HolyStarDown (holystardown) wrote,

Happy Birthday nadia!

since i missed it yesterday and i love her so, i'm giving moon1084  a bigass HAPPY BIRTHDAY and you a brand new chapter of hello :DD

Title: Hello
Length: [8/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7}

“I heard they were in love…”


“Such a beautiful girlfriend…”


“Threw everything away because of him…”


“He did marvelous work…”


“A real sweet heart…”


“Torn apart, just like that…”


February 19, 2003

Entry Seventy-Two


I feel like my entry from yesterday can be misunderstood. No, I did not use my meeting with Jaejoong’s mother just to have my way with Jaejoong; I actually would like to monitor Jaejoong’s sleep patterns. There’s just… a little bit extra that I want to do in order to motivate him to keep coming back. Alright, that doesn’t sound much better, but honestly there’s no ill intent in my plan. I draw the line at kissing (maybe groping if he does exceptionally well,) and I’m going to do everything in my power to keep it that way. I really do want this to help Jaejoong, not corrupt him any more than I already have.


February 19, 2003

Entry Seventy-Three


Jaejoong’s mother called about an hour ago. Jaejoong came home and agreed to come in tomorrow.


February 20, 2003

Entry Seventy-Four


I have a mixed feeling about the events of today.


I don’t think anyone could possibly understand how good it felt to see Jaejoong’s beautiful face again after so long. Truthfully, he looked reluctant to be there and wouldn’t meet my gaze at all at first, but shaking him out of it wasn’t all that hard when I told him my plans.


“I want you to stay with me for a few nights,” I told him when nothing else seemed to get a response from him.


His eyes widened out of their half-closed state and he finally turned his head to look at me. “You do?” he breathed out.


The loose white sweater covering Jaejoong’s torso slipped a bit to reveal a broad, slightly bruised shoulder and I found myself unable to look away from it. This whole “self-control” thing was getting off to a pretty bad start.


“Your mother told me that you often have trouble sleeping, so I want to monitor you for a few nights. Would that be okay?”


He turned away again. Instead of the reaction I had expected, Jaejoong’s face fell and he curled himself tighter into his ball. “So… it’s not because you want to see me…” he muttered into his arms.


“That’s not true Jaejoong. The reason why I’m doing this myself instead of handing it off to a specialist is so I can see you more often, but I want to help you too. That’s what this is all about.” It took every shred of my will power not to reach out to touch him, and each passing second made it harder for me to hold back. I wanted to feel him- to know that he was really here after so long and to make sure he knew that I was here for him as well. To lose this trust we had built would surely crush the both of us, and I couldn’t let that happen. If Jaejoong ends up like Heechul… I don’t know what I would do. He’s already distant enough, and the lack of a response scared me to death, but finally he lifted his head from his arms and stared at the corner where “he” was supposedly lurking.


Jaejoong’s eyes stayed fixed on the spot for a long time before he spoke, his voice barely audible even in the silence. “Can I still kiss you?” he asked.


“If you agree to this and I feel that we’re making progress, then yes, you can kiss me all you want,” I answered quickly.


His eyes softened and I couldn’t help the smile tugging at my lips, hope bubbling in my chest as he opened his mouth to speak again. “You promise?”


“I promise.”


He looked skeptical for a moment, but quickly returned his face to its blank slate. Silence consumed us once again as he shifted slightly in his seat, pulling lightly at his white sleeve before catching it between his teeth and asking another question. “…Can I kiss you now?”


“Do you agree to my terms?”




“Then close your eyes.”


I pulled him closer, and our lips met like it was the first time I’d ever kissed him. Blinding sweetness exploded over my senses, knocking me breathless with just a simple touch flesh. His arms wrapped around my neck and before I knew it, my tongue was pushing past his lips, tasting the boy I’d missed so much. He molded perfectly into my body as a breathy moan fanned out between us, every curve pulling away where I stuck out. He was beautiful. Even in the darkness of our closed eyelids I could see that. His tongue was the perfect mixture of submission with a hint of suppressed dominance and I couldn’t help biting down on it lightly when it peaked into my mouth.


He drew back slightly with a soft gasp, his nails digging into my neck at the pain, but he didn’t protest or push me away; he just froze. Not the rigid, terrified kind of freeze, but the kind that results from not knowing what to do next. Jaejoong was entirely at my will at that moment, and God did I want to take advantage of it. There was no doubt in my mind that he would have let me do anything to him… so I pulled my self away.


“I glad you decided to agree Jaejoong,” I said rather breathlessly. “I really think this will help you.”


Jaejoong stayed still and kept his eyes shut. “Will you bite me again?” he asked.


And quite frankly, that was where my mind completely failed. Jaejoong had asked me an innocent question and all I could do was fantasize about how I wanted to push him back onto the couch and bite him everywhere. For all I know he could very well not have liked to be bitten at all, so I decided to take the safe route out when words finally came back to me.


I cleared my throat and crossed my legs in attempt to adjust my suddenly uncomfortable pants, but both were in vain; pants were still too tight and my voice still sounded stupid. “No, I won’t do that anymore,” I choked out. “Sorry.”


Jaejoong still remained motionless. “Oh,” he said blankly.


Whether it was a good “oh” or a disappointed “oh,” I really couldn’t tell. His face was a blank mask even when he opened his eyes again and stared straight at me.


The atmosphere got horribly awkward after that, but apparently it was exactly what I needed to calm myself down. After only a few short minutes, I was thinking clearly enough to ask him a few questions (professional ones, yes) and found out that he doesn’t remember his biological father or his adoptive father at all. He doesn’t remember the abuse, and he doesn’t remember why he was taken from his parents. All he can recall is that his biological mother didn’t want him anymore and that he liked the man who took him away from them (whom I assumed was his social worker.)


“He had a really funny laugh,” was all Jaejoong would say about him until about ten minutes later after I had moved on from the subject.


“We have wings,” he blurted out somewhere in the middle of me asking about what he liked to eat for dinner. (It was relevant; I had to know if he would be staying at my house for a week.)


I stopped in mid-sentence and tilted my head. “Wings?” I echoed slowly.


“Yeah,” Jaejoong affirmed. “Look.” Before I could get another word in, Jaejoong had turned to face away from me, flipped the back of his white shirt over his head, and extended his shoulder blades almost all in one movement. The sharp bones jutted clearly from underneath his pale skin, perfectly framing trails of faded pink scars that led from the base of his neck to the middle of his back. Had Jaejoong not been emphasizing the worst of the marks with his “angel wings,” I probably would have missed them. They were mostly faded from years of wear and the miraculous healing ability of a child’s skin… I could only imagine how horrible the marks must have been fourteen years ago.


Without realizing it, my hand slowly reached out for him, moving centimeters at a time until my fingertips touched his back. Jaejoong shuddered almost violently at the touch, but he didn’t try to get away. Instead he lapsed into taking deep, shuddering breaths as I slowly traced each and every scar. I don’t know when the teardrop fell from my eye.


“How did you get these?” I breathed out.


Jaejoong stayed silent aside from his breathing- a long, shuddering movement that made my heart want to commit suicide. He didn’t deserve this… he didn’t deserve any of it.


“He tried to take my wings away,” Jaejoong finally muttered. I felt the words more than heard them.


“Who did?” I asked, staring hard at his back as I began to move my fingers again.


Jaejoong shifted. “He did.”


“The man who took you from your parents?”


“No. He did. The other one wanted to protect them. He said that he had them too, but they were invisible.”


Jaejoong looked over his shoulder at the floor beside us and I was finally able to see the hauntingly blank look in his dark eyes. They held such a terrible nothingness in them I was forced to look away. “Do you remember his name? The one who wanted to protect your wings?” I asked before pressing my entire hand against his back, fingers splaying out until each of them were perfectly aligned with the beginnings of five long trails.


“He was special.”


I brushed my fingers down, barely touching his skin with the tip of my nails. “Special how?”


He never answered.


February 21, 2003

Entry Seventy-Five


The encounter with Jaejoong yesterday made me think about things.


This boy is incredibly fragile- that much I’ve known from the beginning. His condition has put him through years of suffering, but there’s no doubt in my mind that it was the result of years of suffering too. Schizophrenia is a tricky thing really: it’s much more common than people would think, but there’s no certain cause for it. Some say that it’s genetic, some say it’s from cruel parental treatment or neglect as a child, and some say it’s a mixture of both; one can’t cause the disorder without the other.


What I know about Jaejoong’s birth parents is incredibly limited, but today (and on into this weekend) I plan to dig a bit deeper to find out as much as I can. It’s obvious that the cruel parental treatment and neglect were present when Jaejoong was still with his biological parents, I just don’t know exactly to what extent he was abused or if there is any history of schizophrenia in his family.


As much as I would have loved for those things to have already been documented and put on Jaejoong’s file, that information seemed to have fallen through the cracks when he was put through the adoption system. It happens, and there isn’t all that much anyone can do about it now, but I asked Mrs. Kim to leave the name and number of the social worker who took Jaejoong’s case fourteen years ago when she drops him off today. I just hope it doesn’t lead me to a dead end.


February 21, 2003

Entry Seventy-Six


I made arrangements with Jaejoong and his mother for him to stay for a week under my watch starting Monday. Until then, he will attend our regular sessions and continue to do so afterwards (and during if he chooses.) I admit that I’m a bit nervous about him staying the night at my house, but I know this is a necessary step in getting Jaejoong back to a normal life. As long as I can control myself there should be no problems.


I can do this.


February 23, 2003

Entry Seventy-Eight


Although today is my day off, I decided to do some extra work; it’s not like I have anything else to do.


I made several calls first thing in the morning: two to Hyori to make sure she had the new scheduling sorted out, four to the pharmacist to check up on my patient’s medications and alter a few prescriptions, and one to the number Mrs. Kim gave me on Friday. Thankfully it’s still a working number, but I only got a standard voicemail recording instead of speaking with the social worker. My name and number are on the machine now though, so I can only hope that it’s still the man’s number and that he will return my call soon.


On a similar note, Siwon-shii called somewhere around one or two-ish this afternoon to tell me that Heechul was out of the hospital and doing fine, and that he wanted Heechul to start attending his sessions with me again as soon as possible. Next week seemed to be the winner.


Aish… I’m so scatterbrained on Sundays. You’d think having a day off from speaking to the mentally insane would help me think more clearly…


Still, there’s work to be done in order to prepare for Jaejoong’s stay, and doing this isn’t helping with any of it. Mirrors need to be taken down, furniture needs to be covered, pictures need to be turned, my guest room has to be set up. So so much to do…


February 24, 2003

Entry Seventy-Nine


Today it begins. Jaejoong is switching times with Ryeowook for this week so he has the last session of the day and can go directly home with me in the evenings. Come 9:02pm, my real challenge starts.


February 24, 2003

Entry Eighty


It’s cute really: I never meant to play match-maker, but for two of my patients that seemed to be the case. Lee Hyukjae (or Eunhyuk as he prefers) is my second to last patient of the day, right before Kim Ryeowook, and stays behind every day after his session to see Ryeowook in the five short minutes they have between their sessions. Today though, was a bit different for them; Eunhyuk waited in the lobby like always, talking quietly to Hyori and subconsciously rubbing his skinny wrists as he waited, but instead of Ryeowook coming in at 7:30, it was Jaejoong who made an appearance.


He met with Ryeowook in a similar fashion when Kim Jongwoon moved out of the country and Eunhyuk had taken his place. Ryeowook was devastated at first, crying throughout his entire session when I told him Jongwoon wouldn’t be coming back. He became friends with Eunhyuk not long after though, and six months ago officially started dating.


Normally relationships like theirs are discouraged, and often not even allowed by their psychiatrist to start with, but I believe that they’re good for each other in more ways than just compatibility. Having similar disorders (Ryeowook with severe anorexia nervosa and Eunhyuk with Body Dysmorphic Disorder*) has actually proven to be a benefit instead of a hindrance like I’d originally suspected, and I’ve seen radical improvements ever since they started spending time together outside of my office. Eunhyuk has started dancing again (although it’s only been by himself or in front of Ryeowook and they have yet to successfully make it to a mirrored studio) and Ryeowook has gained around four pounds in the past month (before I was lucky if he gained one.) He’s kept it on too, and even started cooking again. They’re wonderful together; telling each other to eat more, encouraging, loving… They are the distraction the other needs from obsessive behavior and the reminder for things they would normally neglect like eating properly and taking medication.


It’s remarkable- truly and wonderfully remarkable how much they’ve improved because they found each other. I think that… maybe the one you love is the one thing that can make or break a person- sane or insane all the same.

*Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a disorder where the person is excessively concerned with a particular part of their body or a body as a whole that they think has something wrong with it ((looks horrible, defect ect...)) and it's often associated with eating disorders because of the similar anxieties with body image

A/N: ok, so this isn't actually the chapter that you all will shoot me for, but i'm 100% certain that the next one will be. it just gives a bit of insight to Jae's abuse and starts their homestay :] and yes, i know, eunwook= wtf? but i didn't know who to use as the side pairing so i asked my biffle angelwitch1287 to pick two suju members and one disorder, and this is what she gave me :]
oh, and new character in the next chapter too! take a guess at who it is and as always PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT <3

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