HolyStarDown (holystardown) wrote,


Title: Hello
Length: [10b/?]
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama

Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. please do not take anything you learn from this fic as absolute fact; i take a lot of artistic liberty, have a lot of inaccuracies, romanticize a mental illness, and play with the lines of consent and legality. this is a work of fiction in every way
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7} {Chapter 8} {Chapter 9} {Chapter 10a}

February 26, 2003

Entry Eighty-Seven

Things have only been getting better as the day goes on. Okay, maybe a little on the strange side too with a little side-trip of guilt, but better nonetheless.

Sungmin had his monthly session with me today and he was just as lively as ever; every word that he spoke seemed like it was the most important thing in the world to him, and his eyes lit up exponentially with every mention of his boyfriend’s name… which is where a bit of the strange part comes in.

After answering my question about how his guitar lessons were going, Sungmin redirected his response to talk (very animatedly) about their sex life. I could hardly get a word in while Sungmin barreled on about how Kyuhyun knows exactly where to put his hands and how to say certain words to drive him crazy- really, nothing was left to imagination after that. And to think that he said all of it with a smile that made him look like a two year old in a candy store. No doubt it was incredibly shocking, and I learned much more about Cho Kyuhyun than I would ever need to know, but the fact that Sungmin was genuinely happy gave me a strong sense of hope; it meant that I haven’t completely failed my patients. I know I’ve been off course for long time now, but the information that I’ll get from Jaejoong’s social worker later will help me to work around all this crap that I’ve piled up over the past month and finally give him the professional help he needs.

Which leads me to the next significant part about this morning: not long after Sungmin went home with the man who “has the voice of an angel Yunho-shii, but his tongue is absolutely sinful,” Jaejoong came in for the extra hour usually designate for Heechul.

He flew straight into my arms after flashing the brightest smile I’ve ever seen and held on tight, his curved-up lips and smooth teeth pressing securely against my neck as he crushed us together.

“Someone’s happy,” I pointed out, partially laughing as I wrapped my arms around Jaejoong’s slim waist and pressed a kiss against his hair. He hummed in what I assumed to be agreement before I led us to lie down on my couch where we spent most of our extra hour just kissing- me pushing lightly against the boundaries I’d set up to see the extent of my own limitations, and him taking it all in with an eager mouth and body.

It was good to finally be able to see exactly what I could and couldn’t do with him without losing my self control. After my successful session with Sungmin I had become bold, twisting my fingers in Jaejoong’s hair and slipping my other hand under his shirt to tease the scarred shoulder blades with my fingertips. He shivered with every new ministration, sometimes mewling softly or gasping against my open lips when I hit a spot just right. By the time I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore, Jaejoong was already half hard and silently begging for me to keep going. Every fiber of his being whispered don’tstopdon’tstopdon’tstop as I pulled away, but it was a request I couldn’t let myself relent to; I knew I’d reached my absolute limit, and anything beyond that would have thrown us past the point of no return. In my office. With Hyori sitting right outside. Needless to say, I couldn’t let that happen.

So, gathering up every ounce of willpower I had in my body, I managed to tear myself away from Jaejoong’s eager lips and separate us enough to let him open his eyes.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked breathlessly as I reached for my notebook and opened to a clean page with trembling hands.

“No,” I answered, my own voice still unstable after kissing him for so long. “You did everything just fine, but we need to work now.”

Surprisingly enough, he didn’t fight against the sudden change even though obvious desire still burned brightly in his eyes. Every question I asked him in the next hour was answered while he remained curled up against my side, and I have to say, today was probably the most cooperative he’s ever been during his sessions.

I learned that he smoked for two years (an extremely common thing among schizophrenics,) and only stopped because his Umma had caught him and the stash of cigarettes his adoptive father left behind had run out anyway. I found out that his voices often criticized his teachers in high school and told him to cheat on almost every test so they wouldn’t be able to keep him in that “horrid place” for any longer than they already were… The list of things he talked to me about goes on with both psychiatrically relevant and irrelevant bits of information, but it wasn’t until after his session that I found out why he’d suddenly decided to open up so much.

“Do I still get to stay in your room tonight?” Jaejoong asked innocently enough just before I opened my office door to let him out.

I nodded and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “If that still what you want,” I answered.

Jaejoong did nothing more than stare at my shoulder to indicated that he’d heard me, but I could have sworn I saw the slightest hint of a smile tugging at his lips. “Yeah.”

Without another word, we shared another brief kiss and went out into the lobby. It would have been completely normal- Hyori briefly looking up at both of us to smile before returning to her work, Amber sitting in one of the chairs and looking extremely grateful to see me- if Jaejoong’s Umma had not been standing in the middle of the room, wringing her hands and smiling nervously.

I saw Jaejoong’s own smile instantly drop at the sight of her, but she came forward to put her hands on his shoulders anyway. “Go wait for me out in the car honey. I have to speak with Dr. Jung for a moment,” she requested.

Jaejoong nodded and left without a word, only glancing back at me for a split second before walking out the door. Amber twitched as the door shut.

“Should we continue this in my office Mrs. Kim?” I asked. Keeping an eye on Amber’s apprehensive face, I reached out to reopen my office door but Mrs. Kim stopped me.

“There’s no need for that,” she said softly. Her hands began to nervously slide against each other once again and the pained smile returned to her face. “I just… I just wanted to say thank you… Dr. Jung.”

My jaw dropped. Of all the people in the world I expected to thank me, this woman was definitely not one of them.

“You’re helping him. You really are,” she went on. “Ever since he came to live with me, he’s never once slept an entire night through, but… last night… he didn’t wake up once. The fact that he told me at all is a miracle by itself, so I… Thank you Dr. Jung.” She bowed deeply to me then, bending at the waist and closing her eyes to show the intense gratitude I knew I didn’t actually deserve.

At the time, I didn't question it. I just bowed slightly, said it was nothing, and took a very eager Amber back into my office like I would have in any normal "thanking" situation. Except... I almost never take Amber in right away. It's not that I don't like her or anything- Lord no it's not that- but she has Dissociative Identity Disorder, and I normally try to figure out which of her personalities is currently in control before I proceed with anything for her case.
At the time, I didn't question it. I just bowed slightly, said it was nothing, and took a very eager Amber back into my office like I would have in any normal "thanking" situation. Except... I almost never take Amber in right away. It's not that I don't like her or anything- Lord no it's not that- but she has Dissociative Identity Disorder, and I normally try to figure out which of her personalities is currently in control before I proceed with anything for her case.

What I did at the time was a bit reckless, but I had to get out of there; the longer I stayed in Mrs. Kim's presence, the more my chest constricted itself with conflicting emotions. I felt guilty as hell to receive her thanks and at the same time ecstatic that Jaejoong was showing noticeable improvement. The fact that a full night's sleep has such a positive impact on his condition only further solidifies my theory of Jaejoong's case being mild and easily managed, meaning that with proper medication and therapy, he can live an almost perfectly normal life.

February 26, 2003
Entry Eighty-Eight

I meet Jaejoong's social worker in less than an hour. The anticipation is killing me.

February 26, 2003
Entry Eighty-Nine

This... is not quite what I expected. I knew full well that Jaejoong's past wasn't filled with rainbows and butterflies, but I never expected this.

Time went by horribly slowly after my last entry; Wednesdays are my slow days, so I only have one patient to see in the evenings and Hyori had taken over most of the paperwork I didn't do last night. But eventually the time came for Jaejoong's social worker to arrive, and I met him at the door with a bright smile and deep bow.

He was incredibly good-looking for someone his age, smooth features and glittering smile lighting up his face as he returned the bow, but there was something else entirely; his sharp eyes looked so much older- tired almost- and I recognized it right away. They were the eyes of someone who has seen far too much in their lifetime.

It certainly isn’t a shock given his profession, but everything about his outward appearance gave me the impression that he was the kind of person who would have been destroyed by all of the misery he had to witness every day. The more I spoke with him, though, the more I realized just how wrong I was.

“I’m so glad you found time to meet with me Jungsu-shii,” I said gratefully as I led him into my office, bowing again out of habit before we sat down.

“Leeteuk, please,” the other man corrected gently. “And it was nothing. I’m actually glad you called me.” He picked up the coffee I’d given him and sipped lightly, cupping the warm mug with both hands and holding it just below his chin. His soft eyes seemed transfixed by the dark liquid swirling below him, and a slight smile curled up the corner of his lips. “There aren’t very many days when I don’t wonder where he is or if he’s okay. I know it seems like a strange thing to say after all this time, but… I guess he’s always just stuck with me.”

I nodded and stared down at my own coffee; I knew exactly what he meant by Jaejoong staying on his mind. “He’s still with his foster parents- the Kim’s- and well… he’s okay as anyone who needs a psychiatrist can be,” I commented lightly. “Do you remember much about his case before he went to live with them?”

“Oh yes.” The social worker seemed to snap out of his state of nostalgia and set his cup down with a hard clack. “I remember everything about his case.”

I glanced up at him. “Any particular reason why?”

The soft smile returned to Leeteuk’s lips as he leaned back on my leather sofa. “Jaejoong’s was the last case I ever worked,” he began. “My supervisor said that Jaejoong had gotten too attached to me, so I was removed from the case a little less than a year after Jaejoong moved in with the Kim’s. After that… I realized that I had gotten attached to him too, and if it happened with him, I ran the risk of that happening with other clients as well. I’d already been working with that company for over ten years, so... I quit.”

I blinked. “Just like that?”

He hummed as he nodded. “My partner and I decided that we wanted to settle down anyway- you know, adopt kids and whatnot- and we both agreed that my work would get to me too much when we got kids of our own.”

Leeteuk picked up his coffee again to take another sip and paused. “The point of all this is that… Jaejoong does still affect me. All the time I think about what he had to go through and if Kangin and I will ever fall down the same path that his parents did. I know that it’s a ridiculous fear, but it’s stuck in the back of my mind. Every time I see Taemin’s face I can’t help but think about it.”

“And… what exactly is ‘it?’” I prodded.

“Oh! I’m so sorry Yunho-shii,” the man amended, laughing slightly. “I tend to ramble a lot when I’m not paying attention to myself.” He cleared his throat and finally took a long drink of his coffee. “Jaejoong’s parents both had their problems. I’m sure you already know that he was abused by his father.”

I nodded, and his slight smile slipped away.

“His father was delusional- to the point where I’m not really sure he could distinguish fiction from reality at all. His medical records never indicated that he’d ever seen a psychiatrist or been diagnosed with any mental disorders, but there was undoubtedly something wrong with him.” Leeteuk’s lips turned up in a sad smile and he lowered his eyes once again. “He believed that Jaejoong was an angel.”

The elder man rubbed absent-minded circles on the mug’s porcelain surface with his thumbs, sighing deeply before setting it down. “You see, Jaejoong is double-jointed in his shoulders,” Leeteuk explained, “so he can stick them out- almost like angel wings.* My guess is that somewhere along the line, Jaejoong showed his father that ability somehow and that’s when those particular delusions started. I don’t know if you’ve seen them or not, but he has extensive injuries to his shoulder blades: scratches, gashes, healed fractures… all of them were from his father trying to destroy his wings.”

Visions of Jaejoong’s scars flashed through my mind as my chest tightened impossibly, suffocating me and making my eyes burn. “Where the hell was his mother for all of this?” I blurted out. “She had to have known what was going on.”

“Yes, she did,” Leeteuk said, noting my outburst with nothing more than a curious look. “But if anything, I believe she encouraged it. She didn’t have any records of ever seeing a psychiatrist or being professionally diagnosed either, but there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she had Capgras delusion syndrome.”

The man’s voice had gone quiet at the end of his sentence and his eyes seemed distant. “Their delusions fueled each other,” he said softly. “Her belief that Jaejoong had been replaced by an imitation let him believe that Jaejoong was an angel, and him claiming that Jaejoong was an angel only solidified her belief that he wasn’t their real son. It was a vicious circle of sorts that only led to Jaejoong being abused and neglected… He was beaten almost every day just because his father wanted…”

Leeteuk’s eyes squeezed shut as he raised a hand to cover his mouth. “I’m sorry. My supervisor was right about me being too attached to him.”

I nodded slightly and shifted my position. “I understand. Just tell me what you can.”

The man across from me took a moment to regain himself, his eyes sliding open and hints of fury fused in his voice when he started to speak again. “His father wanted to take his purity from him,” he said darkly. “He thought that if… if he took the angel’s purity from him, he would have to bring Jaejoong back. Trying to destroy Jaejoong’s wings was part of it, but it didn’t stop there. I’m sure you can imagine what I mean; physical, emotional, sexual abuse… And the worst part is that his new parents weren’t any better.”

My eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

“At first… I didn’t notice anything unusual. Jaejoong had opened up to me after we took him away from his biological parents and he lived with me for a few weeks while we tried to find him a new home, so I didn’t think anything of it when he became withdrawn from everyone else after moving in with the Kim’s.” A hint of a smile flickered across his lips. “He even called me Appa once,” he commented before the stony mask fell back into place. “It wasn’t until after I’d quit that I realized that something was wrong. Both parents seemed ecstatic to have him there and, as expected, Jaejoong was incredibly shy with them but… after a while I began to see that it was only getting worse. There were some days that I visited where he would literally run away from me when his father entered the room. Something like that should have immediately sent up red flags, but no one ever investigated any further.” His fists clenched a bit and his eyes narrowed. “Everyone knew that Kangin and I wanted a child of our own, so they thought that this was my way of trying to get Jaejoong to live with us. They ignored obvious signs- paranoia, self hatred, social withdrawal- all because they thought I was that selfish. My supervisor even threatened me with a restraining order if I didn’t stop checking in on him.”

“Did you ever try to report your agency?” I asked incredulously.

“It didn’t do any good. His mother denied that anything was wrong and the feds said that a child’s shyness and low self-esteem weren’t their problem.” He shook his head furiously and his jaw tightened. “A six year old child calling themselves a hideous abomination is not low self-esteem.”

A small fire of my own burned in my chest, and it took almost all my strength to make my voice come out even. “Do you know why he thinks that way?” I asked sharply as my eyes bore holes into the wall behind Leeteuk’s head.

“His adoptive father conditioned him to,” the other man answered. “Jaejoong had told me once that Mr. Kim would make him stand in front of a mirror- naked- as he pointed out everything that he thought was wrong with him. I tried to tell the agent who had taken over the case, but he said that my word alone was no good; either an eyewitness or Jaejoong himself had to report it to him. With Jaejoong only opening up to me and his mother in such denial… nothing ever came of it.”

I felt like an atomic bomb had been dropped onto me; everything in my mind had been completely wiped out and I couldn’t think of anything to say. Jaejoong was forced to live with the man who did nothing more than make him relive his abuse while both of his mothers did nothing to stop it. Seven years he lived with that man. Seven years he lived through even more torture. And no one ever did anything about it.

Leeteuk had little information left to offer, but I couldn’t help the way my heart sank with every new word that he spoke.

I had all my answers. Now I’m just not so sure I want them.

February 26, 2003

Entry Ninety

I’ve felt like absolute shit since my conversation with Leeteuk. As horrible as it sounds, I’m really looking forward to having that drink with Hyori later.

February 26, 2003

Entry Ninety-One

I can never redeem myself for this. I should have never come up with this stupid plan, should have never offered to do this, should have never gone through with it.

Now that one problem has been resolved, I’ve gained a thousand more.

It was only a few hours after my last entry that Hyori and I decided to call it a night. She had been making eyes at me all day, and after Leeteuk left my office, they actually started to affect me. I’d felt like I’d aged ten years in the short hour he was here, and the promise of her company paired with plenty of alcohol sounded like the best thing that could happen to me.

“Yunho-yah~” Hyori called from the barstool beside me, her body loose and leaning against me like I was the only thing keeping her upright. “I’m really glad you asked me to come out with you tonight. I was beginning to think there was no hope left for us.” She smiled brightly and leaned her head on my shoulder as the slurred words struggled to break through the buzz of the hundred other people in the club with us, her hand making its way higher and higher up my leg as the night wore on.

I only offered up a weak smile of my own and tossed back my second shot of the night. Hyori was on her eighth. “Hope for what?” I asked, feigning innocence even though everything was falling right into place.

“Hope for us being together Yunho-yah.” Hyori’s voice became lower as she pressed closer to me, her lips only millimeters away from my skin. “I still want you, you know? I can’t believe I ever passed up the opportunity to fuck the hell out of you while I still had it.”

This was it. This was exactly the kind of opening I had been waiting for since we got here- the kind of opening that I thought would make all of my other problems go away.

I turned my head slightly, our lips barely touching and her breath hot on my face. “Who said you missed your chance?”

Everything after that is hard to describe; it was all one gigantic, horribly-detailed blur that I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself for. I could smell the alcohol thick on her breath as she stumbled through my front door and we tumbled into my bed together. I could feel the slick sheen of sweat on her body, every muscle moving beneath her skin and her fake nails digging into my back as we moved together in abstract dissension. I could hear her voice screaming “Yunhoyunhoyunho” over and over as she reached her limit. But at the same time… I couldn’t register anything. My mind wasn’t anywhere near her.

All I could think about was pale skin and raven hair; soft lips and scarred should blades.

Even now as I’m writing this, I wonder if Hyori realized that she wasn’t the one I saw when I closed my eyes, and the name I whispered when I came wasn’t hers.

A/N and pic of jaejoong's angel wings V

**CAPGRAS DELUSION SYNDROM: in a nut shell, the person who has capgras can recognize a certain person who is really close to them ((almost always a family member)) but they believe that they have been replaced by a perfectly identical impostor because they have absolutely no emotional response to the face

A/N: :D?
alright, so i had a lot to say for this author's note, but i really can't remember any of it. my brain is still a bit in crisis mode, so bare with me. the one thing i do remember though, is that y'all need to thank the hell out of angelwitch1287 . the only reason this chapter is even here is because she has a lot more confidence in my writing than i do, and she also helped this chapter to not be absolute shit. send her yunjae cookies. i love her <3

Tags: fic: hello, genre: angst, genre: psychological, length: chaptered, rating: nc-17

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