Title: Glow
Status: Fic 20/100
Length: One-Shot
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Kibum/Donghae, implied HanChul
Rating: PG-13 for language
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics
Summary: Because Donghae is forever hopeful, and Kibum knows every way to destroy him
A/N: think of this as a way for making up for the lack of other updates... this was actually written a few months ago, and i just now decided to start posting for the challenge sooooo here it is :] 



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promise i'm not dead

and if that's the case, most of you are probably wondering "well wtf, if you aren't dead why has it been 2 flippin months since you updated hello?! *raise pitchfork*"

weeeeeeellll..... i kinda took a very unplanned, unwanted hiatus and basically haven't touched hello for... a while. my muse completely ran away and left me with absolutely nothing, so i decided to just stay away from writing it for a while instead of melting my brain in attempt to belt out shitty-quality work. like i mentioned in some of my comment replies from chapter 10, i have absolutely NO idea where i'm going for this chapter but i do know where i need to end up, so it's really hard for me to come up with enough filler content and make it good enough to give you a new chapter.

on top of all that my schedual has kind of exploded. i have high school classes, college classes, hospital rotations, hosa, praise band for two churches, and piano lessons ((oh yes, i'm taking it back to elementary school ;] )) so! my mind is pulled in a million different directions. not to mention all the freaking drama that's been going on thin the fandom lately.

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PHEW. and now that the rants are over....
i think it's pretty safe to say that if you're reading this you've noticed my masterlist post ((and how horrifyingly dull it is right now.)) i'm going to try to make it prettier with fonts and pictures and colors and stuff, but it'll take me a while to get it right. I'M LOOKING FOR A GIF OF A SUJU/DBSK MEMBER SPREADING THEIR ARMS .((LIKE A WELCOME GESTURE :D)) if you can find one for me or have one in that massive stockpile of suju/dbsk gifs we all know you have, that would be fantastic and i will love you forever :] <3

um.... i have no idea when i'll be able to update hello. i have no idea when i'll even be able to write for hello. if i never finish any other fic in my life, i want to finish this one, but lately nothing has been coming to me :( like i said, my muse has been gone. i'm back to trying but it's gotten me nowhere so far, and instead i've decided that i might start posting up my entries for the 100 suju fic challenge. i know some of you don't read suju, but for now that's all i've got

you can't even believe how sorry i am that this is taking so long ((....again...)) </3 just know that i'm trying my best and don't lose faith in me yet :') i love you all <3

ps.... i got some LFW written ;] 


Title: Hello
Length: [10b/?]
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama

Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. please do not take anything you learn from this fic as absolute fact; i take a lot of artistic liberty, have a lot of inaccuracies, romanticize a mental illness, and play with the lines of consent and legality. this is a work of fiction in every way
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7} {Chapter 8} {Chapter 9} {Chapter 10a}

February 26, 2003

Entry Eighty-Seven

Things have only been getting better as the day goes on. Okay, maybe a little on the strange side too with a little side-trip of guilt, but better nonetheless.

Sungmin had his monthly session with me today and he was just as lively as ever; every word that he spoke seemed like it was the most important thing in the world to him, and his eyes lit up exponentially with every mention of his boyfriend’s name… which is where a bit of the strange part comes in.

After answering my question about how his guitar lessons were going, Sungmin redirected his response to talk (very animatedly) about their sex life. I could hardly get a word in while Sungmin barreled on about how Kyuhyun knows exactly where to put his hands and how to say certain words to drive him crazy- really, nothing was left to imagination after that. And to think that he said all of it with a smile that made him look like a two year old in a candy store. No doubt it was incredibly shocking, and I learned much more about Cho Kyuhyun than I would ever need to know, but the fact that Sungmin was genuinely happy gave me a strong sense of hope; it meant that I haven’t completely failed my patients. I know I’ve been off course for long time now, but the information that I’ll get from Jaejoong’s social worker later will help me to work around all this crap that I’ve piled up over the past month and finally give him the professional help he needs.

Which leads me to the next significant part about this morning: not long after Sungmin went home with the man who “has the voice of an angel Yunho-shii, but his tongue is absolutely sinful,” Jaejoong came in for the extra hour usually designate for Heechul.

He flew straight into my arms after flashing the brightest smile I’ve ever seen and held on tight, his curved-up lips and smooth teeth pressing securely against my neck as he crushed us together.

“Someone’s happy,” I pointed out, partially laughing as I wrapped my arms around Jaejoong’s slim waist and pressed a kiss against his hair. He hummed in what I assumed to be agreement before I led us to lie down on my couch where we spent most of our extra hour just kissing- me pushing lightly against the boundaries I’d set up to see the extent of my own limitations, and him taking it all in with an eager mouth and body.

It was good to finally be able to see exactly what I could and couldn’t do with him without losing my self control. After my successful session with Sungmin I had become bold, twisting my fingers in Jaejoong’s hair and slipping my other hand under his shirt to tease the scarred shoulder blades with my fingertips. He shivered with every new ministration, sometimes mewling softly or gasping against my open lips when I hit a spot just right. By the time I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore, Jaejoong was already half hard and silently begging for me to keep going. Every fiber of his being whispered don’tstopdon’tstopdon’tstop as I pulled away, but it was a request I couldn’t let myself relent to; I knew I’d reached my absolute limit, and anything beyond that would have thrown us past the point of no return. In my office. With Hyori sitting right outside. Needless to say, I couldn’t let that happen.

So, gathering up every ounce of willpower I had in my body, I managed to tear myself away from Jaejoong’s eager lips and separate us enough to let him open his eyes.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked breathlessly as I reached for my notebook and opened to a clean page with trembling hands.

“No,” I answered, my own voice still unstable after kissing him for so long. “You did everything just fine, but we need to work now.”

Surprisingly enough, he didn’t fight against the sudden change even though obvious desire still burned brightly in his eyes. Every question I asked him in the next hour was answered while he remained curled up against my side, and I have to say, today was probably the most cooperative he’s ever been during his sessions.

I learned that he smoked for two years (an extremely common thing among schizophrenics,) and only stopped because his Umma had caught him and the stash of cigarettes his adoptive father left behind had run out anyway. I found out that his voices often criticized his teachers in high school and told him to cheat on almost every test so they wouldn’t be able to keep him in that “horrid place” for any longer than they already were… The list of things he talked to me about goes on with both psychiatrically relevant and irrelevant bits of information, but it wasn’t until after his session that I found out why he’d suddenly decided to open up so much.

“Do I still get to stay in your room tonight?” Jaejoong asked innocently enough just before I opened my office door to let him out.

I nodded and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “If that still what you want,” I answered.

Jaejoong did nothing more than stare at my shoulder to indicated that he’d heard me, but I could have sworn I saw the slightest hint of a smile tugging at his lips. “Yeah.”

Without another word, we shared another brief kiss and went out into the lobby. It would have been completely normal- Hyori briefly looking up at both of us to smile before returning to her work, Amber sitting in one of the chairs and looking extremely grateful to see me- if Jaejoong’s Umma had not been standing in the middle of the room, wringing her hands and smiling nervously.

I saw Jaejoong’s own smile instantly drop at the sight of her, but she came forward to put her hands on his shoulders anyway. “Go wait for me out in the car honey. I have to speak with Dr. Jung for a moment,” she requested.

Jaejoong nodded and left without a word, only glancing back at me for a split second before walking out the door. Amber twitched as the door shut.

“Should we continue this in my office Mrs. Kim?” I asked. Keeping an eye on Amber’s apprehensive face, I reached out to reopen my office door but Mrs. Kim stopped me.

“There’s no need for that,” she said softly. Her hands began to nervously slide against each other once again and the pained smile returned to her face. “I just… I just wanted to say thank you… Dr. Jung.”

My jaw dropped. Of all the people in the world I expected to thank me, this woman was definitely not one of them.

“You’re helping him. You really are,” she went on. “Ever since he came to live with me, he’s never once slept an entire night through, but… last night… he didn’t wake up once. The fact that he told me at all is a miracle by itself, so I… Thank you Dr. Jung.” She bowed deeply to me then, bending at the waist and closing her eyes to show the intense gratitude I knew I didn’t actually deserve.

At the time, I didn't question it. I just bowed slightly, said it was nothing, and took a very eager Amber back into my office like I would have in any normal "thanking" situation. Except... I almost never take Amber in right away. It's not that I don't like her or anything- Lord no it's not that- but she has Dissociative Identity Disorder, and I normally try to figure out which of her personalities is currently in control before I proceed with anything for her case.
At the time, I didn't question it. I just bowed slightly, said it was nothing, and took a very eager Amber back into my office like I would have in any normal "thanking" situation. Except... I almost never take Amber in right away. It's not that I don't like her or anything- Lord no it's not that- but she has Dissociative Identity Disorder, and I normally try to figure out which of her personalities is currently in control before I proceed with anything for her case.

What I did at the time was a bit reckless, but I had to get out of there; the longer I stayed in Mrs. Kim's presence, the more my chest constricted itself with conflicting emotions. I felt guilty as hell to receive her thanks and at the same time ecstatic that Jaejoong was showing noticeable improvement. The fact that a full night's sleep has such a positive impact on his condition only further solidifies my theory of Jaejoong's case being mild and easily managed, meaning that with proper medication and therapy, he can live an almost perfectly normal life.

February 26, 2003
Entry Eighty-Eight

I meet Jaejoong's social worker in less than an hour. The anticipation is killing me.

February 26, 2003
Entry Eighty-Nine

This... is not quite what I expected. I knew full well that Jaejoong's past wasn't filled with rainbows and butterflies, but I never expected this.

Time went by horribly slowly after my last entry; Wednesdays are my slow days, so I only have one patient to see in the evenings and Hyori had taken over most of the paperwork I didn't do last night. But eventually the time came for Jaejoong's social worker to arrive, and I met him at the door with a bright smile and deep bow.

He was incredibly good-looking for someone his age, smooth features and glittering smile lighting up his face as he returned the bow, but there was something else entirely; his sharp eyes looked so much older- tired almost- and I recognized it right away. They were the eyes of someone who has seen far too much in their lifetime.

It certainly isn’t a shock given his profession, but everything about his outward appearance gave me the impression that he was the kind of person who would have been destroyed by all of the misery he had to witness every day. The more I spoke with him, though, the more I realized just how wrong I was.

“I’m so glad you found time to meet with me Jungsu-shii,” I said gratefully as I led him into my office, bowing again out of habit before we sat down.

“Leeteuk, please,” the other man corrected gently. “And it was nothing. I’m actually glad you called me.” He picked up the coffee I’d given him and sipped lightly, cupping the warm mug with both hands and holding it just below his chin. His soft eyes seemed transfixed by the dark liquid swirling below him, and a slight smile curled up the corner of his lips. “There aren’t very many days when I don’t wonder where he is or if he’s okay. I know it seems like a strange thing to say after all this time, but… I guess he’s always just stuck with me.”

I nodded and stared down at my own coffee; I knew exactly what he meant by Jaejoong staying on his mind. “He’s still with his foster parents- the Kim’s- and well… he’s okay as anyone who needs a psychiatrist can be,” I commented lightly. “Do you remember much about his case before he went to live with them?”

“Oh yes.” The social worker seemed to snap out of his state of nostalgia and set his cup down with a hard clack. “I remember everything about his case.”

I glanced up at him. “Any particular reason why?”

The soft smile returned to Leeteuk’s lips as he leaned back on my leather sofa. “Jaejoong’s was the last case I ever worked,” he began. “My supervisor said that Jaejoong had gotten too attached to me, so I was removed from the case a little less than a year after Jaejoong moved in with the Kim’s. After that… I realized that I had gotten attached to him too, and if it happened with him, I ran the risk of that happening with other clients as well. I’d already been working with that company for over ten years, so... I quit.”

I blinked. “Just like that?”

He hummed as he nodded. “My partner and I decided that we wanted to settle down anyway- you know, adopt kids and whatnot- and we both agreed that my work would get to me too much when we got kids of our own.”

Leeteuk picked up his coffee again to take another sip and paused. “The point of all this is that… Jaejoong does still affect me. All the time I think about what he had to go through and if Kangin and I will ever fall down the same path that his parents did. I know that it’s a ridiculous fear, but it’s stuck in the back of my mind. Every time I see Taemin’s face I can’t help but think about it.”

“And… what exactly is ‘it?’” I prodded.

“Oh! I’m so sorry Yunho-shii,” the man amended, laughing slightly. “I tend to ramble a lot when I’m not paying attention to myself.” He cleared his throat and finally took a long drink of his coffee. “Jaejoong’s parents both had their problems. I’m sure you already know that he was abused by his father.”

I nodded, and his slight smile slipped away.

“His father was delusional- to the point where I’m not really sure he could distinguish fiction from reality at all. His medical records never indicated that he’d ever seen a psychiatrist or been diagnosed with any mental disorders, but there was undoubtedly something wrong with him.” Leeteuk’s lips turned up in a sad smile and he lowered his eyes once again. “He believed that Jaejoong was an angel.”

The elder man rubbed absent-minded circles on the mug’s porcelain surface with his thumbs, sighing deeply before setting it down. “You see, Jaejoong is double-jointed in his shoulders,” Leeteuk explained, “so he can stick them out- almost like angel wings.* My guess is that somewhere along the line, Jaejoong showed his father that ability somehow and that’s when those particular delusions started. I don’t know if you’ve seen them or not, but he has extensive injuries to his shoulder blades: scratches, gashes, healed fractures… all of them were from his father trying to destroy his wings.”

Visions of Jaejoong’s scars flashed through my mind as my chest tightened impossibly, suffocating me and making my eyes burn. “Where the hell was his mother for all of this?” I blurted out. “She had to have known what was going on.”

“Yes, she did,” Leeteuk said, noting my outburst with nothing more than a curious look. “But if anything, I believe she encouraged it. She didn’t have any records of ever seeing a psychiatrist or being professionally diagnosed either, but there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she had Capgras delusion syndrome.”

The man’s voice had gone quiet at the end of his sentence and his eyes seemed distant. “Their delusions fueled each other,” he said softly. “Her belief that Jaejoong had been replaced by an imitation let him believe that Jaejoong was an angel, and him claiming that Jaejoong was an angel only solidified her belief that he wasn’t their real son. It was a vicious circle of sorts that only led to Jaejoong being abused and neglected… He was beaten almost every day just because his father wanted…”

Leeteuk’s eyes squeezed shut as he raised a hand to cover his mouth. “I’m sorry. My supervisor was right about me being too attached to him.”

I nodded slightly and shifted my position. “I understand. Just tell me what you can.”

The man across from me took a moment to regain himself, his eyes sliding open and hints of fury fused in his voice when he started to speak again. “His father wanted to take his purity from him,” he said darkly. “He thought that if… if he took the angel’s purity from him, he would have to bring Jaejoong back. Trying to destroy Jaejoong’s wings was part of it, but it didn’t stop there. I’m sure you can imagine what I mean; physical, emotional, sexual abuse… And the worst part is that his new parents weren’t any better.”

My eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

“At first… I didn’t notice anything unusual. Jaejoong had opened up to me after we took him away from his biological parents and he lived with me for a few weeks while we tried to find him a new home, so I didn’t think anything of it when he became withdrawn from everyone else after moving in with the Kim’s.” A hint of a smile flickered across his lips. “He even called me Appa once,” he commented before the stony mask fell back into place. “It wasn’t until after I’d quit that I realized that something was wrong. Both parents seemed ecstatic to have him there and, as expected, Jaejoong was incredibly shy with them but… after a while I began to see that it was only getting worse. There were some days that I visited where he would literally run away from me when his father entered the room. Something like that should have immediately sent up red flags, but no one ever investigated any further.” His fists clenched a bit and his eyes narrowed. “Everyone knew that Kangin and I wanted a child of our own, so they thought that this was my way of trying to get Jaejoong to live with us. They ignored obvious signs- paranoia, self hatred, social withdrawal- all because they thought I was that selfish. My supervisor even threatened me with a restraining order if I didn’t stop checking in on him.”

“Did you ever try to report your agency?” I asked incredulously.

“It didn’t do any good. His mother denied that anything was wrong and the feds said that a child’s shyness and low self-esteem weren’t their problem.” He shook his head furiously and his jaw tightened. “A six year old child calling themselves a hideous abomination is not low self-esteem.”

A small fire of my own burned in my chest, and it took almost all my strength to make my voice come out even. “Do you know why he thinks that way?” I asked sharply as my eyes bore holes into the wall behind Leeteuk’s head.

“His adoptive father conditioned him to,” the other man answered. “Jaejoong had told me once that Mr. Kim would make him stand in front of a mirror- naked- as he pointed out everything that he thought was wrong with him. I tried to tell the agent who had taken over the case, but he said that my word alone was no good; either an eyewitness or Jaejoong himself had to report it to him. With Jaejoong only opening up to me and his mother in such denial… nothing ever came of it.”

I felt like an atomic bomb had been dropped onto me; everything in my mind had been completely wiped out and I couldn’t think of anything to say. Jaejoong was forced to live with the man who did nothing more than make him relive his abuse while both of his mothers did nothing to stop it. Seven years he lived with that man. Seven years he lived through even more torture. And no one ever did anything about it.

Leeteuk had little information left to offer, but I couldn’t help the way my heart sank with every new word that he spoke.

I had all my answers. Now I’m just not so sure I want them.

February 26, 2003

Entry Ninety

I’ve felt like absolute shit since my conversation with Leeteuk. As horrible as it sounds, I’m really looking forward to having that drink with Hyori later.

February 26, 2003

Entry Ninety-One

I can never redeem myself for this. I should have never come up with this stupid plan, should have never offered to do this, should have never gone through with it.

Now that one problem has been resolved, I’ve gained a thousand more.

It was only a few hours after my last entry that Hyori and I decided to call it a night. She had been making eyes at me all day, and after Leeteuk left my office, they actually started to affect me. I’d felt like I’d aged ten years in the short hour he was here, and the promise of her company paired with plenty of alcohol sounded like the best thing that could happen to me.

“Yunho-yah~” Hyori called from the barstool beside me, her body loose and leaning against me like I was the only thing keeping her upright. “I’m really glad you asked me to come out with you tonight. I was beginning to think there was no hope left for us.” She smiled brightly and leaned her head on my shoulder as the slurred words struggled to break through the buzz of the hundred other people in the club with us, her hand making its way higher and higher up my leg as the night wore on.

I only offered up a weak smile of my own and tossed back my second shot of the night. Hyori was on her eighth. “Hope for what?” I asked, feigning innocence even though everything was falling right into place.

“Hope for us being together Yunho-yah.” Hyori’s voice became lower as she pressed closer to me, her lips only millimeters away from my skin. “I still want you, you know? I can’t believe I ever passed up the opportunity to fuck the hell out of you while I still had it.”

This was it. This was exactly the kind of opening I had been waiting for since we got here- the kind of opening that I thought would make all of my other problems go away.

I turned my head slightly, our lips barely touching and her breath hot on my face. “Who said you missed your chance?”

Everything after that is hard to describe; it was all one gigantic, horribly-detailed blur that I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself for. I could smell the alcohol thick on her breath as she stumbled through my front door and we tumbled into my bed together. I could feel the slick sheen of sweat on her body, every muscle moving beneath her skin and her fake nails digging into my back as we moved together in abstract dissension. I could hear her voice screaming “Yunhoyunhoyunho” over and over as she reached her limit. But at the same time… I couldn’t register anything. My mind wasn’t anywhere near her.

All I could think about was pale skin and raven hair; soft lips and scarred should blades.

Even now as I’m writing this, I wonder if Hyori realized that she wasn’t the one I saw when I closed my eyes, and the name I whispered when I came wasn’t hers.

A/N and pic of jaejoong's angel wings V

**CAPGRAS DELUSION SYNDROM: in a nut shell, the person who has capgras can recognize a certain person who is really close to them ((almost always a family member)) but they believe that they have been replaced by a perfectly identical impostor because they have absolutely no emotional response to the face

A/N: :D?
alright, so i had a lot to say for this author's note, but i really can't remember any of it. my brain is still a bit in crisis mode, so bare with me. the one thing i do remember though, is that y'all need to thank the hell out of angelwitch1287 . the only reason this chapter is even here is because she has a lot more confidence in my writing than i do, and she also helped this chapter to not be absolute shit. send her yunjae cookies. i love her <3

'bout time, huh?

alright. i was supposed to have this up yesterday but here it is now <3 i'm sorry! it's a HUGE chapter though, so it's broken into two parts. THIS IS PART 1

Title: Hello
Length: [10a/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama

Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. please do not take anything you learn from this fic as absolute fact; i take a lot of artistic liberty, have a lot of inaccuracies, romanticize a mental illness, and play with the lines of consent and legality. this is a work of fiction in every way
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7} {Chapter 8} {Chapter 9}

February 25, 2003

Entry Eighty-Five

The idea from earlier has been plaguing me for hours; I just can’t seem to make it go away. There isn’t much to complain about though, considering that it kept me awake for the rest of my patients’ sessions and gave me something other than Jaejoong’s body to think about while he was here (which is a hard task when he insists on constantly touching me the entire time.)

I actually feel like applauding myself for showing as much self control as I did while he was here. Despite the continuous contact with his body, I kept my hands from wandering beyond his neck and arms, and responded to his kisses with very little tongue. If I were to go about it professionally, I would say that I restrained myself to show Jaejoong that sleeping in my room last night was unacceptable by taking away his reward. But if I were to be realistic, I would say that I was just distracted and that my body’s normal reactions were dulled by the thoughts racing through my head and guilt scraping away at my conscience.

To say the least, the things that I’d come up with are very… questionable, but I know they have to be done in order to keep me on the right track for the next few days. It took me all of two hours to finally gather up enough willpower to approach Hyori’s desk while Jaejoong continued out to my car and go through with my plan.

Jaejoong was skeptical at first, terror written all over his pale face and eyes darting around frantically when I’d asked.

“It’ll only be for a minute Jaejoong,” I assured him. “All I have to do is talk to Hyori about something and then I’ll be right out. I promise.”

I kissed him long and slow behind the cover of my closed door before resting my hand on the doorknob and curling my fingers around it. “Only for a minute…” I breathed against his lips, his hair brushing against my cheek as he nodded.

He took his time leaving after I’d opened the door, fidgeting and watching me the entire way out to the car as I leaned on Hyori’s desk. Unwarranted guilt crawled beneath my skin from his longing gaze, and I couldn’t help but to feel like he knew exactly what I was doing; it was just… there. His wide eyes held a look of betrayal for something it was impossible for him to know, and something that I shouldn’t feel guilty about anyway. It’s not like this is actually cheating on him. It’s just… not exactly the right thing to do.

If anything, I’m doing this to help him - to protect him from myself and what I could possibly do to him if this issue isn’t dealt with.

Regardless of right or wrong, cheating or not, I went on with my plan when Hyori called my name to break me out of my thoughts. I turned my attention to her only to be met with a raised eyebrow and expectant face, fingertips tapping against her desk.

“Is there something you need to speak to me about Dr. Jung?” she asked formally, despite there being no one else in the room.

I could have turned around here. And maybe I should have, but the fact remains that I didn’t. Instead, I threw all of my moral integrity out the window and forced a smile. “Actually, yes,” I started slowly. “I was wondering if you’d like to get a drink with me after work tomorrow. You know, to de-stress a bit and make up for that lunch I never bought you.” I mustered up the coyest smile humanly possible to flash at Hyori and didn’t miss the way her cheeks turned slightly pink because of it.

She looked almost hopeful with her eyes lit up and smile fighting its way up to the surface, but her tone was guarded. “What about Jaejoong?” she asked.

I’m pretty sure this was the point when my heart skipped about four beats and my breathing stopped. “What about him?” I asked.

Hyori and I both spared a glance out the window to my car; hers lingering while I did my best to look at anything else as soon as possible. “You’re supposed to be taking him with you after work every day this week, aren’t you?” she asked, slowly shifting her gaze back to look into my eyes. “What will he do if you go off somewhere else with me?”

My heart pounded. “Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ve already made alternate arrangements for him,” I lied.

“And me?”

“We’ll take my car over there and see what happens. If we’re both too drunk afterwards we’ll take a cab home.”

Light emanated from every inch of Hyori’s being, and if someone would’ve thrown glitter on her face I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.

I’m not entirely sure what she picked up on or what she inferred from my request, but whatever it was was working in my favor. She agreed without any further persuasion, her eyes bright and fingers twisting in her hair a bit too much to be normal, and then we parted ways… almost.

Just as I had opened the door, Hyori called out to me again, her voice high and much less formal than when this conversation first began. “Yunho-yah~!” she practically sang.

My hand paused on the door handle. “Yes?” I answered as I turned back and plastered on my smile again. She beamed.

“A social worker called for you about an hour ago while you were with Jaejoong,” she said as she began flipping through a small stack of post-it notes. “He said that he was eager to speak with you and that he would come by tomorrow evening if you were available.”

I had to fight tooth and nail to resist taking a huge sigh of relief or doing a victory dance or something else equally stupid at her words. “Whenever I don’t have a patient is fine Hyori. Just let me know tomorrow what you’ve figured out.”

She nodded, I smiled, and we went our separate ways- simple as that- mainly just because I felt like I didn’t have time to soak in what she’d told me. I wanted to get away from her as soon as possible and Jaejoong was waiting obediently in the car for my return.

Right now on the other hand, I do have time to think about it. Jaejoong is in the shower, I’m away from her, and I’ve had a few hours to let the information sink in: Jaejoong’s former social worker is going to be meeting with me tomorrow. The man who has almost all the answers to Jaejoong’s past will be speaking with me face to face in less than forty-eight hours. Even as I’m writing this down my heart is racing with excitement and elation over the fact that I finally have a shot at unlocking the secrets of Jaejoong’s past… it’s indescribable.

But… I also have to realize that he might not have all the answers I want. He will almost certainly be able to give me enough information to allow me to make my complete diagnosis and prescribe Jaejoong his medication, but there is a chance that he won’t know or even remember much else. Family history, early childhood behavior, nature of abuse, past experiences… All very important things; I just want more.

Like while we were driving home for example: the first thing I noticed when I got in the car was that Jaejoong’s affections were much more distant than they had been just a few minutes before. He only absent-mindedly played with the fingers on my free hand and his eyes were unfocused as he stared at the place where our skin touched. Even his answers to my few (and admittedly non professional) questions were answered with airy words. He was so far away from me then, and I just knew his mind was overflowing with thoughts that I could only hope to get tiny glimpses of.

I’d give anything to know more about him, which I guess is how I ended up in the situation I’m in now: this ludicrous idea of mine falling into place and Jaejoong bring dragged right along with it.

After a silent dinner, I decided that it was time to ask Jaejoong about arrangements for tomorrow. I needed some way to get him home after his session and then back to my house for the night when I finish with Hyori- both without anyone knowing where exactly he was going or why, meaning that Jaejoong couldn’t know why I had to change things around, Hyori couldn’t know that he was coming back to my house afterwards, and Jaejoong’s mother pretty much couldn’t know anything. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy plan to come up with (considering that I had all of an hour to think of it and most of it was basically being pulled out of my ass anyway) but I still took a stab at it; I had to do something to make sure that Jaejoong wouldn’t be with me while I was with Hyori.

“Jaejoong-ah, I need to talk to you about something,” I said, finally breaking the thick silence that had surrounded us.

Jaejoong made no indication that he’d heard me, only blankly staring at the food he’d hardly touched.


He looked up at me with wide eyes then, and despite me not even mentioning anything about tomorrow, I could have sworn that I saw a glimmer of accusation in those eyes. Looking back on it now, it was probably just my guilty conscience screwing around with me, but damn it was good.

My collar suddenly became too tight when I realized that I had his attention and I had to clear my throat a few times before words would come out. “I… I have a meeting right after work tomorrow evening, Jaejoong,” I started hesitantly, the lie feeling like acid on my tongue and burning in the air between us. “Dr. Shim is making all of us go, so that means I won’t be able to take you back here right away. That being the case… your Umma will have to take you home for a few hours before I come to get you again.”

Heavy silence fell over us when my words had finished, and a faint sense of dread pulsed through my veins. So many negative reactions Jaejoong could have had flashed in my mind at once as if trying to prepare me for all of them at the same time, but all Jaejoong did was stare- eyes once again blank and body unmoving, almost like a doll.

“Is it Choikang’s fault?” he asked quietly.

The soft words exploded in my ears, and it took a while for my mind to catch up with what he was asking. I shook my head slowly back and forth, eyes remaining on him and him alone. “Why would it be Choikang’s fault?” I asked.

“…He says bad things about you,” Jaejoong whispered, almost as if he were telling a secret to the uneaten food beside his motionless hands. His gaze came up to meet my own for a moment, and I could have sworn I saw the glimmer of accusation in his eyes again, guilt rising in my chest and taking hold of my trembling heart before I could stop it.

“What kinds of things?” I choked.

“Bad things. U-know tries to stop him but he doesn’t listen. He says you want me to be alone. He says… you’re trying to kill them.” The whole time Jaejoong spoke, his eyes remained eerily blank. I would have taken the accusatory look backing a heartbeat if it meant he was showing something to me, but it was no use. The darkness of his eyes threatened to swallow me whole the longer I stared into them, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to look away; even in all their emptiness, his eyes were captivating.

“I’m not trying to kill anyone,” I muttered after collecting some of my resolve. My hand lifted to rest against Jaejoong’s cheek, hesitating before falling back to the table and staying there. We were so off-topic…

I sighed and watched as Jaejoong blinked his absent eyes at me. “Jae… Listen to me,” I said wearily. “This has nothing to do with them, but it does have something to do with you. I need you to agree to go home for a bit longer than usual tomorrow so I can… get my meeting taken care of. Ryeowook-shii doesn’t have a session tomorrow, so if it’s easier for your Umma, we can get you back to your normal time for a day. We can make any necessary arrangements really, but it’s extremely important that you agree to this. When you get back you can have whatever reward you want, okay?”

My last sentence finally sparked a reaction. His vacant eyes suddenly flashed with something akin to a sparkling hope, and I knew I was doomed.

“Anything?” he asked quietly.

I nodded. “Anything.”

Just as soon as the sparkle had come, it was gone, Jaejoong withdrawing back into timidity as his gaze lowered to his food. “I want to stay with you tomorrow. In your room.”

Looking back, I guess I should have seen this coming. Jaejoong has never asked for much from me, and this (along with a kiss every now and then) is the one thing that he seems particularly adamant about.

If my plan works… if this act of betraying non-betrayal that I’m pushing myself into actually works… then what he’s asking for won’t be a problem anymore. Everything should work out just fine: Jaejoong will be happy and I won’t have to worry myself to death about overstepping my boundaries more than I already have.

I can do this.

With that thought in mind, I agreed to let Jaejoong sleep in my room for the night, kissing him softly on the lips to seal the deal before sending him off to take a shower.

Speaking of which… I don’t hear the water running anymore so he should be coming back in here any moment now. Looks like we’ve got an interesting day ahead tomorrow. Fantastic.

February 26, 2003

Entry Eighty-Six

So last night didn’t go quite how I’d planned, but surprisingly it wasn’t necessarily in a bad way. If I think about it optimistically enough, it could be really good sign for what all I have planned for today. It doesn’t make me any less nervous as a whole, but it does take a little bit of the edge off to know that today is off to a good start.

For the record, I’ve never been more tired in my life than I was last night, so my lack of discretion was only partially my fault. Now that that disclaimer is out of the way…

Jaejoong and I ended up sleeping together last night, (no, literally) the same as the night before, except with a lot more sleeping on my part and no strange late-night interruptions on his. Almost as soon as Jaejoong got out of the shower, he came back to me and crawled into bed, his head resting on my shoulder- wet hair and all- like he belonged there wedged between my arm and body. For the first time that night, he looked at peace with everything.

It took about ten minutes for his drooping eyes to fully close and breathing to completely even out, but in that short time I made sure to tell him not to get too comfortable; he would have to return to his room in an hour. That… didn’t exactly happen.

The combination of existing fatigue and an hour’s worth of late-night paperwork kept my body tired enough not to react to Jaejoong the way it had the night before, so I decided to let him stay there a little while longer until I finished my work. What I didn’t plan on was falling asleep before I even reached the last page and waking up to my alarm with Jaejoong still tucked safely beneath my arm.

Like I mentioned before, it’s potentially a good sign. If I can go a full night (regardless of the circumstances) with him beside me and not do anything that would jeopardize his innocence, there’s an extremely good chance that my plan for tonight will work out just fine.

Everything seems to be working out in my favor actually: Jaejoong is switching back to his normal time for today so guilt won’t be able to talk me out of it at the last minute, Hyori seems more than eager to go along with whatever I plan to do, and hell, I slept the entire night through. No exhaustion for me.

I’m beginning to think that I really can do this.


hello update information


don't freak out yet, this isn't ((necessarily)) bad news :D
there are a couple things that i would like for yall to know actually, and the most important is that the new chapter of hello is FINALLY coming along. after a month of writers block stalking the hell out of me, someone decided to beat it up and reunite me with my muse <3 today alone i've gotten two pages written after a month of absolutely nothing

so! with that being said, the chapter is about halfway done ((i had a bit written before my muse got scared away)) but it is going to be a loooooooooooongass chapter. filled with angst, fluff, and then a bit more angst, and a little more fluff . plus other things of course :3 the new character WILL be in it ((writing their part right now ;])) and so will yunho's plan, so look forward to it ^^

hopefully i will have the new chapter up by christmas, and if not, new years at least
i know it's taking a long time and for that i'm sorry, but i'm trying. i promise <3
don't lose faith in me yet!

i love you all <3

oh! and just a little extra special tidbit.... all of hello's chapters have broken 1000 hits ;~; <33333

not what i wanted it to be :/

Title: Hello
Length: [9/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7} {Chapter 8}

February 24, 2003

Entry Eighty-One


I didn’t finish my entry from earlier because Jaejoong finally decided to speak to me. He’d been silent since he came in, ignoring my presence aside from giving me a long, slow kiss after my door shut. He was obviously distracted by something going on in his head, and he didn’t bother answering any of my questions. When he finally did speak, though, it was to ask a question of his own.


“Are you afraid?” he asked out of no where.


My pen slipped out of my fingers and I stared at Jaejoong’s wandering eyes. “Afraid of what?” I muttered against his neck.


Okay. Confession time: we were lying down on my couch, his back to my chest, my arms around his waist, and my notebook on his lap while I was writing. His head fell back against my shoulder when I asked him, and his pale neck seemed to stretch out forever before me.


“Anything I guess,” he answered.


I threaded my fingers through his hair and nodded slowly. “Everyone is afraid of something.”


Jaejoong never asked for specifics, and for that I was very grateful. I’m afraid of him- afraid of myself around him. Jaejoong had changed me forever and… I’m not sure I know how to deal with it. He makes me think things that have never even crossed my mind before, makes me desire things I’ve never wanted until I saw him. And as much as this fact plagued my mind, I knew I couldn’t tell Jaejoong about it. If he realizes just how much of an effect he has on me… I have no idea what would happen.


Regardless, he took my vague answer for what it was and didn’t say anything else for a long time afterwards. It wasn’t until I went through my routine to pack up for the night that he started speaking again.


Files were swept into my drawers, some into my briefcase along with my case log and this thing, pens were put away, blinds were shut, and the top right drawer of my desk was opened so I could check off my final task. The small key from my pocket pushed easily into the unturned lock, and the drawer slid open with a soft scraping sound. Inside it lay a sleek 9mm pistol, loaded and ready to fire at a moment’s notice.


The gun is my last line of defense against a patient; if they have a breakdown severe enough to make them an immediate danger to others or myself, it’s the fastest way to neutralize them before the situation gets out of hand. The drawer is kept unlocked during the day in case of an emergency, but I have no plans to take advantage of that easy access. All of my patients are generally well-controlled and non-violent (breakdown or not,) and I have several measures to take before the gun even becomes an option. We’re trained for this sort of thing… and taking judo for seven years probably didn’t hurt either.


I didn’t notice that Jaejoong had been staring at me as I lifted the gun from it’s resting place, flipping the metal body in my hand a few times to make sure nothing had changed from when I’d checked it the night before.


“Have you ever used it?” Jaejoong asked me as I returned the gun to its drawer and turned the key.


I looked up at him and shook my head. “I hope I never have to either,” I answered.


Jaejoong seemed to take no notice and formed a gun shape with his thumb and index finger before pressing a fingertip to his heart. “Would you ever shoot me?”


“Of course not,” I answered instantly. “Why would you ask that?”


Jaejoong just paused and slid his finger from his heart to press against the soft underside of his chin. “They told me to. Xiah doesn’t like it,” he muttered before mouthing a silent “pow” with his lips and moving his fingers away.


My chest tightened.


Thankfully Jaejoong went back to normal not long after that ordeal. Hyori had already gone home for the night, so I let Jaejoong kiss me in the lobby and wrapped my arm around his waist as we walked out to my car (he had a thin jacket on and I didn’t want him to get cold.) It wasn’t until we got home and I was showing him around that he started speaking freely though. His fingers were interlaced with mine as I led him around the house, his grip tightening slightly every time we entered a new room and relaxing when we left. My bedroom was the only exception.


Jaejoong’s wide eyes wandered around the room at such a slow pace, as if he were seeing it for the first time. His grip became loose on my own hand, and had I not been holding on to him I’m sure they would have slipped apart.


“This is my room, remember?”


He didn’t look at me once while we stood in the doorway together (I didn’t expect him to,) but I could see that behind the vast lack of recognition, his eyes held a faint glimmer of familiarity. It’s an aspect of schizophrenia to vaguely remember something while not being able to connect it to things like how, when, where, or why it happened, and I assumed this was what went through Jaejoong’s mind as he scanned my room; he remembered seeing this place before but nothing else.


“Is this where I stay?” he asked after a long silence.


I merely shook my head. “Your room is the next one over,” I answered as I slipped my hand back into Jaejoong’s and gave it a light tug backwards.


The room I had prepared for Jaejoong was the next and final stop of his little tour, and I wanted to get there as soon as possible; the more time I spend with him in my room, the more my conscience wanted to beat me up. He looked perfect in the off-white lighting of my room, and my mind flashed images of him pushed against my sheets, head thrown back in ecstasy and jet black hair splayed on my pillows…


I shook my head to get rid of the thoughts. “If you ever need anything during the night I’ll be-”


“You’re leaving me alone?” Jaejoong cut in. Panic had suddenly taken over his features and he whipped back around to face me, eyes wide with emotions I couldn’t quite place.


“…coming in to check on you often Jaejoong,” I finished. I flashed him a gentle smile, but for some reason it didn’t calm him at all. His hand suddenly jerked away from mine to cover his shoulder, fingers digging deep into the fabric of his shirt and trembling like mad.


“I can’t be alone,” he wailed. “He’ll find me!”


I blinked at him. “What are you-”


“You can’t!” he shrieked, nails digging further into his shoulder and face twisting in horror.


All I could do was take a hesitant step toward him with my own hand gently outstretched toward him. “Jaejoong, I don’t understand what you’re talking about,” I said softly. “Just calm down and I can-”


He flinched away from me before I could make another move. “NO!” He screamed and jerked his head to the side, hands snapping up to cover his ears and nails digging into his hair. “You can’t let him get me here!”


Somewhere along the line he’d screwed his eyes shut, so I dared to move closer- close enough cover his thin hands with my own and pry them away. His skin felt unnaturally cool under my touch, and it seemed as though I was holding onto a child’s hand as his rigid muscles began to loosen.


He went silent as I pulled him into my arms, the tension in his body slowly fading as I pressed my lips to his temple. “Everything is going to be okay Jaejoong,” I breathed out. “Just listen to me.”

We stood that way for what seemed like an eternity: Jaejoong slowly relaxing in my arms and me softly begging him to just listen. So many things were flying through my head that I couldn’t think of anything else to say. He’d gone from completely terrified to calm in no more than a few seconds, using nothing but my touch to bring about the change. It was… incredible. He eventually let me lead him to the next room, where I sat him down on his bed and took his hand once again.


“Let me explain how things are going to work while you’re here, okay Jaejoong?” I whispered softly into his ear, to which he nodded.  So far: so good.


“Some things… have to happen, while others can’t happen under any circumstances. Understand?”


He nodded again.




Long story short, I laid out the ground rules for him, and they went something like this: if he does one of those things that “have to happen” or if I see an improvement in him, I’ll give him some type of reward. And by reward… I’m going to be a little shameless with these… are going to be mostly physical rewards. So Jaejoong can have a solid foundation to grasp at and the like. I’ve already mentioned that for just agreeing with this whole thing, Jaejoong is allowed to kiss me all he wants. Well, with these rewards he’s going to be allowed to do a little bit more depending on his levels of cooperation and improvement. I did draw lines though, and we’re starting out small for now; if I’m satisfied, he gets more. And I mean that in the least sexual way possible… kind of.


For example: Jaejoong agreed to stay in his own room without putting up any more of a fight, and as a reward, he got tongue action in our goodnight kiss. Granted, that’s nothing exactly new to us, but I made a point of telling Jaejoong that from now on he would have to earn it. He made a face and told me that Micky hated the idea, but complied all the same, earning himself a second kiss before I sent him off to bed.


That was about two hours ago, and I’ve checked on him twice since. The first time he was sitting straight up staring at the wall, the second he was sprawled out on his stomach and fast asleep. All in all, the night has gone pretty well so far. I still have about another hour of work to finish before I can head off to bed myself, but my pillows are looking more inviting by the second. Maybe I’ll call it a night early.


February 25, 2003

Entry Eighty-Two


Last night was an absolute, horrid disaster. I decided to follow through with calling it early after dozing off twice and getting drool on one of my files, but not two hours later, I was wide awake again.


I snapped my eyes open to a dark silhouette hovering above me and my shoulder being violently shaken. The figure was obviously in distress about something, frantically whispering things I couldn’t quite make out at the time and clenching their fingers hand onto my arm. When their words finally came through to me, I remembered who was in my house and why that person would possibly be up at such an ungodly hour.


“Jaejoong…?” I slurred. “Jaejoong what are you doing?”


The shaking continued and a noticed a few choking sobs laced with the boy’s words. “I can’t. Please, please, I can’t do it. They know he’s here! They know! Please, I have to!” Jaejoong gushed at a million miles a minute as he dug his nails further into my arm, using enough force to the point where I was sure I’d have a hand-shaped bruise there in the morning. Somehow, though, I managed to slip my own hand between his fingers to let him refocus his grip on that instead (and it nearly broke every bone) while he continued with his incoherent whispers. Whether he was looking at me or not, I couldn’t tell, but I tried my best to look into his eyes; no light, no reflection.


“Jaejoong tell me what’s wrong. You have to calm down if you want me to help you,” I pleaded to the shadowed figure, squeezing his hand back lightly in what I hoped would be reassurance.


But I faintly saw his head jerk to look in another direction and his slew of words came to a momentary halt. “You promised. You can’t let him get me. You promised!” he hissed.


“I know that Jaejoong. You’re safe here, no one can hurt you, remember?”


Apparently he didn’t. His vice-like grip tightened impossibly more and he seemed to ignore my wince of pain. “You promised you would protect me,” he shot back. “They told me he was there. I can’t do it.”


“Can’t do what?”


“Stay in there!”


Just when I thought my hand would snap for sure, Jaejoong’s tore his hand away and threaded it into his shadowy mass of hair. “Please…” he whimpered, dropping to his knees beside me. “Please don’t let him in.”


I didn’t know what to say. Hell, I even forgot how to breathe for a few seconds before I took his hand again and pulled him into bed beside me. There were no words exchanged as he willingly laid down and started breathing harshly against my neck, our fingers still laced together but nowhere else touching. His shaking gradually came to a stop, his sobs subsiding and body almost completely relaxed before I allowed myself to pull away and say anything.


With only our intertwined hands and space between us, I let my words flow out. “Jaejoong, will you listen to me now?”


He nodded, hair rustling against my pillow as I took a deep breath. “I’m only going to let you do this for tonight, okay? After this you have to stay in your own room at night. Do you understand?”


Jaejoong nodded again and in no time he was peacefully asleep. That’s when the torment started.


I couldn’t stop thinking about him.


My eyes had adjusted to the dark enough to see Jaejoong’s smoothed out face only inches from my own, his body radiating heat that I couldn’t seem to ignore. He looked so submissive… vulnerable to anything I could have done to him at that moment. It made me squirm to hold back from touching him, and after only a few short minutes I had to let my sweaty palm slip out of Jaejoong’s loose hold and return it to my side. My mind was going crazy with images of him moaning and writhing underneath me, his naked skin contrasting against my dark sheets and pressing against every inch of my own body that he could reach… it was intoxicating what my mind came up with, and after only a short half hour there was an impressive tent in my loose sweatpants that just would not go away. My eyes refused to leave the sight of his slightly parted lips or the sinuous curve of his waist… the place where his shirt had ridden up and exposed his pale skin… any of it for long enough to give me a chance to calm down. I’d already inched as far away from Jaejoong as possible on my bed, but I knew it still wasn’t enough to keep me from temptation. I had to do something about it.


After an hour of the literally painful torture, I submitted to the less appealing tile walls of my bathroom and my own hand in order to solve the problem, still panting his name and imagining his face when I fell over the edge. All I could see was raven hair, pale skin and parted lips behind my closed eyelids; the pressure in my chest exploding out as a languid moan I was powerless to hold back. I trembled as if I’d been electrocuted and everything was just Jaejoong Jaejoong Jaejoong until my hand was covered and I was reduced to a pathetic pile of nothing kneeling on my bathroom floor.


I knew I shouldn’t have gone back even when I regained myself, but I had to. The results most likely would have been disastrous if Jaejoong would have woken up to me not by his side, so I quickly cleaned up, splashed my face with cold water for a good five minutes, and then returned to my room.


That was my second big mistake.


I wish I could pretend that I went back to bed sated, no longer thinking of ways to take Jaejoong’s innocence and slept until morning, but I didn’t. No- I didn’t sleep for a single fucking minute last night, and I ended up making a repeat trip to the bathroom before my alarm clock decided to scream at us to get up at 5:30am. The second trip was no more effective than the first, and by the time Jaejoong’s eyes snapped open I could have used another.


The initial confusion written all over Jaejoong’s sleep-hazed face was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen, the only thing surpassing it being the smile he flashed afterwards. His face practically glowed when he recognized me… I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier.


I didn’t have the heart or the energy to pull away from his kisses, so my condition only worsened as the morning wore on and we got ready to leave. Everything I’d meant to tell him was forgotten in favor of trying to keep my body in check and consuming enough caffeine to sustain a small army, but despite my efforts, my eyes still drooped and my pants were still uncomfortable when we reached my office. I really don’t


February 25, 2003

Entry Eighty-Three


I fell asleep on my notebook and woke up to Ryeowook poking my shoulder and calling my name.


Fuck my life.


February 25, 2003

In Addition to Entry Eighty-Three


Dear Whatever Deity I Managed to Piss Off,


I’m truely sorry. I’ve learned my lession and I won’t do whatevevr it was was anymore. I promise to be good form now on.



Jung Yunho


February 25, 2003

Entry Eighty-Four


I’m not even going to try to explain my last few entries. Apparently going without sleep for almost two days and having Jaejoong constantly on my mind is a very dangerous combination. The only reason I have a relatively clear head now is because I passed out some time after Ryeowook’s session ended at 10:45 and woke up to Hyori shaking me around 3:15 with a crying Henry standing behind her (he has severe anxiety and abandonment issues. Go figure.)


“Dr. Jung, Henry-shii’s appointment started five minutes ago. You need to wake up.”


The shaking stopped as I blinked my eyes open, curtains of auburn hair and strong perfume flooding my senses. Hyori fluttered her mascara-covered lashes at me before pulling away and flicking my forehead. “Yah, if you’re this tired you should drink some coffee or something. How long have you even been asleep?” she hissed, arms now crossed and eyebrow raised.


I lifted my head from my desk enough for Henry to come into view, eyes red and puffy with tears streaming down his chubby cheeks. I really, really wanted to kick myself. “Forgive me Henry-ah,” I muttered as I made a futile attempt to fix my bangs. “There is no excuse for my actions.”


Hyori barely hid a scoff by faking a sneeze and Henry just sniffled. “Does this mean you want me to leave?” my patient asked, pain evident in his soft voice, and it vaguely reminded me of someone I knew I shouldn’t have been thinking about all over again.


Before I let my mind wander too far, Henry’s sob snapped me back to reality. “No, no. I’m very glad I woke up in time to see you.”


Not to say that Henry isn’t important, but my session with him wasn’t anything special and isn’t relevant to why I decided to write this as an entry aside from the fact that he was the one who brought my sleeping to Hyori’s attention. I really do enjoy Henry’s presence, but I got him calmed down in no time and went on with the day as normal. The important part of all this came after Henry left and before Jinki came in for the next session.


Hyori was waiting for me right outside my office door, arms crossed and eyes watching Henry as he walked out.


“Something’s wrong with you,” she said bluntly. Her eyes softened in concern and her hand reached out to touch my shoulder, long fingernails resting lightly on the fabric of my shirt as she leaned toward me. “I got suspicious when you didn’t walk Sooyoung out after her session, but I would have never guessed that you fell asleep,” she continued. “What’s going on?”


I wasn’t sure how to answer her, so I opted for the tied-and-true response for any situation you really don’t want to talk about: “It’s nothing Hyori.”


And I guess she was expecting it. “That’s bullshit,” she shot back. Any trace of concern in her face had been replaced with bitterness and her hands were once again perched on her narrow hips. “Jung Yunho, I have known you for almost three years now and never once have I seen you fall asleep in this office. Now I want to know what’s been going on with you this past month and I don’t want any of this ‘it’s nothing’ crap. Forgive me for my tone Yunho-shii, but I’m really worried about you. You’re not like this.”


For what felt like the longest time, I couldn’t say anything. Hyori’s hand slipped from my shoulder down when he little rant was over and every muscle in my arm tensed underneath her light touch. She couldn’t know the truth, but I felt that she at least deserved something.


“I’ve just been really stressed lately,” I admitted with a sigh. “Not sleeping well.”


It was as truthful as I was willing to get with her, and thankfully she accepted my short explanation without question. A sad smile passed over her thin lips, her words softened and touches barely there. “Is there anything I can do to help?” she asked quietly.


I shook my head. “No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”


“… Alright. But if there’s ever anything I can do, just let me know.”


Hyori let go of me then, her fingertips lingering as the slipped completely away from me, and that was when I had an idea.

A/N: ok, so i know i said all that "i'm 100% sure" there will be a new character in this chapter and that you will want to shoot me for it ((you might want to shoot me for a few things in this one anyway)) but after looking over it and being extremely unsatisfied with it's turnout, i decided to go back and gut everything so i could start over and make it better. trust me, the way it was before ended up really rushed and choppy and ugly and no. next chapter really will be it though, since it happens on the 26th and 27th
A/N2: typos in addition to entry 83 are intentional
A/N3: addition to entry 83 was hella fun to write :]
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because the next chapter of hello is done...

and i don't want to post it yet *runs away*

i still need it looked at by a few of my friends and i need to clean it a bit, so it'll be a little while before i'm satisfied enough to post it. that, and i MIGHT combine it with a bit of the next chapter ((this one got so long that the event y'all will shoot me for only got introduced in passing and the new character hasn't made their entrance yet like i'd expected him to. fml.))

i stole this from a meme acutally, but i just wanted to answer them as regular questions all at once ((Because i'm lazy like that)) and i'm curious about what y'all will answer :] maybe i'll learn something new

1. Your favourite K-pop guy group.
hmm... DBSK and suju have been decking it out lately as far as my favorite. musically, i like dbsk better, but suju has a lot more variety ((i mean 15 people. come on <3)) and they are able to show a lot more personality... i think i'd have to say dbsk :3

2. Your favourite K-pop girl group 
f(x)! i love that they're closer to my age and they're... idk. different from other girl groups somehow

3. Your ultimate K-pop guy bias
jaejoong <3 forever and for always
((non ultimant changes all the time though, and it's currently zhou mi <3))

4. Your ultimate K-pop girl bias
amber! she's the main reason i started listening to girl groups at all; tomboys like myself that don't piss me off are hard to come by in celebrity world 

5. Your favourite K-pop song from your favourite guy group:
oh shit.... make me choose.... Always There (Acapella version) it reminds me just how beautiful their voices are together every.time.

6. Your favourite k-pop song from your favourite girl group:
Nu-Abo by f(x) ._. i'm a conformist like that

7. A K-pop song that makes you cry.
not exactly k-pop, but it's by tohoshinki: bolero. it had me bawling like an idiot ;~;

8. A K-pop song that you know all the words to:
balloons by dbsk :D i got that shit DOWN~ ((and most of my friends know the words because of me too xD))

9. Your favouritek-pop performance:
when the audience sang marry U to super junior during their concert <3 it was so sweet and i may or may not love the fact that they cried all over the place

10. Your favourite K-pop dance
genie by snsd, just because i loved seeing suju do it in military uniform

11.Your favourite K-pop boy music video:
lucifer by shinee because, um, hello? taemin <3

12. Your favourite K-pop girl music video
gee by snsd because i always thought mannequins came alive at night when i was little
oh. and minho's in it :]

13. The very first K-pop song you ever heard
rising sun by dbsk :3 i was gone ever since <3

14. A k-pop group you dislike and why
wonder girls. i really don't know why, they just annoy the hell out of me. girl groups in general do actually

15. A k-pop song that makes you smile
rokkugo by suju T and just about anything by suju H

16. Your favourite K-pop fanvid
not really a fanvid, but as close as it gets to me watching one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UwsDyXBPakg

17. Your favourite K-pop lyric (and a translation)
machi neonnareul guwonhake bonaejin geol
It’s as though you were sent to save me

18. A K-pop idol you wish was your older sibling
jinki :3 that would just be shitloads of fun

19. A K-pop idol you wish was your younger sibling
taemin or sulli

20. Your favourite interview of a k-pop idol or group
i'll let you know when i track one down that i can remember ._.

21. Your favourite picture of your guy K-pop bias


beauty at it's finest my friends

22. Your favourite picture of your girl k-pop bias

not just her, but i love it to pieces x3

23. Your favourite picture of your favourite k-pop group

ignore that it looks like jaejoong is wearing a lacey bra ._.

24. Other K-pop groups you like
big bang, and the rest are solo artist but they aren't groups so... yeah

25. Your favourite cover of a k-pop song by another k-pop artist
gee by super junior :]

27. Your favourite dance battle
thiss'n right here

28. your favourite cover of an American song by a k-pop artist

can't decide between "it's raining men" by changmin and jae or "i have nothing" by JYJ
one's beautiful, the other made me lol so hard i cried ((and it made my life <3))

29. A k-pop song you never get tired of
Triangle by dbsk

30. A k-pop idol that has amazing eye smiles
donghae <3

um also, letters from war is continuing to go mowhere :/ i'd put it on hiatus, but if i do that i know i'll never take it off so! just bear with me <3 i'm trying

Happy Birthday nadia!

since i missed it yesterday and i love her so, i'm giving moon1084  a bigass HAPPY BIRTHDAY and you a brand new chapter of hello :DD

Title: Hello
Length: [8/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7}

“I heard they were in love…”


“Such a beautiful girlfriend…”


“Threw everything away because of him…”


“He did marvelous work…”


“A real sweet heart…”


“Torn apart, just like that…”


February 19, 2003

Entry Seventy-Two


I feel like my entry from yesterday can be misunderstood. No, I did not use my meeting with Jaejoong’s mother just to have my way with Jaejoong; I actually would like to monitor Jaejoong’s sleep patterns. There’s just… a little bit extra that I want to do in order to motivate him to keep coming back. Alright, that doesn’t sound much better, but honestly there’s no ill intent in my plan. I draw the line at kissing (maybe groping if he does exceptionally well,) and I’m going to do everything in my power to keep it that way. I really do want this to help Jaejoong, not corrupt him any more than I already have.


February 19, 2003

Entry Seventy-Three


Jaejoong’s mother called about an hour ago. Jaejoong came home and agreed to come in tomorrow.


February 20, 2003

Entry Seventy-Four


I have a mixed feeling about the events of today.


I don’t think anyone could possibly understand how good it felt to see Jaejoong’s beautiful face again after so long. Truthfully, he looked reluctant to be there and wouldn’t meet my gaze at all at first, but shaking him out of it wasn’t all that hard when I told him my plans.


“I want you to stay with me for a few nights,” I told him when nothing else seemed to get a response from him.


His eyes widened out of their half-closed state and he finally turned his head to look at me. “You do?” he breathed out.


The loose white sweater covering Jaejoong’s torso slipped a bit to reveal a broad, slightly bruised shoulder and I found myself unable to look away from it. This whole “self-control” thing was getting off to a pretty bad start.


“Your mother told me that you often have trouble sleeping, so I want to monitor you for a few nights. Would that be okay?”


He turned away again. Instead of the reaction I had expected, Jaejoong’s face fell and he curled himself tighter into his ball. “So… it’s not because you want to see me…” he muttered into his arms.


“That’s not true Jaejoong. The reason why I’m doing this myself instead of handing it off to a specialist is so I can see you more often, but I want to help you too. That’s what this is all about.” It took every shred of my will power not to reach out to touch him, and each passing second made it harder for me to hold back. I wanted to feel him- to know that he was really here after so long and to make sure he knew that I was here for him as well. To lose this trust we had built would surely crush the both of us, and I couldn’t let that happen. If Jaejoong ends up like Heechul… I don’t know what I would do. He’s already distant enough, and the lack of a response scared me to death, but finally he lifted his head from his arms and stared at the corner where “he” was supposedly lurking.


Jaejoong’s eyes stayed fixed on the spot for a long time before he spoke, his voice barely audible even in the silence. “Can I still kiss you?” he asked.


“If you agree to this and I feel that we’re making progress, then yes, you can kiss me all you want,” I answered quickly.


His eyes softened and I couldn’t help the smile tugging at my lips, hope bubbling in my chest as he opened his mouth to speak again. “You promise?”


“I promise.”


He looked skeptical for a moment, but quickly returned his face to its blank slate. Silence consumed us once again as he shifted slightly in his seat, pulling lightly at his white sleeve before catching it between his teeth and asking another question. “…Can I kiss you now?”


“Do you agree to my terms?”




“Then close your eyes.”


I pulled him closer, and our lips met like it was the first time I’d ever kissed him. Blinding sweetness exploded over my senses, knocking me breathless with just a simple touch flesh. His arms wrapped around my neck and before I knew it, my tongue was pushing past his lips, tasting the boy I’d missed so much. He molded perfectly into my body as a breathy moan fanned out between us, every curve pulling away where I stuck out. He was beautiful. Even in the darkness of our closed eyelids I could see that. His tongue was the perfect mixture of submission with a hint of suppressed dominance and I couldn’t help biting down on it lightly when it peaked into my mouth.


He drew back slightly with a soft gasp, his nails digging into my neck at the pain, but he didn’t protest or push me away; he just froze. Not the rigid, terrified kind of freeze, but the kind that results from not knowing what to do next. Jaejoong was entirely at my will at that moment, and God did I want to take advantage of it. There was no doubt in my mind that he would have let me do anything to him… so I pulled my self away.


“I glad you decided to agree Jaejoong,” I said rather breathlessly. “I really think this will help you.”


Jaejoong stayed still and kept his eyes shut. “Will you bite me again?” he asked.


And quite frankly, that was where my mind completely failed. Jaejoong had asked me an innocent question and all I could do was fantasize about how I wanted to push him back onto the couch and bite him everywhere. For all I know he could very well not have liked to be bitten at all, so I decided to take the safe route out when words finally came back to me.


I cleared my throat and crossed my legs in attempt to adjust my suddenly uncomfortable pants, but both were in vain; pants were still too tight and my voice still sounded stupid. “No, I won’t do that anymore,” I choked out. “Sorry.”


Jaejoong still remained motionless. “Oh,” he said blankly.


Whether it was a good “oh” or a disappointed “oh,” I really couldn’t tell. His face was a blank mask even when he opened his eyes again and stared straight at me.


The atmosphere got horribly awkward after that, but apparently it was exactly what I needed to calm myself down. After only a few short minutes, I was thinking clearly enough to ask him a few questions (professional ones, yes) and found out that he doesn’t remember his biological father or his adoptive father at all. He doesn’t remember the abuse, and he doesn’t remember why he was taken from his parents. All he can recall is that his biological mother didn’t want him anymore and that he liked the man who took him away from them (whom I assumed was his social worker.)


“He had a really funny laugh,” was all Jaejoong would say about him until about ten minutes later after I had moved on from the subject.


“We have wings,” he blurted out somewhere in the middle of me asking about what he liked to eat for dinner. (It was relevant; I had to know if he would be staying at my house for a week.)


I stopped in mid-sentence and tilted my head. “Wings?” I echoed slowly.


“Yeah,” Jaejoong affirmed. “Look.” Before I could get another word in, Jaejoong had turned to face away from me, flipped the back of his white shirt over his head, and extended his shoulder blades almost all in one movement. The sharp bones jutted clearly from underneath his pale skin, perfectly framing trails of faded pink scars that led from the base of his neck to the middle of his back. Had Jaejoong not been emphasizing the worst of the marks with his “angel wings,” I probably would have missed them. They were mostly faded from years of wear and the miraculous healing ability of a child’s skin… I could only imagine how horrible the marks must have been fourteen years ago.


Without realizing it, my hand slowly reached out for him, moving centimeters at a time until my fingertips touched his back. Jaejoong shuddered almost violently at the touch, but he didn’t try to get away. Instead he lapsed into taking deep, shuddering breaths as I slowly traced each and every scar. I don’t know when the teardrop fell from my eye.


“How did you get these?” I breathed out.


Jaejoong stayed silent aside from his breathing- a long, shuddering movement that made my heart want to commit suicide. He didn’t deserve this… he didn’t deserve any of it.


“He tried to take my wings away,” Jaejoong finally muttered. I felt the words more than heard them.


“Who did?” I asked, staring hard at his back as I began to move my fingers again.


Jaejoong shifted. “He did.”


“The man who took you from your parents?”


“No. He did. The other one wanted to protect them. He said that he had them too, but they were invisible.”


Jaejoong looked over his shoulder at the floor beside us and I was finally able to see the hauntingly blank look in his dark eyes. They held such a terrible nothingness in them I was forced to look away. “Do you remember his name? The one who wanted to protect your wings?” I asked before pressing my entire hand against his back, fingers splaying out until each of them were perfectly aligned with the beginnings of five long trails.


“He was special.”


I brushed my fingers down, barely touching his skin with the tip of my nails. “Special how?”


He never answered.


February 21, 2003

Entry Seventy-Five


The encounter with Jaejoong yesterday made me think about things.


This boy is incredibly fragile- that much I’ve known from the beginning. His condition has put him through years of suffering, but there’s no doubt in my mind that it was the result of years of suffering too. Schizophrenia is a tricky thing really: it’s much more common than people would think, but there’s no certain cause for it. Some say that it’s genetic, some say it’s from cruel parental treatment or neglect as a child, and some say it’s a mixture of both; one can’t cause the disorder without the other.


What I know about Jaejoong’s birth parents is incredibly limited, but today (and on into this weekend) I plan to dig a bit deeper to find out as much as I can. It’s obvious that the cruel parental treatment and neglect were present when Jaejoong was still with his biological parents, I just don’t know exactly to what extent he was abused or if there is any history of schizophrenia in his family.


As much as I would have loved for those things to have already been documented and put on Jaejoong’s file, that information seemed to have fallen through the cracks when he was put through the adoption system. It happens, and there isn’t all that much anyone can do about it now, but I asked Mrs. Kim to leave the name and number of the social worker who took Jaejoong’s case fourteen years ago when she drops him off today. I just hope it doesn’t lead me to a dead end.


February 21, 2003

Entry Seventy-Six


I made arrangements with Jaejoong and his mother for him to stay for a week under my watch starting Monday. Until then, he will attend our regular sessions and continue to do so afterwards (and during if he chooses.) I admit that I’m a bit nervous about him staying the night at my house, but I know this is a necessary step in getting Jaejoong back to a normal life. As long as I can control myself there should be no problems.


I can do this.


February 23, 2003

Entry Seventy-Eight


Although today is my day off, I decided to do some extra work; it’s not like I have anything else to do.


I made several calls first thing in the morning: two to Hyori to make sure she had the new scheduling sorted out, four to the pharmacist to check up on my patient’s medications and alter a few prescriptions, and one to the number Mrs. Kim gave me on Friday. Thankfully it’s still a working number, but I only got a standard voicemail recording instead of speaking with the social worker. My name and number are on the machine now though, so I can only hope that it’s still the man’s number and that he will return my call soon.


On a similar note, Siwon-shii called somewhere around one or two-ish this afternoon to tell me that Heechul was out of the hospital and doing fine, and that he wanted Heechul to start attending his sessions with me again as soon as possible. Next week seemed to be the winner.


Aish… I’m so scatterbrained on Sundays. You’d think having a day off from speaking to the mentally insane would help me think more clearly…


Still, there’s work to be done in order to prepare for Jaejoong’s stay, and doing this isn’t helping with any of it. Mirrors need to be taken down, furniture needs to be covered, pictures need to be turned, my guest room has to be set up. So so much to do…


February 24, 2003

Entry Seventy-Nine


Today it begins. Jaejoong is switching times with Ryeowook for this week so he has the last session of the day and can go directly home with me in the evenings. Come 9:02pm, my real challenge starts.


February 24, 2003

Entry Eighty


It’s cute really: I never meant to play match-maker, but for two of my patients that seemed to be the case. Lee Hyukjae (or Eunhyuk as he prefers) is my second to last patient of the day, right before Kim Ryeowook, and stays behind every day after his session to see Ryeowook in the five short minutes they have between their sessions. Today though, was a bit different for them; Eunhyuk waited in the lobby like always, talking quietly to Hyori and subconsciously rubbing his skinny wrists as he waited, but instead of Ryeowook coming in at 7:30, it was Jaejoong who made an appearance.


He met with Ryeowook in a similar fashion when Kim Jongwoon moved out of the country and Eunhyuk had taken his place. Ryeowook was devastated at first, crying throughout his entire session when I told him Jongwoon wouldn’t be coming back. He became friends with Eunhyuk not long after though, and six months ago officially started dating.


Normally relationships like theirs are discouraged, and often not even allowed by their psychiatrist to start with, but I believe that they’re good for each other in more ways than just compatibility. Having similar disorders (Ryeowook with severe anorexia nervosa and Eunhyuk with Body Dysmorphic Disorder*) has actually proven to be a benefit instead of a hindrance like I’d originally suspected, and I’ve seen radical improvements ever since they started spending time together outside of my office. Eunhyuk has started dancing again (although it’s only been by himself or in front of Ryeowook and they have yet to successfully make it to a mirrored studio) and Ryeowook has gained around four pounds in the past month (before I was lucky if he gained one.) He’s kept it on too, and even started cooking again. They’re wonderful together; telling each other to eat more, encouraging, loving… They are the distraction the other needs from obsessive behavior and the reminder for things they would normally neglect like eating properly and taking medication.


It’s remarkable- truly and wonderfully remarkable how much they’ve improved because they found each other. I think that… maybe the one you love is the one thing that can make or break a person- sane or insane all the same.

*Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a disorder where the person is excessively concerned with a particular part of their body or a body as a whole that they think has something wrong with it ((looks horrible, defect ect...)) and it's often associated with eating disorders because of the similar anxieties with body image

A/N: ok, so this isn't actually the chapter that you all will shoot me for, but i'm 100% certain that the next one will be. it just gives a bit of insight to Jae's abuse and starts their homestay :] and yes, i know, eunwook= wtf? but i didn't know who to use as the side pairing so i asked my biffle angelwitch1287 to pick two suju members and one disorder, and this is what she gave me :]
oh, and new character in the next chapter too! take a guess at who it is and as always PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT <3

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suprisingly human

Title: Suprisingly Human
Length: Drabble
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Leeteuk-centric, Implied and very ninja!kangteuk
Rating: PG-13 for language 
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD movies, not fics
Summary: No, he is not in fact the perfect leader everyone has made him out to be...
Author's Note: um. i fucking LOVE leeteuk, i just think that he can be a closet bitch like everyone else. this is one of my favorite oneshots that i've written, and again it was tapped out on my itouch around 2 or 3 in the morning.

There are some times when Eeteuk just wants to absolutely fucking scream at people because no, he is not in fact the perfect leader and people do get mad at him for more than just the hell of it. Sometimes he says the wrong things and doesn't take them back like he should, and sometimes he doesn't make everything better by flashing that cutesy little dimpled smile of his. Sometimes he gets mad enough to break things- screams and cries just because he can and the pressure is too much.

He knows he isn't perfect and really he doesn't try nearly as much as the world thinks he does; he's just good at playing the part. There are times when the others scream that they hate him and actually mean it, but he’ll still think he's right because they pissed him off enough for him to stop caring about their problems. He can sit in his room alone after a particularly nasty fight with someone (possibly even made them cry) and still defend himself even though he knows it's his fault.


He’s felt an overwhelming sense of pride, of wrath, of vanity, and even of lust before. He’s felt selfishness and anger, sorrow and hatred, some provoked and some just there. He’s felt self-righteous, felt the need to lie and cheat and say things to hurt on purpose just so he can feel better than someone else. And he’s acted on all of them behind closed doors because he’s been forced to lock those feelings away in front of the camera- because no one can see him for who he is, and no one would believe it if they did.

He's thought about dying before and thought that no one would miss Park Jungsu.

He's stared at a blade and wondered what it would feel like against his skin- what it would feel like after the world went dark and everything had finally fallen apart. He's wondered less why there are days when he likes the idea so much.

His face really can contort into a scowl that's not cute or playful. He really can put ice and hate and fury into his glares that make Donghae never want to speak to him again. He can even slap Kangin in the face without feeling instant regret.

He isn't always Super Junior's angelically perfect leader: not always the Leeteuk or Teukie-oppa that everyone has created in their minds for him to be.

Sometimes… he's just human.

A/N: letters from war has gotten nowhere :/ hello is going slow. as far as hello updates go, i have one chapter ready to post at the moment, but i'm not going to until i get a bit more written afterwards so the gap between updates won't be as large ((which means that you guys are finally caught up to where i'm writing! D:)) it'll be up in the next two weeks at the lastest, next week if i'm in a good mood.
A/N2: oh, and ALL chapters of hello have broken 1000 hits except for the latest. chapter 1 is at exactly 2000

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addition to my LFW post

i also meant to post this when i put up my Letters From War update, but i completely forgot about it in my rush to get out of the house x_X
anyway, my lovely agapekamisama made some graphics for me for the fic. she does amazing work, especially considering what she was given to work with <3 there are more on the way from her too, we just have no idea when they'll be finished lol. apparently this fic has been killing her muse as much as it has mine, but if you could drop a comment to tell us what you think, it would be an excellent motivator for the both of us <33

oh! and the next chapter of hello is finished, i just have to decide when to put it up. lack of comments push the date backwards, just so you know ;]

the banner:
graphic from kayla 

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i give a million thanks to my kayla for doing them for me <333
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