Title: Letters From War
Length: [21a/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae, Yoosu, Teukchul, ((and is that?)) EUNHAE 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: i only own them in my dreams
Summary: In the breaking point of the Korean war, two brothers get drafted into the military and forced to fight for the lives. literally. punishment in camp 409 is just as unforgiving as its officers. attraction? frowned upon. affection? unheard of. love? strickly forbidden. But the training camp they thought they knew gets turned upside down when six of them decide to leave no rule left unbroken
Author's Note: sorry this took forever! ((does anyone even read this anymore? :/))
i'm in a FREAKISHLY good mood today ((ignore the fact that i failed my math test)) and i am therefor giving you a TRIPLE update :D one chapter from hello, one decently old oneshot, and part one of LETTERS FROM MOTHER FUCKING WAR CHAPTER 20. oh i know, i'm excited too :]

granted, the LFW update isn't very long, nor is it very important, but! it's something. writer's block has been eating me alive for the past few months, but i managed to squeeze the first part of the chapter out and felt like i shouldn't make you wait any longer for it. the hello update will make you all shit birx and possibly shoot me ((*coughthenextfewchaptersareworsecough*
)) :] the oneshot is... well it was me in my emo mood, k? the world needs some more fucking HoChul anyway ((yunchul?))

maybe you're asking why i'm in such a good mood? WELLLLL, i got some LFW written, which made me really happy after struggling with it for so long, my depression has gone away, taemin is <3, eunhae have sex on stage in SS3, the first three chapters of hello have broken 1000 hits <33333 ((ch1 has almost hit 2000 ;~;)) and the other three are not far behind the 1000 mark. i wish i could thank every single one of you personally, but... well... that would take me a very long time lol so i'll just say it here: THANK YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU ALL <3

AND now that you've lived through that ^, here is your update

{Prologue} {Ch1} {Ch2} {Ch3} {Ch4} {Ch5a} {Ch5b} {Ch6} {Ch7} {Ch8} {Ch9a} {Ch9b} {Ch10} {Ch11} {Ch12} {Ch13a} {Ch13b} {Ch13c} {Ch13d} {Ch14} {Ch15} {Ch16} {Ch17} {Ch18} {Ch19}

Never before had he woken up to a more beautiful sight. The smoothed out contours of Donghae’s face were only inches away from him own- beautiful, touchable- and Eunhyuk knew he couldn’t resist the calm innocence radiating from the other man’s sleeping body. His hand slipped from underneath the covers without him telling it to to caress Donghae’s cheek, slow and careful to save the last moments he had with his lover. The sun had yet to rise, but it was the closest thing to a morning after they’d ever had.


Donghae was always forced to run away as soon as their time together was over, often tripping over his pants in his rush to get them on and rush back to his Resident, noses bumping and teeth clashing in ungraceful last moments stolen for passion’s sake. Eunhyuk had laughed at him then, literally kicked him out the door and scolded him for not leaving fast enough but now… he wished that he would have let Donghae’s lips linger for a bit longer and pulled him back when he tried to leave.


Things like this were what Eunhyuk hated about being here. From the very first time his father brought him here at only twelve years old, he knew this was what he wanted to do, where he wanted to be, but the shackles this place had clamped around their ankles and the chains wrapped around their throats suffocated him as he stole a glance back at his sleeping lover. So peaceful, so beautiful… it burned.


Eunhyuk jerked his head away from the sight and focused on what was at hand: finding the release form. Carpets of paper crunched under the medic’s feet as he shuffled around the room, finally finding what he needed by the door where Donghae once stood. The page was stained (with rain or tears he couldn’t tell) but it would have to do; he only had two hours before the sun came up, one less before the other officers woke up for the day, and only seven before the love of his life would be taken away from him, leaving him alone and miserable in camp 409 once again. At that moment Eunhyuk hated his life more than anything. Things had stopped making sense and he just wanted it all to go away. He wanted it all to stop.


Pain burned behind the medic’s eyes with each word that spilled onto the form, every character a red-hot coal being shoved down his throat. He didn’t want this. He wanted to tear the form to shreds, screaming and yelling and raising absolute hell to make sure its contents never saw the light of day… but he couldn’t. Eunhyuk just kept writing until he forgot which stains were from before and which stains he created himself, why his arm burned like hell and why the pen was still digging into his skin long after ‘East Sea’ had been carved deeply into his arm- so deep he would never be able to wash it out of his skin.




Junsu could tell something was off from the second Leeteuk’s voice cut through his dream, screaming at him to get his ass out bed- quickly- and one glance at his brother’s bed told him that yes, something was off. Thin sheets fell from his body as Junsu hurried to get up, leaping to his brother’s bed and clamping his fingers around a corner of white sticking out from underneath Jaejoong’s pillow. He’d been stealing glances at the latter’s empty bed all night; how could he have missed it?


The movement didn’t go unnoticed by the man waking up just five feet above, blinking bleary, sleep-clouded eyes at his seething lover. “Susu-ah… what the hell?” Yoochun muttered as he watched Junsu’s tiny hands clench around the note his brother left behind. It was a stupid thing to ask really. Junsu continued to seethe without giving any hint of an answer and Yoochun shrugged it off; Junsu would explain whatever it was when he couldn’t stand it anymore, and for the moment, getting ready for the day ahead was more important. Their overseer came off as extremely on edge as he screamed at the trainees to get up, and Yoochun really didn’t want to test out just how far he could push before the officer fell off the edge and dragged Yoochun along with him; living and watching a certain Kim Junsu ruffle his little ducky feathers was just too much fun.


The grin that twisted the corners of Yoochun’s lips at the thought was short-lived though. Before the image of Junsu’s flustered face could pass out of Yoochun’s mind, the younger man snapped.


“This is absolutely fucking RIDICULOUS!” Junsu exploded out of nowhere, ripping his clothes out of his bag and effectively shocking Yoochun out of his daze. “I told Jaejoong, I fucking TOLD him not to do stupid shit like this but noooooo- he runs off in the middle of the night to go fuck some idiot ANYWAY!”


A balled up wad of paper came flying through the air and bounced harmlessly off Yoochun’s cheek, falling into his hands without a sound. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit?” the elder man asked lazily as he unfolded the crumpled paper and spread it out on his lover’s pillow. The American’s feet swung leisurely behind his head while his chin rested in open palms and for a second it vaguely reminded Junsu of a 14 year old school girl.


“Overreacting?? NO I’m not overreacting!” the younger shouted. He stopped his furious pacing to stare at Yoochun’s thin frame, his anger calming slightly as he rested his eyes on Yoochun’s placid face. “I’m not overreacting…” he muttered.


“I don’t really see the problem here Su.”


Junsu froze. “What??”


Yoochun quickly decided that flustered Junsu was not only adorable, but potentially dangerous as Leeteuk. The younger boy was at his side in an instant, arms flailing in every direction and landing a few blows on his shoulder. “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T SEE THE PROBLEM??” Junsu shouted as he unleashed his attack.


“I’m just saying that I don’t see why you’re freaking out!” Yoochun cried in defense, half-heartedly raising his arms to block Junsu’s flailing hands. “If anything Soryeong Jung can keep him from getting in trouble. I mean, look at it this way, he already gave Jaejoong a cover up in case something goes wrong.” His thin fingers circled over Yunho’s scribbled characters, drawing Junsu’s attention to the small action and breaking down his reserve. “Seriously Susu, look at what you’re getting worked up about for a second: we did the exact same thing- what, two days ago?- and you weren’t exactly complaining very much after that little adventure.”


Junsu blinked. “That’s not the point here,” he shot back, snapping out of his temporary haze and turning his glare full-force at the man on his bed. “The point is that Jaejoong still isn’t here, so don’t try to change the subject.”


Yoochun’s hands flew up in front of him in defense. “Fine, fine,” he relented, gathering his own clothes and following Junsu out of the Resident and into the bathrooms.


But the ranting about Jaejoong’s absence didn’t stop there. They continued through the showers and even throughout their journey into the Mess hall, and really Yoochun didn’t mind; if it meant hearing his lover’s voice all day he would gladly let the ranting continue (content be damned) simply because he thought Junsu looked adorable when he fumed about Jaejoong like this. He followed obediently beside Junsu as the smaller man led them through the line, nodding in appropriate places despite tuning the actual words out long ago and even offering soft mumbles of agreement when Junsu paused long enough. It was an easy task really, but when the pair approached the table they normally ate at, Yoochun was forced to break the cycle.


“Um, Su?” he asked slowly, his steps slowing as Junsu spun back to face him.




Yoochun shifted slightly in his spot and flicked the bottom of his tray a few times just to make sure he wasn’t imagining anything. All real.


“I don’t think Jaejoong went on any rampage last night,” he finally answered.


Fire returned to Junsu’s eyes. “What are you talking about? Of course he did! Why else wouldn’t he have-” The younger Kim twin’s words were cut short as Yoochun’s arm stretched out, finger pointing to a head of soft ebony hair sitting at their table, lips twisted in a soft smile and face positively glowing. Junsu was left speechless.


Jaejoong was completely content with the world as he idly brought food to his smiling lips, his entire body numbed with a warmth he just couldn’t describe. The sex he’s intended to have with Yunho the night before passed them by after Yunho’s words of tenderness, but in Jaejoong’s opinion, the substitute was much better.


They’d continued to stay glued to each other’s body; hands, lips, torsos, fingers, everything still connected as Yunho eased his lover’s body down onto his bed as if Jaejoong were a porcelain doll, and he couldn’t have imagined anything more beautiful. He’d taken the younger man’s silence as an agreement to stop going further, but the lazy kisses carried on and soft caresses continued throughout the night like nothing at all could ever separate them. They both knew that the overall forbiddenness of their position was still there, taunting them and trying to pull them apart, but neither had given in. Their cares had been tossed to the wind, and Jaejoong spent the night wrapped in Yunho’s arms.


Although waking up to a frantic Yunho practically trying to shove him out the window hadn’t been nearly as tender as the night before, Jaejoong couldn’t help the gentle heat that welled in his heart when he replayed the memory again and glanced down at the new kiss on his hand that was sadly beginning to fade away. Only the letter Yunho begrudging let him scribble down before he left resting beneath his free hand reminded Jaejoong that everything had actually happened.


Dear Umma,


I won.




Heechul hated every single fiber of his own being. He hated that he’d woken up on the damn floor in his damn room, hated that the damn sheet he’d clung to all damn night smelled just like him, and hated that he was the reason that he had dried tears sticking to his damn face when he finally regained consciousness in the morning. Everything still hurt- although not nearly as badly as it had the night before- and pushing himself up off the ground proved to be a chore with stiff muscles protesting every step of the way. His head pounded as he stood upright, arm painfully stretched out to brace himself against the wall, and any sense of time he might have had was long gone. Only a few muffled voices and soft shuffling from behind Leeteuk’s closed door told him that it was some time after six in the morning, and the darkness shadowing the window signified that it was either before seven or already night. Heechul prayed for the former.


So much had gone through his head before he passed out on the unforgiving concrete floor, but Heechul knew there was still more that he needed to know- needed to think about. Among those things beating his mind senseless, only one thing had been certain: Leeteuk was the cause of all of it. Somehow every thought that passed through in the whirlwind had revolved around that man, and Heechul swore that he could remember his lips forming that name at some point during his deliria. And frankly, it scared him to death.


For the past ten years Leeteuk had been the embodiment of everything he hated, and Heechul had kicked the man around like a dog that always came running back to him no matter how cruel his treatment was. He’d done everything in his power to push Leeteuk away over the years since their friendship started to dissolve and eventually fall apart, and Heechul always thought it was what he wanted. So… why did his chest suddenly tighten at just the thought of his former best friend?


Nothing made sense; the pain burning in his chest, the sting in his eyes when he thought about the years of hatred…


Pull yourself together damnit. Stop this.


Slowly the Daeryeong made his way out of Leeteuk’s room and into the rest of the Officer’s Quarters (miraculously without being noticed) and practically threw himself out the doors into the open morning air. His mind had had a slow start, but now it was gushing thoughts and emotions that he hadn’t felt in years at fully bloody force. He wanted nothing more than for it to stop- oh God how he wished it would stop- but the thoughts kept coming until his pounding head couldn’t make sense of them any more. His entire body trembled with horror as his nails unconsciously clawed at the gauze binding his wrists, and he knew he was in no condition to be seen by anyone. Maybe, just maybe, if he slipped in the back doors of the Mess Hall to get his food before his deprived stomach imploded on itself then-


“Daeryeong Kim?”


Heechul froze mid-step and cursed to every god he could think of as he blinked at the man standing in front of him, stack of papers in his hands and face utterly scandalized. Well shit. “Soryeong Lee,” Heechul answered sternly, trying his best to look as if he hadn’t just been going out of his mind. Somehow the medic seemed to buy it.


The younger man’s wide eyes scanned every inch of Heechul’s weary body, making assessments and mental notes on everything he found from the paleness of the Daeryeong’s face to the fresh nail indentations in his palms. If anything, Heechul was in worse condition than he had been the night before, minus the drugged and unconscious parts. The Soryeong cleared his throat quickly and adjusted the papers in his hands before bringing his eyes back to stare straight at his superior, body trembling with guilt and a terror of his own. “I mean this is the most respectful way possible sir,” Eunhyuk began nervously, “but… you look… bad.”  


The brutal retaliation (somewhere along the lines of screaming and threatening and saying something that somehow made him spill his guts about what happened the night before) that Eunhyuk expected for his comment never came. Instead, Heechul just blinked slowly and kept a stone-cold mask over his face. “I know,” he replied flatly, his fists clenching only slightly. “But I certainly hope that’s not all you have to say to me.”


Both men were shocked at just how normal Heechul managed to make his voice sound, only one of them showing it outwardly of course: Heechul resigned himself to a mental “what the fuck” while Eunhyuk’s eyes nearly doubled in size.


“N-no sir,” the medic stuttered. “I have a trainee’s release forms that I was taking to Jungnyeong Park since you’re supposed to still be in the medical ward with Jungnyeong Shi-”


Jungnyeong Park is occupied and I’m fine,” Heechul lied, cutting Eunhyuk off and taking the papers from the medic’s hands. “If I remember correctly, I don’t think you said anything about my injury making me incapable of reading and signing forms.” Eunhyuk’s eyes filled with terror and Heechul raised a skeptical eyebrow at him.


“Um.” His voice was raised and pushed out with much more force than necessary as he burned holes into the papers now in Heechul’s hands. “Actually sir you should really be back in the medical ward and not doing anything because what happened to you last night was really no-”


“I said I’m fine Soryeong Lee,” Heechul ground out. “Tell me what you need done with these and get back to your job.”


“Um, actually… um… if you could… If I could just… have one of those back… I, um… it’s a letter. To my father. Very important medical things. Sooo… if you could just hand me that one on the bottom that would be fantastic.”


Heechul’s skepticism grew thicker as Eunhyuk reached out a trembling hand toward the stack of papers and drew back slightly at the motion. “Is it really?” he asked, eyes narrowed and mind focused solely on the medic’s paling face.


Eunhyuk considered throwing himself in front of a jeep for a second before deciding to speak instead. “Yes sir,” he pushed out.  “It’s has to do with um… the trainee that is being released on medical leave today sir. He was admitted last night and-” 


“Last night?”


At that moment Eunhyuk was certain that his cover had been blown to smithereens. His face became impossibly paler and the hand suspended between them went numb, blood pounding in his ears loud enough to drown out everything else. He and Donghae had gotten so far; there was no way they were going to get caught now. “You must have been asleep when I brought him in sir. I kept him as quiet and far away from you as possible so he wouldn’t wake you.”


Heechul stilled. “Yes. Of course,” he said quietly before shifting his gaze to the unimportant building behind Eunhyuk’s tense form. Suddenly he didn’t feel like talking anymore.


Eunhyuk fidgeted nervously in the tense silence suddenly taking hold of them and tucked the letter away in his pocket, clearing his throat as an unnecessary distraction. “Three of his ribs were cracked when he was injured sir,” he began. “He wouldn’t have been able to train for-”


Heechul’s eyes snapped back to the other man and his sharp words cut Eunhyuk off mid-sentence. “I don’t care,” he bit out. “I’ll sign the forms when I get around to it. Right now I have other things to do, so don’t bother me unless something else has gone wrong with Jungnyeong Shim, understand?”


“But sir I-”


“I said do you understand?”


“SIR YES SIR!” Eunhyuk shouted instinctively, as a hand snapped up to his forehead in a salute he really couldn’t remember why he did. Either way, the Daeryeong seemed pleased by the reaction and left the medic standing alone in the middle of the grounds, still saluting empty air until Heechul was long out of sight.


It didn’t sit well with Heechul though. The younger man was clearly playing an avoidance game while Heechul was trying to hide a few things of his own, and for once the lie wasn’t obviously written on Eunhyuk’s face like they normally were. For the life of him, Heechul couldn’t wrap his mind around the possible answer, but at the time his attention was pulled in too many other directions for him to dwell on it much longer. His feet had unconsciously taken him to the Mess Hall and upon opening the doors, his stomach reminded him of just how long it’d been since he’d last eaten something.


Three days ago when you were with Leeteuk. Before you became weak, he reminded himself bitterly. With a deep sigh and a few smacks to his forehead, Heechul braved the crowd of officers and trainees all the way to the kitchen’s back door.


It was the first time he’d gotten his own lunch in over a year.




Changmin didn’t like being an invalid. He hated it really. The confinements of the medical ward were too small for his liking, and despite the throbbing in every inch of his face, Changmin wanted to be out on the fields training with the rest. His limbs itched for real movement- anything that could get his mind off of Yunho’s visit from last night.


Jealousy had eaten him alive all night long, and Changmin couldn’t get the mental images out of his head even in his sleep. He’d tossed and turned in the stiff bed Eunhyuk imprisoned him to, Yunho doing all kinds of things to Jaejoong in his dreams. Not like it was any better before he’d fallen asleep; a conscious mind could dwell on the idea in ways that a dream would be helpless to rival. Dreams just had solid images to work in their favor.


Changmin hated himself for thinking the way he did toward his best friend, but it was killing him to know that Yunho and Jaejoong had spent the night together, probably in each others arms or… doing other things Changmin really didn’t want to think about.


You did this to yourself, he thought with a sigh. Everything bad in his life was his own fault.


“You’re too nice,” Yunho used to say (almost on a daily basis) but Changmin always laughed it off. People were supposed to be nice, weren’t they?


Changmin huffed another sigh and threw the sheets covering his body to the floor, anger suddenly pulsing in his veins as he stood to pace the room. You better be fucking thankful that I’m this nice Yunho hyung, he thought bitterly. His pacing became rapid- faster and faster, back and forth until he threw himself onto his bed, forcing heated air from the back of his throat through clenched teeth. He needed a distraction, anything to get his mind off of this.


As if a gift from God himself, a familiar piece of paper fluttered next to Changmin’s outstretched hand, beckoning him to just take it. And so, Changmin did just that.


Hurried characters were scrawled out across the page in slightly uneven lines, some characters running together to make unidentifiable words, but Changmin couldn’t think of any handwriting more beautiful.


Dear Umma,


Junsu and I have been drafted into the military, just like you feared we would. I’ve only been here for two days, but it already feels like forever… The officers are not very bad, just odd. Especially Jungnyeong Shim; he has a weird way of doing things around here… Well except there is one other: Soryeong Jung Yunho… He and Jungnyeong Shim had a substitute for what the Daeryeong sentenced me to. I’d much rather not go into details about that since I know you disapprove of the lifestyle I chose. All I’ll say is that he’s a really good kisser. And, well, it’s a little awkward now that I think about it, but he saw me after I took a shower last night… I know you’ll never get to read this no matter how much I wish you could, so I guess holding back on what I say is a little pointless. I just don’t have enough energy to write more right now… I’m not sure if I’m in love but, I definitely feel something that has never been there with other people. This guy, he’s so different. I haven’t known him for more than a few days and, despite you telling me not to jump into things like this so quickly, I honestly believe that I would be lost without him… we still have the physical thing between us, but it’s more than that now. At least it is to me… it hurts to know that you wouldn’t understand even if you were still here. I miss you Umma.


All of my love,



The letter slipped from Changmin’s fingers a little more with every sentence until it finally fell to the floor.

A/N: like i said, it's not very much and it's not very important, but it's something, and i have to split this chapter into a few parts anyway since this is barely the halfway mark
sorry that it sucks some serious ass :/

oh and also, there are parts cut out of the letter signaled by the "..."s
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not sure what this was really

like the title says, i'm in a FREAKISHLY good mood today ((ignore the fact that i failed my math test)) and i am therefor giving you a TRIPLE update :D one chapter from hello, one decently old oneshot, and part one of LETTERS FROM MOTHER FUCKING WAR CHAPTER 20. oh i know, i'm excited too :]

granted, the LFW update isn't very long, nor is it very important, but! it's something. writer's block has been eating me alive for the past few months, but i managed to squeeze the first part of the chapter out and felt like i shouldn't make you wait any longer for it. the hello update will make you all shit birx and possibly shoot me ((*coughthenextfewchaptersareworsecough*)) :] the oneshot is... well it was me in my emo mood, k? the world needs some more fucking HoChul anyway ((yunchul?))

maybe you're asking why i'm in such a good mood? WELLLLL, i got some LFW written, which made me really happy after struggling with it for so long, my depression has gone away, taemin is <3, eunhae have sex on stage in SS3, the first three chapters of hello have broken 1000 hits <33333 ((ch1 has almost hit 2000 ;~;)) and the other three are not far behind the 1000 mark. i wish i could thank every single one of you personally, but... well... that would take me a very long time lol so i'll just say it here: THANK YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU ALL <3

AND now that you've lived through that ^, here is your update :]

Title: Crash
Length: Drabble
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: HeechulxYunho (friendship), implied YunJae and HanChul
Rating: PG-13 for language 
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD movies, not fics
Summary: Heechul knows that everything is falling apart, he just doesn't know how to stop it
Author's Note: it's not my best, but i wrote it to get out of my writer's block and when i was feeling the suju angst

“We’re falling apart too Yunho.”


The leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki (former leader something in the back of his mind hisses at him) doesn’t know how to react to such a strange greeting, but takes a sip of the wine he brought out for his night alone and goes along with it anyway. “What are you talking about Heechul hyung?” Yunho’s not sure why, but the wine tastes a lot more bitter than he remembered.


He hears a long pause followed by the rustling of sheets before Heechul’s voice comes out again. “Super Junior. We’re falling apart just like you did,” the elder man whispers through the line. He sounds distant, hopeless, defeated, and Yunho decides that he doesn’t like it at all.


“That’s not true Hyung,” Yunho tries to explain. “Have you heard anything about yourselves lately? Your Bonamana and No Other promotions were a huge success, Super Show 3 tickets are sold out for every city, and hell, your fans practically built monuments to Lady Hee Hee. I don’t see what you could possibly be-”


“I don’t give a damn about any of that Jung Yunho,” Heechul grinds out amidst a sob Yunho’s only heard very few times before. “If we’re doing so fine, why the hell is Hankyung off being a fucking super star on his own in fucking China without us? Why the hell is Youngwoon off saving the world while we’re dancing around in women’s clothing and vegetable suits? And where the fuck is Kibummie, huh? That’s the kind of stuff that matters Yunho, and none of it is right.” The elder man’s ranting was littered with sniffs and choked out words, and Yunho just knew that Heechul’s bedroom floor was probably littered with bottles of Hangeng’s favorite brand of soju. “I hate this Yunho… I really fucking hate this…”


Yunho gripped his cell phone tighter and found that he couldn’t even look at his wine any more (something in the back of his mind told him that it was Jaejoong’s favorite too.) He wants to say he’s sorry for something that isn’t his fault- wants to be the one to ease his hyung’s pain when he knows it isn’t his place.


All he can do is offer a soft “I know,” and listen to Heechul’s sobs until the sun starts to rise again and the only thing coming from the other line is the deep breathing of something too broken for him to ever repair.


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good mood for me means updates for you :]

like the title says, i'm in a FREAKISHLY good mood today ((ignore the fact that i failed my math test)) and i am therefor giving you a TRIPLE update :D one chapter from hello, one decently old oneshot, and part one of LETTERS FROM MOTHER FUCKING WAR CHAPTER 20. oh i know, i'm excited too :]

granted, the LFW update isn't very long, nor is it very important, but! it's something. writer's block has been eating me alive for the past few months, but i managed to squeeze the first part of the chapter out and felt like i shouldn't make you wait any longer for it. the hello update will make you all shit birx and possibly shoot me ((*coughthenextfewchaptersareworsecough*)) :] the oneshot is... well it was me in my emo mood, k? the world needs some more fucking HoChul anyway ((yunchul?))

maybe you're asking why i'm in such a good mood? WELLLLL, i got some LFW written, which made me really happy after struggling with it for so long, my depression has gone away, taemin is <3, eunhae have sex on stage in SS3, the first three chapters of hello have broken 1000 hits <33333 ((ch1 has almost hit 2000 ;~;)) and the other three are not far behind the 1000 mark. i wish i could thank every single one of you personally, but... well... that would take me a very long time lol so i'll just say it here: THANK YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU ALL <3

AND now that you've lived through that ^, here is your update :]

Title: Hello
Length: [7/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6}

On a normal day, it only takes me about 10 minutes to get to the hospital from my office, but today it was a good half hour before I finally showed up at Heechul’s door. Somewhere between the highway and Gareul street, guilt came rushing at me, crushing my body as if I’d been hit by a truck. Really, I hadn’t originally planned on driving in circles around the hospital until it lessened enough for me to breathe (actually I didn’t plan on it hitting me at all) but it happened, and my hands were still shaking by the time I checked in at the front desk and made my way to Heechul’s room.


He was no longer sedated when I finally found the nerve to go in, but the room was still unnervingly quiet. I’m not entirely sure what I expected, I just knew that I probably wouldn’t be prepared anyway and accepted it, (Heechul was a pretty unpredictable person after all) but the room being absolutely silent would have been far from my guessing range.


Siwon had fallen asleep in the chair beside Heechul’s bed, pocket-sized Bible in hand and looking every bit as suave as when I’d first seen him despite being stuck here for 5 days. Heechul on the other hand, had never looked worse. His bright orange hair had faded and his eyes were sullen, staring straight ahead of him and accented with dark circles. My guess: he had been sitting straight up like that for hours, if not the entire day, and he probably hadn’t slept for even longer.


I swallowed hard to find my voice, clearing my throat a few times to get it right. “Heechul-shii?” I called softly, but he did nothing. My throat went completely dry and I closed the door behind me, taking nervous steps toward my patient. He briefly flexed his hand as I came closer, and only then did I notice the open notebook in his lap and pen loosely grasped in his left hand. A few characters had already been written on the page, so I took it as a good sign that Heechul was making an effort to speak again. This was good.


“I came by to drop off your medication and to see how you’re doing,” I started with renewed strength. “The nurse up front told me that you should be going home soon.”


He stayed frozen for a few moments, but just as I had hoped, Heechul soon tightened his grip on the pen and began to scribble characters on the page. I’d convinced myself that this was good too… until I saw what exactly he had written.


“I MISS HANGENG.” Plain, simple, and just enough to make me want to throw myself out the window. I could understand why he’d said it; people who have long-term hallucinations usually are upset when that familiarity is suddenly ripped away from them (especially when they become as attached to their hallucination as Heechul had become to Hangeng,) but it didn’t make me hate it any less. On top of that, he began to write more as I was thinking about it, and the new words made the window dive a very serious temptation.




My mouth dropped to say words I didn’t have, lips twitching slightly without sound. Fortunately for me, Siwon chose that moment to wake up and divert our attention. “Oh, Dr. Jung,” he mumbled, stretching out in the little space he had and snapping back to look completely perfect, as if he hadn’t just been sleeping in a hospital chair for five days. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were coming here today. Is there something wrong Doctor?”


Grateful for the interruption, I waved him off with a smile and shook my head. “No no, everything’s fine. I just came to drop off Heechul-shii’s medication,” I said quickly. “I have to get back to the office before my other patients come in. Sorry for bothering you.”


I tried to bow and leave, but Siwon seemed to have other plans for me. The man jumped to his feet and waved his hands between us, eyebrows sky-high and head shaking. “No, I’m glad you came!” he cut in. “I really wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for us Dr. Jung. I know Heechul doesn’t normally show his appreciation and the events of this week have been a bit hectic but… you should know that what you’ve done for him is truly a blessing from God. I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am for giving Heechul your absolute best and caring so much about him. I just… thank you.” Siwon took my hand in both of his and bowed deeply to me, head down and body bent at the waist. I’d never felt a stronger need to throw up in my life.


Unlike the trip to the hospital, I sped the entire way back to my office and flew out of my car to puke just outside my office. Never before have I had that kind of reaction to an encounter with a patient (even in my most repulsing cases) and I pray that it never has to happen again… for my own good and for that of my patient. Not only does the feeling suck worse than anything I’ve ever experienced, but it would also mean that I’ve failed a patient as badly as I have failed Heechul.


Still, somehow I managed to pull myself together before anyone noticed me outside, but the taste of bile stayed in the back of my throat for long after and reached its worst when I walked inside.


Jaejoong was sitting on the floor across from Hyori’s desk, shaking uncontrollably and pulling at his jacket sleeves as tears streamed down his face. His lips were bleeding and three blood-red roses sat at his feet.


I wanted more than anything to turn and throw up again, but I knew I couldn’t let Jaejoong see me like that; I’d done enough damage to my patients today as it was. Instead, I called out to him as softly as I could while still letting him hear me.


And immediately wished I hadn’t.


Two horribly blood-shot doe eyes looked up at me through a curtain of black silk, their owner falling quiet aside from deep, trembling breaths. He must have been like that for well over half an hour.


“He got here right after you left Dr. Jung,” Hyori said quickly, answering my unasked question. “I tried to call you but you never picked up. He wouldn’t let me get near him so I-”


I cut Hyori off with a sharp wave of my hand. “Go outside for while I get him calmed down,” I ordered.


Jaejoong was staring at me now, his eyes wide and filled with something I’d never seen from him. Thankfully Hyori left without question, but now that Jaejoong and I were completely alone, I didn’t know what to do. His sobbing had stopped but tears still rolled down his face in heavy trails, his breath still catching in choked gasps. All I could think to do was close my eyes, wipe his tears away as gently as I could, and thank God that he didn’t flinch away from me as I pulled him into my arms.


Instead his thin hands clamped onto my wrists and made sure my hands didn’t leave his skin. “You said you would be here,” he whimpered as his hands tightened on my arms. “I was… I wanted to… Why did you leave me with her?”


“I’m sorry Jaejoong,” was all I could say- over and over again as I held him, and eventually he started to relax into my touch. His face found a hiding spot in the crook of my neck and stayed there, warm drops of water splattering on the black fabric of my shirt with every tear that fell from his eyes. “I’m so sorry…”


Five minutes later, I’d carried Jaejoong into my office and closed the door behind us before lying down on my couch, Jaejoong still in my arms but tears no longer being shed. His damp eyelashes fluttered against my neck every time he blinked, and it was driving me crazy.


My heart ached from everything I’d put him through today, the pressure building with every soft puff of air that fanned out on my skin. I knew I’d messed up again… but this time it hurt. Jaejoong crying on my shoulder, the way he still came to me for comfort… everything just hurt, and I knew I needed a way out of it.


I threaded my fingers through Jaejoong’s hair as if asking permission to speak and took him snuggling closer to me as a yes. “Why did you bring roses here Jaejoong?” I asked softly. My words felt like glass shattering against the silence we had created, and honestly, I was terrified. There were so many other things I should have asked Jaejoong, but that was the only thing that came out, uncertain and nothing like what he needed from me. I was just glad he answered.


“They were for you,” he breathed out. The whisper felt like silk against my skin and his fingers skimmed light trails along my arms, teasing almost and making a shiver race through every nerve in my body like only he could do. “It’s Valentine’s Day.”


February fourteenth: Valentine’s Day. Jaejoong brought me roses on Valentines Day.


Before the thought could fully set in my mind, Jaejoong’s head fall limp against my shoulder and his grip on my arm loosened. Soft words spilled from his lips that no longer brushed against my neck, and I was almost sad for the loss. “If you didn’t want to see me that’s okay,” he said quietly. “I would want to spend it with someone else too.”


Jaejoong didn’t say anything else for the entire hour I was with him. Despite all my efforts to reassure him that yes, in fact I did want to be with him on Valentine’s Day, he kept his face pressed into my neck and his lips sealed. What exactly was keeping him silent I still haven’t figured out, but I’m determined to get the answer out of him tomorrow.


February 15, 2003

Entry Sixty-Eight


Jaejoong didn’t come today.


February 16, 2003

Entry Sixty-Nine


My dreams were ridden with all kinds of terrible nightmares and I couldn’t find anything to get my mind off of them.


I think I’ve started to hate not working on Sundays.


February 17, 2003

Entry Seventy


Jaejoong still didn’t come in today, but I did make a few decisions in the free time I had. Well, more like came up with ideas and will make decisions based on how those ideas play out. There are things that I’ve been neglecting to do for Jaejoong’s treatment (as I’ve reminded myself several times already,) and I realize that there are still many crucial bits of information I haven’t gathered from Jaejoong that I need in order to properly treat him both therapeutically and with medication. When (if) he decides to come back, I’ll be ready for it. Screwing around with him isn’t going to help either of us, and all I’ve done so far is waste our time. From now on, things are going to be different, and I mean it this time.


It’s not going to be anything dramatic really- just a few simple methods of getting answers from both Jaejoong and the people he comes into daily contact with. Although what I’m allowed to ask others aside from Jaejoong is limited and my time with them has to be minimal, outside information has helped me a lot with other patients before and I’m hoping it will do the same for him. My more direct method has to do with Jaejoong himself though. Um… obviously? God, what am I rambling about?


Anyway, a typical part of schizophrenia is having trouble with the “action/reward” system in a patient’s brain, and I’ve realized that I have a slight advantage in this area in Jaejoong’s case: he does something that shows that he’s making progress or gives me information I need to help him, I give him a reward. It’s going to be a bit risky and test pretty much every limit of my self control, but it’s also one of the most psychiatrically relevant things I’ve done with Jaejoong since he started coming to me a little over a month ago.


Honestly, I just hope this will work out.


February 18, 2003

Entry Seventy-One


“Mrs. Kim, tell me about your son.”


The woman sitting in my office blinked up at me, her dark brown eyes shining despite the pain that obviously hid behind them. “What would you like me to say?” she asked slowly.


“Anything that comes to your mind. His life before you adopted him, after you adopted him, things you like or dislike about him… anything.”


I watched Jaejoong’s mother carefully as she seemed to think about what exactly she wanted to say. After such a long contemplation, I honestly didn’t expect her to say anything important, but I was wrong.


“He was abused and abandoned as a child,” she said flatly. Her eyes were dead and hollow after the confession, her thin hands tightly clasped together until they practically turned white from the strain of keeping them there. “My husband and I didn’t really know what we were getting in to when we took Jaejoong in. He was always so quiet… We weren’t even sure he could speak at all until a month after we adopted him. But his smile- oh God his smile could make the angels cry. I think I’ve only seen it twice, but I remember it perfectly. It’s beautiful Dr. Jung.” The woman’s eyes glazed over for a second before snapping back to normal, her head shaking slightly as if to get herself back on track. “He never played with any other children, never played with toys, never took an interest in anything at school. He would just… stare. All the time. But he never looked anyone in the eye. We asked his social worker about it once, but she said it was normal for a child in his situation to act that way for the first few years of being taken to a new home.


“After that, we didn’t think anything of it until Jaejoong told us that he was seeing things that didn’t exist… hearing people that weren’t there. He started running away all the time too, sometimes for days. He would always come back fine though- or at least as fine as he could be- and act as though nothing had happened.” A sad smile tilted the corner of the woman’s lips for a moment and she seemed even more lost with each passing second of silence after her words.


“Is that why you weren’t bothered when I told you he was missing?” I prompted, to which she slowly nodded.


“I’ve gotten used to it,” she said simply. “It started when he was eleven. That was when my husband left us too; he said he couldn’t take Jaejoong anymore, so he left. I’m not sure Jaejoong even noticed. The only thing that changed in him was that he stopped making sense sometimes, and it just kept getting worse.”


Her words stopped again, but my pen continued to scribble across the pages in my notebook. There were so many more things that I could use with this new information I couldn’t write fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. “Mrs. Kim, is there any history of mental illness in Jaejoong’s biological family that you know of? Specifically schizophrenia?”


Unexpectedly, my question made her face turn horribly pale. “Is that what’s wrong with him?” she whispered.


I spared her a glance up from my notes but kept my face blank. “Since Jaejoong turned eighteen I am no longer able to disclose that information to you without his consent Ms. Kim. I’m sorry.”


I thought for sure that my words would upset her, but her face and hands surprisingly relaxed. She nodded slowly and caught her bottom lip between her teeth for a moment before speaking again. “He’s terrified of mirrors you know,” she said softly, almost as if she were telling me a secret. “I used to buy them for him all the time when he was little. He was such a pretty child… I thought he would want to see that, but every time he saw one he would cry for hours. I just don’t understand. By the time he was twelve I couldn’t let him go near them or he would start screaming and hitting himself over and over. I honestly think he hates himself Dr. Jung. I don’t understand why, but I think that he does.”


My pen halted at her last statement and my chest tightened badly enough to hurt. “You said that he was abused, correct?” I said as flatly as I could manage.


She nodded. “Yes. By his father.”


“What kind of abuse?”


She blinked at me for a while before answering. “I’m… not entirely sure,” she said slowly. “Jaejoong never said a word about it to anyone, and the only evidence they found were bruises all over his body. If anything beyond the… the physical abuse happened… Jaejoong has completely blocked it out of his mind. We’ll never know about it.”


I hummed in thought and scribbled some more. “Did his mother have any part in the abuse?”


“She ignored it. Ignored him. The case workers were unsure, but they said that it was unlikely that she paid him any attention at all.” Jaejoong’s adoptive mother shifted nervously in her seat after she’d spoken, and her eyes were flickering from one object in my office to the next at light speed. “How much longer is this going to take Dr. Jung? I really have to be somewhere i-”


“Not much longer Mrs. Kim,” I assured. “I just need to ask you a few more questions and we’ll be done.”


She didn’t seem to like my answer much, but nodded anyway, undoubtedly repeating the words in her head.


Again my pen started working. This was it: the final few questions that would get me almost exactly where I wanted to be with this meeting, and judging from the building cloud of tension surrounding Jaejoong’s mother, it wouldn’t be much longer at all. I let loose a ghost of a smile despite myself. “Have you noticed anything unusual or any changes in Jaejoong’s sleeping patterns in the past few years?” I asked, finally taking my eyes away from my notepad to look at her while she answered.


“He doesn’t sleep sometimes,” she said thoughtfully. “I know he has nightmares a lot, but I don’t think that’s the only thing that makes him do it. He… just has issues. Of course, he wouldn’t need you if he didn’t, but I mean he has issues with going to sleep some nights.”


As vague of an answer as that was, it was more than enough to get what I wanted out of this whole meeting. His mother’s fidgeting slowly smoothed out as I brushed my bangs from my eyes and gave her a leveled look. She widened her eyes slightly, but nothing more. “Does that mean anything?” she asked quietly.


I hummed in attempt to keep down my smile and wrote a few more words in my notebook before responding in the most indifferent tone I could manage. “Would you mind if Jaejoong stayed with a professional for a few days when he returns Mrs. Kim?” I offered instead of giving her a real answer. “I’d like to monitor Jaejoong’s sleeping patterns for myself if you don’t mind.”


“Yes!” she answered much too quickly, clearing her throat when she seemed to notice it too. “That would be fine Dr. Jung. Anything that can help him.”


“I assure you that it will be a big help,” I said with a hint of my smile breaking through. “All I need for you to do is contact me when he returns home and bring him here for his normal appointment time the next day. After that, I’ll need him here by 6:00pm every night for about a week. If there are any problems, please let my secretary know and we’ll be sure to arrange transportation for him. Thank you for your time Mrs. Kim.”


We both rose to our feet and I bowed deeply to Jaejoong’s mother as she left, partly to show respect and partly to let my burning cheek muscles finally have their way.

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Hello chapter 6

alright, so, realistically, i'm not going to have chapter 20 done by the 20th, and i won't be able to post for the next few days, so here! have the next chapter of Hello instead of killing me :] it'll be better for your soul and your criminal record <3

Title: Hello
Length: [6/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5}

February 13, 2003

Entry Sixty-Four


I spent the rest of the evening covering every mirror and reflective surface in my house for when Jaejoong woke up. I never realized I had so many; it took me nearly two hours to cover everything, and by the time I finished Jaejoong had already woken up.


I entered my room to put away an unused sheet and saw him sitting up in my bed, rubbing his eyes and shaking.


“Where am I?” he whispered almost silently.


“You’re at my house Jaejoong,” I said, my voice sounding like thunder after his soft words. “Do you know how you got here?”


He shook his head and a tear fell from his eyes. “No,” he whimpered. “I don’t want to go home Yunho. Please don’t make me go home.”


I cautiously moved to sit beside him, hesitated before putting my hand on his face. “I won’t Jaejoong. Not right now,” I said as I stroked his cheek. “Tell me why you left and I’ll do whatever I can for you.”


The young boy’s eyes widened in horror at words I never said. “NO!!” he screamed. “Don’t send me back! Don’t make me go back! NO! NO! NO!” Once again Jaejoong’s hands were tightly pressed over his ears, his arms trapping me at an awkward angle beside him. I couldn’t do anything but lean forward and kiss him.


It was a viciously stupid thing to do; given the state that Jaejoong was in, he could have easily bitten or hit me without knowing the difference. I should have cared more.


Thankfully, neither of those things happened. Instead, he just froze under my touch. I was terrified that he would pull away from me, but he gradually relaxed into the kiss, slowly wrapping his arms around my neck before pulling me down on top of him. I let it go much further than I should have. Before I knew it my hands were caressing every bit of his pale skin I could reach, brushing all of it with light fingertips. That was the first time I noticed the bruises.


“What happened here?” I whispered as I kissed each one. He didn’t flinch like I expected.


“I tried to fix it,” he whispered as I kissed the dark bruises on his shoulders.


“Fix what?”


“Being ugly. I tried to make it better.”


My movements slowed. “Who told you that?” I asked bitterly.


“Umma. You too. You said I needed to be fixed, so I tried to help. I think I made it worse.” His forehead creased with worry. “Do you still like me?” he whispered.


My lips pressed against another dark stain. “Yes, I like you a lot.” I left one last kiss on his skin before pulling him up against my chest. “You’re beautiful Jaejoong. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Not you Umma, not Xiah, not Micky, not Choikang…”


“What about U-know?”


I wanted to look down at him but his doe eyes were wide open- vulnerable, beautiful. “We would never say that.”


February 14, 2003

Entry Sixty-Five


We did nothing more than kiss last night, but I dreamt about it while I slept on my couch. Thankfully I woke up and had already taken a cold shower by the time Jaejoong opened his eyes. I still don’t know what to do with him. I never found out why he was so adamant about not going home or why he ran away in the first place; he never told me and I never asked (I figured that could come later) and sending him home without getting that information could prove to be a huge mistake. Granted, schizophrenics aren’t credited for thinking rationally…


Still. I don’t know what to do with him. I can’t leave him here- Lord knows what he might do if he’s left alone in an unfamiliar place for an entire day- but I can’t exactly take him to work with me. I should call his mother. Actually, I should talk to him first. I will when I figure out what to say.


February 14, 2003

Entry Sixty-Six


I ended up taking him to work with me after calling his mother. She was insanely grateful that I’d found him, but Jaejoong was not so when I told him that I’d called her. I found out why.


“You should grab your clothes Jaejoong; we’re leaving in five minutes.”


Jaejoong raised his wide-eyed gaze from the breakfast I’d made him (and he’d done no more than play with.) “Leaving?” he panicked. “Leaving to go where?”


“My office. I called your Umma and she said she would pick you up there and bring you back later for your appointment.”


The plastic fork I’d given him clattered to the floor. “What?”


I sighed and pulled up a chair beside him, closing my eyes so I could get closer. “You can’t stay here Jaejoong,” I explained. “I have to go to work.”


“Why can’t you stay here with me?”


“I have other patients; they need me just as much as you do.”


My hand was suddenly locked in a death grip. “I need you more! Please don’t leave me. Don’t make me go back.”


“Tell me why and I’ll consider it,” I said carefully as I tried in vain to slip my hand out of his hold. “Can you close your eyes for me? I want to see you.”


“Will you let me stay if I do?”


“Maybe. Tell you what: I have the appointment right before yours open for a few days. If you want, you can tell your Umma to bring you in early and you can have both spots for a while.” I wish I could have seen his face light up.




I nodded, smiling despite myself. “An entire extra hour just for you.”


A weight slammed against my chest and two thin arms wrapped around my waist as soon as the words left my mouth. “Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou,” Jaejoong chanted against me, his words muffled slightly by my clothes.


Again I smiled and wrapped my arms around him in return. “Remember your end of this,” I chided softly as he freed his face. I wanted to look into his eyes… to gaze into the gateway of his soul and finally unlock the secrets of his mind. There was so much about him I didn’t know that I wish I did- that I’m not sure he can ever tell me. But he tries. I know he does.


His teeth captured his bottom lip and chewed nervously, uncertain eyes downcast and away from danger. “They told me… they told me he was coming back,” Jaejoong muttered. As soon as the words were in the air, he tried to bury his face in my chest, but I wouldn’t let him.


I took a gentle hold on his shoulders and pushed him back. “Who’s coming back?” I asked gently.


Jaejoong took a trembling breath. “He is.”


“Who is he?”


“He is!”


I sighed lightly and decided that would get me nowhere. “Do you see him?” I asked as I began to run my fingers through his hair. I hadn’t realized I’d done it until much later.


“Yes. Especially in your office. He’s in mirrors you know. He can see me then.” Jaejoong’s body resumed its shaking and he clenched a fist in my shirt. “I don’t like him Yunho… They don’t like him either. He… he…”


“He what?”


“Don’t make me go back. Please don’t make me go back.”


Our voices rose with every word spoke- more clipped, demanding. “Tell me what he does Jaejoong.”


“He knows…”


“Knows what?”




“What about you?”


“I’m terrible! Horrible child! Ugly, ugly, horrible child!” Like clockwork, Jaejoong began hitting his own shoulders, beating himself with tightly closed eyes. “Fix it fix it fix it!”


“Jaejoong what are you-”


“Horrible, horrible, horrible. Disgusting little thing!” His hits grew harder, his mutterings more incoherent.


I desperately tried to grab his wrists, but he kept slipping out of my hold. “Jaejoong stop it! Stop hurting yourself! Jaejoong!”


New bruises had already begun to blossom on his delicate skin both from his personal assault and the strong hold I finally got on his wrists. I pleaded with him to stop but it was as if I didn’t exist; he heard nothing besides the voices in his head telling him all those ridiculous lies…

Somehow I managed to stop his movements completely, and his chanting came to a slow end not long after. I held him close to me and whispered sweet nothings in his ear that really meant everything to me. I didn’t lie to him once. “Just talk to me Jaejoong. Don’t hurt yourself, just talk to me. You’re beautiful. So, so beautiful.”


“They don’t believe you…” he whispered.


“The only thing that matters is if you believe me. Do you?” I let go of his stilled arms, instead moving to caress his face when I thought it was safe. “Just talk to me.”


He sniffed. “Are you going to make me go back?” he asked softly.


My heart screamed no while my head said yes. I wished more than anything that I could keep him here, keep him with me so he wouldn’t have to live in this strange fear… but there was nothing I could do. Keeping him at my house would be far beyond scandalous- illegal even if his mother decided to press charges on me. That, and if he stayed with me for another night… I’m not sure I would be able to resist the temptation any longer. Him being here… with me… and no one to stop us from doing anything we want… anything I want… it’s terrifying. I couldn’t let it go on. I told myself that I wouldn’t let my desire for him consume me anymore, wouldn’t let it distract me anymore. I have to be Dr. Jung Yunho M.D. first-rate psychiatrist, not some love-sick teenager who can’t keep it in his pants.  


Somehow I managed to regain myself enough to start speaking again, and a new determination rested itself over me. “I’ll see what I can do Jaejoong,” I said with a deep, steadying sigh. “But you have to be perfectly clear with me why you can’t go home. If I don’t understand I can’t help you.”


“He’s coming back there!” he practically screamed at me.


“I know, but you said that you see him in other places too. My office even, right? So you can probably see him here too. How is seeing him in your home any different than seeing him at mine?”


I breathed harshly against Jaejoong’s face, my hands unconsciously gripping his shoulders as his eyes snapped open and stared blankly at the top button of my shirt. “They don’t know what you do,” he said, his voice completely dazed.


I could only blink at him and loosen my grip on his shoulders. “What do I do?” I asked slowly, my hand unconsciously sliding up to his neck and playing with his silky hair.


“He doesn’t like you. He knows you’ll protect me. He knows you won’t let him hurt me. He stays behind your tree a lot and waits. I don’t know what he’s waiting for. He just is, and he won’t do it when you’re there.” His blank stare softened with a dull, masked fear I’d never seen in him before. He was so far gone from me, so damn far and I didn’t have the slightest idea what to say to him or what to do. He believes that I protect him from something that doesn’t even exist, something that only he can see… How am I supposed to do anything about that?


You’re a fucking psychiatrist Yunho. That’s how. Do your damn job some time.


“He doesn’t exist Jaejoong. Whoever he is, it’s all in your imagination. He can’t really hurt you,” I said, leaning down again to kiss the new bruises forming on his shoulders. “You’re just as safe at home as you are here.”


Jaejoong’s face burst back into expression. “No!” he cried.


“It is Jaejoong. I promise.”


His heated breath burned against my neck as I continued with the light kisses, his grip on my shirt becoming deathly tight. I knew I would have to iron it again before I went into the office, but Jaejoong didn’t notice at all. His mind was wandering around in a far-off place where no one else could reach him; lost, alone and terrified.


He took a deep shaking breath before speaking to me again in his snow dusted voice. “Will you protect me if I go back?” he whispered.


A strangled sigh left my lips and I brought our faces together, my eyes closed and hands trembling more than I want to admit. I wanted to be certain that I could do anything he wanted me to. I wanted so much…


“I’ll protect you no matter what Jaejoong. I promise.”


February 14, 2003

Entry Sixty-Seven


I don’t know why I didn’t expect Jaejoong to show up for Heechul’s session like I’d told him to, but as soon as Kibum left this morning I found myself walking out of my office to talk with my secretary.


Things between her and I are… slightly complicated. She’s a gorgeous woman, no doubt about that. Long, flowing brown hair framed her small face and brushed against her flawless skin, her thin frame emanating nothing but grace and beauty… I couldn’t help being attracted to her.


I ended up asking her out after two years of shameless flirting with each other on and off during the day in between patients, and she agreed with little thought. In truth, we didn’t act much differently while we were a couple though; the only addition to our existing relationship was an occasional make out session or a little bit of groping when we felt really adventurous. It’s not like we didn’t want to go farther- because believe me, I did- we were just always so exhausted from the endless amounts of work we workaholics seemed to thrust upon ourselves. She dealt with paperwork, scheduling, and phone calls all day long while I spoke to the mentally insane… Trust me, it’s tiring.


There was only one time that I invited her to my house after work one night, and we wound up falling asleep almost immediately after we ate dinner together. No cuddling, no sex, no deep conversation. I think we lasted for about a month (maybe not even that) but the mutual agreement to break up made everything go back to how it was before, almost as if nothing had happened at all- still flirting like highschoolers and still speaking like good friends. It’s a good thing too; I’m not sure what I would have done if I’d lost the best secretary anyone could ever have over something stupid like post-relationship awkwardness.


Back to the situation at hand, I guess I wasn’t really thinking much as I watched Kibum walk out the door. Okay, so I wasn’t even really watching him, I was just following him out to the lobby where my secretary was seated doing something I assumed to be work, but still. The point is that I wasn’t preparing for Jaejoong to come like I should have been.


Before I actually realized what I was doing, I had leaned up against her desk with a charming smile, elbows on the wooden surface and cheek resting in my hand.


“Good morning Yunho-shii,” she said without looking up from her work. “Heechul-shii still isn’t here yet, but h-”


“I know,” I cut in, keeping my smile in place to hide the guilt trying to wreak havoc in my chest. “I don’t expect him to be here for another few days. Did you tell Donghae-shii to send his medications to the hospital?”


Curtains of auburn fluttered around my secretary’s face as she shook her head lightly. “He brought it here this morning just as I got in. I was going to bring it to the hospital on my lunch break but the paperwork’s been piling up. You have a free hour, don’t you Dr. Jung?” Hyori finally looked up at me from her work, smiling sweetly and just daring me to say no to her implied request.


So, being the gentleman that I am, I let my smile slip into a smirk and blinked up at her. “Maybe. So what if I do?”


She rolled her chocolate brown eyes and completely turned away from her work to face me. “I’m sure you couldn’t possibly imagine what I’d be asking you for Yunho-shii,” she bit out, a hint of laughter ruining her annoyed façade. “Jaejoong-shii always gets here on time now, so there’s nothing you’d be missing if you helped your poor secretary out a bit, don’t you think?”


Glitter seemed to sparkle in her eyes as she blinked slowly and pouted, and for a fleeting second I wondered why I gave up kissing those plush lips whenever I wanted to. “Aren’t I paying you to do this sort of thing?” I countered.


Hyori scoffed. “That’s what you call it?”


“I pay you well!” I said indignantly as I splayed my hands on her desk and straightened. I pay her just fine. Honest.


“I have yet to buy myself a yacht and my own personal lake Jung Yunho; it’s not enough.” Thin, fabric-clad arms crossed over her chest as she leaned back in her chair, a smug grin twisting her lips and making the pink lip-gloss coating them shine. Somehow Hyori seemed to know what she was doing to me (I didn’t really know what exactly that was myself) and took it up a level by flipping her hair, barely grazing it over my cheek and lowering her voice “Speaking of… You never bought me lunch like you promised me you would a month ago. Changmin-ah always buys me things when he says he will.”


Sparks of anger suddenly flashed behind my eyes at the mention of Dr. Shim’s name. “That man’s crazy,” I bit out. My hands unconsciously balled into fists and my white knuckles contrasted nicely against the dark wood beneath them. “Who the hell does he think he is making doctors waste their time doing patient work? Just because he thinks we’re all going to have a mental breakdown and end up like-”


“Yunho…” Despite the call being soft, it grasped my attention and snapped me back into reality. A deep sorrow, almost like sympathy, shone in Hyori’s now downcast eyes, and I suddenly realized that she was no longer anywhere near me. “Forget I brought it up,” she muttered. “I’ll take Heechul-shii’s medication up to the hospital there as soon as I finish-”


“Don’t worry about it Hyori.”


She blinked up at me and froze. “What?”


“I’ll take Heechul’s medication to the hospital. You deserve a break,” I said with my forced smile back in place and shining at her as if nothing had happened.


“But Yunho I-”


I cut her off with a wink. “I got this Hyori. Be back in half an hour.” She didn’t move to stop me as I left my office and sped to the hospital. 

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as you can see, i still haven't updated letters from war yet ((but i got a new skin :D)) and i said i would. which i meant to... but... well you see, writer's block is a bit of a stalker and it likes to hang around me WAAAAAY too much. i've told it to gtfo, but apparently it doesn't get the message :/ instead, i bring you a oneshot i wrote a while ago as compensation, and if the new chapter isn't up by the 20th, i will post the next chapter to Hello.

i really am sorry, believe me <3 i want this chapter to be done because it's so important but i just CANT MAKE ANYTHING FUCKING SOUND RIGHT AND GTHNADFHPAFUANDFPAF!!!!!!!!! D:< *deep breath* anyway! :D when i do finally get it done, it's goign to be a long chapter so hopefully it'll be worth some of the wait. new character too!! ((and for the record i had his appearance planned about a year and a half ago. so nyeh :P)) anyway, thank you for being patient and not shooting me yet ^^ i love you all and hope i can get chapter 20 up soon OTL <3

Title: Promises 
Length: Drabble
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Eunhae
Rating: PG-13 for very brief mentions of sex
Genre: Angst-ish
Disclaimer:  If i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics
Summary: He promised he wouldn't do this, but now he has and he wishes everything was different 
Author's Note: it's not really all that original, but i just got the inspiration and wrote it on my itouch one night at like.... oh idk, 3 in the morning?

He wasn't sure how this happened really, how he ended up curled in a bed that wasn't his own with Hyukjae's hand gently stroking his smooth thigh as it rested on top of the smaller man like it actually belonged there. The thin fingers played almost lazily with his skin while he watched Hyukjae breathe slowly in and out, the rhythm hypnotic and so many other things he wished he had the words to describe.

There wasn't supposed to be any emotion in this; just sex when they needed a release from everything else. No caring, no gentleness, just sensation because they fucking needed it.

Even with that being the agreement between them, Donghae couldn't stop the warmth spreading through their tangled legs with every stroke of the dancer's fingers, couldn't help the constriction in his chest as he stared at Hyukjae’s calm face in the dark. He wished it could go away just like the aching in his throat from screaming all night long, but every night Hyukjae came to him the feelings would stay longer and longer until he didn't know that there ever was a time when they didn’t exist, or when they didn’t want him to push his limits a bit and believe for even a second that Hyukjae felt them too.

Tonight he wasn't sure he could take it.

The strokes on his thigh kept radiating warmth through his skin, and he really wanted to hope for something he promised they wouldn't have.

"What are we doing?"


"No, I mean us... What are-"

"There is no us."




"Go to sleep Hae… I’m tired."

He left it at that- every night exactly the same. In a few hours he would have to slip out of Hyukjae’s arms and return to his own bed before anyone saw them together, wake up to Hankyung- not Hyukjae- shaking his shoulder and smiling down at him, and they would return to work as if Donghae’s heart wasn’t bleeding every time he looked at the man who was always just arms length away from him.


Really, he wished he didn't need to feel Hyukjae beside him because it was wrong. He wished he didn't want to wake up beside Hyukjae every morning because he knew it would never happen.

He wished he didn't love Hyukjae because he promised that he would never fall in love.

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He Does

oh yes, i'm back from my trip and excited as hell :] i'm sorry i told a few of you that i would be posting yesterday, but my biffle came over and i got distracted <3 anyway! i come back to you with not just ONE, not just a DOUBLE UPDATE, oh no and not even a TRIPLE UPDATE, but i come back bearing FOUR. BRAND. NEW. UPDATES. YES FOUR. that means TWO brand spankin new chapters from Hello,  and two brand new oneshots ((this is the second one)) :] why so many? two things: one, i came back to 23  new comments :D ((yall know who you are and i thank you to no end <3)) and two, i had a LOT of inspiration over my break. i wrote more oneshots actually, but those will come if i get stuck and haven't posted anytihng for a while. anyway, enjoy~ :D 

Title: He Does 
Length: One-shot
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae, JaeMin friendship 
Rating: PG
Genre: Tiny bit of angst and fluff
Disclaimer:  If i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics
Summary: Fights between them are unavoidable, but sometimes they go too far 
Author's Note: Sorry i forgot to post this yesterday ^^;; it was all written on my itouch in the car so... i'm pretty happy at how this turned out :]

It always happened this way; the two of them would fight and afterwards, after all the lights had gone out and the others had gone to bed, Changmin would always crawl into his bed and curl up next to him, kissing his neck and whispering pointless apologies.

Jaejoong didn't understand why this time was any different. All he remembered was that somewhere among the screaming and yelling Changmin had said something that made them all go quiet, instant guilt had appeared on the magnae's face, and the insult wasn't repeated again like they normally were; the fight had ended there and Jaejoong had walked out of the room.

Even now as Yoochun lay in the bed beside him, arm outstretched as if reaching for him, Jaejoong couldn't remember what Changmin had said that made him so angry- angry enough to slap the boy in front of all of them. The only thing that mattered was that Changmin wasn't there to apologize. Or in this case, to be apologized to.

For hours the ceiling held Jaejoong’s aimless gaze, little pictures coming to life in the stupid patterns that all looked strangely like deer being chased and eaten by lions. He couldn't sleep- not until he heard his voice.


The bed finally dipped beside him and Jaejoong felt his heart sting.

"Hyung I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

"I don't care," he answered to the lions as a head rested on his chest and fingers twisted themselves in his shirt.

"I shouldn't have said it. You deserved to hit me," the younger continued as if he hadn't heard. Maybe he didn’t.

"I don't even remember what you said," Jaejoong tried again. It was ignored.

"He does love you hyung. Really, he does."

And then it all came flooding back: the two had been yelling in the kitchen for a good twenty minutes when Junsu got back from visiting his brother, and the other two members were currently trying to break the fighting men up. He stood behind Changmin with Yunho as Jaejoong unleashed another verbal attack on their youngest, face guarded, but no one was prepared for Changmin’s retaliation.

"What the hell are you blaming ME for, huh?? It's not MY fault! He doesn't love you anyway!"

Jaejoong had slapped the magnae then, his hand moving out in fury as the others fell silent around them. He vaguely heard Changmin calling to him afterwards, looking for atonement as Jaejoong stormed off and into his room where he would stay for the rest of the night.

He remembered that he cried, remembered that the other three (including Yunho) had all come to his door in attempt to speak with him, remembered that he drove them all away until Yoochun slipped his way in to sleep for the night. None of that made him hate himself any less.

"I don't care if he loves me or not Changmin," Jaejoong muttered, finally realizing the difference between speaking in his mind and saying things out loud. Changmin gripped his shirt tighter.

"He does hyung. I promise you, he does."

The eldest then found it in himself to lower his gaze from the ceiling, first to Changmin at his side and second to the head of tousled black hair at the foot if his bed. Judging by how much the younger man's mouth and eyes were open and the amount of drool pooled up at his feet, Yunho had probably been there for hours. Jaejoong only got to wonder how he hadn't noticed for a few seconds before Changmin began to speak again.

"He really does love you hyung," the boy repeated softly. "I'm sorry."

Jaejoong said nothing in return, instead choosing to wrap an arm around his dongsaeng and hold the boy close as his foot nudged Yunho’s drooling form away.

He does love you hyung.

He does...

He does...

He does...


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Hello Chapter 5

oh yes, i'm back from my trip and excited as hell :] i'm sorry i told a few of you that i would be posting yesterday, but my biffle came over and i got distracted <3 anyway! i come back to you with not just ONE, not just a DOUBLE UPDATE, oh no and not even a TRIPLE UPDATE, but i come back bearing FOUR. BRAND. NEW. UPDATES. YES FOUR. that means TWO brand spankin new chapters from Hello, ((this is the second one)) and two brand new oneshots :] why so many? two things: one, i came back to 23  new comments :D ((yall know who you are and i thank you to no end <3)) and two, i had a LOT of inspiration over my break. i wrote more oneshots actually, but those will come if i get stuck and haven't posted anytihng for a while. anyway, enjoy~ :D 

Title: Hello
Length: [5/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4}

February 9, 2003

Entry Fifty-Six


I still haven’t finished the cake Jaejoong made me for my birthday. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever tasted in my life, but I can’t eat it all day like I’d want. Shame…


We never talked about what else he did for me that day, but a new light had taken place in Jaejoong ever since; his kisses had more passion, his touches more bold. I loved it. I found my skin yearning for his touch every time I thought of him, my heart beating just a bit faster and my blood focusing where it didn’t need to be. What’s happened to me is obvious; I’ve developed a strong lust for him that I can’t shake, and I’m not really sure that isn’t what I want anymore.


February 9, 2003

Entry Fifty-Seven


I didn’t have time to think or worry about my situation with Jaejoong after I wrote the entry from this morning. No, today I had to worry about Heechul. He hadn’t spoken for days/weeks, and I knew it was my job to fix it… I’ve just been too preoccupied with other things lately. It’s no excuse and it has to change, I know, and I swear it will. If Heechul regresses any more… I can’t let a patient down like that. What I feel for Jaejoong can’t interfere with the well-being of my other patients. Today finally opened my eyes to just how bad it’s gotten while my mind has been on its vacation in Jae-Jae land.


It was Sunday, but I got a call asking me to come into the office. Two men were waiting at the door when I arrived: one I recognized as the man who took Heechul to and from his appointments, the other my bright-haired patient himself. Heechul stared straight ahead and said nothing as the other man bowed deeply and took my hand in both of his, face serious with a hint of a charming smile.


“Thank you so much for coming in today Dr. Jung,” he said with another short bow. “I wish I didn’t have to bother you on a Sunday, but I think Heechul needs you today.”


My eyes scanned over the man’s carefully combed hair and neatly pressed suit, stopping on the Bible under his arm with dozens of post-it notes sticking out. Clearly Sunday would not be his day of choice for this.


“It’s not a problem um… I’m sorry, I don’t think I ever caught your name,” I said with a forced smile.


The man’s eyebrows shot up and he bowed deeply again several times. “Forgive me. I’m Choi Siwon, Heechul’s brother-in-law.”


I didn’t even know Heechul had a sister. I glanced at my patient for any kind of reaction, but his face remained a blank slate. “Did something happen today Siwon-shii?” I asked.


Said man spared a nervous glance at Heechul and caught his lip between his teeth for a brief moment. “Actually… it’s been going on for a few days now,” he answered as I unlocked the doors and led them into my office. Heechul entered first; Siwon caught my arm before I could follow. “There’s something wrong Dr. Jung,” he said, his voice low and serious. “Heechul’s never been like this before. I don’t… His tongue. There’s something wrong with his tongue.”


“I’m a doctor of psychiatry Siwon-shii, not a physician. If he’s having a problem with his tongue I can’t-”


“No, no, he’s doing something to it. I know he is. I just don’t know why.” Siwon drew a shaky breath and ran a hand through his once perfect hair. “I thought it would get better since its Hangeng’s birthday but… if anything, he’s gotten worse. Going to church this morning didn’t seem to help him so… I didn’t know who else to turn to.”


“Do you see Hangeng as well?” I asked slowly, but Siwon shook his head.


“Heechul celebrates his birthday every year, and it’s only two days before mine.” He smiled sadly. “It’s hard to forget.”


Helpless silence filled the space between us, suffocating me and robbing my words. “I’ll see what I can do,” was all I could manage.


Still, Siwon looked incredibly grateful. “Thank you Dr. Jung,” he breathed out. “Thank you so much.”


“It’s nothing. But I’m going to ask that you stay out here while I speak with him. I can’t risk Heechul’s answers changing because of your presence.” Siwon’s face fell at my words but complied all the same. “Hopefully this won’t take long. You can help yourself to the coffee machine,” I added before leaving Siwon behind in the lobby.


With a sigh, I closed my office door and turned to Heechul, smiling lightly at him when he acknowledged my presence. “Good morning Heechul-shii,” I greeted with a forced smile.


No response. The bright red-head just stared straight at me, face blank and jaw unbelievably tense. Tightly balled fists lay at his sides, (trembling with anger or nerves I couldn’t tell) and I don’t think I’ve ever seen eyes so dead.


“Siwon-shii cares a lot about you,” I started lightly as I grabbed my notebook and sat across from Heechul’s still frame.


He did nothing.


Actual notes flew from my pen for the first time in more than the mindless scribbles it had grown accustomed to. It had been so long since I’d had a mind to do work like this… I couldn’t help the slight smile that appeared on my lips at the feeling. “How is your relationship with him?” I asked.


Nothing. So much for the indirect approach…


I sighed, re-crossed my legs. “We’ve noticed that you aren’t yourself anymore Heechul. Siwon is very concerned about you.”


Again nothing. His jaw tightened.


“We want to help you, but he can’t do that unless you tell us what’s wrong.” I let some of my concern leak through to my features and adjusted my glasses. “I’m here to get you through your problems Heechul, so you need to tell me if something is bothering you. I’m perceptive, not a mind reader.”




“Do you want us to help you?”




“Do you trust us?”




A sense of dull frustration pulsed though my veins at his silence, but I willed my expression to remain indifferent. I may have been losing my mind for the past few weeks, but that was no excuse for me to destroy what I’d worked so hard to establish with Heechul; he didn’t deserve that. My lips parted to say something further, and that’s when I saw it.


Heechul’s face had gotten horribly pale, and his thin hands were trembling as his nails dug crescents into his palms. But none of that particularly drew my attention; no- my eyes were drawn to the bright crimson lining the seam of his tightly pressed lips.


“Heechul…” I breathed, rolling to my feet only to kneel in front of him all in the same motion. His eyes followed me. “Heechul open your mouth,” I demanded.


His jaw only tightened, and the first twitch of pain flashed across his face.


A sinking terror settled in my chest; I knew exactly what he was he was doing. “Heechul,” I called again. “Heechul let go of your tongue.”


He just stared.






“Alright then.” I rose to my feet, trying to stay as calm as possible and opened my office door. “Siwon-shii,” I called.


Said man was by my side in an instant, eyebrows scrunched together and coffee left abandoned on the table. I could only pray that he would stay this calm.


“I need you to stay calm and call an ambulance for me,” I said slowly, looking right into the other man’s eyes and willing him to obey me. It was a lost cause.


Siwon’s brows shot up and terror was written all over his expressive face. “Ambulance??” he shouted. “Why? What for? Is something wrong? Is Heechul okay? Are you okay? Am I okay?? What’s going o-”




The frantic man stopped in his tracks and stared at me with wide, fearful eyes. “Yes?”


“You need to calm down, and if you can’t do that please allow me to use your phone. The more time we waste, the worse this is going to get. Do you understand?”


Siwon nodded slowly and fished a cell phone out of his pocket with trembling hands. “Dr. Jung I-”


“Don’t,” I interrupted. “Just stay with Heechul and for God’s sake, please don’t make this worse.”


The ambulance arrived in less than ten minutes, but it was a close call. Tongue biting is one of the slowest (and pretty uncommon for a mobile person) form of suicide, but judging by the excessive bruising on his tongue and the amount of blood he’d already lost, Dr. Myung and I concluded that he’d been at it for days. I just… can’t believe I hadn’t seen it before. What if he was doing it right in front of my eyes for all this time? What if he wanted me to notice before and I was too distracted by other things to acknowledge it? I’m not sure I can ever forgive myself for this… There’s no excuse for letting something like this happen… I just… I’ll write it later after I’ve had more time to think.


February 9, 2003

Entry Fifty-Eight


I’ve made a long-overdue decision: I will no longer let my feelings for Jaejoong distract me from my job. Any of my other patients could be going down the same road without my knowledge, so, starting Monday, I will go back to giving them all my undivided attention.


And if that means taking a hiatus from Jaejoong, so be it.


February 10, 2003

Entry Fifty-Nine


I kept my promise until I saw him. It just got too hard after that.


He flew into my arms the second he walked in and refused to let go. “They don’t like it, they don’t like it,” he muttered over and over against my shoulder as I held him.


“Don’t like what?” I prodded. He held fistfuls of my shirt in his clenched hands, clinging to it as if he would fall at any second. Nothing I asked granted me an answer, so I slowly led him to the couch to calm down… I knew I’d lost then. “Please tell me what’s wrong Jaejoong-ah…” I whispered softly to him. “I want to help you.”


It took almost half an hour of my supplications to convince Jaejoong to stop his chanting and actually speak to me. “They don’t like it,” he said once more. “Micky and Choikang don’t want me to be here.” I involuntarily began to run my fingers through his hair and his grip loosened slightly. “U-know wants me to stay. They don’t but U-know does.”


His whispers pulled at my heartstrings. “Do what you want to do Jaejoong. Don’t listen to them.” The words that came out of my mouth were vastly different from my thoughts (“Listen to U-know! Listen to me Jaejoong!”) but no one else had to know that. I just held him close while he trembled against me, combing my fingers through his hair and chastely dropping soft kisses everywhere I could reach. “You don’t ever have to listen to them Jaejoong…”


I don’t know why it was so easy for him to make me forget everything I’d thought about for the past few days. Just… seeing him makes me want to do anything for him; I can’t deny Jaejoong anything.


February 11, 2003

Entry Sixty


I decided to see Heechul in the hospital after writing my last entry. I thought that maybe seeing him would snap me back into reality and help me follow through with my promise.


He was on high risk-suicide watch and heavily sedated.


February 12, 2003

Entry Sixty-One


Jaejoong isn’t here. His mother hasn’t seen him since yesterday.


February 13, 2003

Entry Sixty-Two


Jaejoong is still missing.


February 13, 2003

Entry Sixty-Three


I’m probably breaking every single rule imaginable, but I couldn’t help it. I don’t think I could have done anything else if I wanted to.


I took a different way home today for some reason; there was no reason for it, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to go to my favorite coffee shop after work. It sounds strange that I would go so far out of my way just for a cup of overpriced coffee from a shop in the middle of nowhere, so I’m not going to assume it was the real reason I took the detour. Regardless, I’m glad I did.


I hadn’t been to Sugar and Spice for about a month, but everything was exactly the same as it had been for two and a half years. Same atmosphere, same décor, same slow business.


“Here’s your coffee Dr. Jung- just how you like it,” the barista behind the counter said with a bright smile. “No cream and four drops of vanilla.”


I bowed slightly and took my drink. “You know me too well Sulli,” I said, returning her smile with only half the sincerity. Sulli was always terribly kind, but I just wasn’t feeling it today; something was off. Despite my coffee being exactly what I wanted, it tasted strangely bitter on my tongue. I thanked her anyway.


“Oh, Dr. Jung? Could you take this outside for me when you go? There’s a boy whose been sitting out there by himself since Tuesday. I don’t think he’s eaten and the poor thing’s probably freezing to death. Yoona tried to get him to come inside but he just started freaking out.”


I didn’t put nearly as much thought into it as I should have.


“You’re a psychiatrist, right?”


I nodded and took a sip of my coffee.


“Maybe you can help him. He’ll get sick if he stays out there any longer. Well, that is if he isn’t sick already.”


I nodded again and took the steaming cup of hot chocolate Sulli offered to me. “Will do,” I assured before making my way toward the door. Why anyone would leave someone outside a coffee shop for two days was beyond me, but I was about to change that. I just didn’t know yet to what extent.


Icy wind assaulted my face the second I opened the door, forcing me to awkwardly balance my drinks and pull my scarf over my nose. Really, it should never be allowed to be this cold. Nevertheless, I ventured out to the side of the small shop with warm fingers and frozen everything else.


That was when I saw him- curled up against the wall and trembling with his hands tightly pressed against his ears, eyes and cheeks kissed a bright red and streaked with shimmering trails. Coffee and hot chocolate splattered the ground at my feet.


Somehow I managed to persuade Jaejoong to let me carry him to my car and wrap him up in my coat, kissing his tear-stained cheeks as he continued to cry. “Close your eyes Jaejoong-ah,” I whispered softly to him. “Cars have a lot of mirrors.”


He did as he was told, curling up into a ball under my black coat and tightly closing his eyes. “Don’t take me home,” he whispered. “Please don’t take me home.”


I didn’t.


So that’s how Jaejoong ended up curled up in my bed wearing nothing but oversized sweatpants and a large wool blanket, his own clothes scattered on my bathroom’s floor and his tears staining my pillow.


A/N: :D alright! so! you're probably thinking "bitch you said four updates so where the HELL is the new chapter of letters from war? *raise pitchfork*" well, put your weapons down for a minute ladies ((and gentlemen.))
there is a LOT going to happen in the new LFW chapter so it's taking me a bit longer to write. most importantly, there's a new character coming in who is going to be extremely important in the long run and just so you know ahead of time, i've had this part and his role planned out for about a year and a half. yall will probably shoot me anyway :] but! expect it within the next two weeks :3 thanks for keeping your patience with me <3

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I Want You to Play a Song for Me

oh yes, i'm back from my trip and excited as hell :] i'm sorry i told a few of you that i would be posting yesterday, but my biffle came over and i got distracted <3 anyway! i come back to you with not just ONE, not just a DOUBLE UPDATE, oh no and not even a TRIPLE UPDATE, but i come back bearing FOUR. BRAND. NEW. UPDATES. YES FOUR. that means TWO brand spankin new chapters from Hello,  and two brand new oneshots ((this is the first one)) :] why so many? two things: one, i came back to 23  new comments :D ((yall know who you are and i thank you to no end <3)) and two, i had a LOT of inspiration over my break. i wrote more oneshots actually, but those will come if i get stuck and haven't posted anytihng for a while. anyway, enjoy~ :D 

Title: I Want You to Play a Song for Me 
Length: One-Shot
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: HenWook 
Rating: PG
Genre: Grab a box of tissues 
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: He knew. They all knew.
Author's Note: Listen to one of these two songs while reading this fic tp get the full affect or the song i had in mind for Henry to be playing

“Henry-ah… I want you to play a song for me.”


Ryeowook is dying; it’s no secret. Everyone knew it, everyone saw it coming, but no one accepted it. Leeteuk cried himself to sleep for days- Zhou Mi weeks- and Henry had never stopped.


“He’s anemic,” the doctor had told them, news to everyone but Ryeowook himself. He knew and never said a word or took necessary treatment. He didn’t want to show them his weakness, show them that his heart wasn’t as strong as everyone always thought it was, but the already sharp planes of his face soon began to cut through his skin and bones made their appearance in all the wrong places. Everyone knew.


He can barely speak or even open his eyes when he calls Henry into his room. Three days tops, and it was still too soon.


(“Play me a song Henli-ah…” the boy says, voice trembling and barely there. He knew it was coming.


Henry takes the other’s hand and caresses it gently. “Will you still be here when I stop?” he asks.


Ryeowook nods and tries to smile. “Of course I will.”)


Ryeowook closes his eyes as Henry draws his bow back, takes a deep breath when the first note is played. He knows.


He keeps playing until his tears blend with the air he’s breathing, rivers of the darkest blue flowing from the strings of his violin to flood the dorm with the agony of his soul.


(Donghae never believed it when Henry told him you can make a violin cry until that day.)


Henry didn’t stop playing. Even when he felt like he was suffocating on the air in his lungs and his fingers would bleed, the river kept flowing and the world kept turning.


(I can never stop. You promised that you would be here. If I stop I’ll never see you again.)


Ryeowook looked at peace in his bed; skin smooth and flawless despite it being drawn too thin, a glimmer of a smile just barely turning up the corner of his lips. Soon the worries of the world would never be able to touch him again.


Henry knew. He didn’t want to know. So his fingers kept moving and the tears kept coming. More and more and more until he didn’t know what to do with himself.


He couldn’t play anymore.


The music stopped, and the only thing left behind were mere echoes lingering in the darkness that surrounded them.


Henry kept breathing, but Ryeowook never opened his eyes.

A/N: shoot me not! i love ryeowook and henry hardcore <3 if it helps, i nearly died writing this thing and listening to 'hear our prayers' and 'grandpa's violin' on repeat for a good 30 minutes. it was awful D:
A/N2: :D alright! so! you're probably thinking "bitch you said four updates so where the HELL is the new chapter of letters from war? *raise pitchfork*" well, put your weapons down for a minute ladies ((and gentlemen.))
there is a LOT going to happen in the new LFW chapter so it's taking me a bit longer to write. most importantly, there's a new character coming in who is going to be extremely important in the long run and just so you know ahead of time, i've had this part and his role planned out for about a year and a half. yall will probably shoot me anyway :] but! expect it within the next two weeks :3 thanks for keeping your patience with me <3

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i'm baaack~

oh yes, i'm back from my trip and excited as hell :] i'm sorry i told a few of you that i would be posting yesterday, but my biffle came over and i got distracted <3 anyway! i come back to you with not just ONE, not just a DOUBLE UPDATE, oh no and not even a TRIPLE UPDATE, but i come back bearing FOUR. BRAND. NEW. UPDATES. YES FOUR. that means TWO brand spankin new chapters from Hello, ((this is the first one)) and two brand new oneshots :] why so many? two things: one, i came back to 23  new comments :D ((yall know who you are and i thank you to no end <3)) and two, i had a LOT of inspiration over my break. i wrote more oneshots actually, but those will come if i get stuck and haven't posted anytihng for a while. anyway, enjoy~ :D 

Title: Hello
Length: [4/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3}

“I don’t think he ever got over it…”


“Doctor says he never will…”


“No one knows why he did it…”


“Just snapped, out of nowhere…”


“Never stood a chance…”




January 30, 2003

Entry Forty


Just as I expected after my late-night epiphany, Jaejoong perked up when he saw that I wasn’t wearing my glasses today. Actually, perked up wouldn’t be the right phrase for it… his hands practically never left my body. They left gentle touches on almost every inch of my skin, and I let it happen; I didn’t want to stop him. After the severe regression I saw in him yesterday I was willing to go along with anything that kept that beautiful smile on his face.


“Micky says that white looks good on you,” Jaejoong said as his hand stroked the white fabric covering my shoulder.


“Do you think it looks good?” My eyes were locked on his bright smile, and I couldn’t find it in myself to care about anything else.


Jaejoong practically sparkled as words pour from his lips. “Yes I like it a lot,” he said smoothly. “I say you look best in black, but they don’t agree with that.”


“Only your opinion matters Jaejoong. You don’t have to listen to them.” See? I can still fit some psychiatric advice into this situation.


But Jaejoong paid no mind to it. Delicate fingers trailed down my thigh before his head took their place. It was a strange thing to look at really. Jaejoong was so fidgety and on-edge yesterday, but now… I couldn’t think of anything that looked more peaceful. A gentle heat seeped through my skin from where his cheek laid against me, and I just watched his eyes blink slowly until they finally came to a close.


“Did you sleep last night?” I asked softly. It was a lot harder then it should have been to stop myself from running my fingers through his hair as he nodded.


“I did,” he answered. “But I stayed up late thinking about you.”


I found out what it felt like to have your heart explode, and my smile stretched so far my cheeks hurt. “Really?” I asked, trying my best and failing not sound like the happiest man alive as he nodded again.


“It was hard though,” he said after a while, causing my smile to falter slightly.


Regardless, I shifted to get Jaejoong’s body closer to mine and wrapped the arm not occupied with his hair around his waist; in return I felt soft lips pressed against my neck. “Do you know why?”


A tongue peaked out to join the lips so light and briefly I though I’d imagined it. “They were arguing,” he whispered after licking his lips. “They said you did it on purpose but U-know wouldn’t believe them. He likes you a lot- like I do.” Jaejoong smiled brightly against my skin, but I was confused.


“What did I do on purpose?”


“Your glasses. You didn’t want to see me yesterday so you wore them. It’s okay though; I wouldn’t want to see me either.”


Jaejoong’s comment left me absolutely speechless for much longer than it should have. So many things I could have said passed through my mind, but none of them ever made it out. “Of course I didn’t wear my glasses on purpose,” “I would never not want to see you Jaejoong,” “Why would you think that?” “I can’t stand it when you’re afraid of me.” Nothing but silence.


All I could do was run my fingers through his hair until he fell asleep in my arms.


February 3, 2003

Entry Forty-Five


I don’t think I’ve ever been more eager to go to work on a Monday before. Sure, I love my job (I love just about everything about it,) but I’ve never wanted to be in the office this much. The reason? I can finally start the process of deciding which medication to prescribe to Jaejoong. I know that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing all along, but now I get to make it official- written analysis, phone calls, structured evaluations, paper work and such. I’ve been seeing him for almost a month now, and his condition is pretty mild, so this should be a piece of cake.


And maybe I’m looking forward to getting a kiss from him today.


February 3, 2003

Entry Forty-Six


I was… shocked when Jaejoong came in today. No, I don’t think shocked was the right word for it. I guess it would be easier just to write what happened.


He looked beautiful. He always does. Lenses of sapphire covered his dark eyes and a light pink dusted his cheeks as he came in, hands secure behind his back and teeth nibbling at his bottom lip. Right away I knew I needed to change all that, no matter how adorable I thought it was. “Is something wrong Jaejoong?” I asked.


He blinked at me a moment before giving an answer, his voice unsteady and quieter than normal. “No, I’m fine. I was just… thinking about you last night and… well… I just thought that… maybe you would… want… this…” My patient hesitated for a second before he slowly brought his hands in front of his body and revealed a small bowl of carefully prepared kimchi.


My eyes widened as he held it out to me and his blush darkened. “It’s not very good but I hope you like it because I spent a long time on it and I tried really hard to get it right but I don’t think it worked even though I made sure that I did everything exactly like I was supposed to and I still don’t think it’s good enough for you so… I’m sorry,” he said in a rush.


My heart fluttered when he put the dish in my hands anyway. “I’m sure it’s delicious Jaejoong,” I said with a smile. I knew cooking was a difficult thing for him to do; just about everything in a kitchen has a reflective surface. If Jaejoong put so much effort into making something for me... Can I write anything other than a smiley face? J “Thank you.” I muttered. A skeptical glint remained in Jaejoong’s eyes, but his lids still closed and he pressed his lips to mine.


The kiss was slow; no tongue, no groping, no anything. He laced his fingers through mine and just stayed there like nothing else existed. I didn’t stop him. I didn’t want to.


I didn’t care that anyone could walk into my office at any second and see us together, or that I shouldn’t have been kissing him in the first place. I just wanted him to stay there and for our lips to never part. His soft lips seemed to mold into the frame that was my own, and I swear I got a taste of what heaven is like. We’d kissed several times before, but this was just… indescribable.


I don’t remember when it happened, but soon the kimchi in my hand was gone and my arm made itself at home around Jaejoong’s slender waist, caressing his side without a care in the world. I could feel him smile against my lips just before we parted, and it lingered long after even though I stayed too close for him to open his eyes.


“You’re beautiful,” I breathed against his skin, my forehead falling forward to gently bump into his. It felt like I needed to say that to him; that maybe if I said it enough he would believe me. Jaejoong was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life and I wanted him to know it.


February 4, 2003

Entry Forty-Seven


I woke up this morning with a massive cramp in my right arm and a pen stuck to my cheek. Despite having only fifteen minutes to get ready, I made absolute certain that I put my contacts in and, for once in a very long time, I took extra care into looking good today. Jaejoong deserved at least that much from me.


February 6, 2003

Entry Fifty-One


I couldn’t possibly describe how I feel right now. Jaejoong just left. I’m alone in my office. I can’t stop smiling.


Every day brings a new opportunity for him to leave me speechless, and he takes it right up as if he’d always known he could. Of course I’m not complaining… I’ve come to terms with our situation and decided that as long as I don’t let it escalate too far, and as long as no one else finds out about this, I can let him be with me for now. It’s a risky and dangerous and probably crazy move, but I can’t deny what I feel towards Jaejoong anymore. He makes my heart shudder in ways that no other person (especially no woman) ever has. Just his smile turns up the corner of my own mouth. It’s so strange how… without any permission at all… Jaejoong has stolen my heart and become the center of my life.


The first thing I smiled at all day was when Jaejoong walked in to my office, slender hands once again held behind his back and bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Don’t listen. It won’t be very good,” I barely heard him mutter, the door finally closed behind him. He shifted on his feet slightly and shot a quick glance to the corner of my office. “They told me not to do it so I thought… if you don’t hear me, it might be okay.”


I cocked my head slightly. “Listen to what?” I asked.


Jaejoong furiously shook his head. “Just don’t listen.”


The corner of my lips turned up into a playful smile and I nodded. “Okay,” I said slowly. Let me be honest for a second; when someone tells you not to do something, it’s human nature for you to only want it more and often do it anyway just because they brought it to your attention. Well, believe it or not, I am in fact human, so my ears automatically sought out the sound of Jaejoong’s voice.


He spoke so quietly. “Close your eyes,” he ordered.




My world was thrown into darkness, but I heard the ruffle of Jaejoong’s clothes and a short, metallic scratching before a soft melody floated to my ears. “Saengil chukha hamnida… Saengil chukha hamnida… (Happy birthday to you… happy birthday to you…)” he sang- beautifully and quietly- and my God it was over far too soon.


The sweetness of chocolate laced with the scent of burning candles drifted to me, making my mouth water and eyes desperate to see the world again. I can’t remember a time I’ve ever wanted something so badly, but I knew Jaejoong was too close to me for it to be safe and for the moment, I had to wait. My sense of time had disintegrated while Jaejoong sang; the song too short, the silence after a suffocating eternity.


“You can open your eyes and listen now,” his soft voice finally said.


I didn’t hesitate for a second. My eyes gratefully flew open and were greeted with a bright orange glow. Three white candles gleamed at me from a small mound of perfectly sculpted chocolate, their glow illuminating Jaejoong’s closed eyelids.


“I’m sorry if you don’t like chocolate…” he muttered. “I just thought that maybe you did because I saw a Hershey bar on your desk but you could have just left it there because you don’t like it but I couldn’t be sure so I just guessed and I didn’t know how old you were so I guess that too and I thought it was thirty something so I put three candles, one for every ten years but-”


My breath was lodged in my throat. “How did you know?” I cut in.


Jaejoong’s brows knitted together. “Huh?”


“How did you know my birthday was today?” I took the cake from Jaejoong’s hands and set it on my desk before caressing his cheek with the back of my hand. “Open your eyes. I want to see you.”


His muscles noticeably tensed under my touch. “I can’t.”


A light sigh escaped my lips and my hand left his face. Two steps should be enough.


“How about now?”


Jaejoong’s eyes fluttered open and a smile lit up his face. “U-know told me,” he answered.


My mouth opened to say something, but the words I wanted changed on me. “He knows a lot about me,” I said.


His smile didn’t falter. “He doesn’t know how old you are.”


“Thirty-one…” I muttered.


And that was when the wrongness of it all hit me again. Jaejoong was eighteen. I was 31- almost twice his age. Guilt twisted my throat into impossible knots, and I found it much harder to speak than it had been a few seconds ago. “Th-that doesn’t bother you?” I choked out as Jaejoong continued to smile at me.


He shook his head.


“Not at all?”


Again, his head shook from side to side. “Choikang says you’re old sometimes, but I don’t mind. Age is just a number, right?”


I couldn’t answer. I just flashed an uneasy smile and thanked him again for the cake.


“I-I have something else…” Jaejoong’s face burned a deep red and his gaze dropped to the floor. “Micky said that you would like it… but Xiah doesn’t want me to.”


“Do you want to do it?” I asked. “Forget what Xiah and Micky say. The only opinion that matters is yours.”


The reaction was hesitant, but Jaejoong eventually nodded. “I want it,” he assured; whether he was assuring me or himself I didn’t know. Determination set in his eyes and they locked on my face again. “Sit down and close your eyes. I need to get close to you.”


I have to admit, I was a little shocked by the new authority in his voice, but a shiver went through my body and I did what he said. “Can I ask you what you’re going to do?” A slight smile played on my lips, anticipation for whatever he had in store for me sending electricity to every nerve. I felt Jaejoong kneel in front of me, his hand cradling my face while the other took its place around my neck. His breath fanned out on my skin in strong, controlled gusts before he pressed his lips against mine in a luxurious kiss. I almost lost it right then and there, but I was forced back into reality when the top button of my shirt came undone.


I abruptly pulled away from his touch. “Jaejoong what-”


“Just relax,” he whispered.


Honestly, I didn’t know how he expected me to relax. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have even if I did. The rest of my buttons soon joined the first, and my chest was at the mercy of Jaejoong’s icy fingers. They brushed against my skin in delicate sweeps, sending shivers to every part of my body and blood to parts it shouldn’t have been. All I remember thinking was “Oh no, oh God no…” over and over, but he never stopped. His twisted little game continued down to my belt- one step below- and yet I never tried to stop him. “Please Jaejoong, you don’t want to do this. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself in to,” I pleaded in my mind. Only one word came out. “Jaejoong…” It sounded more like a moan than a protest, but he still paused.


“I’ve never done this before,” he admitted sheepishly. His hands traced along the hem of my boxers and I could imagine his dark eyes staring at my growing shame. Feather-light touches teased the clothed skin, my toes curling at the sensations I shouldn’t have felt.


“Y-you don’t… have to do this,” I choked out. “You shouldn’t do this.”


The hand that remained behind my neck shifted slightly, his fingertips softly stroking my skin. “It’s your birthday. I want to make you feel good.”


I could still feel his delicate lips on me long after he left, and every time I so much as think about the cake he gave me I can’t help but shiver. Jaejoong sure can put chocolate frosting to good use when he puts his mind to it.


February 7, 2003

Entry Fifty-Two


I woke up three times because of my dreams. It’s about 4am right now, so I gave up on going back to sleep. I need to do laundry now anyway.


February 7, 2003

Entry Fifty-Three


I fell asleep against the dryer this morning, but thankfully the buzzer woke me up on time to get ready for work. And I kind of cheated a bit… I had a piece of cake with my coffee before I left.


February 7, 2003

Entry Fifty- Four


Jaejoong has a wonderful way of making a shitty day better. Just seeing him smile and feeling his kiss first thing when he walks in makes everything that much more bearable.


“Do you feel older?” Jaejoong asked, his fingers lightly pulling on his jacket sleeves. He’d been asking these sorts of off-topic questions all day and ignoring mine, so I decided to play along with it.


“Not really.” I laughed a bit and drew a smiley face in my notes. “After I hit thirty I tried to stop thinking about it.”


Jaejoong just blinked slowly at my answer, ignoring it as far as I could tell. “Do your parents still love you?”


Truthfully, I didn’t know how to react to that at first; my heart skipped beats and the room became deathly quiet. I hadn’t spoken to my parents since college, but that had nothing to do with whether they loved me or not. I’ve just never had time to call. Really. “Why would you ask that?”


The failed attempt to keep my voice level seemed to go unnoticed, but at least I got an answer from him. Dark, sad eyes stared up at me as he spoke, and I felt my heart breaking anew. “She doesn’t love me anymore. I got too old.”


My eyes burned.


“I don’t think mothers like old people. My first Umma thought I was old a long time ago, and I guess my Umma now figured out I’m old too.” Everything Jaejoong said, (those heartbreaking things) all came out so passively, like we were talking about anything else. I have to admit, I was expecting him to be… much more upset about it. He’d always talked about his (current) mother as someone he didn’t want to disappoint; someone he wanted to be loved by more than anything. But… it was almost like he didn’t care.


“Does that bother you?” I asked.


His eyes returned to the corner with the tree, and I was half tempted to follow his action. “Not anymore,” he replied simply.




He smiled slightly and looked right at me. “I have someone better to love me now.”

A/N: :D alright! so! you're probably thinking "bitch you said four updates so where the HELL is the new chapter of letters from war? *raise pitchfork*" well, put your weapons down for a minute ladies ((and gentlemen.))
there is a LOT going to happen in the new LFW chapter so it's taking me a bit longer to write. most importantly, there's a new character coming in who is going to be extremely important in the long run and just so you know ahead of time, i've had this part and his role planned out for about a year and a half. yall will probably shoot me anyway :] but! expect it within the next two weeks :3 thanks for keeping your patience with me <3

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Hello Chapter 3. Because i can.

soooo, some things about my plans for leaving didn't go the way we expected, so! i'm not leaving as early as i thought, and since i was pretty happy with the comments on the last few chapters, i decided to put up chapter three also. but this WILL be the last before i leave xD honestly. don't wanna give out too much just yet ;]

anyway, here's chapter three, because i love you. PLEASE SHOW ME THAT YOU LOVE ME IN RETURN. COMMENT <3

Title: Hello
Length: [3/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2}

January 25, 2003

Entry Thirty


I was almost certain that this week would end well. Aside from Heechul’s condition going downhill since he stopped seeing Hangeng and Jaejoong’s occasional strangeness, everything was going just fine (Jaejoong’s strangeness was normal after all.) My life has never been very stressful to begin with; just a few patients who refused to cooperate got me frustrated every now and then… Today changed that.


For the first time since I started my work as a psychiatrist, I let something a patient said seriously affect me. I guess it wouldn’t come as a surprise that that patient was Jaejoong.


Our session started off normally; Jaejoong curled up on the couch and stayed quiet except for an occasional ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to answer my questions. But about forty minutes in, Jaejoong started to speak on his own.


“My birthday is tomorrow,” he said out of nowhere.


I looked up from my notebook to see him staring at the curtains draped over my window as if he could still see outside, his sad eyes looking off into the distance. “Happy birthday,” I said with a smile.


Jaejoong seemed to not hear me. “They said I don’t have to come here anymore if I don’t want to. No one can make me.”


My smile faltered and my mind lit up with realization; January 26, 2003: Jaejoong’s eighteenth birthday aka the day his mother can no longer force him to see a psychiatrist.


I shifted slightly. “Do you want to come back?”


Jaejoong raised his loosely balled fist to his lips and his eyebrows knitted together. “Would Umma be sad if I didn’t?” he asked quietly.


My chest tightened, my lungs seeming to twist with grief at his insinuation. He didn’t want to come back. If he did, why would he ask about it? As much as I hated to tell him my honest answer, I had to be honest with him; making the same mistake I did with Heechul could NOT happen again. If Jaejoong broke down, he broke down. If he didn’t, well that was a good sign. At least I was able to sugar coat it some. “She cares a lot about you Jaejoong,” I answered, pretending to write something in my notebook when in reality I couldn’t form a single character. “She only wants you to get better, and she knows I can help you with that- help you both to be happy.”


My patient’s beautiful face smoothed out as words spilled from my mouth, his gaze still locked on the covered window and teeth nibbling away at his bottom lip. He had such dark circles under his eyes… Is this why he hasn’t been sleeping? From day one I’ve known that his mother’s happiness was important to him, but does it really affect him enough to make him lose sleep at night? Aish… “You don’t want to make your umma sad, do you?”


Jaejoong didn’t answer. Instead, he asked me a question of his own. “Would you be sad if I didn’t come back?”


I finally got to look straight into Jaejoong’s eyes for the first time during our session, the dark orbs begging for something I couldn’t quite place. Of course I wanted him to come back; he was my patient and it was my job to treat him. If he leaves before I can properly diagnose his condition, prescribe a proper medication, and provide him with therapy, he might as well have not come at all and saved his mother a few thousand bucks. On the other hand, I can’t give him a definitive answer about my own feelings. And… I wasn’t sure that I knew the answer myself. “My feelings about it shouldn’t influence your opinion Jaejoong. The choice is yours.”


That was when he said what I haven’t been able to let go.


“I don’t want to make you sad either Yunho-shii.”


I don’t know why that session bothered me so much. I mean, it just shows that Jaejoong is an independent and considerate person, which is good. Nothing wrong with that at all. So… why can’t I get it out of my head?


January 26, 2003

Entry Thirty-One


I have nothing to say today.


January 27, 2003

Entry Thirty-Two


I’ll find out Jaejoong’s choice in less than an hour. I just hope he made the right one.


January 27, 2003

Entry Thirty-Three


Forgive me father for I have sinned. I can’t even… I don’t even know what I thought I was doing. It just happened and… God I loved it so much. I shouldn’t have. I should have stopped it even though I had no idea how it started. I should have done something but… I just couldn’t stop him. It happened so fast.


From the second Jaejoong walked into my office I knew something was different about him. A darkness lingered behind his eyes that I’d never seen there before, faint but very much there. Nevertheless, I smiled as he came in. My relief at the moment was just too hard to contain. “It’s good to see you today Jaejoong,” I said as he stood in front of the couch. I really thought this was a good sign; he came back, so he must want to accept treatment.


My young patient remained standing though- something he’d never done before- and stared at me with his darkened eyes. “I’m ready to show you the bad things now,” he said hesitantly while my eyebrows knitted together.


“Show me?”


Jaejoong nodded. “They said I can now. They said… it’s not bad anymore. U-know… said I could so I… I want to.”


“What are you talking abo-” My words were cut off by Jaejoong’s lips crushing against my own. Everything about it was completely insane, but the only thing I could still think about was how Jaejoong’s lips were just as soft as I’d imagined them to be. The soft petals moved demandingly against mine, his tongue begging for something I knew I couldn’t let him have, something I shouldn’t even have had to think about… but I did it anyway.


I don’t know what I was thinking when I parted my lips for him, granting the young boy access to his forbidden desire. His tongue found mine in a heartbeat, dancing and twisting and driving me crazy. I should have ended it when he pulled back for air, I should have stopped it from going further… but… my lips were silently begging for more, and he relented without hesitation.


“Jaejoong…” I breathed against his skin. “Jaejoong this is… we have to… stop…”


I thought my protests had fallen on deaf ears, but Jaejoong slowly began to stop, pulling away at last with a gentle push from my hands.


I was met with an endless sea of ebony when I finally opened my eyes, and my heart raced beyond my control. Heat seeped through my skin from Jaejoong’s soft hands on my neck and… other places I don’t care to write down. This couldn’t go on. I couldn’t let him think this is okay. “Jaejoong,” I started with a sigh. “We can’t do this. It’s not right.”


“Why not?” he snapped.


“You’re too young Jaej-”


“No I’m not! I’m eighteen now! I waited just like they told me to. I waited until it wasn’t bad anymore!” His arms tightened around my neck as he spoke and his head dropped against my chest.


“No Jaejoong, that’s not true.”


The weight on my chest lifted. “What do you mean?”


“You becoming the legal age doesn’t change anything,” I tried to say calmly. It’s a hard thing to do when a gorgeous eighteen year old just willingly made out with you- a thirty (almost thirty-one) year old who hasn’t gotten any action since college- and was still pressing flush against you with lips kiss swollen and beautiful. God it felt so good… No. It had to stop. “You’re still my patient Jaejoong, and I’m still your psychiatrist. I know you might think you feel something for me, but it’s not real. I’ll help you-”


“I don’t need help!” Jaejoong protested. “I know what I want!”


The young boy leaned in to kiss me again, but I was forced to push him away. “No Jaejoong.” Why couldn’t I stop saying his name? “You’re just confused right now, a-and that’s okay. These things happen some-”


“I’m not confused!” he shouted back at me. “Ever since I started coming here I’ve dreamed about being with you. And… I liked it. I like you…” his voice trailed off at his own words, his eyes dropping to stare at the place we were connected; his legs straddling my body, hips demandingly pressed against my own as if our lives depended on the connection. The obvious heat of his excitement was pressed against me and every move either of us made only made it worse. I knew it was so wrong on so many levels, but the desperation in his eyes kept me from doing anything further like I knew I should have. He just needed someone- anyone- to return the love he had for the world… and I wasn’t sure I could deny him of that.


“Jaejoong…” The name fell from my lips in a hallow plea as he slowly threaded his fingers through my hair. I couldn’t think of anything else to say, and before I knew it Jaejoong was kissing me again. That time I didn’t stop him.


January 28, 2003

Entry Thirty-Four


Reasons Why Jung Yunho Cannot be With Kim Jaejoong:


1) Jaejoong is Dr. Jung Yunho’s psychiatric patient

2) Jaejoong is a schizophrenic and, by law, is mentally incapable of consenting to anything without being properly medicated

3) Jaejoong is 18

4) Yunho is days away from turning 31

5) Both are males

6) Jaejoong doesn’t understand what he’s doing or what he wants

7) Yunho is a horny bastard who shouldn’t take advantage of his patients

8) Yunho has never had a real relationship in his life. Starting with something that taboo would be romantic suicide

9) It just is. not. right.


Reasons Why Jung Yunho Can be With Kim Jaejoong:




January 28, 2003

Entry Thirty-Five


Things might not be nearly as bad as I thought with Jaejoong. Yes, the concept itself is completely ridiculous, but what I mean is that Jaejoong wasn’t so adamant about his feelings for me during our session today. I guess it’s harder to explain than I thought.


I didn’t let our situation get too far out of hand yesterday; we just sat there with Jaejoong straddling my hips and kissing me until neither of us could breathe. There was no groping, no fondling, no anything else. Okay, maybe there was a bit of grinding, but that could have just been Jaejoong trying to prevent his legs from slipping or falling asleep or something. And maybe I liked it when he did that, but that doesn’t mean anything.


Anyway, enough about yesterday. Today was a new day with different things. I waited anxiously for 9:30 to come around, and yet I still jumped when my beautiful patient stepped through my door. For the first time I saw a dazzling smile light up his face and a glow surrounding his slender body. It was so… amazing. I couldn’t even bring myself to protest when he closed his eyes to plant a delicate kiss on my cheek.


“Morning!” he chirped, smile still glittering on his lips. Aish…


“Jaejoong, we need to talk about… what happened yesterday,” I said slowly. My hands came up to gently push him away from me and finally give myself room to breathe normally, even if it was only for that short second.


Now at a safe distance from his reflection, Jaejoong opened his eyes and stared straight at me. “I like you too Yunho-shii,” he said softly. “What else is there to talk about?”


“That! You can’t act on the feelings you think you have for me or that I might have for you. It just can’t happen.” I fought hard to maintain my composure under Jaejoong’s intense gaze. He looked so genuinely confused by my words, like he really didn’t understand why it was wrong.


“I like you and you like me too. There’s nothing bad about that.”


“How do you know I li-”


“It’s obvious.” What? “Don’t you notice the way you say my name? You say it like it’s special.” He paused and stared at my overly shocked expression before his lips turned up into a smile again. “Like you care.”


I hated to be the one to extinguish the fire shimmering in Jaejoong’s eyes, but I knew it had to be done. He wouldn’t understand any other way. “I do care about you J-… I do care. But just because someone cares about you doesn’t mean they like you,” I said carefully.


Just as I though would happen, Jaejoong’s radiance went away as my words sunk in to his mind. “You don’t like me?”


The sheer pain in his quiet voice broke my heart, the tears gathering in the corner of his eyes forcing moisture to my own as words gushed out of my mouth. “No no, that’s not it Jaejoong,” I said without thinking. “I do like you! We just…” What was I saying? Did I really just tell him that? Aish… There’s no taking this one back. “We can’t make it work.”


Despite my rejection, Jaejoong’s eyes sparkled. “So there’s hope?”




“You said you like me too.” I shouldn’t have.


“And that we could not make this work. What I do or don’t feel doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we can’t have anything more that a professional, doctor-patient relationship between us.” I tried to make my explanation as clear as possible, but Jaejoong’s features only twisted in confusion.


“They said it will,” he said softly, his narrowed eyes shifting to stare at something beside him I couldn’t see. “U-know said… it will work if we wanted to. We just can’t tell.”


“Jaejoong I…”


“I won’t tell if you won’t,” he whispered.


“It doesn’t matter,” I protested half heartedly, but I knew I’d lost the argument when Jaejoong closed his eyes, wrapped his pale arms around my waist, and snuggled his face against my neck.


January 29, 2003

Entry Thirty-Six


I’m not sure I can handle facing Jaejoong today. Only one hour of sleep calls for weak defenses, and I need all the help I can get to resist temptation. I do like him, I’ll admit that. I mean… what’s not to like about him? His schizophrenia is something I’ve trained for years to deal with, and it’s such a mild case that it should be no trouble at all. He’s kind-hearted, beautiful, innocent… Right. Innocent. And I would take that innocence away from him and corrupt it- strip him of everything he has to make him my own. His body would be mine to do with as I please the second he gave me consent, his skin mine to taste, to feel. I would take my time with him, make everything slow and drawn out to savor every part of him I could get a hold of. Just the thought of his pale cheeks flushed with desire for my touch make me want him more than anything else. Maybe I’m not so unsure about this after all.


January 29, 2003

Entry Thirty-Seven


Reading the entry I just wrote and seeing the stain on my desk made me sick.


January 29, 2003

Entry Thirty-Eight


It’s almost midnight now but I can’t sleep. I know I need to, I just can’t. After my first entry for today (and after… taking care of myself apparently) I passed out on my living room couch and missed my first two appointments for the day (Jaejoong’s not being one of them.) My mind was in ruin when I finally got in, my hair and clothes screwed up, and my glasses still on my face.


I walked in to see my bubbly little Sungmin waiting for me in the lobby. Lee Sungmin: one of my first success stories. When he first came to me he had severe depression, and his parents were desperate to find a solution for their agonizing son. It was a simple case to handle considering depression is easily treated, but the incredible change in his demeanor was what got me my good reputation. Where four other psychiatrists had failed him, I had Sungmin laughing and playing instruments in less than two months with little medication at all. In fact, he hasn’t been taking depression medication for years, and yet he’s one of the happiest people I know. It’s hard to believe that the bubbly, borderline hyperactive, boy I only see once a month had tried to kill himself four times and needed sessions every day. In all reality, he didn’t need to see me at all anymore, yet there he was popping his bubble gum and texting away on a bright pink cell phone.




The bright blonde looked up from his message and graced me with one of his candy smiles. “Annyeong~” he greeted as he jumped to his feet.


I stared at him in confusion for a second before glancing at my watch. “There’s only ten minutes left of your appointment. Why are you still here?” I asked incredulously.


Sungmin popped his gum again and stuffed his cell phone into his pocket, his smile never ceasing to shine. “Because I knew you would come. You always do,” he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.


“Oh. Right…” I followed him to my office, taking note that he let himself in without a care, and sat in my usual place across from him with my notebook sitting uselessly in my lap. It’s not like I needed to take notes on him, I just liked to have it. Besides, I felt bad for cutting his time short when he had so much faith in me; I had to at least look like I was making an effort. “So, Sungmin-ah, if you feel the need to, I’m sure we can reschedule your appointment for another day seeing as we only have about…” I quickly glanced at my watch, “… nine minutes left until my next patient comes in for their session. If you talk to Ms. Kwon I’m sure she can get you in somewhere,” I said smoothly with my pen scribbling imaginary notes on my paper.


Sungmin took no mind to it. “No that’s okay. Kyu makes sure I stay busy.” The blonde’s legs swung back and forth as a mischievous smirk formed on his lips. “But I should probably save those details for next month.” Oh lord… “By the way, I meant to tell you that one of them came in when I got here. He said his name was… um… Junsu? No… Jae… Jae something. I don’t remember. He was pretty hot though.”


I could have sworn my heart skipped a beat. “Jaejoong,” I corrected.


“Yeah that was it!” Sungmin beamed at me like I’d just given him a cookie or something. “I told him that you were going to be here soon but he just left.”


My throat was suddenly very dry. “Did he say what he came in for?”


Sungmin picked up on my distress right away, his expression quickly falling into concern. “He wasn’t hurt or freaking out or anything Yunho-shii. I think he just wanted to see you,” the boy reassured. How strange… a patient trying to console a psychiatrist…


“Did he say anything specific?” I couldn’t stand that my voice sounded so desperate, but thankfully Sungmin didn’t seem to notice this time.


“Nope,” the blonde boy answered, feet still swinging carelessly back and forth in a hypnotic rhythm as he took out his phone once again. “He just came in, asked for you, told me to tell you he came, then left. Sorry I can’t tell you more Yunho-shii, but Kyuhyun’s here and he promised we could have sex when I get home.”


I just blinked at my smiling patient as he got up and left my office with a childish wave. It was truly shocking that someone so… innocent looking could be so blunt about such a thing.


The next few hours were a blur to me, but I knew they should have been the most important. Heechul was just as distant as I was during his session, his eyes glazed over and looking into a far away place while I did nothing to bring him back. None of the mumbled answers were in Korean when I bother to ask him a question, and I didn’t try to make him clarify. We were worlds apart from each other while sitting in the same room, and our regard for each other was practically nonexistent. There was none of Heechul’s usual animation, no biting honesty, no elegant self-praise… and I didn’t do a damn thing to draw any of it out of him.


My mind was stuck on one thing and one thing only: Kim Jaejoong. I wanted to know what he came so early for- what he needed to say that I wasn’t around to hear. It drove me crazy that I let him down like this. What if it was something important? What if something really was wrong with him? I know Sungmin told me Jaejoong looked fine but… who knows how good Jaejoong is at hiding?


None of my questions were answered even when the beautiful boy walked through my office doors a short while later.


From the second he came in I could sense that something was wrong with him. No bright smile greeted me like I’d grown accustomed to, no chaste kiss on the cheek I won’t admit I wanted. He was the same withdrawn, fidgety boy he had been at the beginning. His eyes wouldn’t settle on me not matter what I did or said, but damnit I tried.


“Sungmin told me you came in earlier,” I said smoothly. I put all my effort into trying to sound indifferent, but my efforts were in vain; Jaejoong didn’t seem to care.


He fixed his eyes on the corner and his long, thin fingers pulled at the sleeve of his emerald jacket. “I did,” he muttered.


My lips pressed together at his vague response. “Did you need something?”


Again, Jaejoong seemed to disregard my failed attempt to sound indifferent. “I just wanted to see you. That’s all,” he answered.


But that wasn’t good enough for me. How could he be so on-edge now if there was nothing wrong? With a light sigh, I decided to press on. “I’m sorry for not being here when you came for me Jaejoong, but I’m here now. You can tell me.”


“It doesn’t matter.”


“Everything you have to say matters,” I shot back without thinking. The truth of just how much I meant those words didn’t hit me until Jaejoong was long gone.


January 30, 2003

Entry Thirty-Nine


It’s a little past midnight now… I’d been asleep for about an hour before I woke up out of nowhere. I realized that I’d worn my glasses all day yesterday.


A/N: WELL?? :D