HolyStarDown (holystardown) wrote,

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not what i wanted it to be :/

Title: Hello
Length: [9/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7} {Chapter 8}

February 24, 2003

Entry Eighty-One


I didn’t finish my entry from earlier because Jaejoong finally decided to speak to me. He’d been silent since he came in, ignoring my presence aside from giving me a long, slow kiss after my door shut. He was obviously distracted by something going on in his head, and he didn’t bother answering any of my questions. When he finally did speak, though, it was to ask a question of his own.


“Are you afraid?” he asked out of no where.


My pen slipped out of my fingers and I stared at Jaejoong’s wandering eyes. “Afraid of what?” I muttered against his neck.


Okay. Confession time: we were lying down on my couch, his back to my chest, my arms around his waist, and my notebook on his lap while I was writing. His head fell back against my shoulder when I asked him, and his pale neck seemed to stretch out forever before me.


“Anything I guess,” he answered.


I threaded my fingers through his hair and nodded slowly. “Everyone is afraid of something.”


Jaejoong never asked for specifics, and for that I was very grateful. I’m afraid of him- afraid of myself around him. Jaejoong had changed me forever and… I’m not sure I know how to deal with it. He makes me think things that have never even crossed my mind before, makes me desire things I’ve never wanted until I saw him. And as much as this fact plagued my mind, I knew I couldn’t tell Jaejoong about it. If he realizes just how much of an effect he has on me… I have no idea what would happen.


Regardless, he took my vague answer for what it was and didn’t say anything else for a long time afterwards. It wasn’t until I went through my routine to pack up for the night that he started speaking again.


Files were swept into my drawers, some into my briefcase along with my case log and this thing, pens were put away, blinds were shut, and the top right drawer of my desk was opened so I could check off my final task. The small key from my pocket pushed easily into the unturned lock, and the drawer slid open with a soft scraping sound. Inside it lay a sleek 9mm pistol, loaded and ready to fire at a moment’s notice.


The gun is my last line of defense against a patient; if they have a breakdown severe enough to make them an immediate danger to others or myself, it’s the fastest way to neutralize them before the situation gets out of hand. The drawer is kept unlocked during the day in case of an emergency, but I have no plans to take advantage of that easy access. All of my patients are generally well-controlled and non-violent (breakdown or not,) and I have several measures to take before the gun even becomes an option. We’re trained for this sort of thing… and taking judo for seven years probably didn’t hurt either.


I didn’t notice that Jaejoong had been staring at me as I lifted the gun from it’s resting place, flipping the metal body in my hand a few times to make sure nothing had changed from when I’d checked it the night before.


“Have you ever used it?” Jaejoong asked me as I returned the gun to its drawer and turned the key.


I looked up at him and shook my head. “I hope I never have to either,” I answered.


Jaejoong seemed to take no notice and formed a gun shape with his thumb and index finger before pressing a fingertip to his heart. “Would you ever shoot me?”


“Of course not,” I answered instantly. “Why would you ask that?”


Jaejoong just paused and slid his finger from his heart to press against the soft underside of his chin. “They told me to. Xiah doesn’t like it,” he muttered before mouthing a silent “pow” with his lips and moving his fingers away.


My chest tightened.


Thankfully Jaejoong went back to normal not long after that ordeal. Hyori had already gone home for the night, so I let Jaejoong kiss me in the lobby and wrapped my arm around his waist as we walked out to my car (he had a thin jacket on and I didn’t want him to get cold.) It wasn’t until we got home and I was showing him around that he started speaking freely though. His fingers were interlaced with mine as I led him around the house, his grip tightening slightly every time we entered a new room and relaxing when we left. My bedroom was the only exception.


Jaejoong’s wide eyes wandered around the room at such a slow pace, as if he were seeing it for the first time. His grip became loose on my own hand, and had I not been holding on to him I’m sure they would have slipped apart.


“This is my room, remember?”


He didn’t look at me once while we stood in the doorway together (I didn’t expect him to,) but I could see that behind the vast lack of recognition, his eyes held a faint glimmer of familiarity. It’s an aspect of schizophrenia to vaguely remember something while not being able to connect it to things like how, when, where, or why it happened, and I assumed this was what went through Jaejoong’s mind as he scanned my room; he remembered seeing this place before but nothing else.


“Is this where I stay?” he asked after a long silence.


I merely shook my head. “Your room is the next one over,” I answered as I slipped my hand back into Jaejoong’s and gave it a light tug backwards.


The room I had prepared for Jaejoong was the next and final stop of his little tour, and I wanted to get there as soon as possible; the more time I spend with him in my room, the more my conscience wanted to beat me up. He looked perfect in the off-white lighting of my room, and my mind flashed images of him pushed against my sheets, head thrown back in ecstasy and jet black hair splayed on my pillows…


I shook my head to get rid of the thoughts. “If you ever need anything during the night I’ll be-”


“You’re leaving me alone?” Jaejoong cut in. Panic had suddenly taken over his features and he whipped back around to face me, eyes wide with emotions I couldn’t quite place.


“…coming in to check on you often Jaejoong,” I finished. I flashed him a gentle smile, but for some reason it didn’t calm him at all. His hand suddenly jerked away from mine to cover his shoulder, fingers digging deep into the fabric of his shirt and trembling like mad.


“I can’t be alone,” he wailed. “He’ll find me!”


I blinked at him. “What are you-”


“You can’t!” he shrieked, nails digging further into his shoulder and face twisting in horror.


All I could do was take a hesitant step toward him with my own hand gently outstretched toward him. “Jaejoong, I don’t understand what you’re talking about,” I said softly. “Just calm down and I can-”


He flinched away from me before I could make another move. “NO!” He screamed and jerked his head to the side, hands snapping up to cover his ears and nails digging into his hair. “You can’t let him get me here!”


Somewhere along the line he’d screwed his eyes shut, so I dared to move closer- close enough cover his thin hands with my own and pry them away. His skin felt unnaturally cool under my touch, and it seemed as though I was holding onto a child’s hand as his rigid muscles began to loosen.


He went silent as I pulled him into my arms, the tension in his body slowly fading as I pressed my lips to his temple. “Everything is going to be okay Jaejoong,” I breathed out. “Just listen to me.”

We stood that way for what seemed like an eternity: Jaejoong slowly relaxing in my arms and me softly begging him to just listen. So many things were flying through my head that I couldn’t think of anything else to say. He’d gone from completely terrified to calm in no more than a few seconds, using nothing but my touch to bring about the change. It was… incredible. He eventually let me lead him to the next room, where I sat him down on his bed and took his hand once again.


“Let me explain how things are going to work while you’re here, okay Jaejoong?” I whispered softly into his ear, to which he nodded.  So far: so good.


“Some things… have to happen, while others can’t happen under any circumstances. Understand?”


He nodded again.




Long story short, I laid out the ground rules for him, and they went something like this: if he does one of those things that “have to happen” or if I see an improvement in him, I’ll give him some type of reward. And by reward… I’m going to be a little shameless with these… are going to be mostly physical rewards. So Jaejoong can have a solid foundation to grasp at and the like. I’ve already mentioned that for just agreeing with this whole thing, Jaejoong is allowed to kiss me all he wants. Well, with these rewards he’s going to be allowed to do a little bit more depending on his levels of cooperation and improvement. I did draw lines though, and we’re starting out small for now; if I’m satisfied, he gets more. And I mean that in the least sexual way possible… kind of.


For example: Jaejoong agreed to stay in his own room without putting up any more of a fight, and as a reward, he got tongue action in our goodnight kiss. Granted, that’s nothing exactly new to us, but I made a point of telling Jaejoong that from now on he would have to earn it. He made a face and told me that Micky hated the idea, but complied all the same, earning himself a second kiss before I sent him off to bed.


That was about two hours ago, and I’ve checked on him twice since. The first time he was sitting straight up staring at the wall, the second he was sprawled out on his stomach and fast asleep. All in all, the night has gone pretty well so far. I still have about another hour of work to finish before I can head off to bed myself, but my pillows are looking more inviting by the second. Maybe I’ll call it a night early.


February 25, 2003

Entry Eighty-Two


Last night was an absolute, horrid disaster. I decided to follow through with calling it early after dozing off twice and getting drool on one of my files, but not two hours later, I was wide awake again.


I snapped my eyes open to a dark silhouette hovering above me and my shoulder being violently shaken. The figure was obviously in distress about something, frantically whispering things I couldn’t quite make out at the time and clenching their fingers hand onto my arm. When their words finally came through to me, I remembered who was in my house and why that person would possibly be up at such an ungodly hour.


“Jaejoong…?” I slurred. “Jaejoong what are you doing?”


The shaking continued and a noticed a few choking sobs laced with the boy’s words. “I can’t. Please, please, I can’t do it. They know he’s here! They know! Please, I have to!” Jaejoong gushed at a million miles a minute as he dug his nails further into my arm, using enough force to the point where I was sure I’d have a hand-shaped bruise there in the morning. Somehow, though, I managed to slip my own hand between his fingers to let him refocus his grip on that instead (and it nearly broke every bone) while he continued with his incoherent whispers. Whether he was looking at me or not, I couldn’t tell, but I tried my best to look into his eyes; no light, no reflection.


“Jaejoong tell me what’s wrong. You have to calm down if you want me to help you,” I pleaded to the shadowed figure, squeezing his hand back lightly in what I hoped would be reassurance.


But I faintly saw his head jerk to look in another direction and his slew of words came to a momentary halt. “You promised. You can’t let him get me. You promised!” he hissed.


“I know that Jaejoong. You’re safe here, no one can hurt you, remember?”


Apparently he didn’t. His vice-like grip tightened impossibly more and he seemed to ignore my wince of pain. “You promised you would protect me,” he shot back. “They told me he was there. I can’t do it.”


“Can’t do what?”


“Stay in there!”


Just when I thought my hand would snap for sure, Jaejoong’s tore his hand away and threaded it into his shadowy mass of hair. “Please…” he whimpered, dropping to his knees beside me. “Please don’t let him in.”


I didn’t know what to say. Hell, I even forgot how to breathe for a few seconds before I took his hand again and pulled him into bed beside me. There were no words exchanged as he willingly laid down and started breathing harshly against my neck, our fingers still laced together but nowhere else touching. His shaking gradually came to a stop, his sobs subsiding and body almost completely relaxed before I allowed myself to pull away and say anything.


With only our intertwined hands and space between us, I let my words flow out. “Jaejoong, will you listen to me now?”


He nodded, hair rustling against my pillow as I took a deep breath. “I’m only going to let you do this for tonight, okay? After this you have to stay in your own room at night. Do you understand?”


Jaejoong nodded again and in no time he was peacefully asleep. That’s when the torment started.


I couldn’t stop thinking about him.


My eyes had adjusted to the dark enough to see Jaejoong’s smoothed out face only inches from my own, his body radiating heat that I couldn’t seem to ignore. He looked so submissive… vulnerable to anything I could have done to him at that moment. It made me squirm to hold back from touching him, and after only a few short minutes I had to let my sweaty palm slip out of Jaejoong’s loose hold and return it to my side. My mind was going crazy with images of him moaning and writhing underneath me, his naked skin contrasting against my dark sheets and pressing against every inch of my own body that he could reach… it was intoxicating what my mind came up with, and after only a short half hour there was an impressive tent in my loose sweatpants that just would not go away. My eyes refused to leave the sight of his slightly parted lips or the sinuous curve of his waist… the place where his shirt had ridden up and exposed his pale skin… any of it for long enough to give me a chance to calm down. I’d already inched as far away from Jaejoong as possible on my bed, but I knew it still wasn’t enough to keep me from temptation. I had to do something about it.


After an hour of the literally painful torture, I submitted to the less appealing tile walls of my bathroom and my own hand in order to solve the problem, still panting his name and imagining his face when I fell over the edge. All I could see was raven hair, pale skin and parted lips behind my closed eyelids; the pressure in my chest exploding out as a languid moan I was powerless to hold back. I trembled as if I’d been electrocuted and everything was just Jaejoong Jaejoong Jaejoong until my hand was covered and I was reduced to a pathetic pile of nothing kneeling on my bathroom floor.


I knew I shouldn’t have gone back even when I regained myself, but I had to. The results most likely would have been disastrous if Jaejoong would have woken up to me not by his side, so I quickly cleaned up, splashed my face with cold water for a good five minutes, and then returned to my room.


That was my second big mistake.


I wish I could pretend that I went back to bed sated, no longer thinking of ways to take Jaejoong’s innocence and slept until morning, but I didn’t. No- I didn’t sleep for a single fucking minute last night, and I ended up making a repeat trip to the bathroom before my alarm clock decided to scream at us to get up at 5:30am. The second trip was no more effective than the first, and by the time Jaejoong’s eyes snapped open I could have used another.


The initial confusion written all over Jaejoong’s sleep-hazed face was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen, the only thing surpassing it being the smile he flashed afterwards. His face practically glowed when he recognized me… I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier.


I didn’t have the heart or the energy to pull away from his kisses, so my condition only worsened as the morning wore on and we got ready to leave. Everything I’d meant to tell him was forgotten in favor of trying to keep my body in check and consuming enough caffeine to sustain a small army, but despite my efforts, my eyes still drooped and my pants were still uncomfortable when we reached my office. I really don’t


February 25, 2003

Entry Eighty-Three


I fell asleep on my notebook and woke up to Ryeowook poking my shoulder and calling my name.


Fuck my life.


February 25, 2003

In Addition to Entry Eighty-Three


Dear Whatever Deity I Managed to Piss Off,


I’m truely sorry. I’ve learned my lession and I won’t do whatevevr it was was anymore. I promise to be good form now on.



Jung Yunho


February 25, 2003

Entry Eighty-Four


I’m not even going to try to explain my last few entries. Apparently going without sleep for almost two days and having Jaejoong constantly on my mind is a very dangerous combination. The only reason I have a relatively clear head now is because I passed out some time after Ryeowook’s session ended at 10:45 and woke up to Hyori shaking me around 3:15 with a crying Henry standing behind her (he has severe anxiety and abandonment issues. Go figure.)


“Dr. Jung, Henry-shii’s appointment started five minutes ago. You need to wake up.”


The shaking stopped as I blinked my eyes open, curtains of auburn hair and strong perfume flooding my senses. Hyori fluttered her mascara-covered lashes at me before pulling away and flicking my forehead. “Yah, if you’re this tired you should drink some coffee or something. How long have you even been asleep?” she hissed, arms now crossed and eyebrow raised.


I lifted my head from my desk enough for Henry to come into view, eyes red and puffy with tears streaming down his chubby cheeks. I really, really wanted to kick myself. “Forgive me Henry-ah,” I muttered as I made a futile attempt to fix my bangs. “There is no excuse for my actions.”


Hyori barely hid a scoff by faking a sneeze and Henry just sniffled. “Does this mean you want me to leave?” my patient asked, pain evident in his soft voice, and it vaguely reminded me of someone I knew I shouldn’t have been thinking about all over again.


Before I let my mind wander too far, Henry’s sob snapped me back to reality. “No, no. I’m very glad I woke up in time to see you.”


Not to say that Henry isn’t important, but my session with him wasn’t anything special and isn’t relevant to why I decided to write this as an entry aside from the fact that he was the one who brought my sleeping to Hyori’s attention. I really do enjoy Henry’s presence, but I got him calmed down in no time and went on with the day as normal. The important part of all this came after Henry left and before Jinki came in for the next session.


Hyori was waiting for me right outside my office door, arms crossed and eyes watching Henry as he walked out.


“Something’s wrong with you,” she said bluntly. Her eyes softened in concern and her hand reached out to touch my shoulder, long fingernails resting lightly on the fabric of my shirt as she leaned toward me. “I got suspicious when you didn’t walk Sooyoung out after her session, but I would have never guessed that you fell asleep,” she continued. “What’s going on?”


I wasn’t sure how to answer her, so I opted for the tied-and-true response for any situation you really don’t want to talk about: “It’s nothing Hyori.”


And I guess she was expecting it. “That’s bullshit,” she shot back. Any trace of concern in her face had been replaced with bitterness and her hands were once again perched on her narrow hips. “Jung Yunho, I have known you for almost three years now and never once have I seen you fall asleep in this office. Now I want to know what’s been going on with you this past month and I don’t want any of this ‘it’s nothing’ crap. Forgive me for my tone Yunho-shii, but I’m really worried about you. You’re not like this.”


For what felt like the longest time, I couldn’t say anything. Hyori’s hand slipped from my shoulder down when he little rant was over and every muscle in my arm tensed underneath her light touch. She couldn’t know the truth, but I felt that she at least deserved something.


“I’ve just been really stressed lately,” I admitted with a sigh. “Not sleeping well.”


It was as truthful as I was willing to get with her, and thankfully she accepted my short explanation without question. A sad smile passed over her thin lips, her words softened and touches barely there. “Is there anything I can do to help?” she asked quietly.


I shook my head. “No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”


“… Alright. But if there’s ever anything I can do, just let me know.”


Hyori let go of me then, her fingertips lingering as the slipped completely away from me, and that was when I had an idea.

A/N: ok, so i know i said all that "i'm 100% sure" there will be a new character in this chapter and that you will want to shoot me for it ((you might want to shoot me for a few things in this one anyway)) but after looking over it and being extremely unsatisfied with it's turnout, i decided to go back and gut everything so i could start over and make it better. trust me, the way it was before ended up really rushed and choppy and ugly and no. next chapter really will be it though, since it happens on the 26th and 27th
A/N2: typos in addition to entry 83 are intentional
A/N3: addition to entry 83 was hella fun to write :]
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