HolyStarDown (holystardown) wrote,

'bout time, huh?

alright. i was supposed to have this up yesterday but here it is now <3 i'm sorry! it's a HUGE chapter though, so it's broken into two parts. THIS IS PART 1

Title: Hello
Length: [10a/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama

Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. please do not take anything you learn from this fic as absolute fact; i take a lot of artistic liberty, have a lot of inaccuracies, romanticize a mental illness, and play with the lines of consent and legality. this is a work of fiction in every way
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7} {Chapter 8} {Chapter 9}

February 25, 2003

Entry Eighty-Five

The idea from earlier has been plaguing me for hours; I just can’t seem to make it go away. There isn’t much to complain about though, considering that it kept me awake for the rest of my patients’ sessions and gave me something other than Jaejoong’s body to think about while he was here (which is a hard task when he insists on constantly touching me the entire time.)

I actually feel like applauding myself for showing as much self control as I did while he was here. Despite the continuous contact with his body, I kept my hands from wandering beyond his neck and arms, and responded to his kisses with very little tongue. If I were to go about it professionally, I would say that I restrained myself to show Jaejoong that sleeping in my room last night was unacceptable by taking away his reward. But if I were to be realistic, I would say that I was just distracted and that my body’s normal reactions were dulled by the thoughts racing through my head and guilt scraping away at my conscience.

To say the least, the things that I’d come up with are very… questionable, but I know they have to be done in order to keep me on the right track for the next few days. It took me all of two hours to finally gather up enough willpower to approach Hyori’s desk while Jaejoong continued out to my car and go through with my plan.

Jaejoong was skeptical at first, terror written all over his pale face and eyes darting around frantically when I’d asked.

“It’ll only be for a minute Jaejoong,” I assured him. “All I have to do is talk to Hyori about something and then I’ll be right out. I promise.”

I kissed him long and slow behind the cover of my closed door before resting my hand on the doorknob and curling my fingers around it. “Only for a minute…” I breathed against his lips, his hair brushing against my cheek as he nodded.

He took his time leaving after I’d opened the door, fidgeting and watching me the entire way out to the car as I leaned on Hyori’s desk. Unwarranted guilt crawled beneath my skin from his longing gaze, and I couldn’t help but to feel like he knew exactly what I was doing; it was just… there. His wide eyes held a look of betrayal for something it was impossible for him to know, and something that I shouldn’t feel guilty about anyway. It’s not like this is actually cheating on him. It’s just… not exactly the right thing to do.

If anything, I’m doing this to help him - to protect him from myself and what I could possibly do to him if this issue isn’t dealt with.

Regardless of right or wrong, cheating or not, I went on with my plan when Hyori called my name to break me out of my thoughts. I turned my attention to her only to be met with a raised eyebrow and expectant face, fingertips tapping against her desk.

“Is there something you need to speak to me about Dr. Jung?” she asked formally, despite there being no one else in the room.

I could have turned around here. And maybe I should have, but the fact remains that I didn’t. Instead, I threw all of my moral integrity out the window and forced a smile. “Actually, yes,” I started slowly. “I was wondering if you’d like to get a drink with me after work tomorrow. You know, to de-stress a bit and make up for that lunch I never bought you.” I mustered up the coyest smile humanly possible to flash at Hyori and didn’t miss the way her cheeks turned slightly pink because of it.

She looked almost hopeful with her eyes lit up and smile fighting its way up to the surface, but her tone was guarded. “What about Jaejoong?” she asked.

I’m pretty sure this was the point when my heart skipped about four beats and my breathing stopped. “What about him?” I asked.

Hyori and I both spared a glance out the window to my car; hers lingering while I did my best to look at anything else as soon as possible. “You’re supposed to be taking him with you after work every day this week, aren’t you?” she asked, slowly shifting her gaze back to look into my eyes. “What will he do if you go off somewhere else with me?”

My heart pounded. “Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ve already made alternate arrangements for him,” I lied.

“And me?”

“We’ll take my car over there and see what happens. If we’re both too drunk afterwards we’ll take a cab home.”

Light emanated from every inch of Hyori’s being, and if someone would’ve thrown glitter on her face I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.

I’m not entirely sure what she picked up on or what she inferred from my request, but whatever it was was working in my favor. She agreed without any further persuasion, her eyes bright and fingers twisting in her hair a bit too much to be normal, and then we parted ways… almost.

Just as I had opened the door, Hyori called out to me again, her voice high and much less formal than when this conversation first began. “Yunho-yah~!” she practically sang.

My hand paused on the door handle. “Yes?” I answered as I turned back and plastered on my smile again. She beamed.

“A social worker called for you about an hour ago while you were with Jaejoong,” she said as she began flipping through a small stack of post-it notes. “He said that he was eager to speak with you and that he would come by tomorrow evening if you were available.”

I had to fight tooth and nail to resist taking a huge sigh of relief or doing a victory dance or something else equally stupid at her words. “Whenever I don’t have a patient is fine Hyori. Just let me know tomorrow what you’ve figured out.”

She nodded, I smiled, and we went our separate ways- simple as that- mainly just because I felt like I didn’t have time to soak in what she’d told me. I wanted to get away from her as soon as possible and Jaejoong was waiting obediently in the car for my return.

Right now on the other hand, I do have time to think about it. Jaejoong is in the shower, I’m away from her, and I’ve had a few hours to let the information sink in: Jaejoong’s former social worker is going to be meeting with me tomorrow. The man who has almost all the answers to Jaejoong’s past will be speaking with me face to face in less than forty-eight hours. Even as I’m writing this down my heart is racing with excitement and elation over the fact that I finally have a shot at unlocking the secrets of Jaejoong’s past… it’s indescribable.

But… I also have to realize that he might not have all the answers I want. He will almost certainly be able to give me enough information to allow me to make my complete diagnosis and prescribe Jaejoong his medication, but there is a chance that he won’t know or even remember much else. Family history, early childhood behavior, nature of abuse, past experiences… All very important things; I just want more.

Like while we were driving home for example: the first thing I noticed when I got in the car was that Jaejoong’s affections were much more distant than they had been just a few minutes before. He only absent-mindedly played with the fingers on my free hand and his eyes were unfocused as he stared at the place where our skin touched. Even his answers to my few (and admittedly non professional) questions were answered with airy words. He was so far away from me then, and I just knew his mind was overflowing with thoughts that I could only hope to get tiny glimpses of.

I’d give anything to know more about him, which I guess is how I ended up in the situation I’m in now: this ludicrous idea of mine falling into place and Jaejoong bring dragged right along with it.

After a silent dinner, I decided that it was time to ask Jaejoong about arrangements for tomorrow. I needed some way to get him home after his session and then back to my house for the night when I finish with Hyori- both without anyone knowing where exactly he was going or why, meaning that Jaejoong couldn’t know why I had to change things around, Hyori couldn’t know that he was coming back to my house afterwards, and Jaejoong’s mother pretty much couldn’t know anything. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy plan to come up with (considering that I had all of an hour to think of it and most of it was basically being pulled out of my ass anyway) but I still took a stab at it; I had to do something to make sure that Jaejoong wouldn’t be with me while I was with Hyori.

“Jaejoong-ah, I need to talk to you about something,” I said, finally breaking the thick silence that had surrounded us.

Jaejoong made no indication that he’d heard me, only blankly staring at the food he’d hardly touched.


He looked up at me with wide eyes then, and despite me not even mentioning anything about tomorrow, I could have sworn that I saw a glimmer of accusation in those eyes. Looking back on it now, it was probably just my guilty conscience screwing around with me, but damn it was good.

My collar suddenly became too tight when I realized that I had his attention and I had to clear my throat a few times before words would come out. “I… I have a meeting right after work tomorrow evening, Jaejoong,” I started hesitantly, the lie feeling like acid on my tongue and burning in the air between us. “Dr. Shim is making all of us go, so that means I won’t be able to take you back here right away. That being the case… your Umma will have to take you home for a few hours before I come to get you again.”

Heavy silence fell over us when my words had finished, and a faint sense of dread pulsed through my veins. So many negative reactions Jaejoong could have had flashed in my mind at once as if trying to prepare me for all of them at the same time, but all Jaejoong did was stare- eyes once again blank and body unmoving, almost like a doll.

“Is it Choikang’s fault?” he asked quietly.

The soft words exploded in my ears, and it took a while for my mind to catch up with what he was asking. I shook my head slowly back and forth, eyes remaining on him and him alone. “Why would it be Choikang’s fault?” I asked.

“…He says bad things about you,” Jaejoong whispered, almost as if he were telling a secret to the uneaten food beside his motionless hands. His gaze came up to meet my own for a moment, and I could have sworn I saw the glimmer of accusation in his eyes again, guilt rising in my chest and taking hold of my trembling heart before I could stop it.

“What kinds of things?” I choked.

“Bad things. U-know tries to stop him but he doesn’t listen. He says you want me to be alone. He says… you’re trying to kill them.” The whole time Jaejoong spoke, his eyes remained eerily blank. I would have taken the accusatory look backing a heartbeat if it meant he was showing something to me, but it was no use. The darkness of his eyes threatened to swallow me whole the longer I stared into them, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to look away; even in all their emptiness, his eyes were captivating.

“I’m not trying to kill anyone,” I muttered after collecting some of my resolve. My hand lifted to rest against Jaejoong’s cheek, hesitating before falling back to the table and staying there. We were so off-topic…

I sighed and watched as Jaejoong blinked his absent eyes at me. “Jae… Listen to me,” I said wearily. “This has nothing to do with them, but it does have something to do with you. I need you to agree to go home for a bit longer than usual tomorrow so I can… get my meeting taken care of. Ryeowook-shii doesn’t have a session tomorrow, so if it’s easier for your Umma, we can get you back to your normal time for a day. We can make any necessary arrangements really, but it’s extremely important that you agree to this. When you get back you can have whatever reward you want, okay?”

My last sentence finally sparked a reaction. His vacant eyes suddenly flashed with something akin to a sparkling hope, and I knew I was doomed.

“Anything?” he asked quietly.

I nodded. “Anything.”

Just as soon as the sparkle had come, it was gone, Jaejoong withdrawing back into timidity as his gaze lowered to his food. “I want to stay with you tomorrow. In your room.”

Looking back, I guess I should have seen this coming. Jaejoong has never asked for much from me, and this (along with a kiss every now and then) is the one thing that he seems particularly adamant about.

If my plan works… if this act of betraying non-betrayal that I’m pushing myself into actually works… then what he’s asking for won’t be a problem anymore. Everything should work out just fine: Jaejoong will be happy and I won’t have to worry myself to death about overstepping my boundaries more than I already have.

I can do this.

With that thought in mind, I agreed to let Jaejoong sleep in my room for the night, kissing him softly on the lips to seal the deal before sending him off to take a shower.

Speaking of which… I don’t hear the water running anymore so he should be coming back in here any moment now. Looks like we’ve got an interesting day ahead tomorrow. Fantastic.

February 26, 2003

Entry Eighty-Six

So last night didn’t go quite how I’d planned, but surprisingly it wasn’t necessarily in a bad way. If I think about it optimistically enough, it could be really good sign for what all I have planned for today. It doesn’t make me any less nervous as a whole, but it does take a little bit of the edge off to know that today is off to a good start.

For the record, I’ve never been more tired in my life than I was last night, so my lack of discretion was only partially my fault. Now that that disclaimer is out of the way…

Jaejoong and I ended up sleeping together last night, (no, literally) the same as the night before, except with a lot more sleeping on my part and no strange late-night interruptions on his. Almost as soon as Jaejoong got out of the shower, he came back to me and crawled into bed, his head resting on my shoulder- wet hair and all- like he belonged there wedged between my arm and body. For the first time that night, he looked at peace with everything.

It took about ten minutes for his drooping eyes to fully close and breathing to completely even out, but in that short time I made sure to tell him not to get too comfortable; he would have to return to his room in an hour. That… didn’t exactly happen.

The combination of existing fatigue and an hour’s worth of late-night paperwork kept my body tired enough not to react to Jaejoong the way it had the night before, so I decided to let him stay there a little while longer until I finished my work. What I didn’t plan on was falling asleep before I even reached the last page and waking up to my alarm with Jaejoong still tucked safely beneath my arm.

Like I mentioned before, it’s potentially a good sign. If I can go a full night (regardless of the circumstances) with him beside me and not do anything that would jeopardize his innocence, there’s an extremely good chance that my plan for tonight will work out just fine.

Everything seems to be working out in my favor actually: Jaejoong is switching back to his normal time for today so guilt won’t be able to talk me out of it at the last minute, Hyori seems more than eager to go along with whatever I plan to do, and hell, I slept the entire night through. No exhaustion for me.

I’m beginning to think that I really can do this.


Tags: fic: hello, genre: angst, genre: psychological, length: chaptered, pairing: yunjae

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