Hello ch2

Title: Hello
Length: [2/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: I'M. EXCITED. PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF ENTRY DATES AND NUMBERS. SKIPS ARE INTENTIONAL.


{Chapter 1}




January 13, 2003

Entry Fifteen

 

Had horrible nightmares last night and never could get back to sleep. Thankfully, I don’t have any patients on Sundays. Feeling: tired.

 

January 14, 2003

Entry Sixteen

 

Now that I’m able to think about it with a clear head, Jaejoong’s breakdown from Saturday made much more sense. Before he told me about his hate toward his own reflection, I thought it was just Heechul’s sudden advancements that caused Jaejoong to act the way he did, but after I got some much needed sleep, I began to think otherwise.

 

Jaejoong must have seen his reflection in Heechul’s eyes when he finally got close enough, which explains why he didn’t have an issue until they got right in front of each other… I don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier. Was it because I was blinded by just how beautiful Jaejoong was to see that he might not think the same way about himself? Was I just not paying enough attention to him? Regardless, I’ve decided to make some changes: my glasses are to be left at home (I put in an order for contacts yesterday morning that I picked up on the way to the office today,) the new mirror has been taken down, and I’m going to be extra careful about getting close enough to Jaejoong for him to see his reflection in my eyes. Maybe this way he’ll feel more comfortable talking to me.

 

January 14, 2003

Entry Seventeen

 

Eisoptrophobia: fear of mirrors or seeing one self’s image.

 

Today, I did not see Jaejoong at all.

 

January 15, 2003

Entry Eighteen

 

I stayed up late working on reports and filing prescriptions for my patients today. Everything was fine… until I got to Heechul. He’d started seeing his hallucination again a few days ago, and I decided that the dosage on his medication should be increased this week, even if just a bit.

 

“Lee Pharmaceuticals, Donghae speaking. Can I help you?”

 

“Yes, this is Dr. Jung Yunho. I need to re-file a prescription for one of my patients, Kim Heechul. He’s taking-”

 

“Kim Heechul?” I heard a few clicks and a soft hum before the pharmacist spoke again. “His meds haven’t been picked up since the fifth of this month doctor. Sorry.”

 

In other words, Heechul stopped taking his medication ten days ago- the same day that he stopped seeing Hangeng.

 

January 15, 2003

Entry Nineteen

 

Just as I thought, removing the mirror from my office had an amazing effect on Jaejoong. Well, ok, so I did more than just take out the mirror and get contacts; the curtains were drawn over the window, a tablecloth spread over every piece of polished furniture, and every picture was turned down before he set foot in my office. Thankfully, my efforts were not in vain.

 

Jaejoong actually looked around for the first time since he’d come in- smooth sweeps with his eyes instead of franticly shifting glances he’d used the previous days. His body moved more freely and he seemed so much less on edge… It was amazing. Beauty whispered in every fiber of his being, calm I hadn’t seen before resonating in his eyes. Even his voice had more strength behind it. “My reflection is gone,” he stated simply.

 

I nodded. “Of course.”

 

Jaejoong turned smoothly and looked in my general direction. A sliver of hope shone behind his dark eyes, and the fingers fisted in front of his lips gradually moved away. “You did all this for me?”

 

I had to admit that I was surprised by just how much Jaejoong’s relaxation calmed my own nerves. But then, I never even knew I was tense in the first place. “My job is to make sure that you’re as comfortable as possible Jaejoong,” I said with a slight smile stretching my lips.

 

Not a second later, my breath was taken away; Jaejoong looked straight at me for the first time. “Thank you.”

 

Jaejoong’s tongue was loose when he finally sat down in his normal place, arms still wrapped around his legs and chin still resting between them. But he was looking at me. All of my questions were answered, maybe not exactly how I’d wanted them to be, but he answered them nonetheless.

 

“I take it you’re feeling better today?”

 

Jaejoong nodded slowly. “It’s easier when I can’t see myself. They don’t fight as much,” he answered.

 

My head titled slightly to the side and I recrossed my legs to lean further back into my chair. “Who doesn’t fight as much?”

 

“Micky, Xiah, Choikang, and the other one. They tell me that I don’t look good and they don’t want to look at me. The other one doesn’t agree with them so they fight.”

 

Now that’s something new… “Is that why you don’t like the way you look? Because Micky, Xiah, and Choikang tell you that you don’t look good?”

 

Jaejoong nodded again.

 

“Well they’re wrong,” I said. The words were simple, but Jaejoong seemed taken off guard by them. He looked at me with wide, questioning eyes and I decided to go on with my thoughts. “I agree with the other one Jaejoong; you’re very attractive.”

 

A light pink graced my young patient’s cheeks, his eyes shyly averting themselves from mine. “I wish that was true…”

 

“It is. Maybe one day you’ll be able to look in the mirror and realize that.”

 

January 16, 2003

Entry Twenty

 

The progress I made with Jaejoong yesterday got my spirits up for today. I came in early this morning to go through more files and make another call to the pharmacy; Heechul picked up his medication just a few minutes before. Now, whether he actually takes them or not is entirely up to him, but I believe he will with proper motivation. Beyond that it’s out of my control.

 

Anyway, my session with Jaejoong today was another success. I’m truly amazed that such a small thing like taking away mirrors could bring about so much change in him, and for once, I got a tiny glimpse of what goes on in his mind.

 

“Tell me some things you like to do Jaejoong.”

 

My young patient pulled his focus away from the tree in the corner of my office to look at me through dark lashes. “Does it matter what I like to do?” he asked softly.

 

Probably not. “Of course it does. I need to know as much about you as I can so I can help you.”

 

He hesitated at first, looking away from me again before answering. “I like to cook.”

 

“Really?”

 

Again he hesitated. “Yes. I could make you something if you want. I don’t think you’ll like it, but I would try.”

 

I smiled in attempt to reassure him even though I knew he wasn’t looking. “I’m sure it would be delicious Jaejoong.”

 

Despite my words, Jaejoong’s eyebrows scrunched together and his head fell to rest on his arms. His eyes however softened, his mind lost in thought trying to find the words he wanted to say. “My Umma… says that I shouldn’t cook because I can’t.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

He tightened his hold on his legs, his eyes brimming with an unspoken pain that I wished I could take away from him. “I can’t use the glass things or the metal things. I see my reflection and Umma has to take me away but… that just makes them say more things I don’t like.”

 

I prayed that my next question wouldn’t turn him away from me again as carefully chosen words spilled from my mouth into the air between us. “What do they say that you don’t like?”

 

“They say she wants to make me alone again.” His voice trembled and again he tightened his arms, but it was an answer.

 

“Why do they think she wants you to be alone?”

 

Unfortunately, that was where I lost him. Still, I got something relevant out of him despite using a pretty irrelevant question to get there. Jaejoong is a good person, no doubt about that… he just has more problems than people normally do. I’m not sure why I feel so drawn to his case. Maybe it’s because he has such a moderate case of schizophrenia, and aside from Dr. Shim, my secretary, and the occasional pharmacist, he is the most sane person I talk to during the day. I don’t know…

 

Hopefully tomorrow will bring about even more success with him.

 

January 18, 2003

Entry Twenty-Three

 

I’ve felt strange all day today. Not strange as in a sick kind of strange- just… strange. I don’t know how to describe it. Even before my unproductive session with Heechul and my even worse session with Jaejoong, I felt it there. It’s almost like there’s something shoved back to the shadows of my mind that wants to come out and show itself to the world, begging and pleading me to just let it go. I wouldn’t have known how to do that even if I’d wanted to. Still, seeing my patients today just threw me more off balance.

 

Heechul was… very irritated from the second he walked in to my office until the second he left. My guess was that he’d started taking his medication again and lost sight of Hangeng, which was good; the medication is supposed to take his hallucinations away. But Heechul was not so thrilled. Over and over again he asked me where Hangeng had gone, when he was coming back, why he’d left in the first place without telling him, and called him several colorful names in both Korean and Chinese for it.

 

It’s not uncommon for this sort of thing to happen with patients of his kind, but when he started spewing Chinese all of that changed. He became irrational, started screaming Hangeng’s name even as I tried to calm him down. Nothing I did worked and I began to do what I knew I shouldn’t have: I told him that Hangeng was only gone for a while and would be back soon. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I told my self I shouldn’t have done it. But I did, and the instant the words left my mouth Heechul calmed down.

 

I lied to my patient and he believed me.

 

January 19, 2003

Entry Twenty-Four

 

I couldn’t finish what I was writing yesterday. I still can’t even think much about it. Still, Dr. Shim told me to write what bothers me, and more than anything, this bothered me. As much as I’d like to say Heechul’s session was the worst of the day, it wasn’t; Jaejoong’s was just as horrible. No, I didn’t lie to Jaejoong about his voices I just… couldn’t reach him like I have been for the past few days. He was just so far gone.

 

From the moment Jaejoong set foot in my office I could tell that something was off. His demeanor was the same as it had been his first day here; jerky, controlled movements accompanied with an overall feeling of distress hanging in the air between us.

 

I double- no, triple checked everything in my office to make sure he couldn’t possibly see his reflection and there was nothing left uncovered.

 

Ten minutes passed by like this: Jaejoong’s shaking fist covering the soft lips his teeth didn’t hesitate to gnaw bloody. When the first crimson drop slid down his porcelain skin, I’d had enough.

 

Without thinking much about it, I got up from my chair and kneeled in front of Jaejoong, prying his hands away from his mouth only to have them shoot up and cover his ears. “Jaejoong tell me what’s wrong,” I demanded just before his eyes sealed shut.

 

“They won’t stop,” he whimpered. He tried to bury his face between his knees, but I held his face up with nothing more than two fingers.

 

“Stop what?”

“Shouting!”

 

“What are they shouting about?”

 

“You.” Tears of untold horror created sparkling trails down Jaejoong’s cheeks as they fell from his tightly closed eyes. I couldn’t stop them.

 

My voice escaped me and I could say nothing as I watched his tears fall. My lips stayed parted in silence, no words registering in my mind that felt right to say. I didn’t want him to cry. I couldn’t let him cry. “What are they saying about me?”

 

My voice was barely above a whisper, but Jaejoong acted as if I’d screamed it at him. “I can’t tell you! I’m not allowed to tell you!”

 

“Who says you aren’t allowed to tell me?”

 

“Everybody!”

 

“Who is everybody? I promise, if you tell me they won’t find out.”

 

“No!” Jaejoong shrieked. “Everybody is everybody and everybody always knows. They can’t know… Not yet… Not yet… Not yet…”

 

He still wasn’t completely himself after our session, even though his chanting had stopped and I kept him for an extra five minutes. I don’t know what came over me when I saw his tears… all I knew was that I wanted them to go away.

 

January 20, 2003

Entry Twenty-Five

 

The strange feeling from this weekend still hasn’t completely gone away, but I’m glad to say it’s gotten lighter. It was there today, no doubt, and it hung over me from the second I woke up and still lingers now. I just wish it would go away for a while so I could think clearly enough to figure out why I was feeling this way in the first place.

 

The worst of it came when my office was empty at 9:30am. Despite my secretary reassuring me that Jaejoong’s mother had dropped him off on time, my young patient was nowhere to be found… until twenty minutes later. With my coat wrapped tightly around my body, I stepped out into the cold, unsure of where I was going or what exactly was leading me there. Step by step I wandered further from my office down unfamiliar streets, small flakes of white gently falling from the clouds and dusting my hair.

 

I needed to be somewhere, find something, I just didn’t know where or what. It didn’t even make sense to me why I didn’t turn around and go back to my office, but I couldn’t stop. I passed alley after alley as minutes ticked away the time I was supposed to spend with Jaejoong, my mind set on nothing yet everything at the same time. It was so ridiculous… until I found him.

 

Strands of snow-powdered raven and a bright blue jacket caught my eye. My head snapped in his direction, heart racing with a relief I’d never felt before in my life. “Jaejoong!” I called out, a ridiculous smile spreading my lips. Was what I was looking for? It didn’t matter- I didn’t even care. Even if he wasn’t, I couldn’t contain how ecstatic I was to see his beautiful face.

 

“You found me,” he stated simply. Haunted black eyes looked up at me as I stepped further into the alley, uneasiness growing in them with every click of my heels.

 

Reflection Yunho… He can’t see his reflection…

 

“Fancy that,” I said with a smile, my eyes sliding shut as soon as I was close enough to Jaejoong to kneel in front of him. His thin arms were wrapped around his knees like normal, his chin resting between them and bangs falling in front of the gates to his soul. I imagined he was looking at me, but I couldn’t be sure in the darkness that surrounded me. “Why are you out here Jaejoong-ah?”

 

I imagined him shifting nervously, the ruffling of cloth telling me that he’d moved. “Because you’re mad at me,” he said softly.

 

My head tilted to the side and I blindly reached for something to steady myself. “Why do you think I’m mad at you?” I asked.

 

“Because I thought bad things yesterday… They said… you don’t like me anymore…” I heard a soft sniffle and more clothes rustling after his trembling voice.

 

“That’s not true Jaejoong. What were you thinking that would make me not like you?”

 

“I can’t… You can’t know. They won’t let me…”

 

“Won’t let you what?”

 

I heard skin slapping hard against skin and more cloth rustling in a jerky movement. “Bad things. I can’t tell you the bad things. Not yet… Zero one two six zero three. Seven five one…”

 

His breath started to shake as he repeated those numbers over and over, my own face only scrunching in confusion. “What do those numbers mean?” I asked, but he kept repeating them as if he didn’t hear me; he probably couldn’t in his state. Trying to get any more answers from him would be useless. “Jaejoong, come back to my office with me. Your umma will be worried if we aren’t there when she comes to pick you up.”

 

It took fifteen minutes to finally get Jaejoong to get up and follow me, another twenty to find my way back to the office even with Jaejoong muttering directions to me every few minutes. He said nothing else.

 

January 21, 2003

Entry Twenty-Six

 

Today was… better than yesterday for the most part. Heechul refused to speak for the first time since I met him, the usual chatterbox falling silent and glaring at the floor for the entire hour. Jaejoong’s session on the other hand, went slightly better.

 

He came to office on time without me having to search for him, his face blank and eyes accented with dark circles.

 

“Did you sleep well last night Jaejoong?”

 

My young patient’s weary eyes lifted to stare into mine as his body settled in his normal position on the couch. “I didn’t,” he said quietly, his fingers nervously pulling at his sleeves. “I was wondering if I could sleep here.”

 

A slight pain burned in my chest at the weakness of his voice; he sounded like nothing more than an abandoned child. “Of course you can,” I answered automatically. “Can you tell me why you didn’t sleep first?”

 

I was afraid that Jaejoong wouldn’t answer me; he flipped his black hood over his head and stretched out on the couch, flipping over to lie on his stomach without saying a word. His slender body took up the entire length of my black leather couch, his pale skin peaking out slightly in a stark contrast to the black fabrics surrounding him. I couldn’t stop staring… Only when he spoke could I tear my eyes away.

 

“I didn’t want to dream,” he said softly.

 

“Huh?” Professional.

 

“I didn’t sleep last night because I didn’t want to have my dream again.”

 

I had to clear my throat before I trusted my voice enough to speak and loosed my suddenly tight collar. “What is it that you didn’t want to dream about?”

 

Jaejoong didn’t answer me for a long time and I had begun to think he fell asleep. His thin chest rose and fell slowly with his silent breaths, the rest of his body completely still. And that was fine; I’d told him he could sleep here if he wanted to. True, I wasn’t exactly supposed to allow that since it was wasting my time and his mother’s money, but I couldn’t say no. Something about him makes me want to try everything in my power to help him, no matter how far-fetched the action might be.

 

“I don’t think they’ll let me tell you.”

 

Again I was shaken from my directionless thoughts and forced to say something highly professional. “Huh?”

 

“Choikang, Xiah, Micky and U-know.”

 

“Yunho?”

 

“Yes.” Jaejoong freed one of his hands from the dark leather and wrote letters in the sky, spelling it in English as he moved his finger. “U-K-N-O-W,” he spelled slowly.

 

That sounded… very suspiciously like my first name. “Who is U-know?” I asked him.

 

“The other voice. He told me his name last night.”

 

Now I know my first name isn’t a secret, but I was positive that Jaejoong didn’t know it; most of my patients never did. To them I was just Dr. Jung, never Yunho. My first name wasn’t even posted on my door! I scribbled a few things in my notes, loosening my collar again with my other hand, and picked my words carefully. “Jaejoong, do you know my first name?” I asked.

 

The young boy paused in thought as he returned his hand from the air. “No. I’m sorry,” he answered quietly.

 

So many things poured into my head at once, blending and molding and spinning together until I couldn’t decipher one from the other. The worst part about it? I didn’t know why. Yes, it was a bit concerning that Jaejoong named one of his voices after me, even more so that he said he didn’t even know my first name, but it shouldn’t have been a big deal. Jaejoong could be lying. Or maybe he picked up the name from Heechul that day when he told Jaejoong to ask me for his number. Regardless, it shouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much as it did. U-know huh? “That’s okay Jaejoong,” I said, clearing my throat again afterwards. “Why doesn’t U-know want you to tell me about your dream?”

 

“Not just U-know. Choikang, Micky, and Xiah too. They don’t want me to tell you. Any of them. They said… you can’t know about the bad things I was thinking yesterday. My dreams… were that. They said you’re not allowed to know yet and I can’t tell you.” He shifted slightly and buried his face further into the couch. “Can I sleep now?”

 

I nodded despite knowing he couldn’t see it. “Just answer one more question for me.”

 

Jaejoong hesitated again with his answer, his arm coming up to slowly curl around his head and fingers threading into his silky hair. “Just one?”

 

“Just one.”

 

“…Okay.”

 

I smiled when I heard his soft voice assenting to my request. “Alright then. Why are you okay with sleeping here and not at home?” I asked smoothly. “Wouldn’t your dream be the same here as it would there?”

 

It took a while for Jaejoong to speak again, and when he did, I still wasn’t prepared for his words.

 

“Being with you makes the bad things go away.”

 

A/N: likey? y/n? :D leave me a comment?

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because i love you

so.... after this week i'm going to be gone for about a month.... maybe more. and in that month i won't be able to write or do anything, so! i've decided ((since i love you)) that i'm going to post two chapters from Hello. i know i was saying all that stuff about "x number of comments or RAWR D:< *nomnomnom*" but... honestly my self esteem hits the floor with my writing and i'm REALLY REALLY REALLY excited about this new fic <3 it's mostly written, so updates will be fast.

i'll post the first two chapters before i leave, and if i'm happy with the feedback i'll put up another two when i get back. think of it as a compensation of sorts for being gone ;]

i WILL however, be sticking to the comment policy about the LFW update. 4 more comments guys. it's not that hard ((actually 3 because my chalaina loves me enough to leave a comment on my post in [info]crankdatmanboob :3 ACHIEVED!!!

so without further ado, i present to you my newest and most favorite fanfic: Hello

Title: Hello
Length: [1/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: I'M. EXCITED.



“It’s a real shame…”

 

“He was one of their best…”

 

“Did you hear what happened?”

 

“One of his psychiatrist’s other patients killed him…”

 

“Shot the poor thing right in front of him…”

 

“Such a shame…”

 

 

January 4, 2003

Jung Yunho M.D, Psychiatry

Entry One

 

As requested by Dr. Shim, I have started this journal for a self-analysis of my own mental health. He has requested that I write down all of my thoughts and verbalize my emotions as they come to me as well as writing things that bother me during the day. Well Changmin… here you go: I think this is a waste of my time. I know I’m not at risk for a breakdown and I think we can both agree that it was bound to come to him eventually. He empathized too much with his patients; got too involved. His last case was just enough to finally push him over the edge. We’ve been told from day one to never get too attached to our patients, but he just couldn’t stop himself. It wasn’t necessarily a character flaw, just something you can’t have if you want to be in our profession.

 

Then again, I do have to admit his last case was a special one. He couldn’t tell much about the case (at least he followed one of the rules to a T) and I can’t draw many conclusions on my own without really analyzing the patient’s behavior for myself… Aish… I don’t know where I’m going with this.

 

Dinner when I get home. Feeling: Fine.

Sleep at some point tonight. Feeling: Fine.

New patient tomorrow. Feeling: Fine.

Overall feeling of the day: Dr. Shim needs to stop making his doctors do patient work.

 

January 5, 2003

Entry Two

 

I felt like getting this out of the way for the day, so I decided to write my “thoughts and feelings” first thing this morning when I got into the office. Feeling: Fine. I thought my alarm was too loud when I woke up as usual. I thought breakfast was a little burnt this morning. I’m not any closer to a mental breakdown than I was yesterday if that’s what you’re looking for in these, and I can guarantee that I won’t be any closer tomorrow or the next day either. Oh, and don’t get used to these being as long as the one I wrote yesterday. Dr. Shim said at least one entry a day; he never said a word about how long those had to be.

 

January 5, 2003

Entry Three

 

New patient didn’t come to his session today. It’s not uncommon for a patient to skip, just a little aggravating that they waste an hour of our time when we could be meeting with someone else.

 

On a better note: one of my other patients made some progress today. Kim Heechul didn’t see his Chinese “friend” during his session this afternoon. The medication seems to be gradually reducing his hallucinations, but I cannot be certain until he shows any other signs that it is working.

 

January 6, 2003

Entry Four

 

New patient didn’t attend his session again today. Since he is still a minor, I called his parents and voiced my concern for him not attending and about them letting him do so. His mother sounded shocked to hear it, which is strange since she claimed that she dropped him off at the front doors at exactly 9:30am and picked him up at 10:45am in the same place. She has agreed to take him directly to my office to insure that he attends tomorrow.

 

January 7, 2003

Entry Five

 

I decided to come in early this morning to look over my new patient’s file. It’s strange that I haven’t done that already… What if he had come on his first day? Or his second? I wouldn’t have been very prepared; I don’t know a single thing about him except that he doesn’t feel obligated to come to his sessions. As for how I feel: fine. I’m just a little eager to meet my new patient.

 

January 7, 2003

Entry Six

 

I ended up learning a lot about him today as I expected. His file told me that his name is Kim Jaejoong, 17 years old, adopted at age four, B/C averages in every grade… perfectly normal. But then, just about every one of my patient’s files sounds normal. It usually isn’t until you meet with the patient that someone can tell that they need psychiatric help. Jaejoong was no different.

 

My secretary let me know when his mother brought him in, so I decided to meet them out in the lobby to formally introduce myself to both of them. His mother was all tight smiles and sharp movements (obviously anxious about their situation) while Jaejoong was just quiet. The hood of his black jacket was pulled fully over his head and his dark hair fell gently over the rest of his face, blocking all but his plush lips from my view. It wasn’t until I had taken him into my office and shut the door behind him that I got to see the rest of Jaejoong’s face. He was… beautiful. All wide eyes and porcelain skin. But most of all he just looked… like a very shy child, and in a way I guess he was.

 

I already wrote the highlights of our session in my case log but… I feel like writing it here too. Like Dr. Shim said: “write what you feel Yunho.” Well, here you go.

 

Jaejoong didn’t say a word as he stood in my office, staring at the floor with his wide eyes and shifting his gaze every few seconds.

 

“Take a seat Jaejoong,” I said gently and gestured to the black couch across from my chair.

 

He hesitated a moment before finally following my instruction. He curled up slowly on the satin cushions and wrapped his arms around his knees before resting his chin between his arms, every muscle in his body on edge and ready to move at a moment’s notice. He still didn’t say a word.

 

I finally decided to ask him a question when I was certain he wouldn’t start this off on his own. Scribbling a few notes on my notepad, I looked up at my patient and let my words flow. “Do you know why you’re here Jaejoong?”

 

“Because I hear voices.”

 

My eyes widened slightly at just how… gentle his voice was. His looks were incredibly feminine, yes, but I just wasn’t expecting that. Still, I couldn’t let that distract me from what he said. I cleared my throat and pushed my glasses back up, writing a little bit more in my notes as I did so. “Do you hear the voices now?” I asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

The watch on my wrist ticked silent seconds away. “What are they telling you?”

 

For a fleeting second I thought Jaejoong would finally meet my gaze, but the trickle of hope was soon lost when he just shifted his eyes to stare at the tree in the corner of my office. “They’re saying… that you’re trying to fix me.”

 

I nodded and offered him a smile. “I am.”

 

Jaejoong’s face only looked more like a confused child than it did when he first walked in. Again he considered his words carefully before letting them slip from his tongue. “Why are you trying to fix me? I’m not broken.”

 

He didn’t say anything else or look at me for the rest of his session.

 

January 8, 2003

Entry Seven

 

Didn’t sleep much last night. Feeling: Tired. Came in to the office early this morning because I had nothing else to do. I did have an interesting conversation with Dr. Lee in the lobby though, and we both agree on something: Dr. Shim shouldn’t make doctors working under him waste their time writing their thoughts and feelings in a journal every day. Really, it’s unnecessary.

 

January 8, 2003

Entry Eight

 

I made some progress on Jaejoong’s case this morning. It’s minor, but considering that today was only the second day I’ve been seeing him, anything is an improvement. At least he answered more of my questions today.

 

“So Jaejoong, tell me about these voices you hear,” I asked him after he got into his curled-up position from yesterday. For some reason the green color of his jacket drew my focus to the plush lips resting just above his fabric covered arms as he spoke.

 

“What about them?” he asked quietly.

 

“Anything. Is there anything in particular that stands out when they talk to you?”

 

Jaejoong stopped to think for a moment, his eyes narrowing at my shoelaces. “There are four of them,” he finally shared.

 

“Just four?”

 

“Micky, Xiah, Choikang,” Jaejoong said without missing a beat.

 

My eyebrow lifted in confusion and my voice dropped slightly. “Excuse me?”

 

“Their names. Micky, Xiah, Choikang,” he repeated. How strange…

 

“That’s only three Jaejoong,” I said as I scribbled notes onto the paper in my lap.

 

“I don’t know the fourth one’s name.” His eyes slipped closed and his head fell to the side to rest in his arms. If I didn’t know any better, I would have sworn that he’d fallen asleep. Still, I kept questioning him.

 

“How do you know their names?” I asked.

 

Only his lips moved when he answered, forming words in his gentle voice. “They told me,” he said cautiously.

 

I scribbled in my notes once more, drawing the characters slowly as I asked another question. “Hasn’t the other told you its name?”

 

“No.” Jaejoong snuggled his face deeper into his arms and an expression of contentment seemed to flash onto his face for a split second. “This is his favorite color.”

 

“Green?” I asked, referring to the deep emerald of his jacket. He seemed to like my answer. “Is your favorite color green too?”

 

“No. I wore mine yesterday.”

 

How I remember that the jacket he wore yesterday was black without thinking about it, I still don’t know. Regardless, I decided to press further on the subject. “Do you always wear clothes that correspond to what the voices tell you they like?”

 

Jaejoong nodded. “It’s not very hard. Xiah is happy the most because jeans are blue and I wear jeans a lot, but I wear other blue things on Monday too. Tuesday is black and Wednesday is green. Thursday is the easiest because Micky and Choikang like white.”

 

“I see…” I mumbled quietly as my pen scratched against paper, the tiny sound seeming to catch Jaejoong’s interest. He lifted his head slightly from its fabric resting place and opened his eyes to look in my general direction though still not looking at me. Still, it was the closest he’d been to doing so all day. “Do the voices tell you to do things Jaejoong?”

 

At first I believed Jaejoong wasn’t going to answer me. His doe eyes slowly darkened and his fingers absently began to play with his sleeves. He seemed to put a lot of thought into his words, but his answer was short. “Sometimes.”

 

His voice was much softer, almost frightening with just that one word. It really is a shame that he has to go through this… “What do they tell you to do?”

 

I didn’t get another answer from him for the entire fifty- five minutes we had left.

 

January 9, 2003

Entry Nine

 

Not many people are cut out to become psychiatrists; I guess speaking to the mentally insane all day can mess with people’s minds. I’ve been at it for almost ten years now, plus interning for another three right out of high school, and I’m still just as sane as I’ve always been, if not more so. My profession has made me stronger and more understanding in ways that nothing else could make a person and I will never regret my decision to do this. The human mind is truly fascinating, especially when there’s something you need to decode with the little information it gives you. All of my cases have been relatively simple: common schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, minimal dementia, OCD, stress and phobic disorders... the list goes on. The thing that draws me to my cases the most is that there’s never just one answer to any disorder. Patients need customized treatment; no two are ever exactly alike and cannot effectively be treated the same ways. Sure, medication helps (that’s about as standard as it gets,) but it never really cures them. At least not completely. That, is where I come in.

 

Every now and then we get an easy case that can be controlled with medication and minimal therapy for a few months- the less interesting cases. Others take a lifetime of psychiatric assistance- the unfortunate cases. Most of them will never be completely right, and society will forever look down on them for something they never had control over to begin with.

 

How’s that for more reflective?

 

January 10, 2003

Entry Ten

 

I got a call from Jaejoong’s mother late last night saying that she wouldn’t be able to escort Jaejoong to my office today. I didn’t see him until 10:42am when I caught a glimpse of his face from the car window driving away.

 

January 11, 2003

Entry Eleven

 

I woke up late this morning because my alarm didn’t go off and missed my first patient of the day. Feeling: pissed. If anything my patients need to know that I have stability they can depend on when nothing else in there life does. Being late and missing a session is absolutely unacceptable. I can never let it happen again.

 

On the brighter side, I bought the new mirror I’ve been needing to put up in my office this evening.

 

January 11, 2003

Entry Twelve

 

Jaejoong was brought in by his mother again today, and judging by his excessive fiddling with the hem of his shirt, she didn’t know a thing about his absence yesterday. That… bothered me? I’m not sure, but I didn’t like it.

 

His fidgeting didn’t stop even after I led him into my office and closed the door behind him.

 

“Your Umma doesn’t know that you missed your session yesterday, does she?” I asked, cutting straight to the point. My glasses sat low on my nose and gently pressed against my skin where I had the strong urge to press my fingers.

 

Jaejoong just continued with his nervous fidgeting and captured his lower lip between his teeth as he stared off into nothingness. “I don’t want her to know,” he muttered quietly enough that I almost missed it.

 

“Is there any particular reason why not?”

 

His eyes gaze flickered to the side; returned. “She wants me to come here so you can fix me and she won’t have to be sad anymore.” Unmistakable guilt stained Jaejoong’s features and his worn-out jacket sleeve finally fell away from his fingers. He didn’t want to put his mother through this, that much was obvious, but at the same time he felt that he wasn’t able to do what he needed to do to get better. This kind of thing has happened with several of my other patients, but Jaejoong just looked so… lost. “I don’t want to make her sad anymore.”

 

I hummed in understanding and set my notebook aside for a moment. Jaejoong took notice of my shift and quickly looked at the other side of the room, his fidgeting starting again. “So you know that skipping will make her sad?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then why do you do it Jaejoong?”

 

In an instant I knew he hated the question; pain twisted his delicate face and darkened his eyes as it had two days ago. “Because they tell me to.”

 

I didn’t get much else out of him for the rest of the session, just a few yeses and no’s every now and then. It is a slight improvement though; at least he kept speaking when he used to cut off completely. He did say one thing toward the end of our time that caught my attention, though.  “I don’t want to be fixed.” I started to doubt that I actually heard it, but Jaejoong was gone before I had time to ask.

 

January 12, 2003

Entry Thirteen

 

Didn’t get much sleep again last night, but that shouldn’t be a problem today. Only a few of my patients have sessions, most of them in the late afternoon. Jaejoong is my only one in the morning. Feeling: Fine.

 

January 12, 2003

Entry Fourteen

 

I’m really not sure about what I feel today. I got a chance to hang up my new mirror, perfectly placed so I don’t have to turn my head to see the open window when I talk with my patients, but that was the only positive thing that happened today.

 

Heechul started speaking in Chinese in the lobby and every so often during his session. When I asked him about it, all he would say is that his “friend” taught the language to him and that I was jealous of his ability. Although I do wish I could speak Chinese, this new skill concerned me. You see, this “Chinese friend” that Heechul has is nothing more than a hallucination he’s seen for several years now. He believes beyond the shadow of a doubt that “Hangeng” exists. But that’s not the thing that concerned me most about him today.

 

Jaejoong was on his way in just as Heechul was walking out (their times are one right after the other on Saturdays) and Heechul stopped in the middle of the lobby as Jaejoong walked by.

 

“My, my, my…” Heechul purred, turning his head and gazing at my young patient with a predatory look in his eyes.

 

Jaejoong stopped and stared right back at him, not saying a word.

 

His silence didn’t stop Heechul though, more like encouraged him. “Wa sei…” he whispered in Chinese as he made slow circles around Jaejoong, brushing his long slender fingers down Jaejoong’s jaw line as he went. He looked at the empty space to his left before a wicked grin spread across his face. “Hangeng and I both agree that you’re smokin’ hot babe. Ask Yunho for my number if you ever want to experience the better side of life.”

 

Jaejoong didn’t look away from Heechul until the latter was right in front of him gazing into his eyes from only a few inches away and getting closer with every passing second. The younger male’s eyes snapped shut as his head jerked way, his hands snapping up to cover his ears. His lips moved to form quite, frantic whispers and Heechul finally backed away.

 

In an instant I was by Jaejoong’s side and led him into my office, away from Heechul and away from stress. “Jaejoong are you okay?” I asked with my hand on his shoulder.

 

But his eyes stayed tightly shut and his mutterings continued. “Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop…” he chanted over and over. I’ve experienced episodes like this before with my patients, mostly schizophrenics like Jaejoong, so I knew that all I could do was keep him calm and try not to let anything else get too close.

 

It took fifteen minutes for Jaejoong to stop chanting; twenty for him to open his eyes and finally lower his arms away from his face, but even then, he still wasn’t quite calm. He brought a fist up to his lips and kept it there, chewing nervously on his fingernails as his eyes shifted from staring at one spot on the floor to another.

 

I waited for another ten minutes to see if he would calm himself any further, but my effort was in vain; Jaejoong stayed tense for the rest of our session no matter what I asked him or what I said. Static seemed to snap in the air with every movement the young boy made, the soft ticking of my watch like thunder. I was almost certain that he wouldn’t answer anything as the last five minutes approached, but one question finally drew an answer.

 

I’d just finished scribbling some notes in my notebook when my curiosity got the better of me and words fell from my lips without my knowledge. “Why don’t you look at me Jaejoong?”

 

The boy’s restless eyes stopped shifting, instead settling on the same corner of my office as he’d stared at five days ago. “Because I can see my reflection in your glasses,” he answered softly, his voice so smooth and fragile I almost missed it.

 

“Why do you not want to see your reflection?” I asked, leaning forward slightly and resting my chin in my hand.

 

 Jaejoong shied away from the movement. “I don’t like the way I look,” he said quickly.

 

I, on the other hand, was absolutely shocked. How could someone so beautiful not like the way they look? His raven hair caught the light with every move he made and looked as if it were made from the finest black silk the world could produce. His eyes, although haunted and tired, held thousands of untold stories in their endless depth just waiting to be decoded by someone, anyone. And his body… any woman would kill for it. Perfect skin, thin figure with broad undoubtedly strong shoulders… What was there not to absolutely adore?

 

As if I’d spoken the question out loud, Jaejoong answered. “I don’t like anything about it at all,” was the last thing he said before our time was up.


A/N: be brutal with your comments. i can take it :9 if i got something wrong, please let me know. i'm obviously not a psychiatrist, nor have i ever taken a class about anything related to it. everything in here is based on my imagination and hours of research on the interweb :3 hate me not and leave a comment to tell me what you think of this <3 Free Counter
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a yewook fic? :O

Title: Shock
Length: Oneshot
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: ...Yewook?, implied Hanchul and Qmi
Rating: PG-13 for a bit of language and an implication, but really it's innocent 
Genre: A teeny bit of angst, humor, and fluff :3
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD movies, not fics
Summary: Ryeowook usually isn't suprised by much when it comes to his Hyungs
Author's Note: first time writing yewook :D i don't really ship them at all but... well.... this fic screamed them :3

It was a well known fact that Super Junior had its oddballs: adorable little I-could-actually-fuck-you-into-the-floor Sungmin, the ever-PMSing Princess Heechul, stinky-footed insole-wearing Eunhyuk, “aliens exist” Donghae, holy Shisus, and the king of all things strange… Yesung. The list of oddities about that man went on and on for miles, so Ryeowook really didn’t question it when he woke up in the middle of the night to Yesung’s finger resting just above his lip and the said man’s legs wrapped around a bright pink pillow that Ryeowook could have sworn he saw in Sungmin’s room the day before.

 

He also didn’t question it when he was tripping over that same pillow the next morning as he opened his door to see Yesung skipping into the kitchen where Hangeng was busy making coffee.

 

(“What the hell Ryeowook? That was my FAVORITE pillow! How could you just take it like that?”

 

“I-I’m sorry Hyung. I guess… I didn’t think it was yours.”)

 

It wasn’t a shock to him when he and Henry came back to the apartment after a day of shopping to find Yesung staring very intently at his glass turtle tank- eyes narrowed, forehead wrinkles and everything- in the middle of their living room floor.

 

He just smiled sadly and whisked Henry into the kitchen saying that he needed the “magnae touch” when the violinist opened his mouth to say something about it. He was grateful that the other twelve members seemed to take no notice of it and answered their typical dinner questions with a light smile.

 

(“I swear Donghae, Ddangkkoma can read my mind. I was thinking his name earlier and he looked up at me at the EXACT SAME SECOND!”

 

“Oh my God, maybe he got mind reading powers from being abducted by ALIENS!”)

 

Ryeowook did question it, however, when a pain suddenly began to assault his chest as Yesung was explaining how good of a friend Ryeowook was to some host on a TV show whose name he couldn’t remember. It had started as a small ache, but it grew bigger the more the word “friend” fell from Yesung’s lips.

 

In the end, he wound up leaving the set for a few minutes claiming that he needed some fresh air and that something had gotten into his eye when Eunhyuk followed after him.

 

(“I know everyone called us two out as the biggest crybabies, but… Damn Ryeowook. I didn’t think Kyu’s story about losing his sock was that tragic.”

 

“Shut up. I just felt really bad for him, okay?”)

 

The nightly visits from Yesung had become almost an everyday thing for Ryeowook with only a few gaps in between, yet somehow he was still shocked when he saw the said man slipping out of Siwon’s room one morning, pink pillow stuck in the doorway when he tried to close it and eventually left open with a shrug. The pain from the television show came back as well as the tears he couldn’t explain, but this time there was no Eunhyuk to give him a shoulder to cry on.

 

He just curled up against his boringly white pillow, one hand fisted in the sheets covering the left side of his bed that felt oddly unslept in.

 

(“You know Ryeowook, God frowns on people who lie. Especially those who lie to get someone else in trouble to cover for their own crimes.”

 

“Sorry Siwon-hyung. I must have left it there on accident.”)

 

The biggest surprise of them all, though, came one morning when he saw Yesung run screaming out of Heechul’s room only to have Mama Teukie rush in seconds later. The fourth eldest crashed through Ryeowook’s door and clung to the eternal magnae for dear life, wailing and shouting “my eyes, oh my God my eyes!” as he buried his face in Ryeowook’s neck.

 

Gentle heat pooled in the younger man’s chest and a blush spray painted an array of reds on his cheeks, but he wrapped his arms around Yesung’s body anyway because something in his mind told him to. He ended up rocking Yesung back and forth for almost an hour as chaos erupted in the form of a princess and an angel fighting it out as a certain guilty Chinese man tried to tame his shrew.

 

(“How dare you two corrupt my baby’s innocence?? His poor young mind is stained forever and it’s all your fault!”

 

“What the hell Jungsu? He’s only one year younger than us. Besides, you should be more worried about what your real baby has been doing with Seasonings in China.”)

 

The warmth in Ryeowook’s chest soon spread to his entire body even as Leeteuk’s shrieks grew louder and were joined by Kyuhyun’s protests, simply because the body in his arms started to snuggle closer, and Ryeowook came to realize that he wasn’t all that shocked to find out that he rather liked the smell of popcorn-scented shampoo.





A/N: lol i don't even know if popcorn scented shampoo exists, but i'm sure yesung would have it if it did xD wrote this in about half an hour but i'm pretty happy with it :3 leave me a comment to love me? :D
A/N2: lfw only got like... 21 comments and has over 300 views so.... 4 more people need to drop me a comment or the next update won't come. you have been warned :3


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IT'S. HERE.

Title: Letters From War
Length: [20/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae, Yoosu, Teukchul, ((and is that?)) EUNHAE 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: i only own them in my dreams
Summary: In the breaking point of the Korean war, two brothers get drafted into the military and forced to fight for the lives. literally. punishment in camp 409 is just as unforgiving as its officers. attraction? frowned upon. affection? unheard of. love? strickly forbidden. But the training camp they thought they knew gets turned upside down when six of them decide to leave no rule left unbroken
Author's Note: sorry this took forever! ((does anyone even read this anymore? :/)) READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END FOR IMPORTANT FUTURE UPDATE INFO 

{Prologue} {Ch1} {Ch2} {Ch3} {Ch4} {Ch5a} {Ch5b} {Ch6} {Ch7} {Ch8} {Ch9a} {Ch9b} {Ch10} {Ch11} {Ch12} {Ch13a} {Ch13b} {Ch13c} {Ch13d} {Ch14} {Ch15} {Ch16} {Ch17}
{Ch18}


Nervous fingers picked at thin white sheets as time ticked seconds away, each bringing the hour hand closer to the big ten he longed for it to touch. Any minute now… Closer… Closer… “Damnit.”

 

Yunho got up from his bed and began his pacing for the nth time that night, agitation and impatience getting the better of him once again; he just couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted Jaejoong right here, right now, whispering his name in that beautiful voice of his until neither of them could take it any longer. “Damnit…” The officer cursed under his breath once again before leaning up against the wall, head colliding soundlessly with the solid barrier. Maybe he got lost. Maybe he doesn’t want to come. Maybe he wasn’t able to sneak out. Maybe he…

 

Yunho’s dark-adjusted eyes wandered back to the slowly ticking clock. 10:01. “Damnit Jaejoong… Where are you?”

 

“I’m right here.”

 

The soft whisper went through Yunho like a gunshot, twisting his body away from the wall to face the window he never bothered to close from Jaejoong’s last escape. “Jaejoong,” he breathed out. “When did you get here?”

 

“I just walked up when you started talking to yourself.” Jaejoong paused, shifting uneasily for a second. “Unless you’ve been talking to yourself for a while… In that case I hope you don’t do that often because, well, that usually means a person is crazy...”

 

But Yunho completely ignored the trainee’s words. Instead, he made a B-line for the window and pulled Jaejoong into a searing, desperate kiss of tongues and teeth. Heated air rushed between them in the milliseconds they were apart for breath, their skin on fire and yearning for the other’s touch. The younger man could barely register that he was being pulled through the window and into Yunho’s room before he was pressed up against the wall, gasping and panting and desperate for something he couldn’t wrap his mind around. “Yunho…” he sighed.

 

“You don’t know how badly I wanted you to get here Jaejoong.” The officer kept his words fast as his desire to devour Jaejoong’s lips overpowered him. Any thoughts of his original plan crumbled to ash when he had seen the trainee’s beautiful face, his only focus being the need to touch the other man as much as possible. He just couldn’t care less any more. The incident with Yoochun struck a possessive nerve in him that Yunho never knew he had, and seeing Jaejoong- hearing Jaejoong- drown in the pleasure that he was causing made the possession burning in the pit of the officer’s stomach transform into a raging inferno. He wanted Jaejoong, and no one else was going to touch him. No one.

 

Yunho’s mouth began to wander Jaejoong’s body, finally latching onto the trainee’s neck and painting a dark purple rose on the skin to mark his claim. In that moment, he wanted the world to know that no one else could have tainted Jaejoong’s perfect skin, that no one else could hear the delicious moans spilling from Jaejoong’s lips like he could. “God you’re so gorgeous…” he breathed against the trainee’s chest, slowly working away the buttons blocking his path. He needed this- needed to know that Jaejoong wanted no one else but him.

 

Oh God…

 

Jaejoong could hardly keep his eyes open and mouth shut. So many sensations assaulted his body at impossible magnitudes… he almost didn’t want it to stop. A hand passed over his growing bulge, lightly teasing and nothing more. “Yunho…”

 

Yunho smirked. “I saw your display earlier,” he said darkly as another button was lost to the night. “Don’t think you’re going to get off of your punishment so easily without begging for it.”

 

Jaejoong moaned, loud and shameless.

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

Heechul didn’t want to sleep. His entire body ached and he knew he needed it, but he just couldn’t. Changmin was here, Changmin was hurt, and Changmin’s pain was his fault. The Daeryeong had been staring at the boy’s sleeping form for hours until he finally couldn’t take it anymore. “What am I doing?” he groaned. I can’t stay here… I can’t… “Fuck this.” The sharp whisper scratched against the walls of the medical ward as Heechul flung away his covers and twisted out of bed. If Eunhyuk thinks he can keep me here he’s got another thing coming.

 

The IV slipped out of the twenty-six year old’s arm and was left forgotten to create a crimson river on the floor as Heechul crept to Eunhyuk’s room door. Hushed voices slipped through the cracks that he ignored, and in seconds, Heechul was out the door and into the night.

 

There’s three of them. Cracked, but thankfully not broken.

 

So I can stay?!

 

No.

 

But Eunhyuk-

 

They won’t let you stay here if you can’t train.

 

Then lie! No one else has to know. Please Hyukjae, do something!

 

I’m not going to let you hurt yourself! Oh no… Hae… No, stop crying damnit. You’ll get me started… Hae…

 

I don’t want to go…

 

I know, I don’t want you to go either… but… there’s nothing we can do.

 

I love you Hyukjae…

 

… I love you too.

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

Jaejoong’s mind was spiraling out of control. You’re here for a reason, he kept reminding himself. This is not helping. Every shaking breath and sigh that left his lips took him one step closer to insanity and away from his goal, but he couldn’t stop. Yunho’s name came out like a mantra that he had no control over, and the elder lapped up every bit of it. You’re losing Jaejoong. You can’t let Junsu win. You are not Yunho’s cheap little sex toy. Show him. “Y-Yunho wait…” he panted, grabbing the officer’s wrist with a shaking hand.

 

The elder’s movements stopped immediately. Hot air incased by barely-touching lips greeted Jaejoong’s collarbone, but nothing more. “What is it?”

 

“We need to talk… about… something…” the younger gasped out.

 

Yunho just smirked against Jaejoong’s pale skin. “Speak if you can.” The words barely escaped his lips before the skin was caught between Yunho’s teeth in a soft bite that gradually grew tighter as Jaejoong’s moans grew louder.

 

Yunho…” Wandering hands explored more forbidden territory and Jaejoong found thinking nearly impossible. “Y-Yunho I’m s… ah… serious. We ngh… need to… need to… oh my God do that again…” His mind was so lost in waves of lust and passion that he thought, just maybe, being Yunho’s sex toy for the night wasn’t such a bad idea. He found himself arching into the man’s every touch, moaning shamelessly for every sensation Yunho could bring. Jaejoong wanted it bad, and he was slowly ceasing to care if anyone else knew it. His initial purpose for coming to Yunho was slowly beginning to fade, and everything died after one last attempt to save it. “We have to… talk about something… Yunho… important…”

 

“Later Jae,” the officer breathed against his newly exposed chest. “I don’t know how much time we’ll have.”

 

So Jaejoong stopped fighting. His body became putty in Yunho’s eager hands- writhing, moaning, begging putty- and Yunho took full advantage of it. There was too much of Jaejoong’s gorgeous skin slowly being exposed for him to turn away from it now, especially not when they were both more than half hard and begging for something more.

 

Slowly, ever so slowly, Jaejoong’s pants found their way to the floor while Yunho’s eager hands took the liberty of slipping into the trainee’s boxers, deliberately teasing the whole way down to massage Jaejoong’s inner thigh as his lips made work of the boy’s neck. Guilt of his forbidden pleasure tasted bitter (and a little salty) on Yunho’s tongue, exploding with every new swipe on the trainee’s neck he could manage, and he realized too late that his sanity was long gone. Desire coursed through his veins and pushed on everything in his body, building and building and building until he swore to God he couldn’t contain it anymore.

 

White flashes exploded behind closed eyelids as Jaejoong came into Yunho’s teasing hand, the moan he unconsciously released lost somewhere in their dance of lips and tongue. The sudden orgasm ripped through him before he could stop it, too soon, too fast, and just too much. “No…

 

His panting breath was swallowed by Yunho’s open mouth as the trembling slowly came to a stop, the elder’s hands frozen in place and their lips barely touching. Jaejoong had never been more embarrassed in his life.

 

Did that really just…?

 

Yunho slowly withdrew his hand from Jaejoong’s clothes, purposely avoiding any contact with the smaller man’s body as he brought it back out into the open. White stains melted down his tanned skin watched by two pairs of eyes- one widened with absolute horror, the other completely blank.

 

The trainee’s cheeks burned with humiliation and dread pulsed through his overactive veins, hitching his breath long after the shockwaves of his orgasm had already worn off. “Yunho I swear this never- I mean I usually- and I don’t normally- and I just-” But Jaejoong’s stumble of words was cut off when Yunho silently raised his hand… and licked it clean.

 

Jaejoong swore that if he hadn’t just come, he would have then.

 

A strangled sound halfway between a moan and a cough was forced from the trainee’s throat at the sight, his brain short-circuiting in more places than he dared to count. He’s doing this. Oh my God he’s actually doing this. There’s no way in fucking hell…

 

The more he stared the more vivid the image of Yunho’s tongue slowly cleaning his hand became. Every swipe of his tongue burned mind-numbing holes into Jaejoong’s wide eyes until finally it was done and Yunho’s lips were back against his own, slightly sticky but so damn good. His body was hypersensitive to every single touch those sinful petals left on his skin as they made their way to his neck, impatient teeth soon joining in and shooting electricity straight back to his rehardening cock. With a slight arch of Jaejoong’s neck, they bit down harder, went further, tasted his broad shoulders.

 

“I hope you build up more stamina after this Jaejoong,” Yunho said in the split seconds he stopped nibbling. “I’m having too much fun to let this end so soon.”

 

Jaejoong could only answer with a groan from somewhere deep in the back of his throat, and a smirk was pressed against his shoulder blade.

 

“Looking forward to it.”

 

And so the biting continued. Neither man could tell you where they were or when exactly time had stopped, but they were utterly and hopelessly lost in each other’s very being. Nails were scraping from Jaejoong’s neck to his chest, deliberately lingering over hypersensitive nipples and drawing mewls of pleasure from his lips as nails and teeth assaulted his body. Never in his life had any of Jaejoong’s multiple boyfriends given his body such lavish attention, yet Yunho made him feel more than he ever had in just ten short minutes. Every sensation was building up all over again, the hardness and wandering fingers pressing against his ass only adding to the mind-numbing electricity.

 

I want you I want you I want you…

 

It wasn’t long before the movement got lighter- became unsure and hesitant until they gradually came to a stop. The trainee desperately grinded his ass into the body behind him, whining and groaning like a whore who was getting paid way too much for this.

 

“Jaejoong.”

 

“Ngh… What?”

 

“I don’t… I’m not really sure… Shit.” Yunho’s hands finally left Jaejoong’s lightly glazed body to run nervously through his own hair, tongue wetting his bruised lips. “Are you a virgin? I mean… this way. Have you ever-”

 

Jaejoong snapped his head to the side, glaring at the elder man from the corner of his eye as his face heated up to an impossible level. “Why are you asking me that?” he snapped.

 

“Because… I’ve never… I mean this isn’t normally my… way of doing it. It’s supposed to hurt you right? Doing it this way. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. We can… We don’t have to do this. If this will hurt you too much, we can figure out something else. Some other way. I can deal with it.”

 

Jaejoong’s breath suddenly caught in his throat and he leaned his entire weight against Yunho’s warm chest. “What are you saying?” he whispered.

 

Heated breath dusted moisture over Jaejoong’s trembling lips as Yunho forced air to keep moving in and out of his body, not kissing, just waiting. Searching.

 

“I could fuck you into the wall right now Jaejoong. Believe me, I could. But… I don’t ever want to hurt you. No matter what I have to give up for it, I’ll never be the one to cause you pain.”

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

Heechul hated wandering. He always needed to have a place to go, something to do when he got there. The aimless path in the dark sent him stumbling across campus in a miserable, blind haze he couldn’t get out of. Only one place flickered in his mind as each step took him further and further away from the medical ward where he belonged. He’d avoided it for as long as what was left of his sanity would allow, but somehow it finally got its way, pulling Heechul into the Officer’s Quarters and past his own room. J. Park… J. Park… J. Park… rang in the Daeryeong’s turbulent mind as shaking fingers traced over the characters forever engraved in white on the door beside his own, unconscious desperation crying out from every pour in his skin. He didn’t know what exactly it was supposed to accomplish, but before he could force himself to stop, Heechul slipped inside the room and collapsed on the floor.

 

I hate you. I hate you so much for what you’ve done to me… For making me weak… I hate you more than anything and I swear to God I will never forgive you.

 

Dull nails scraped against the concrete floor as Heechul clawed at it, trying to bury himself in it and begging it to just swallow him whole and lever let him come back to this place- this miserable hellhole where nothing really made sense. Everything was falling apart right before his eyes… and for once he wondered if he really had anything together to begin with. Maybe the hole he’d been digging for himself had finally gotten too deep for him to see anything else- too deep to breathe in anything but suffocating dirt enclosing him on every side.

 

It hurts Leeteuk. Oh my God it hurts…

 

Dry sobs and cries of pain wracked Heechul’s heaving chest as an invisible weight crushed him against the only thing keeping him from falling into oblivion, silent agony of an unknown tomorrow tearing open new wounds on his arms. He couldn’t cry. He’d forgotten how long ago.

 

I can’t do this… God I can’t do this anymore…

 

Please help me…

 

Please… do something.

 

I think… I need you…

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

“They’ll probably send you home as soon as I turn in the report. I’m pretty sure a train should be coming by tomorrow afternoon.”

 

Donghae blinked up at his lover from his place on Eunhyuk’s bed, eyes narrowing slightly. “Then hold on to the report for a few days,” he said with a yawn, closing his eyes and resting his cheek against the pillow that reeked of his favorite smell. “Everyone knows how you are with paperwork. I mean really Hyukjae, you could probably hold that thing for a month and no one would question it.”

 

The medic rolled his eyes for the nth time that night as he settled beside Donghae’s hips, careful not to make contact with the deep purple bruise adorning his lover’s torso. “I’ve always turned in release reports within a few hours of the examination. Daeryeong Kim is… out of contact for a while, so we only have until about… I don’t know. Whenever Jungnyeong Park wakes up. We’ve already talked about this Hae… There’s no avoiding it.” Eunhyuk’s voice softened to a finish and he wove trembling fingers into his lover’s feathery brown hair. The strands felt like damp silk under his touch, falling perfectly back into place as soon as he let go. Eunhyuk knew he would miss this. “Donghae-ah…”

 

“So… Everything will be gone after I leave. It’ll be like we never met.”

 

“Don’t say it like that.”

 

“It’s true though, isn’t it?”

 

“Donghae stop it.”

 

“No, I’m not going to stop. I’m not going to let the best thing that’s ever happened to me just disappear like it was nothing- like we were nothing. Make me remember Hyukjae. If this is all going to end… at least give me something to hold on to. Make me remember what you feel like, what you taste like… I just need something to make me remember that doing all this wasn’t just a big waste of time. Please Hyukjae… I don’t want us to end like this.” Donghae’s slowly slid open to see Eunhyuk staring down at him, something written all over his face that Donghae couldn’t quite read. He wasn’t sure when the hand brushing through his hair had decided to lace their fingers together instead, but the warmth pressing against his icy palms was hard to argue with. “Give me something that will make sure I’ll never be able to wash you out of my skin.”

 

There a long silence- a terrible, heart wrenching, bloody silence- before Eunhyuk finds the strength to do anything without bursting into tears again, but Donghae can’t say that he wanted a quick response. The elder man’s body began to move on its own accord, his parted lips gravitating toward the tanned skin covering his lover’s sharp jaw line and hovering over it, so close but careful not yet to touch. He decides to just breathe; breathe in everything Donghae has, everything he’d ever engraved in the man’s skin that he prayed would never come out. A warm numbness has settled over his body and made their world so surreal he couldn’t tell if they were still in his shitty room in the middle of camp 409 or if they were drifting somewhere in the sunrise-stained clouds of a morning afterglow they never got a chance to taste. He wanted it- so badly tears burned in the corners of his eyes and fell onto his lover’s chest as if it had started raining all over again.

 

I don’t think you understand Hae. Maybe you’ll never be able to understand.

 

Feather-light touches caressed Donghae’s arms as gentle kisses fluttered against his face and neck. He wanted nothing than to stay like that way for the rest of their lives, basking in the beautiful haze Donghae had thrown over him as he finally let his lips rest against his lover’s. The kiss was slow and sloppy as if they had all the time in the world to do this. No clock was ticking away the seconds until their separation; no one in the world was trying to tear them apart.

 

“I don’t know what else you want me to give you Donghae,” he whispered into his lover’s gaping mouth, hot and sweet and perfect. “You’ve got my heart, is there really anything left?”

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

“Do you remember the first time I came to you?”

 

“Yeah, you were so freaked out about getting up you fell face-first off the top bunk.”

 

“…Okay, second time.”

 

“Naturally.”

 

“I think I was already in love you with then.”

 



A/N: like i've said a thousand times before, i'm incredibly sorry for making  you wait so long for this, but i'm fucking thrilled about how this came out :] so! here's the important part.THE UPDATING POLICY IS GOING TO CHANGE. what i mean by that is i'm going to make you guys work for new updates. that means 'm not even going to start writing the next chapter of letters from war until i see 25 comments on this page. and those do not include comments that i have made, spots, or replies. my hits have gotten up into the 600's for the last chapter guys, i'm sure at least 25 of you can take 2 minutes to leave a comment on work that took me 5 MONTHS. if the comments reach 35, i'll give you all a special treat in the form of my new fic 'Hello.' a chapter from that will be posted THE NEXT DAY after i count 35 original comments, and it's pretty much all written already so there should be no problems with that. NOW GO FOURTH AND SHOW ME A BIT OF LOVE MMKAY? ;]

COUNT IS AT 25 AS OF 6/16


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Title: I Need You 
Length: One-shot (Drabble) 
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: PG-13 for language 
Genre: Supposed to be angsty
Disclaimer: apparently they had better things to tattoo on themselves than my name, so no, i don't own them
Summary: Hangeng has been in China for almost two months and Heechul 's starting to feel the withdrawl
Author's Note: my first suju pairing-centric fic :D



“Geng? I’m really drunk. Come pick me up.”

 

“Wh-what? Hyung I can’t. Call one of the other members to get you.”

 

“No no no. Eeteuk hyung put me on lockdown. He said ‘no alcohol for you Mr. Kim Hee-chul; no sir.’ But I said ‘yes sir, I’m going to drink all the fucking alcohol I want and laugh in your face while I’m doing it.’”

 

“Why call me?”

 

“Because all the other bastards would tell on me.”

 

Sigh. “Listen hyung; I can’t pick you up. I’m in China. I have been for the past two months.”

 

“So ten minutes then? Good, ‘cause I really don’t wanna stay here by myself much longer.”

 

“No Hyung, I’m in China- as in the country China. You know, the one with Beijing?”

 

“Are you going to make me Beijing Fried Rice in the morning too?”

 

Another sigh. “I’ll call Siwon and tell him to come get you.”

 

“Hell no. I hate him.”

 

“You love Siwon.”

And Donghae loves fish. So what?”

Just put the alcohol down Hyung. Siwon will be there in five minutes.”

 

“What? No, don’t leave me!”

 

“You can always call if you need something. Bye hyung.”

 

“Fine you bastard. Be that way.”

 

“Aish… You really should clean up your language.”

 

“Bite me.”

 

Another. “Tell Siwon to text me when he gets there.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“Goodnight Heechul.”

 

“’Night jackass who won’t come get his so-called best friend when he really needs you.”

 

The older man hangs up without another word. But that’s okay because Hangeng didn’t have the heart to remind Heechul that he called from his apartment’s landline anyway.




A/N: so i wrote this in literally about three minutes last night at 2am because my friend and i were talking about hanchul a few hours before and well..... i love them so hardcore and i know heechul misses geng like hell ((read his twitter and cyowrld update for a while ago... depressing)) so i hope it turned out okay :] believe it or not i'm making progress with chapter 19 :] very very slow, but it's getting there. i love you all and thank you so much for your support <3


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just because

so i figured that i've kept you waiting long enough, and chapter 19 is not done at all, but! i will give you all what i have. it's not a real update so i'm going to say fuck the format and posting it in any of the comms. i also figured that since you guys are my friends on here and actually give enough of a damn that i should give yall something special. so here's your reward for not loosing faith in me or in the boys <3 ((oh and just in case anyone cares.... yamapi+jae+alcohol= a very happy holystardown :] ))










Nervous fingers picked at thin white sheets as time ticked seconds away, each bringing the hour hand closer to the big ten he longed for it to touch. Any minute now… Closer… Closer… “Damnit.”

 

Yunho got up from his bed and began his pacing for the nth time that night, agitation and impatience getting the better of him once again; he just couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted Jaejoong right here, right now, whispering his name in that beautiful voice of his until neither of them could take it any longer. “Damnit…” The officer cursed under his breath once again before leaning up against the wall, head colliding soundlessly with the solid barrier. Maybe he got lost. Maybe he doesn’t want to come. Maybe he wasn’t able to sneak out. Maybe he…

 

Yunho’s dark-adjusted eyes wandered back to the slowly ticking clock. 10:01. “Damnit Jaejoong… Where are you?”

 

“I’m right here.”

 

The soft whisper went through Yunho like a gunshot, twisting his body away from the wall to face the window he never bothered to close from Jaejoong’s last escape. “Jaejoong,” he breathed out. “When did you get here?”

 

“I just walked up when you started talking to yourself.” Jaejoong paused, shifting uneasily for a second. “Unless you’ve been talking to yourself for a while… In that case I hope you don’t do that often because, well, that usually means a person is crazy...”

 

But Yunho completely ignored the trainee’s words. Instead, he made a B-line for the window and pulled Jaejoong into a searing, desperate kiss of tongues and teeth. Heated air rushed between them in the milliseconds they were apart for breath, their skin on fire and yearning for the other’s touch. The younger man could barely register that he was being pulled through the window and into Yunho’s room before he was pressed up against the wall, gasping and panting and desperate for something he couldn’t wrap his mind around. “Yunho…” he sighed.

 

“You don’t know how badly I wanted you to get here Jaejoong.” The officer kept his words fast as his desire to devour Jaejoong’s lips overpowered him. Any thoughts of his original plan crumbled to ash when he had seen the trainee’s beautiful face, his only focus being the need to touch the other man as much as possible. He just couldn’t care less any more. The incident with Yoochun struck a possessive nerve in him that Yunho never knew he had, and seeing Jaejoong- hearing Jaejoong- drown in the pleasure that he was causing made the possession burning in the pit of the officer’s stomach transform into a raging inferno. He wanted Jaejoong, and no one else was going to touch him. No one.

 

Yunho’s mouth began to wander Jaejoong’s body, finally latching onto the trainee’s neck and painting a dark purple rose on the skin to mark his claim. In that moment, he wanted the world to know that no one else could have tainted Jaejoong’s perfect skin, that no one else could hear the delicious moans spilling from Jaejoong’s lips like he could. “God you’re so gorgeous…” he breathed against the trainee’s chest, slowly working away the buttons blocking his path. He needed this- needed to know that Jaejoong wanted no one else but him.

 

Oh God…

 

Jaejoong could hardly keep his eyes open and mouth shut. So many sensations assaulted his body at impossible magnitudes… he almost didn’t want it to stop. A hand passed over his growing bulge, lightly teasing and nothing more. “Yunho…”

 

Yunho smirked. “I saw your display earlier,” he said darkly as another button was lost to the night. “Don’t think you’re going to get off of your punishment so easily without begging for it.”

 

Jaejoong moaned, loud and shameless.

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

Heechul didn’t want to sleep. His entire body ached and he knew he needed it, but he just couldn’t. Changmin was here, Changmin was hurt, and Changmin’s pain was his fault. The Daeryeong had been staring at the boy’s sleeping form for hours until he finally couldn’t take it anymore. “What am I doing?” he groaned. I can’t stay here… I can’t… “Fuck this.” The sharp whisper scratched against the walls of the medical ward as Heechul flung away his covers and twisted out of bed. If Eunhyuk thinks he can keep me here he’s got another thing coming.

 

The IV slipped out of the twenty-six year old’s arm and was left forgotten to create a crimson river on the floor as Heechul crept to Eunhyuk’s room door. Hushed voices slipped through the cracks that he ignored, and in seconds, Heechul was out the door and into the night.

 

There’s three of them. Cracked, but thankfully not broken.

 

So I can stay?!

 

No.

 

But Eunhyuk-

 

They won’t let you stay here if you can’t train.

 

Then lie! No one else has to know. Please Hyukjae, do something!

 

I’m not going to let you hurt yourself! Oh no… Hae… No, stop crying, damnit. You’ll get me started… Hae…

 

I don’t want to go…

 

I know, I don’t want you to go either… but… there’s nothing we can do.

 

I love you Hyukjae…

 

… I love you too.





so there you go :] it' not much and it might make you even madder ((?)) at me since it's basically a cockblock but.... hey, it's something. and truth be told, it's probably all you're going to be getting for a while. my depression has gotten worse. i'm' not seeing an end to it any time soon. ((obviously the news about dbsk and hangeng haven't helped either))

not only am i going to ask you to keep the faith in them, but also keep the faith in me. i love you all and i hope to never let you down <3
PeAcE
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Title: Letters From War
Length: [19/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae, Yoosu, Teukchul
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: i only own them in my dreams
Summary: In the breaking point of the Korean war, two brothers get drafted into the military and forced to fight for the lives. literally. punishment in camp 409 is just as unforgiving as its officers. attraction? frowned upon. affection? unheard of. love? strickly forbidden. But the training camp they thought they knew gets turned upside down when six of them decide to leave no rule left unbroken
Author's Note: sorry this took forever! ((does anyone even read this anymore? :/)) read AN at the end if you care for an explaination

{Prologue} {Ch1} {Ch2} {Ch3} {Ch4} {Ch5a} {Ch5b} {Ch6} {Ch7} {Ch8} {Ch9a} {Ch9b} {Ch10} {Ch11} {Ch12} {Ch13a} {Ch13b} {Ch13c} {Ch13d} {Ch14} {Ch15} {Ch16} {Ch17}



 

It’s a strange thing the way sleep works. It creeps up on an unsuspecting victim and snatches their mind away before they know what hit them, the victim remaining oblivious until it has already let them go. It forces the one it holds into unrealistic hallucinations of their fantasies, their memories, their fears. It leaves you vulnerable and blind-sided, yet brings about a peaceful nirvana where nothing else truly exists. Of all people, Kim Heechul was not at all a fan of the mystery known as sleep. He detested, defied it, loathed it for sneaking up on him when he least expected it and making him completely helpless.

When Heechul opened his eyes after sleep had momentarily loosened its grip, he didn’t know where he was or when he had fallen victim to its grip again. All he did know was that there was a soft arm beneath his cheek and an angel standing before him. The angel had lifted him from his haven, away from the arm that possessed his one single tear, and into its gentle embrace. Heechul welcomed the angel’s somehow familiar arms, entrusting his entire being to this “holy spirit.” But Kim Heechul didn’t believe in such things; believing in angels was for those who were too weak to take responsibility for their own problems. Still, the broken military officer wanted to believe, if just for a moment, that something not from this cruel world was taking care of him.

None of the words spoken by this angel were comprehended, but its voice- its smooth, gentle voice- felt so familiar, and was soon all Heechul could hear, all he could think about. If nothing else, the exhausted man just wanted to stay in this peace uninterrupted for as long as possible- a few more minutes would have been nice- but no, before Heechul knew it the angel was putting him down again. A whine of protest left his lips when he was gently dropped on something far less comfortable than the arm he was resting on, earning him another string of beautiful words from the angel. His hair was brushed away from his eyes, a pair of soft lips pressed to his forehead, and just like that the angel was gone and Heechul fell victim to sleep’s hold again.



**~**~**~**~**

Jaejoong couldn’t have been more grateful to his brother’s lover than he was when night finally fell over camp 409. Despite having to dive into his bed and pretend to be unconscious when the doors flew open, the young trainee was glad to see the rest of Resident A come back. Their marching footsteps were slow and heavy, some practically dragging as they made their way closer to Jaejoong’s bed. His eye barely slid open to watch the men’s waists as they passed by, searching for a certain figure... Average, average, eh, average, lacking, average, practically non-existent, Junsu! Jaejoong’s hand darted out from underneath his covers only to withdraw right away when an alarmed dolphin shriek pierced the air.

“PARK YOOCHUN!!!”

The flat-figured man in front of Junsu turned, both of them stopping in their tracks. “What?”

“Why would you do that??” Junsu cried.

Yoochun crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, staring his young lover down for a second before speaking. “Do what?”

The younger trainee flailed his arms in the air. “You know exactly what you did!”

“But I didn’t do anything.”

“Did too! I felt it!”

“Felt what? Su, you’re making a scene out of nothing.”

“Am not! I know what I felt and unless that bed magically grew a pair of hands-”

“Junsu, it was me!”

The two bickering trainees froze mid-sentence, mouths wide open and accusations hot on their tongues. “Hyung!” Junsu squeaked.

Jaejoong rolled his eyes under closed lids and sighed. “You always sound so shocked,” he whispered.

“Well it’s not every day that you pinch my butt,” Junsu shot back in defense, crossing his arms and lips forming a small pout. (Yoochun would have sworn that if Junsu got any cuter he would have jumped him on the spot.) “Why’d you do that anyway?”

Jaejoong sighed. “To get your attention. Why else?”

“Ok, now you have it. What do you want?”

The elder twin paused. What did he want? “I just… wanted to… say hi,” he said slowly. Despite being unable to see his brother’s face, Jaejoong knew that Junsu didn’t believe him any more than he believed himself.

“Really?” Junsu said flatly. “Look hyung, if you don’t have something important to tell me then I’m going to go. Training wiped me out and we have to eat dinner soon anyway.”

“I di-”

“And no, I don’t consider whatever you did with Soryeong Jung while you were skipping important.”

Jaejoong shot up in an instant, his eyes narrowed in a vicious glare. “I did not skip out on training to do anything with him!” he hissed. But again, Junsu looked completely unconvinced. “Wasn’t he out there, oh I don’t know, training you? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I do believe that that’s what training officers are here for.”

“Explain why he left an hour early!”

“How the hell should I know?!”

“Because you were with him!”

“I just told you that I wasn’t!”

“You’re lying!”

“Both of you knock it off!!”

Silence consumed the Resident and every head turned to stare at Yoochun. Grim lines marked the trainee’s face, every bit of his usual playfulness replaced with stone. “Both of you need to stop arguing and bringing attention to yourselves.” He looked into Junsu’s eyes, voice lowering to almost a whisper. “You need to stop fighting with everything. And you,” he shifted his gaze to Jaejoong, “need to watch what you shout out to anyone listening. Anyone looking at us right now could have heard you.”

Clouds of regret hung over the twins; one much darker than the other. Jaejoong made the first move, lying back down and folding his arms under his head. “I’m sorry Su…” he mumbled.

Junsu said nothing.

“Su?”

“I’m not going to apologize if that’s what you want,” the younger said quietly. “You know I’m right Hyung.”

“No you a-”

“Don’t even start!” Yoochun intervened before the twins could go off again. “Talk to each other when you’ve cooled down, but until then just let it go, okay?”

The other two stayed silent but nodded in assent.

“Good. We’ll go eat soon and you can start over there. In the meantime, Susu babe, come with me.”

Jaejoong watched Yoochun drag his dongsaeng away, shaking his head at Junsu’s squeaked-out questions and Yoochun’s laughter faded. “What does babe mean? Hey! Yoochun! What does it mean??” The clouds over Jaejoong only got darker as every second passed, his melancholy shading over his world. Junsu was always one to forgive and forget in a heartbeat, but this time… he wouldn’t even apologize for being completely wrong! The thought turned over in his mind, and Jaejoong’s frustration with it all only grew. Who does he think he is accusing me like that? He seethed. It’s not like he never went out of his way to be with Yoochun! I didn’t even SEE Yunho since he… well since I was with him this morning! Jaejoong flipped over to lie on his stomach and cradled his pillow against his cheek. I didn’t even do anything wrong… He should be the one feeling like crap right now and I should be the angry one! Aish, this is so backwards… Try as he might, no amount of self-justification settled Jaejoong’s flipping stomach and weary mind.

And the feeling stayed with him as the rest of Resident A passed by his bunk on their way to the Mess Hall, as he followed slowly behind them, and even as he took his place across from Junsu at the table. If anything, seeing his sweet dongsaeng’s bubbly face go stone cold at the sight of him only made it worse.

“Glad you decided to join us Jaejoong,” Yoochun said with a slight smile on his face. “You good to talk now?”

I’m not the one you should be asking that… As much as Jaejoong wanted to say it out loud, the trainee held his tongue and nodded, earning him a brighter smile.

“Good. Now that you two are listening, let me explain what happened. After Jaejoong and I took Donghae to the medical ward I told him to stay behind and get some rest. Soryeong Jung was training us for most of the time we were out there with Jungnyeong Park AND Jungnyeong Choi, so I’m pretty sure they would have said something if he left an hour early without reason. Not to mention that Jungnyeong Park left early as well.” Yoochun too a brief pause to look from Junsu to Jaejoong and back, grinning slightly. “I think we can safely say that unless Jungnyeong Park was in on the action too, Jaejoong and Soryeong Jung weren’t together. Am I right?”

Junsu’s face fell with each word that fell from his lover’s mouth, his heart sinking just a little bit more each second. “Oh…” he muttered when Yoochun’s explanation was finished. Guilt trickled into his swirling mind and kept his eyes locked on the table separating him from his brother. God, how he hated times like this when nothing seemed like the right thing to say; no combination of words could make it work. “I’m sorry Hyung… I thought…”

“Don’t worry about it Su,” Jaejoong cut in.

“No I will worry about it! What do you think is going to happen when you get caught someday Hyung? What am I gunna do?” Junsu cried. “Whether or not you did it this time doesn’t matter; we all know you’re going to do it again! You have to stop doing this.”

“You’re such a hypocrite!” Jaejoong shouted without missing a beat. Anger pulsed in his veins and burned in his eyes, demolishing the filter in his mouth. “What the fuck do you think he’s hanging around for, huh? Let me give you a hint: it’s not for your great personality!”

“What are you trying to say!?”

“I’m not trying to say anything!”

“So what, you think Soryeong Jung wants you for anything else?? You’re nothing but a toy to him Jaejoong! He probably has a wife at home that he loves, and he’s just using you as a cheap replacement!”

If a gun had gone off in that instant, Jaejoong would have known no different. All color drained from his face. Air ceased to pass by his lips. His heart refused to beat. The darkness of Junsu’s eyes consumed him and threw him into an oblivion where he couldn’t hear the words flying from Yoochun’s mouth. Toy? Just a toy? Is that all?

“You’re wrong Junsu,” Jaejoong whispered unconsciously. “You’re wrong and I’ll prove it.”



**~**~**~**~**

“Really Hyung, Eunhyuk won’t like you being in here.”

Yunho raised an eyebrow in skepticism, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Oh really? And why is that?” he asked slowly.

Changmin answered without missing a beat. “Because he’s weird. You know that.”

“And your face looks like shit. I know that too,” Yunho shot back with a smirk.

Changmin scrunched his face in resent and leaned against the barely-open metal door.

“It’s Jaejoong’s fault; he did it.”

“You told him to.”

“…Touché.” The young officer pursed his lips as he suddenly took great interest in the dirt at Yunho’s feet. “Can’t you just tell me whatever you need to tell me right here?” An edge of hope laced his words, but it was soon smothered by a firm shake of his hyung’s head.

“No one can hear this except you.”

And just like that, Changmin’s face lit up again. “Then you definitely can’t come in here. Eunhyuk has other patients you know?” he said matter-of-factly.

“I thought the last ones were released yesterday.” Again skepticism marked the elder’s face. “What’s going on Changmin?”

“Nothing,” Changmin said smoothly. He shifted his weight to fully lean on the doorframe, a deep sigh passing his lips and his eyes sliding closed. “Just say whatever it is you need to say and get it over with Hyung; I’m tired.”

Yunho hesitated with his answer at first, rolling the words around on his tongue before letting them spill out. “I need you to watch Jaejoong for me.”

The younger’s eyes snapped open. “Watch him?”

“Look, I know it sounds weird, but it’s important. There’s this other trainee, an American transfer, that’s been trying to make a move on him,” Yunho explained quietly.


Changmin grinned. “Do I detect jealousy Hyung?”

“No! I just… I saw him kissing Jaejoong earlier today but Jaejoong pushed away. I won’t tolerate someone harassing him, especially not Park Yoochun.”

An unexpected sting shocked Changmin’s heart, but he smiled through it. “Alright Hyung, I’ll watch him. If Yoochun gets too close I’ll do something about it.”

Yunho let out a sigh of semi-relief and whispered a small thank you. His tension slowly began to unknot itself as he stood in his favorite dongsaeng’s presence, his last words still lingering in the air. But there was something else… The knots tightened again and Yunho cleared his throat. “There’s one more thing I need to ask you for Min…” he said.


The young officer’s smile began to falter. “Yes?” The word came out slowly, his unease only growing as Yunho’s gaze locked on the floor.

“I know that you’ve already done a lot for me because of him and… I feel bad for asking you to do more… especially after you just got punched in the face for us but… if anyone brings Jaejoong to you, or asks if you told him to do something for you, just go with it. Could you do that for me? For us?”

Again Changmin felt the slight sting. Yunho just asked him to cover for them, which means that… “Yeah Hyung. That’s fine. I can do that,” he said quickly before his mind could reject like he knew it wanted to. Yunho’s face lit up and he decided to continue.

“Just don’t be reckless about it. I mean, your room is really close to Heechul and the other officers. And we all know that those walls are pretty thin…”

“I would smack you if you didn’t look like you already got hit by a truck,” Yunho sneered with a betraying grin Changmin couldn’t help but to return.

“Yeah yeah, just try not to help Heechul get off. Leeteuk might have your head for it.” The young officer figured that if he smiled enough the pain in his face would drown out the pain in his heart.



**~**~**~**~**

Jaejoong practically threw himself on his bed when he returned to the Resident A building, shoving his arms underneath his pillow and smashing his face into the lousy white cushion. “I’ll show you Junsu… Yunho doesn’t… He’s not… SCREW YOU!” Jaejoong launched his pillow at the foot of his bed as he shouted to no one, the small action catching the attention of his room mates and pissing a few off.

“Hey! You should be happy you get your letters at all,” a nearby trainee snapped.

Jaejoong propped himself up on his elbows to stare at the other trainee, tilting his head when the other threw a piece of paper at him. “What’s this?”

“How should I know?” the trainee answered. “It came out of your pillow.”

“What the…” Jaejoong took the paper hesitantly, eyes locked on the other trainee until the last second before reading the scribbled words.

Come to my room tonight an hour after lights out. Make sure no one sees you- that includes your brother. If you disobey Changmin needed to see you. Third in right, Jung Choi. Need to talk to you about something. No “punishment” if you don’t show.

The young trainee just blinked at the note in his hand, mind and heart racing from just the few words scribbled in what he could only guess was Yunho’s handwriting. It was perfect… so, so perfect.

A bright smile crept onto Jaejoong’s plush lips, reopening the long-forgotten split, but he didn’t care. “I’ll be there Yunho.”



**~**~**~**~**

Changmin let out a long sigh as he made his way back to his bed, the gesture a mixture of both sorrow and relief. Yunho would get to be with Jaejoong again: good. Jaejoong would be with Yunho again: bad. And God’s knows what those two will be doing this time! Changmin thought with another sigh. His chest burned with flames of jealousy that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t suppress. He wanted his hyung to be happy. He wanted Jaejoong. He wanted… “Too much,” the young officer said out loud.

As he lay his weary body back down, Changmin stole a glance at his superior lying helpless and vulnerable on the bed beside him, and he couldn’t help but think why can’t things just work? Why can’t Heechul realize how in love he is with Leeteuk? Why does he have to think he loves me? Why are Jaejoong and Yunho the only ones to get this right? Why do I have to come between both of them? Maybe I was supposed to be with someone else. Maybe it was Chirimi, Siwon even. Pain streaked his face at the thought of his fallen companions and just the weight of it all. The Jungnyeong was known for his bright smiles and unfailing optimism, but as his eyes slid closed for the night he couldn’t shut out the barefaced reality of his bleeding heart.

Maybe… the matchmaker was just meant to be alone.





A/N: ok, so i know this entry is short even though i made yall wait forever for it but.... idk. really the only thing that's made this take so long is depression. there's really no cause for it, so don't worry about it or anything, i just feel like crap a lot lately. ((for two months? yeah -_-)) not a fun time. anyway, i really hope you guys like this chapter even though it isn't much, and i would say that my next update won't take as long but... i really don't know. at this rate it just might. ((i hope not. i just don't want to make promises i can't keep)) so! please leave me a comment and cheer me up so i can get the new chapter going :D i love you all <3

Oh! and as for the spots, i'm sorry i forgot about .... well pretty much all of you x_x let me know if you had one and still want one/ want me to start saving you one now. first one goes to moon1084 as always though ;]


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Title: Letters From War
Length: [18/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae, Yoosu, Teukchul
Rating: Overall NC-17 
Genre: Romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: i only own them in my dreams
Summary: In the breaking point of the Korean war, two brothers get drafted into the military and forced to fight for the lives. literally. punishment in camp 409 is just as unforgiving as its officers. attraction? frowned upon. affection? unheard of. love? strickly forbidden. But the training camp they thought they knew gets turned upside down when six of them decide to leave no rule left unbroken
Author's Note: sorry this took so long! bunch of junk has been going on lately and... yeah. read AN at the end if you care

{Prologue} {Ch1} {Ch2} {Ch3} {Ch4} {Ch5a} {Ch5b} {Ch6} {Ch7} {Ch8} {Ch9a} {Ch9b} {Ch10} {Ch11} {Ch12} {Ch13a} {Ch13b} {Ch13c} {Ch13d} {Ch14} {Ch15} {Ch16}



When Jaejoong starts doubting his love for the rain he knows for certain that the military really has screwed with his head. For the first time in his eighteen years of life, he wished the water splashing against his face would just go away. His grip on Donghae’s skinny legs slackened and slipped as he tried to keep up with Yoochun’s rushed pace, occasionally sliding in mud puddles and nearly letting go to catch himself on more than one occasion. But despite his immense frustration, he kept silent throughout their journey. Neither he nor Yoochun spoke a word to each other as they struggled with Donghae through the downpour, refusing to stop until they got to the medical ward.

 

Yoochun on the other hand was grateful for the cooling shower. His muscles ached from their morning drills, and the rain relaxed his pain away. Not to mention that before the clouds rolled in it was unbearably hot. His hair had long since matted to his forehead from sweat and his arms started to feel like lead so long ago he almost forgotten when they had ever felt normal. With a tired sigh, Yoochun backed himself against the ward’s metal door and looked down at Donghae’s rain-soaked face. “You think you can stand for a second?”

 

“Yeah, I think so,” the injured trainee answered.

 

Jaejoong hesitated, sharing a long gaze with Yoochun before slowly letting Donghae’s legs slide to the ground. As soon as Jaejoong’s arm was securely wrapped around his shoulders and Donghae was standing, Yoochun banged on the door with one hand and used his other to jiggle the door handle. “Soryeong Lee!” he yelled above the pounding rain. “Soryeong Lee, someone needs you!”

 

Ten seconds passed with no response, Yoochun pounding on the door again and Donghae leaning down to whisper in Jaejoong’s ear. “You know, this whole getting kicked by an officer thing isn’t so bad if I get to see him,” he said breathlessly against Jaejoong’s skin, a wicked grin plastered on his lips. He winced slightly as he tried to shift his stance, but the grin was back in no time flat. “I just really hope I don’t get the hiccups or something.”

 

Jaejoong only offered a sad smile in return to his bunkmate. “Yeah, me too,” he muttered. And then it hit him. His eyes widened and body jerked in realization, a sharp “ohmygodofcourse!” escaping his lips as Donghae gasped in pain. “Soryeong Lee!” he shouted before Yoochun. “It’s Donghae! He’s hurt!”

 

Donghae would have protested against his bunkmate’s thoughtless method, but the door was shoved open so quickly his mind couldn’t even process what Jaejoong had said before it banged against the wall.

 

Eunhyuk’s small frame was rooted in front of Donghae in an instant, hands stuck on his cheeks and turning the trainee’s head every which way- no doubt checking for any sort of mark that could indicate an injury. The medic’s worry-struck eyes scanned over the expanse of Donghae’s tan skin and delicate fingers ghosted over every part of him they could find as words gushed from his mouth. “What happen? How are you hurt? Who did it?” he gushed. But Donghae just grinned again.

 

“Now what would you have done if my neck was broken?” he asked quietly as his head was rolled back.

 

“Kicked their asses for moving you,” Eunhyuk replied with a nod toward Jaejoong and Yoochun. “Tell me what happened before I decide to do it anyway.” He gently straightened Donghae’s head again, brushing the slightly younger male’s rain-soaked bangs away from his eyes. Their gazes locked for a silent moment before Yoochun’s voice broke their thoughts.

 

“He was kicked in the side, sir,” Yoochun blurted, bowing his head to block out the fire blazing in the medic’s eyes.

 

The smaller man only remained still for a moment before he hurriedly yanked up Donghae’s soaked shirt. A small gasp escaped his lips when his gaze fell on the purple stain marking his lover’s side. Dread consumed Eunhyuk’s mind, drowning his sudden rage and making him cringe when Donghae winced at his slightest touch. “Who did this?” he hissed.

 

The three trainees hesitated with their answer, unsure of which they feared more: Eunhyuk’s murderous glare or Leeteuk’s fury. Not a sound was made aside from the pattering rain to answer the medic’s question, and the latter’s agitation grew with every passing second. His thin fingers tightened their grip on Donghae’s shirt momentarily in what the others were sure could have been a death grip. “I order you to tell me who did this,” he gritted out, his teeth firmly clamped together.

 

“It was Jungnyeong Park.”

 

And just like that, the fury disappeared from Eunhyuk’s eyes. His grip on Donghae’s shirt loosened and dread burned in his veins. “Has he hurt anyone else?” he asked softly.

 

“Not yet.”

 

Jaejoong shifted uneasily as Yoochun’s words were spoken; both had a little duck-butt in mind that neither of them wanted Leeteuk to harm, and Jaejoong had other things to worry about. In attempt to move things along, Jaejoong decided to speak up. “Sir, I don’t mean to question your expertise, but I think it would be better for Donghae hyung to be inside and get treated than to keep him standing in the rain.”

 

Eunhyuk’s eyes narrowed in concentration. “Yes… Of course. You two can go back to what you were doing; he’ll be fine with me,” he said stiffly, his eyes trained on Donghae’ damaged torso.

 

No goodbyes were exchanged as the injured trainee was passed from Jaejoong to the medic, just tight bows and muttered thank-yous. They were soon out of sight, shielded by a curtain of the sky’s tears. Donghae’s cheeks puffed out and he stared at Eunhyuk with raised eyebrows. “You’re mad,” he stated bluntly.

 

“I’m not mad.”

 

“You look mad.”

 

“I’m not mad.”

 

“Then what it is?”

 

Eunhyuk hesitated with his answer, his fidgeting slowing to gentle caresses. “It doesn’t matter,” he said with a deep sigh. “Come on, I need to get you inside.”

 

“Hyukie~” Donghae whined as he was pulled into the ward, pouting and shuffling his feet the whole way.

 

“If I let you in here, you can’t say a word. Got it?”

 

“Why not? I’m in pain. I should be able to scream at the top of my lungs if I feel like it.”

 

Eunhyuk whipped around faster than a lightning strike. “Do it and you’re dead,” he hissed. The heart-broken look on Donghae’s face made the medic want to shoot himself, but what he said was necessary; if Heechul knew… Eunhyuk shook the unwanted thought away, instead taking a hold on his lover’s wrist and leading him to the bed in his private quarters.

 

The room was relatively small, papers scattered everywhere and sticking out of open drawers making it appear just that much more cramped. Even the small cot stuffed into the corner was littered with half-finished papers and a few stray pens. Donghae looked around with skepticism flashing in his eyes, his lips turning down slightly in disapproval. “Did a tornado come through here or something?” he asked quietly.

 

“Heechul-shii overloaded me with paperwork when he heard the Wonsu was coming…” Eunhyuk mumbled as he shuffled through the white sheets littering his cot and tried to move them away. “You know I don’t do well with paperwork.”

 

Donghae nodded with a small smile. “And now we’re getting everything soaked. I’m sure Cinderella will be thrilled.” The words barely left his lips before he was whacked on the back of the head and viciously glared at.

 

“Shut up and be respectful!” Eunhyuk hissed, acid lacing his tongue and fire blazing in his eyes. The medic spared a glance over his shoulder at the thin cloth separating his room from the main ward before shaking his head in apology. “I’m sorry… I just really need you to be quiet Donghae.”

 

All playfulness disappeared from Donghae’s face at Eunhyuk’s tightly spoken words. “I will, but only if you tell me what’s wrong.” The trainee moved through the sea of paper to rest a hand on his lover’s rain-soaked cheek. His teeth were practically crushing each other in attempt to keep himself from screaming in pain, every nerve in his side crying out in agony, but this wasn’t about him right now; something was wrong with his little spider monkey and he wanted to know what. “Please tell me Hyukie. I know you’re not like this.”

 

The medic’s gaze locked on the floor, his body rigid and reluctant to speak. “If I examine you… I’m worried about what I’ll find. Judging by what caused your injury and how quickly the bruise got so dark, I don’t have to look much more to know that you broke at least one of your ribs.”

 

Donghae smiled despite Eunhyuk’s melancholy expression. “So? It only takes, what, a month to heal?” he said almost playfully. “I can deal with it.”

 

But Eunhyuk’s head snapped up, fury blazing in his eyes. “Try three months! And that’s IF it’s only one! And let me tell you something Lee Donghae: if you’re hurt in any way shape or form I will NOT let you force yourself to keep training and make everything worse.”

 

The trainee’s smile slightly faltered. “Then I’ll get to stay here with you for three months until I’m better. Wouldn’t that be a… good thing?”

 

“No! You’ll be useless here for three months if you can’t train. They- they wouldn’t let you stay here.” The older man’s voice was barely a whisper and premature tears glimmered in his eyes. His plush lips trembled as he tried to find new words, but none of them left his throat.

 

“I don’t understand.” Donghae’s smile had vanished and was replaced by a sad confusion. He knew what was happening, his brain just refused to register it until the words were in the air between them.

 

“They’re going to send you home Donghae, and we’re never going to see each other again.”

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

“So… I thought you were supposed to be unconscious?”

 

Jaejoong’s steps came to a halt as Yoochun voiced his persistent thought. The rain poured down on them hard as ever, completely soaking the trainee’s from head to toe and not letting up any time soon. The two men watched the water slide down each other’s face without really seeing it, nor did they care enough to pay attention to the person watching them from afar. Yoochun’s statement had caught Jaejoong slightly off guard; he’d almost completely forgotten about it himself. “Yeah… about that… Um…”

 

Yoochun grinned. “Junsu was really worried about you,” he said almost mockingly.

 

“No surprise there,” Jaejoong shot back without hesitation. “He should worry more about himself though. I can take care of myself.”

 

Yoochun raised an eyebrow at the elder twin’s snappy remark and sped up to match Jaejoong’s hastened pace. “You’re twins right?” he asked calmly.

 

“Yes.”

 

“I’m shocked.”

Jaejoong stopped dead in his tracks, turning his head to stare straight at the other trainee. “Are you?”

 

Yoochun stopped as well, his rain-soaked hair now falling in front of his smiling eyes and turning into black rivers against his skin. “I am,” he said with a grin. “I don’t think I’ve seen two people any more different, especially not twins.”

 

“Just because I’m not falling head over heels for your so-called “charm” doesn’t mean we’re all that different,” Jaejoong snapped.

 

“Whoa, whoa, calm down,” Yoochun said with arms outstretched between them and palms up. Fiery one his duck-butt’s brother is. “I didn’t mean it as a bad thing, I was just making an observation.”

 

“Oh really?”

 

“Yes really,” Yoochun said as he brought himself closer to Jaejoong. With lips almost pressed to Jaejoong’s ear, he continued. “You know, your taste in men is incredibly different. Who’d have thought that a guy with such a pretty face would fall for a stone-cold military officer?” As soon as the words left his mouth Yoochun was shoved away, the sudden shift causing him to topple over into a nearby mud puddle.

 

“How dare you!” Jaejoong shouted. His cheeks flared a bright red and blood pounded in his ears. Oh no, no, no this was not happening. Yoochun couldn’t possibly know about Yunho. Unless… Junsu. Jaejoong shook the thoughts out of his head almost as soon as they came, his brother’s face disappearing in a second. “Look Yoochun, you’ve got this all wrong. It’s not like that between Soryeong Jung and me.”

 

Yoochun’s shit-eating grin was enough to make the younger trainee want to smack it right off. “Strange how you know who I’m talking about if there’s nothing going on,” he said, laughing when Jaejoong blushed a bright crimson.

 

“Y-you’re wrong,” Jaejoong stuttered.

 

“And you’re also supposed to be passed out in your bed right now. What’s Jungnyeong Park going to say when you magically show up perfectly fine on the fields in the pouring rain?”

 

Blank, beautiful doe eyes stared back at Yoochun. Rain streaked down Jaejoong’s flushed cheeks almost like tears leaving sparkling trails on a child’s Valentine’s Day card. “What are you trying to say?” he whispered.

 

“I’m trying to say that you can get off the hook. You don’t have to train if everyone thinks you’re out cold,” Yoochun explained indifferently. But his grin inevitably broke through the weak façade and he smacked his hand against Jaejoong’s shoulder. “In other words, go back to the Resident and sleep Jaejoong-ah. It’ll do you good.”

 

“What about you?” Jaejoong asked as the other started to walk away.

 

“I have to go. As much as I would like to sleep the rest of the day, I don’t have any reason to. Not to mention Junsu would probably have an anxiety attack if neither of us came back, don’t you think?”

 

Jaejoong nodded dumbly.

 

“Good,” Yoochun said with a wink. “And you really shouldn’t try to hate me; I’m not any more horrible for attracting your brother than Yunho is for attracting you.”

 

Yoochun left Jaejoong standing in the rain with that statement lingering in the air and haunting the stunned trainee’s mind.

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

A bittersweet taste had lingered in Yunho’s mouth as the Soryeong wandered around the grounds of camp 409. His mind remained clouded with thoughts of his beautiful trainee and it seemed as though nothing could go wrong- not even the ominous clouds pouring water from the heavens put a damper on his light mood. It just-so-happened that Jungnyeong Choi didn’t need him after all, giving Yunho plenty of time to meditate on what he’d done not long ago.

 

Jaejoong was in his room, in his bed, in his mouth; everywhere around him, and it thrilled Yunho to no end. He couldn’t think of any time in his life that he’d every wanted a person so badly or been so heart-broken when they were out of his sight- especially not another man. Jaejoong was just… different. Just thinking about the trainee’s elegant face made his stomach flip, rationality running low and sense of direction disappearing completely.

 

He couldn’t tell you when or how he wandered to the medical ward, but what he saw made his entire body ice over: that trainee- that one damn trainee he’s hated since day one was leaning closer and closer to his angel, lips parted and eyes half closed. What happened next was shielded by a curtain of wet raven hair, but within a second Yoochun was knocked flat on his ass in the mud, Jaejoong’s melodious voice crying out in shock. Before the scene had a chance to completely register in his mind, Yunho was already running away, light mood broken and fury making him see red. 

 

The officer eventually wound up at the doors of the Resident A building and, without much thought, pushed open the doors to the vacant room. Every bunk in the Resident was empty, but those weren’t the Soryeong’s main focus or at least not yet. Instead, he made a straight path to Chirimi- no, Leeteuk’s- room. Without thinking Yunho steals a make-shift map, paper and a pen from Leeteuk’s neatly organized desk. Without thinking he writes a few words and slips the note under Jaejoong’s pillow. Without thinking he leaves the resident and steps out into the pouring rain.


A/N: *screams* THIS TOOK ME FORFREAKINEVER!! and for that i apologize, but sooo much crap has gotten in the way... for once i actually have to pay attention in class and do homework and study, so i don't have any time to write during school which is where i did most of my writing last year. so thats my first major delay factor. the second is serious writer's black and my typical lack of focus. i knew WHAT i wanted to write, i just didn't know how to write it.  third, i've just been so damn stressed. a lot of drama has been going on with my friends ((as in my best friends are all fightening with their best friends who are also my friends.and on top of that, my mom lost her job last weekend. stressed.as.fuck. but! here is my update and i hope you all like it <3

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alright, i have... no muse for LFW right now. :/ i don't know why, but i'm just never happy with what i come up with and end up deleting it all after i type it. i really am sorry this is taking so long... ((if any of you even care anyway))

so! instead of giving you another excuse, i'm just going to post something i saw over at the suju comm :]

1.fav member : hankyung
2. (BE HONEST) yes or no: i memorized all thirteen members' names: yes! but it took me a good while to do it :3
3. Only 13 or iLOVEhenry&zhoumi: love them <3 and anyone who screams "only 13!" at henry while he plays violin at a concert is just a heartless bitch
4. how many pictures do you have of suju (you dont have to be exact): um... about 100?
5. have you ever switched favorite members?(be specific who): yes. it went from teukie to heechul to hannie, and now i can't really decide
6. cutest member: sungmin
7. hottest member: leeteuk (for eight they all need to be different and i know its hard but only one)
8a.member you would like to marry: siwon ((because i want my self a Jesus boy <3))
8b. member you would like to date: hankyung
8c. member you would like as a best friend: heechul
8d.member you would like as a pet&what animal: ((does heebum count? xD)) ryeowook as a dog
9.prettiest member: heechul
10.best singer: ((am i viciously horrible for not being able to tell all their voices apart yet?)) donghae
11.member you think deserves more love than they get: shindong
12.member you think is most like yourself: heechul
13.member you find yourself jealous of all the time and why: not jealous of any of them seperately :/ just as a whole because they have each other and more talent in a strand of hair than i do in my whole body
14.best dressed member: eunhyuk
15.funniest member: yesung
16.weirdest couple(between the members): kibum and siwon
17.OTP(between the members): TEUKCHUL YOU NONBELIEVERS!!! TAKE THAT!!!


and since i couldn't help myself, DBSK version:

1.fav member : jaejoong
2. (BE HONEST) yes or no: i memorized all five members' names: yep yep
3. Only 13 or iLOVEhenry&zhoumi:
4. how many pictures do you have of dbsk (you dont have to be exact): over 2000 all together
5. have you ever switched favorite members?(be specific who): jaejoong forever and for always <3
6. cutest member: junsu
7. hottest member: yunho (for eight they all need to be different and i know its hard but only one)
8a.member you would like to marry: yunho
8b. member you would like to date: yoochun
8c. member you would like as a best friend: changmin
8d.member you would like as a pet&what animal: junsu as a duck :]
9.prettiest member: jaejoong
10.best singer: jaejoong ((lol is my bias showing yet?))
11.member you think deserves more love than they get: changmin
12.member you think is most like yourself: junsu
13.member you find yourself jealous of all the time and why: yoochun because of his cars and composing ability
14.best dressed member: um. they all dress pretty fugly pretty often xD buuut i would have to say changmin
15.funniest member: junsu
16.weirdest couple(between the members): HO.MIN. OMG
17.OTP(between the members): jaeho and yoosu~ ((because sometimes conformity just works))

leave me a comment telling me your answers for suju/dbsk or both! i want to know :D