(no subject)

well, this is freakishly long overdue, but here it is anyway. it just came to me out of nowhere ((long after i finished watching PTB)) and i wrote it in about 30 minutes :| it's been burning a hole in my flashdrive for a few months now and i'm honestly not sure why i didn't post it earlier. i just didn't.

Title: Cheap Replacement
Length: One-shot
Pairing: Jaejoong/Jisung, YunJae
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, smut
Summary: Even when he's with Jisung, Jaejoong can't help thinking of someone else.
Author's Note: the title isn't implying that i think jiseong is cheap in any way. i love him hardcore

There are no second thoughts.

All it took was working together, filming together, fighting and rolling around on the floor together for Jaejoong to find a hand on his half hard cock and Jiseong’s breath on his lips whispering more more more.

From the beginning fans said that you would look good together, and they were right: you fit together better than missing puzzle pieces and Jiseong’s lips feel heavenly against your naked skin as you tumble into his bed, script forgotten somewhere on the floor and clothes forgotten not long after.

He breathes out how good you look- how that scene will be impossible to get right on the first take without jumping each other in front of Kanghee and hundreds of cameras.

You agree with a breathless moan and thread fingers through his hair. Use that pretty mouth of yours for something better.

The foreplay comes easy because you’re familiar with it. So familiar, even though it’s different from getting off while rolling in the sheets with Yoochun or pounding out your frustrations with Junsu. With Jiseong… it’s natural. Something you haven’t felt for a really long time.

His hands are strong as they turn you the way he wants and his voice caresses you with pure bass vibrations, heated lips trailing down your spine. He asks if this is your first time and of course you answer no, but it’s been a while.

The first intrusions hurt before they start to feel good enough to make you feel a loss. You beg for more- practically scream for it- and he gives it to you with only teasing hesitation. The slide is easy and he lays gentle kisses all over your skin to make it better, but that’s when you start to lose sight of who you’re with.

Jiseong fucks you good and you know it; the deep slide and pressure in all the right places is all you can ask for, but somehow it’s not enough. Jiseong’s face doesn’t fit the part anymore, and it stops pushing your towards the edge.

Somewhere along the line fake moans infiltrate the real ones and take over, but his pace is getting erratic and you’re hyper-aware of the fact that you aren’t a woman- you don’t quite have the luxury of being able to fake it like they do.

His grip on your thighs tightens with each exhale of your name Jaejoong-ah, fuck, Jae and even though his voice isn’t quite the right pitch, it’s close enough for your mind to start wandering into forbidden territory. Jiseong’s face fades, and once it’s replaced, you feel the spark again. The burn of longing and the desire to please well up inside of you, forcing his name from your lips as your orgasm hits you hard and your come stains Jiseong’s stilling hand. Yunho~

It takes a while after the stars stop exploding behind your eyes and your breath catches up to your racing heart for you to realize that Jiseong’s stopped moving completely. His lips are silent. Your body is empty.

When you find the strength to turn and rise up on your elbows, his eyes are cold- betrayed.

Jiseong I’m s-

It’s fine.

Even though the sweat running into your eyes makes the world slightly blurry, it’s plain to see that while his lips say one thing, his face says another and it most definitely is not fine.

You know you blew it. You had a shot to move forward and get on with your life, but you blew it all to hell and back because he just will not leave you alone.

Some far-back part of your brain registers that Jiseong told you he was going to take a shower. Another tells you to nod, and yet another takes that as your cue to leave, but you don’t. You can’t.

It’s not until he returns that you can move at all, and you walk right through his longing gaze as you put your clothes on on autopilot.

You take out your phone as you walk down the stairs and dial the only number you can.



A/N: i know i changed POV after the first paragraph. it was intentional. and i probably changed tenses somewhere, probably even multiple times. it's unedited.
A/N2: plus i'm reformatting some stuff because i got annoyed with myself. not sure if it'll stick

Suju Fic Challenge: Smoke

Title: Smoke
Status: Fic 25/100
Length: One-shot (broken into two entries)
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Can be read as Leeteuk/Anybody, written with Leeteuk/Shindong in mind
Rating: R
Genre: Angst
Warnings: obvious use of alcohol, inexplicit smut, some language
Summary: Youngwoon is gone and Jungsu is desperate to reach out to anybody
A/N: i really love this one for some reason. it's actually one of my favorites that i've written <3  it took me one day over a year to finally get it perfect, and for once i'm actually satisfied with the outcome :'] i'm not really sure why i did the dialog in italics, but it just felt right to do it that way.
My Challenge Archive

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Title: Hello
Length: 12/?
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. please do not take anything you learn from this fic as absolute fact; i take a lot of artistic liberty, have a lot of inaccuracies, romanticize a mental illness, and play with the lines of consent and legality
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7} {Chapter 8} {Chapter 9} {Chapter 10a} {Chapter 10b} {Chapter 11}

“Completely lost control…”

“Should have seen it coming…”

“It all happened so fast…”

“Blood everywhere. Absolutely everywhere…”

“Worst thing that could happen…”

“He knew better…”


It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be to keep myself in check throughout the day. Sure, there were a few moments when I just wanted to strip Jaejoong down and take him on the spot, but every time I thought about it guilt from my night with Hyori would taint any desire I once had.

Jaejoong remained quiet throughout most of the morning, his kisses light and touches sparse… except for his right hand. It hardly broke contact with me for a second since he first woke up and grabbed onto my wrist, almost as if he needed to be grounded to me to keep me from flying away. Of course, the constant contact made working a little difficult at times, and I was forced to pry his desperate fingers off when the need for two free hands was too great. At those times his eyes would suddenly go wild, frantically darting around the room before settling in a remote corner and staring until my skin was touching his once again.

“What do you see Jaejoong?” I asked when my curiosity finally became too much to suppress. I resisted the urge to take the young boy’s hand again as it started to tremble and his eyes fixed on the same corner of the room they had twice before.

“He’s still here,” Jaejoong whispered, his voice shaking almost as badly as his hands. Sharp nails bit into his palms, and a wild desperation punctuated the raw fear in his eyes; my empty hand was no more than five inches away from him, yet for some reason he didn’t reach for it. My curiosity peaked when Jaejoong slowly straightened his fingers out toward me, only to recoil them as if he’d been shocked. His lips parted and trembled, but no words came out when he moved them- just silence as he let his mind run wild. Whatever this hallucination was, it was terrifying him beyond belief. 

As his condition is now, Jaejoong can’t deal with the vast amounts of anxiety his hallucination brings. Just the thought of it debilitates him (some days worse than others,) and getting past this fear could open up a whole new world for him- a world that I desperately want him to see. But he can’t do this on his own; he needs me. Jaejoong needs me.

I took a brief look around the room before my eyes settled back on Jaejoong’s rigid form, his hand still suspended in midair and lips still parted. “Where is he now Jaejoong?” I asked as I carefully put more distance between my hand and his body, watching as he began to shake harder.

His eyes practically screamed in horror at the waning proximity, but still he did nothing to change it. Even his voice was noticeably more unstable, his trembling lips forming whispers I could barely catch. “He’s still watching us,” Jaejoong breathed out. “He’s always been watching us. He won’t stop.”

My patient’s fixed gaze told me more than his words, but I interpreted his incoherency all the same. “It’s okay Jaejoong,” I assured, not yet taking his hand. “I’m right here; he can’t hurt you.”

“He’s waiting for you to leave again,” Jaejoong snapped. “He knows you’ll leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I sw-”

“You left me with him before!”

Jaejoong snapped his head around to face me, anger that I had never seen before pulsing in his dark eyes. I couldn’t imagine what he meant by it, but his entire body had gone deathly still, and for the first time, he stared directly into my eyes. His chest heaved with tight breaths, the warm air ghosting over my face and surrounding me with his presence.

“You left me with him,” he repeated darkly, but I ignored it.

“Jaejoong…” I whispered- my voice delicate, careful. “What does he look like?”


All this time…

My mouth opened, air rushing out of my lungs without words to accompany them as tension spilled into the tight space between us. His eyes held me in place, helpless to do anything but absorb the fierce anger in his usually delicate eyes.

My mind was in shambles, racing with possibilities and hopeless solutions. I couldn’t even begin to fathom what I was supposed to do next, but I didn’t have to- not yet.

Out of nowhere, the doorbell rang, startling us out of our haze and jerking us apart. All traces of hostility in Jaejoong’s face instantly vanished and his child-like fear returned, his wide eyes immediately looking away from his reflection. My throat had impossibly tightened, choking off my breath and leaving my brain to oxygen-deprived to think clearly. But the doorbell rang again, and I managed a soft whisper before going to the door. “I’ll be… right back, okay?” I said weakly as I rose to my feet and turned away.

“Promise?” he called after me.

“Yeah… I promise.”

I can’t really say that I expected Donghae to come by, but there he was, standing in my doorway with all his cheerful glory bright, shiny and on display while I was barely able to stay on my lead feet. I had no time to dwell on what had just happened because of his arrival, and in a way I was partially glad for the distraction.

I only managed to force out a smile when I opened the door before Donghae barreled ahead, speaking before I had much time to process who he was.

“Good morning Dr. Jung,” he greeted as he dipped into a bow and came back up with a grin. A small prescription bag dangled from his right hand, rattling slightly as he moved to hand it to me. “I noticed that this hadn’t been picked up for a while when I was making my deliveries and wasn’t really sure what you wanted me to do with it. I hope you don’t mind that I brought it here.”

The bag fell lightly into my outstretched hand (when had I done that?), and rattled softly as I stared at it. “Um. No. That’s… fine Donghae-shii,” I stuttered. “Uh, thank you?”

His smile stretched further at my thanks, but he didn’t move to leave like I expected. Instead, he leaned slightly to the side as if trying to look behind me. “Is everything alright Dr. Jung?” he asked.

Electricity skated across my skin, every nerve awakening with panic as a rock of guilt dropped into my stomach. It was enough for me to temporarily remember myself- remember the situation that Donghae couldn’t see. Without much extra thought, I brought the door closer to me and used my body to block his view of whatever he was trying to look for. If he found out Jaejoong was here… it would only lead to a whole new set of unwanted complications. “Yes,” I answered shortly as I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why?”

He glanced up at my sharp answer and his smile slipped away “What I mean is, are you feeling okay? It’s unlike you to miss a day,” he amended with wide, hurt eyes just as the insanity of it all struck me.

Air rushed out of my lungs as I closed my eyes and tried to get rational thoughts back in my head. “I’m fine Donghae,” I repeated softly. “I was just feeling a little sick this morning. Thank you for your concern.”

The young boy eyed me uncertainly for a few moments longer, lips pressed together and gaze searching before he bowed again- this time much more slowly and executed with an air of caution. “I hope you feel better then Dr. Jung. If there’s anything else you need, just let me know,” he offered. The boy tried for a smile, but the slight incline of his lips fell away quickly and lacked any of his normal sincerity. Mine was no better.

Even after Donghae had left and the door was shut, I couldn’t move beyond the doorframe. My face pressed against the chilled wooden barrier and my legs felt too weak to support me, even with the door’s help. What just… happened?

Donghae just dropped off medications: that was nothing out of the ordinary. But this suspicion… this anxiety… Where was it coming from all of a sudden?

Standing in the doorway did nothing to spark answers, but I knew I had to go back eventually- with answers or without them.

After five minutes and several deep breaths, I forced myself to return to Jaejoong as if nothing had happened at all. A fake smile graced my lips and the prescription Donghae had given me fell carelessly somewhere on the nightstand to be forgotten. Jaejoong looked up at my entrance with a blank face.

“I’m sorry about that Jaejoong-ah. It was just something from work and… um. Work related things,” I muttered, attempting to mask my incoherency by taking Jaejoong’s frozen hand.

I tried my best to push the strangeness to the back of my mind as I continued to speak with Jaejoong, and I (very, very gratefully) had him smiling at me again in less than half an hour- any and all abnormalities seemingly forgotten. I didn’t even think much of it myself until I began to write this entry, but I believe it was for the better; dwelling on it would have only served as a distraction to what I really wanted to accomplish that day. Besides, I can always document it and come back to it later when both of us are a little more prepared for it.

What I did get accomplished was quite a bit more beneficial to both of us: I spoke with him for hours, and slid in simple tests along the way- some he was aware of, some he was not. It was normal. Comfortable.

Jaejoong’s face twitched with confusion as I brought my laptop into the room and sat it in front of him, his earlier fear of losing contact with me apparently forgotten as my presence drifted away. “What’s this for?” he asked, barely sparing a glance at the device as it whirred to life.

“I just want to show you something,” I answered semi-truthfully. Silence fell over us aside from the soft clicking of keys and was only broken when the program I had in mind finished loading.

Four letters appeared on the screen, all the same size and font, but in no particular order. We started off simple; L, B, T, R.

Jaejoong stared at the letters with narrowed eyes for a moment and scrunched his nose in distaste when I asked him what they were, but he read them off with no problems. “Do I have to do this?” he asked after reading the letters to me. “Micky and Choikang said this is stupid.”

I forced a smile and brushed my fingers over the back of his hand. “Just hang in there, okay? This is really important.”

Skepticism played with Jaejoong’s features, but he returned his gaze to the computer just in time for it to flash white and show four new letters- these ones broken and disfigured. “Jaejoong-ah, can you remember what those first four letters were?” I asked, carefully watching his face and readying my pen to scribble down a check mark or an x.

As I expected, Jaejoong narrowed his eyes once again (this time most likely in concentration) and remained silent. I could practically see the severed wires firing off in Jaejoong’s head- all of them desperately trying to relay a message he’ll most likely never receive.

Resigning to this observation, Jaejoong hung his head in defeat. “I don’t remember,” he whispered, confirming that the blank flash has served its purpose. “I’m sorry…”

“That’s okay,” I soothed as I leaned in to press my lips against his temple and slashed an x in my notes. “Just try again with the next one.”

And so my little experiment went on; letters, distraction, new disfigured letters, failed answer, scribbled x, and Jaejoong’s reward for trying. I tried my best to keep from prolonging the torture while still making the test long enough to confirm that he wasn’t doing any better as it went on, but there was only so much I could save him from.

Visual backwards masking tests generally don’t take very long, but I had to repeat the test with a variety of different letter/number/pattern configurations to see if Jaejoong’s ability to remember the initial images improved with repetition, which (in this case) it did not. This kind of result is typical for schizophrenics like Jaejoong, and along with my other tests and previous observations, it fully supported my initial diagnoses. I drew this conclusion just in time too- the anxiety of being unable to correctly answer any of my questions was driving Jaejoong to his breaking point.

The heels of his hands were pressed hard against the sides of his head by the time I closed my laptop and leaned in to give him his final reward kiss. “It’s okay Jaejoong,” I muttered. “We don’t have to do any more today.”

My patient’s frail body leaned into my awaiting arms and his eyes screwed shut. “They hate this,” he said darkly. “They say I’m stupid. If I keep doing this, he’ll find out, and they don’t want you to know.”

Despite being utterly confused, I held Jaejoong’s body close to mine and let his lips brush against my neck as he spoke. “Know what?” I asked.

“About him. He doesn’t want you to know who he is.”

Back to this again.

Maybe I thought it would be better dealt with on another day, or maybe I just wanted to avoid the subject for as long as possible. Either way, I tried to shove the discussion back down as soon as it came up. “Don’t think about him right now Jae,” I whispered into his hair. “He can’t hurt you here; you said it yourself. I’ll protect you.”

My words couldn’t have been more sincere, and their intentions slowly penetrated Jaejoong’s fear and helped dissolve it away. He relaxed in my arms and ‘he’ wasn’t brought up again for the rest of the day.

It was nice being able to stay at home all day like that, especially since I got to spend it with Jaejoong. Even though a lot of his conversations with me strayed from coherency, I still feel like I got to know him more than I ever could have with just one hour a day.

Jaejoong… has a deep-rooted affection for me. I guess I’ve known that for a while now, but today it became glaringly obvious that I’m the sole focus of it.

“I don’t have any friends,” he told me. “Micky and Xiah are my friends sometimes, but Choikang wants to hit me all the time. No one else is nice to me.”

“What about U-know?”

“…He’s different.”

And I left it at that, too afraid to ask about myself. I already know that we’ve both gotten in too deep- maybe even past the point of no return- but hearing it said out loud would make it all too real, and for now, I’m not ready to handle that. I got a lot accomplished today; there’s no need to ruin that with something so irrelevant to his condition.

February 28, 2003
Entry Ninety-Five

Long nights are grueling. Especially long nights of thinking too hard about things you never should have gotten involved with in the first place. My mind is in shambles, and I can’t sleep.

I kept my word to Jaejoong about giving him rewards for cooperation, so I decided that for an entire day’s worth of cooperation, he deserved a pretty big reward. After a quick evaluation of my own self control (just in case he asked to sleep with me again tonight,) I took a hesitant step into the topic of him having a choice.

“I’m really glad that you went along with all of my evaluations today Jaejoong,” I said as he returned from the shower and curled up against my side. “You did really well.” He seemed to take no mind to my comment, just rested his still wet head against my shoulder and absently played with my fingers. “Don’t you think you deserve a reward for that?” I proded.

At first he didn’t respond. His fingers slipped between the spaces in mine and held our intwined hands up towards the light for better examination. Seemingly satisfied, he smiled and returned them to my lap. “Do I get to choose again?” he asked, to which I nodded and kissed his forehead.

“Anything you want.”

I should have known that saying such words was like signing a death warrant, but in my defense, I was expecting him to make a similar request to last night’s. Not this.

Before I really had any idea of what Jaejoong had in mind, he was already shifting to get out of my hold and toss a leg over my hips. Our hands stayed tightly laced together as he closed his eyes and pressed an opened-mouthed kiss to my lips, which I greedily returned. The warning signals weren’t quite registering even as he pressed his hips against mine and the movement was gradual, but unrelenting. We’d made out before. We’d done a bit of (mostly) shameless grinding and groping before. I honestly wasn’t expecting it to go much farther.

Call me an idiot, or blind, or stupid, or whatever, but I wasn’t at all expecting Jaejoong’s hand to slip into my pants and brush his cold fingers against my throbbing need. An instant shock of electricity exploded beneath my skin, making all of my senses go haywire and my brain stutter. Before I could properly react, his hand pressed against me again and my mind went blank.

Jaejoong,” I hissed.

He pressed his mouth to mine and bit down on my bottom lip, drawing a moan from deep within my throat and pushing my desire into overdrive. “Jaejoong… What are you… We don’t- God- we don’t have to… do this,” I choked out between kisses.

“This is what I want,” he breathed against my lips, ministrations not pausing for a second. “Micky said I wasn’t good enough, so I want to try again.”

I protested. “Micky’s wrong. You’re more than good enough,” I said as I half-heartedly tried to roll him off me.

But Jaejoong persisted. “I have to prove it,” he shot back. “I have to show him. He won’t listen.”

“You don’t have to prove anything.” The words came to me automatically, but even though my lips said no, my body was saying anything but: my hands were still threaded in his hair and desperately clinging to the fingers of his free hand, and my hips were still jerking up to meet his icy touch.

“I want to,” he whispered, voice low and full of forbidden longing. “You like it too, don’t you?”

God yes.

“N-no. We can’t. Not this. Jaejoong please.”

I wished more than anything that he could have look into my eyes then- that he could have seen the desperation pouring from them and trying in vain to drown my growing desire. It would have made things so much easier if he just understood why this was so wrong. It was different from kissing- different from cuddling with each other or flashing warm smiles while he lay in my arms. This was too much.

Despite my protests, Jaejoong’s hand kept moving. Up and down, stroking my skin until all I could do was cling to him and gasp for breath. My lips parted in a silent plea as my head fell back to scream it to the heavens, but the only thing that came out was a breathless moan. No matter what I did, the sounds just kept coming, one after another until they blended into a continuous string of incoherency that I was helpless to control.

His fingers never lost their chill even as they stroked me to the edge of completion. Just one more second of his touch and I would have lost it, but he pulled away before the first wave could hit. I could have screamed at the sudden loss of sensation, and I probably would have if I hadn’t seen the look on Jaejoong’s face when he sat back on his heels.

All emotion had completely vanished from his eyes, the dark orbs becoming nothing more than infinite voids of charcoal staring at my chest. Even his grip on my hand went slack, and my desire was quickly fading.

“This is not the same,” he whispered to no one.

“What’s not?” I responded. Although the clouds of lust in my mind were rapidly dissipating, I was still boarder-line incoherent and my voice still scratched at the back of my throat. I couldn’t make any sense of why Jaejoong had suddenly stopped or why he was staring or what he’d said, so I just watched and waited for an answer that would never come as I willed my body to get back under control.

For a moment, I thought I might actually get off the hook. Blood was quickly returning to the head on my shoulders and Jaejoong seemed to have lost interest in using his hands to drive me crazy, but the moment was short-lived. Just as suddenly as he’d stopped, Jaejoong jerked forward and crushed our lips back together in a bruising kiss, sighing against me as his hands returned to my skin.

Had he not caught me off guard, I wouldn’t have let it happen at all. So, with the little bit of sensibility I gained back during the brief pause, I made the decision to gently push Jaejoong away and still his eager hand. “Jaejoong… We have to stop now,” I breathed out, making sure that he couldn’t disobey me by lacing our fingers together.

He drew back slightly but made no other move to protest, both of his hands resting calmly in mine. “Why?” he whispered.

I pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead and let my lips linger. “Tell me why this isn’t the same…” I sighed.

“No. I can’t.” His body began to go rigid again, and I knew my window of opportunity to get an answer was quickly closing. I had to do something.

Against my normal better judgment, I breathed against Jaejoong’s pale skin, inhaling deeply and letting his scent linger in my senses before I signed for my certain death. “Tell me why… and I’ll let you finish.”

A/N: oh God. why did this take me so long? OTL

(no subject)

Title: Roses
Status: Fic 32/100
Length: One-shot
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Shindong/ Shindong
Rating: PG-13 for some language and character death 
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics
Summary: When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking upis the hardest part
A/N: Very largely inspired by John Mayer's "Dreaming With a Broken Heart"

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(no subject)

Title: Burn
Status: Fic 6/100
Length: Drabble
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Heechul/ Yesung
Rating: R (for dark theme, self mutilation) 
Genre: Dark, Angst (?)
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics
Summary: Burn vb: to injure or alter as if by fire or heat- n: injury, damage, or effect as if by burning
A/N: i seriously don't even know where the hell this one came from ._.


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(no subject)

ok, so i don't exactly have an update for you guys this time, but it is coming soon, i swear :] ((prepare yourselves for when it does though. i'm sure you'll like what you see ;3))

what i do have is a drawing i did a few weeks ago that black_prophet reminded me of, and since it's relevant to some of your interests, i thought i would post it here :] not to mention i'm endlessly proud of it because OMG i have never done something like this before.

anyone guess who it is even though the hair makes it obvious?

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so here they are :D the only difference between the three is the lighting i took the picture in ((the last is my favorite since i got to play with the contrast and brightness on the computer, and that made most of my shading actually show up)) but yes ^^ i'm so proud of it <3 i seriously have NO idea how i pulled it off, but i'm so glad i did *gushes and feels narcissistic* let me have my moment, ok? D:

anyway, this was my reference pic, and i won't even tell you how long it took me to finish. just know that there were a lot of headdesks involved.

as far as updates go, i'm not sure the exact day when i'll be able to finish the new chapter of hello, but it'll probably be a few weeks from now. one week at the very least :3 it's a good chapter though ((imo)) and there's a treat at the end i think y'all will like for once ;]
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    thrilled :D
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is this real life?

um.... yes :]

Title: Hello
Length: [11/?]
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. please do not take anything you learn from this fic as absolute fact; i take a lot of artistic liberty, have a lot of inaccuracies, romanticize a mental illness, and play with the lines of consent and legality. this is a work of fiction in every way
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7} {Chapter 8} {Chapter 9} {Chapter 10a} {Chapter 10b}

February 27, 2003

Entry Ninety-Two

It was by nothing more than the sheer power of not wanting an additional inconvenience in my life that I didn’t burn my sheets the moment Hyori left last night. Instead, I settled on pouring almost half a bottle of bleach into my washing machine with them and throwing myself into the shower- haphazardly put on clothes and all.

I wanted the feeling of her off of me by any means necessary, which meant that I ended up scrubbing my skin raw after stripping off my clothes and scrubbing them until my fingers almost bled.

I hate myself for what I’ve done.

Yes, my plan served its purpose. I wanted to get laid so my mind would stop playing Jaejoong-centric pornography at every possible second, but last night… I couldn’t even look at him without wanting to slam my face into the nearest solid object. And that doesn’t even take into consideration the fact that he needed me last night. So badly.

It was only after throwing up twice that I felt like I had the stomach to go pick up Jaejoong, and I’m certain it had nothing to do with the minute amount of alcohol I’d consumed only hours before. Even though I had finally been sated, my body was in absolute turmoil.

Had I been thinking clearly and done something different- say, oh I don’t know, maybe not slept with my secretary- I wouldn’t have gone to pick Jaejoong up that night and made other arrangements, but I wasn’t, so I did.

I only found him out of sheer luck really. I’d made a wrong turn somewhere along the line to Jaejoong’s house and gotten horribly lost, frustration building up further with every unfamiliar street name I passed. I only pulled over to collect myself, but the second I stopped, someone jumped up from the ground beside my window and started screaming bloody murder.

Panic consumed my senses, crushing my chest and propelling me out of the car to go after the person as they stumbled back towards a streetlight and clawed at their head.

“Get away from me!” they cried, voice high and unrecognizable.

“It’s okay!” I shouted back, raising my hands in surrender. “I’m a doctor; I can help you!”


“Please! My name is Dr. Jung Yunho. If you’re hurt, I can-”

The figure suddenly collapsed, knees smacking the ground and effectively cutting off my words as light from the streetlamp above flooded their face. “Yunho…” Jaejoong whimpered. Crimson trails ran down his cheeks from where his tears passed through multiple gashes littering his porcelain skin. “You promised…” he whimpered as gripped fistfuls of frozen grass and clung to them for dear life. “You… promised…”

All thoughts trying to enter my mind completely disintegrated; even breathing felt impossible. “Who did this to you?” I asked, my voice raw and horribly unstable.

“I did,” he whispered back. “I couldn’t let him see.”

“Jaejoong I… I don’t understand.”

“This!” Jaejoong screamed. “He can’t see me! He can’t see such a horrible ugly child!”

Just like that, he was reduced to a hysterical mess. His entire body shook with the force of his sobbing, and high-pitched gasps of agony left his throat with every breath. As much as I wanted to do something- anything- to comfort him… I couldn’t. My body wouldn’t move.

I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but somewhere along the line I managed to pull myself together enough to carry Jaejoong to my car. I don’t remember how long it took for me to finally find the strength to move or even if Jaejoong had resisted my efforts- all I know is that we ended up back at my house, him sitting on the countertop in my bathroom while I cleaned his wounds.

“Why did you do this to yourself Jaejoong?”

The boy in question stayed perfectly still on the tile surface, his eyes closed and breath slow and even. “He was there,” he answered. “If I didn’t do it, Xiah and Micky said that he would.”


“Yes. He’s there. He was waiting,” he muttered.

Jaejoong’s body went rigid as I looked down at him, his hands tightly grasping the edge of the counter despite his calm breathing. “What was he waiting for?” I asked as I dabbed peroxide onto his marred skin. He didn’t even flinch.

“He’s always been waiting...”

I was about to prod him further, but Jaejoong suddenly grabbed my wrist, making my mind and body freeze completely.

“Can we stop? This hurts.”

My hands dropped like lead to the countertop beside his hips, slowly curling into fists around the cotton balls in my palm as I glanced up at his face. Although it showed absolutely no signs of discomfort, if Jaejoong said he was in pain, I had to believe him. “I’m sorry Jaejoong…” I breathed out. I’m so sorry… “Just… take a shower and we’ll talk more about this afterwards, okay?”

He hesitated briefly before nodding and sliding off the counter, his eyes still closed tight. “Will you still be here when I’m done?” he asked.

I blinked. “Of course I will. I’m not going anywhere.”


As if to solidify my answer, Jaejoong blindly groped for my hand, gripping it tightly when I helped our palms meet.

“Don’t let him in,” was all he said before we parted ways.

I don’t know what he meant by that or why Jaejoong’s voice held such a sense of urgency when he said it, but then again, I didn’t exactly give myself much time to think about it.

From the moment I closed the bathroom door behind me, my mind set off in an explosion of thoughts, hitting me hard enough to make me lightheaded and reach out for the wall beside me. I was wrong- I was doing everything wrong- and yet Jaejoong still trusts me more than anyone. He still reaches for me when he feels his world falling apart. But… so far… I’ve done nothing but betray him.

The thought made me dizzy with the rush of guilt it sent through my body, and I must have stayed in the hallway for a good ten minutes before regaining myself, but while I was out there I had an idea- one much better than my last. Or at least… I think it will be.

Jaejoong stood hesitantly in my doorway, looking down at me with uncertain eyes and water still dripping from his hair.

“What’s wrong?” I asked from my place on the floor in front of my bed, laptop resting on my knees and untouched files scattered at my feet.

He didn’t answer right away, but from the look in his eyes, I knew I wouldn’t like his response. “I just… thought you wouldn’t want me here,” he answered as his fingers began to fidget with the hem of his shirt.

I retaliated immediately. “Why would you think that?” I questioned, making him flinch slightly at the unintended edge in my words.

“U-know says you don’t want to touch me but Micky told him to shut the fuck up. I don’t know who to listen to,” he admitted. Jaejoong looked away momentarily and bit his lip. “I understand if you don’t want me.”

An image of me slamming my head into the nearest wall flashed in front of my eyes, and before I knew it, I was on my feet and walking towards him. “Of course I want you here,” I murmured as I hesitantly reached my arms out to wrap around his body. He leaned into the touch and grabbed on to my shirt almost automatically, burying his face into my neck as I spoke again. “That’s actually part of why I wanted to ask you something.”

He adjusted his head slightly and I took it as a sign to go on, but the words were still heavy on my tongue. “There’s… a lot of things that I’ve neglected lately. Things that affect you, and… I only neglected them because I was being selfish.” I sighed deeply and willed my voice to stop shaking so much. “You have no reason to anymore, but… I wanted to know why you still trust me.”

The truth burned hot in my throat as I finally released it to the open, and I almost didn’t want to hear Jaejoong’s answer; no matter what he said it would only make me feel worse. If he said that he didn’t trust me at all or that his trust in me was wearing thin, I could handle that. I’d feel awful, but I could handle it. But if he answered with a confession of blind, unwarranted faith… I wouldn’t know what to do.

And of course, nothing in my life ever went right when Jaejoong was concerned.

He bit his lip lightly and his eyelashes fluttered to a close against my neck, head tilted slightly to listen. “They… say that you won’t hurt me,” he muttered. “They don’t like you sometimes, but that’s one thing they all agree on. They say you’re trying.”

“I didn’t ask for what they are saying Jaejoong,” I shot back immediately. “I asked why you trust me.”

As much as I should have been content with his first answer and moved on, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Regardless of whatever kind of heartache his own answer would be, I had to know- for his sake and mine. “I don’t deserve your trust anymore… Maybe I never did from the beginning, but I definitely don’t now. So… I have to know why. Please Jaejoong, just answer me this.”

“…I don’t think you want to hurt me either.”

My heart sang- a beautiful song of anguish and disaster that flooded through my veins and destroyed my very being. I didn’t deserve this… I didn’t deserve him.

Before I even knew what was going on, tears had begun to pour from my eyes, blurring reality and turning me into a sobbing mess. I hated myself for clinging to his shoulders so tightly- for trying to bury myself in his very essence and forget that everything else had ever happened.

It felt almost unreal that I could still stand with him in my arms after all I’d done, his body curling into mine like I’d done nothing at all. His soft skin against my neck, his heart beating softly and perfectly in synch with mine…

I was willing to start over. Willing to try it again and get it right.


The boy raised his head slightly and hummed, tightening his fingers at the call of his name.

“Do you think we could sleep in your room tonight instead of mine?” I asked, bracing myself for his negative reaction.

Just as I thought, Jaejoong’s body went rigid and his breathing stopped. “What?” he forced out before becoming frantic. “But you said I could stay in here with you!” he wailed. “You promised!”

I nodded and pulled him tighter against me. “Listen to what I said Jaejoong: ‘we,’ not ‘you.’ I’ll still be with you; we just aren’t going to be in this room. Do you understand?”

I waited a moment for my words to sink in and breathed out a sigh of relief when Jaejoong hesitantly accepted my new offer. Thankfully he didn’t ask questions as to why I wanted the change, and obediently followed me into the room that hadn’t been stained with the essence of my betrayal.

All of this leads me to where I am now: sitting at the very edge of the bed in my spare room at 2 o’clock in the morning with this notebook in hand and Jaejoong sleeping soundly a few feet away.

My guilt kept me from touching him, but it did nothing to stop me from looking- from wondering. What if I can cure him, or at least treat him enough to give him a shot at normal life? What if he decides that he still wants to be with me even when he is able to understand the magnitude of what I’ve done? Or what if… after all of this… he decides that he doesn’t need me, or even want me anymore?

If I’d been asking myself this a month ago, I probably would have thought that Jaejoong dissolving his feelings for me was a good thing. The best thing that he could have done, really. But now… watching his delicate frame sleeping so close to me, I can’t imagine his feelings being any other way. Even when Jaejoong is restored to a proper state of mind, there’s still a part of me that wants this one thing to stay the same.

February 27, 2003

Entry Ninety-Three

My thoughts from this morning haven’t changed, but I am taking a different approach to them. Surprisingly enough, my head is clearer today than it has been in a long time despite yesterday’s anxiety and almost no sleep, and I decided to use this new-found clarity to my advantage.

Hyori was just as shocked as I was when I made the call to her earlier, telling her that I wouldn’t be coming in to the office at all today.

There was a long silence on the other line, and for a second I thought Hyori had even stopped breathing. “I’m sorry?” she finally rasped out after coughing and clearing her throat twice.

I cleared my own throat. “Yeah, I guess I drank a lot more than I thought last night,” I lied. “Meeting with any of my patients today would only end in disaster.”

She hesitated with her next question, voice uncertain and laced with mild worry. “Are you really not feeling well?” she asked softly.

As much as I hated lying to anyone (especially those involved with my job,) I felt the lies pouring easily from my lips. “Yeah. I’m really sorry Hyori, I just don’t think I’d be able to consult a patient when I’m puking every twenty minutes. Make sure you call them enough ahead of time to let them know I can’t meet with them today, though. It might be a bit of a stretch with Jinki-shii since his appointment is first thing this morning, but-”

“Do you want me to come by to bring you something?” Hyori interjected, almost as if she hadn’t heard my last statement at all.

“No, it’s fine. I’m just going to sleep it off for most of the day anyway. Thanks though, and please do make those calls,” I answered before flipping my phone shut and ending the call. Admittedly, I did feel somewhat guilty about blatantly lying to the woman I’d slept with less than 12 hours ago, but it was nothing compared to the guilt I still felt when I thought of Jaejoong. She could live.

With all that said and done, I’m determined for today to be the day that I make everything right with Jaejoong again. He’s still asleep for now, but as soon as he wakes up we have a lot of work to do.

February 27, 2003

Entry Ninety-Four

I’m going to go out on a bit of a limb and say that today was a pretty big success. Unlike my last plan, no one got hurt in the process (not really anyway) and it didn’t result in guilt trying to eat me alive. Yes, I’d say it’s the most success I’ve had in a while.

He held on to my hand and wouldn’t let go. It was as if on reflex the moment Jaejoong opened his eyes, he reached out for me and held tight. There was no trace of desperation in his face, but his trembling arms made me think less of his blank expression.

“Is there something wrong?” I asked as calmly as possible, ignoring the fact that his sudden action scared the living hell out of me.

“I don’t want you to go,” he answered quietly. “He’ll find me.”

Despite myself, I smile and squeezed Jaejoong’s hand in reassurance. “No one is going to find you Jaejoong,” I muttered before closing my eyes and lying back down beside him. I didn’t have to do anything else for Jaejoong to instinctively curl into my side, and my arms wound tightly around his waist. “We’re not going anywhere today.”

In truth, it took a lot more than just my one phone call to Hyori in order to make this day happen, and judging by the shocked look on Jaejoong’s face, he at least had some idea of the significance of my statement. What he didn’t know however, is that I shifted practically everything just for him.

Within the two hour difference between the time I made my call to Hyori and the time Jaejoong woke up, I’d already made days worth of arrangements. The first (and easiest) step of the morning was to call Jaejoong’s mother and let her know that he probably wouldn’t be coming home today.


“Hello Mrs. Kim, this is Dr. Jung Yunho. I was just calling to let you know that Jaejoong will be staying for some additional testing today. There’s no extra cost to you and he’ll be back at my office for you to pick him up at the usual time tomorrow morning,” I said with practiced ease, voice low and professional. Even though what I’d told her was 100% true, I still felt the bitter aftertaste of deception on my tongue when she accepted.

“Oh, that’s fine. Actually that’s- yes, it’s perfectly fine. Thank you.” And the conversation was over. Fast, simple, done.

And the next wasn’t much different.

It took only two rings for the pharmacist’s assistant to pick up the phone and fill my ears with a greeting I’ve heard way too many times.

“Lee Pharmaceuticals, this is Donghae speaking. How may I help you?” the young boy answered, voice all too cheery for six thirty in the morning.

“Um… yes, this is Dr. Jung Yunho. I’m calling about a few of my patients’ medication. I won’t be able to make it into the office today, so I was wondering if you’d be available to make a few deliveries for me. The earlier you can do it the better,” I said quickly as I waved a pen back and forth between my fingers, absently tapping it on the file laid out before me.

Donghae smiled through the phone (yes, you can practically hear this kid smiling) and clicked his mouse a few times. “Of course Dr. Jung,” he chirped. “I just need some patient and prescription information and I’ll get the medications out right away.”

With the quietest voice I could manage, I read off different patient’s files and prescription numbers, trying my best to make my words clear while also being mindful of the boy sleeping not far away. I couldn’t help but to glance over at him every now and then as I sifted through files, and even after my phone had long been closed, my gaze still lingered on the gentle rise and fall of Jaejoong’s chest.

It got me to thinking of all the things that could have been- all the things that could still be when my work with him is done. He has so much potential… I truly believe that with proper treatment, Jaejoong can do almost anything.

It’s true that the longer the symptoms of schizophrenia go untreated in a patient, the more damage is done to their brain (both physically and psychologically,) but Jaejoong’s case seems to be mild enough that he has a very large possibility of being restored to a generally normal state. No, he will never be completely normal and it will take years of medication and therapy to get to that point, but the possibility is very much there; I just have to get this right from now on.

With that thought in mind, I made several other calls to various other people- some work related and some not. Lee Jinki was the first on the very long list of people I needed to speak to today, and I started by giving him a personal apology for not being able to see him this morning and to inform him that Donghae would be dropping his medication at any minute. Similar calls were made to some of my other patient’s, followed by one to Dr. Lee and another to Siwon. It was boring, professional work I really had no interest in this early in the morning, and every now and then I found myself stealing glances at Jaejoong’s sleeping form just to keep going.

He looked so perfect lying there, vulnerable to anything and yet trusting me completely when I didn’t deserve it… Even as I stared at him I couldn’t dismiss the electricity sparking in my veins, making me hyper aware of the way his dark lashes splayed out against porcelain cheeks. I wanted him so much…

But no. It’s supposed to all stop here. I was going to turn it all around change it, make it better, and this was just the beginning. If I could just get through this one day alone with him, everything would be different. For once, I would be able to say that I’ve truly succeeded with Jaejoong, and I was determined to make it happen. Desire be damned.

A/N: holy shit this chapter took me sooo long and oh how i hate everything it stands for ;~; this is probably the worst chapter of hello i've ever written and i'm just really not satisfied with it at all ((hence why it took me so long.)) this was actually ready to go a few days ago, but i had a complete mental breakdown the other day and yesterday, so i wasn't exactly up to posting. tysm for everyone who stayed patient with me <3

this bitch wants to hear from you~ <3

(no subject)

And also, just for curiosity's sake and since i can only do this within the next 7 days that I still have the Paid Account trial.... i kinda wanted to get to know my audience a little better :3 i'm not a weird stalker person or anything, i'm just curious as to who is reading my fics, so please answer these few questions for me ^^ as for age group, i selected those because that's my guess at where my readers are ((and i capped it at 25 because that's generally where people stop wanting to admit their age ;P)) umm.... the fandoms are the ones that i personally am involved in or am willing to write, and for the pairings, i know ove written others. those are just the ones off the top of my head and the ones that i typically go for. AND! for the write more ___, feel free to put WHATEVER you want: pairings, fandoms, generes, story lengths, continuations to a oneshot/multishot, anything goes :3

and yeah. DBSK is homin+jyj. super junior includes henry and his six foot stick of sunshine zhou mi. KAT-TUN includes their little americawhore jin. that's just how it is ;3
Poll #1727143 HolyStar's Audience



Age Group

< 13
13- 15
16- 19
20- 25


Super Junior
Big Bang
F.T Island

I've read your....

LFW (Chaptered)
Hello (Chaptered)
Beyond the Mind's Control (Chaptered)
One-Shots/ Drabbles
SuJu Fic Challenge Shots
I just love/ stalk you

Favorite Pairing (that HSD usually writes)


Write more _____!!

(no subject)


Status: Fic 51/100
Length: One-Shot
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Kyuhyun/ Ryeowook, implied HanChul 
Rating: PG
Genre: Comedy, Fluff
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics
Summary: Ever the alien enthusiast, Donghae is convinced that aliens are coming to eat him at night, so he puts the rest of the group on alien patrol /fail!summary
A/N: think of this as a way for making up for the lack of other updates... this was actually written a few months ago, and i just now decided to start posting for the challenge sooooo here it is :] 


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A/N: ok... so i really don't have an excuse for why it's taking this freaking long for me to update. a few of you have asked me about it now, and i'm really greatful for your concerns/thoughts/encouragement. believe me, i am <3 it's good to know that you're thinking about it ^^
the thing is that my brain is on constant explode-mode ((refer to my last explanation entry)) and i can't seem to come up with the words to get through this part. nothing major happens in this coming chapter ((which is why i feel extra bad that it's taking forever ;~;)) but there are a few necessary things that have to happen in order to transition to the next part. AS FOR SOMEWHAT GOOD NEWS... it is almost finished. at the moment, i have a few sentences over 6 pages written ((my are typically ~6-8 pages)) and the part is almost at an end. as much as i'd like it to, this doesn't necessarily mean that it'll be finished soon though. my current rate seems to be at about 2 sentences per week on a good week :P i'm really really sorry about all of this </3 but! i am NOT- by ANY means- going to give up on this fic. ever. it's my baby and i want it to be the first chaptered fic that i see through to the end, so i WILL finish it. it'll just take me a while :3

thank you so much for being patient with me and showing your support! i love you all more than you'll ever know ((especially nadia because she hasn't killed me yet even though i'm loooong overdue for being murdered))<3