HolyStarDown (holystardown) wrote,

Suju Fic Challenge: Smoke

Title: Smoke
Status: Fic 25/100
Length: One-shot (broken into two entries)
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Can be read as Leeteuk/Anybody, written with Leeteuk/Shindong in mind
Rating: R
Genre: Angst
Warnings: obvious use of alcohol, inexplicit smut, some language
Summary: Youngwoon is gone and Jungsu is desperate to reach out to anybody
A/N: i really love this one for some reason. it's actually one of my favorites that i've written <3  it took me one day over a year to finally get it perfect, and for once i'm actually satisfied with the outcome :'] i'm not really sure why i did the dialog in italics, but it just felt right to do it that way.
My Challenge Archive

You aren’t really sure why Youngwoon decides to confess it to you first. You’ve never been particularly close, nor have you had any particularly meaningful one-on-one conversations with the slightly older male, but for some reason he comes to you one night- bottle of soju in hand- and tells you everything.

He says that he’s going into the army soon; management isn’t giving him a choice. He hands you the bottle after cursing it and tells you he’s scared- so scared- that he’s ruined his life already and that nothing will ever be the same. As much as you’re inclined to agree, you hold your tongue and let the soju be forgotten on the floor at your feet. He didn’t come for you to tell him what he already knew; he came for you to listen and say that everything would be alright, even if it wasn’t.

You let him talk into the early hours of the morning, the bottle of liquor still untouched beside you, and are finally about to call it a night when he drops the final bomb on you. Two of them actually.

“Hankyung’s been talking about leaving too,” he says, voice a whisper and eyes all too serious.

You try your best to keep your face neutral as you look up at him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. He’s been thinking about it for a while, but I think he might actually be serious this time.”

You nod and glance over at the couch you usually wake up to find Heechul passed out on after a particularly nasty fight with the Chinese man and almost feel sorry for him. “Might be,” you muse.

There’s a long silence before Youngwoon picks himself up off the chair and heads for the front door, but it’s broken by his last thoughts of the night.

“Take care of Jungsu when we’re gone,” he says over his shoulder. “Don’t let him do anything stupid- I love him.”

And then he’s gone.


Jungsu actually takes it much better than any of you could have hoped. After Boom’s enlistment, you all figured that Jungsu would be a one-man Niagara Falls when the eleven of you started to get drafted. But to everyone’s surprise, he hardly sheds a tear when Kangin breaks the news, and his eyes are completely dry when they gather together to send him off.

It isn’t until about a week later that you find out just how well Jungsu is really dealing with it.

He’s sitting on the floor wearing nothing but one of Kangin’s oversized t-shirts, empty bottles of various liquors littering the carpet around him and stage makeup melting off his face from a river of tears. You’ve seen him cry hundreds of times before, but he’s never looked quite this pathetic.

“H-hyung. I’m sorry, I was just-” Your hand reaches for the door to let your hyung have his moment, but he calls you back before you move more than an inch.

“Please don’t leave,” he hiccups as he wipes his nose and a few more tears fall to the hardwood floor. “Please. I just- I really need someone right now.”

A weird sense of déjà vu passes over you as you wonder “why me?” but the door closes behind you and you wrap your arms around his trembling body all the same.

He feels so small in your arms- fragile and breakable- but his grip on your shirt is strong and unrelenting. He sobs endlessly in the shelter of your embrace, and all you can really think about is how you’re going to have a massive blob of tan and black on the shoulder of your favorite shirt when this is over (whenever that may be.)

Eventually, though, his sobs diminish into tiny sniffles and his grip on your shirt loosens to nothing more than a light touch, almost as if he were just resting his hands on you. You still can’t think of anything to say, and a big part of you wishes that the older man would just drift off to sleep so you can carry him to bed- no awkwardness and no exchange of comforting words that you really don’t have.

But then again, luck has never really been on your side.

He lifts his head out of the crook of your neck and his red, puffy eyes are staring straight into yours. The pain held in them is strikingly obvious when you’re this close, and you mentally slap yourself for ever thinking it wasn’t there; aside from Jongwoon, you figure that he’s probably taking this the hardest.

“Answer me honestly,” he asks as his eyes lower and his body tenses up again. “Do you think I’m worth something?”

It’s hard to say what exactly is going through Jungsu’s mind when he asks you this: maybe he think he’s a bad leader, maybe he thinks it’s his fault that he couldn’t keep the fifteen of you together, but you can only think of one answer regardless.

“You’re worth everything.”

He seems to like your answer enough to crush his lips against yours in the sloppiest, most drunken kiss you’ve ever even heard of, but you’re too surprised to do anything about it until you feel yourself kissing him back.

The taste of alcohol is thick on his tongue as he threads his fingers through your unruly mop of hair, but it still isn’t enough to make you stop him. You figure that he needs this- needs someone- in this vulnerable state he’s in, and this thought alone keeps you from protesting when he pushes you onto the floor, lips still sealed tight, and climbs on top of you.

It’s nothing pretty really (you’ve never been particularly attracted to Jungsu to begin with) but there’s something beautiful in the way that all his emotions are laid out for you, raw and uncensored, as he bears his soul and sheds his one article of clothing. He’s skinny and pale and looks just as fragile as he felt in your arms, and you’re terrified that you’ll break him even though he’s the one calling all the shots.

He fumbles with the button on your jeans and nearly snaps the elastic on your favorite boxers as he tries to free you from your own clothing, but once it’s all gone he stops moving. You think that maybe seeing your body- the one that’s different from everyone else’s, not flat or defined with muscles or even moderately attractive- will snap him back to his senses and put a stop to all this craziness. It’s actually what you’re hoping for because you know that you don’t have the willpower to stop this on your own.

Instead, he leans forward and brings his face toward you. “Beautiful,” he whispers before pressing a gentle kiss to your cheek, and you’re gone.


It only crosses your mind a few times just how wrong this is: when Jungsu raises your hand to caress his face, when he leans forward to breathe a moan into your ear, when he starts to rock his hips against yours and makes you move inside him… You feel guilty for a moment each time, but then oh shit he’s coming and you’re losing your senses as he tightens impossibly around you.

You toss everything to the wind in that one moment of ecstasy, when stars are exploding behind your eyelids and yet all you can see is Jungsu’s face- makeup smeared and tears everywhere.

When it’s all over and you’re both panting beside each other, a thought fleetingly crosses your mind. Well, you think, this is probably pretty high on the list of stupid things you shouldn’t be letting Jungsu do.


The next morning finds you waking up still naked on the floor, but somehow a pillow has managed to make its way under your head and a blanket had wrapped itself around your body. The bottles littering the hardwood floor have been cleared away, and you’re pretty sure that the curled-up lump in Jungsu’s bed is none other than the leader himself. You take this as a sign to leave and act as if nothing ever happened when you sit around the breakfast table with everyone else, so that’s exactly what you do. You figure that the best way to go about it is to act like everything is normal (no sense in making things awkward for the both of you,) and if God really loves you as much as Siwon says he does, Jungsu will have forgotten that the whole thing happened in the first place.

Jungsu, however, doesn’t seem to be on the same train of thought.

The eldest member finally wanders out of his room just as Ryeowook clears the last of the plates, fully clothed and soft smile in place. “Morning,” he mutters to no one in particular.

Morning Hyung!” Donghae chirps right back and moves over to make room for the leader to sit at his normal place beside him.

But to everyone’s surprise, Leeteuk walks right past Donghae and plops himself down next to you, half leaning against your arm and half cuddling with it as he still shows off that gentle smile. Everyone stares, but no one says a word, and eventually they move on with their lives.

Only you show visible signs of your shock, and you’re pretty sure that you’ve never sat up this straight before in your life- especially not twenty minutes after getting out of bed.


The other members start to pick up on what’s going on one by one, Heechul of course being first and Donghae being last along with you, and you’re not really sure which of you has the bigger case of denial. Never once had you thought that someone would sit beside you on the couch just to hold your hand or press a goodnight kiss to your cheek a little bit longer than necessary just because they could- and you certainly never imagined that person would be Jungsu- but after a few short days, the signs are blatantly obvious.

Even on stage Jungsu doesn’t hesitate to slide his fingers against your arm for no reason or send you a beaming Zhou Mi-grade smile from a hundred feet away. It’s not that the change bothers you; you just aren’t used to it (and eventually you start to think that even Zhou Mi’s smiles are dull in comparison.)

You decide to take it all in stride and soak it in while you still can, responding to some of Jungsu’s touches with gestures of your own and doing everything in your power to make that one little dimple appear on his left cheek as often as possible. Your relationship has always been like that, you muse, and it isn’t until Heechul’s not-so-subtle threat of “you break his heart and I break your face” that you decide to figure out exactly where you stand.

He’s in his room, scribbling God knows what on a piece of paper in front of him with the hood of his favorite white jacket pulled over his head to block your view of his face. It doesn’t really click what’s going on until you hear him sniffle, watch him wipe his face on his sleeve, and just-so-happen to notice Youngwoon’s name written out on the top of the page.

“Is everything alright Hyung?”

He acts as if a gun had gone off in the room, jumping in his seat and whipping his tear-soaked face around to look at you in the doorway. He’s been crying for a while, and you both know that it’s painfully obvious.

“What? No, everything’s fine. I’m just- I’m just being stupid. All of this is stupid. I’m fine.” He quickly crumples the unfinished letter in his fist and tosses it to the side before wiping his eyes again and getting up from his cross-legged position on the bed. His hair is a furious mess beneath his hood, his eyes are red and puffy, and his voice still shakes when he speaks, but you can’t help thinking that the broken creature in front of you is a raw shade of perfection.

He presses a kiss to your lips and slides an arm around your neck, and from that moment on, you know where you stand even if Jungsu is still hopelessly lost in the wreckage.


Tags: fandom: super junior, genre: angst, length: one-shot, pairing: leeteuk/shindong, pairing: teukchul, rating: r, suju challenge
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