HolyStarDown (holystardown) wrote,

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good mood for me means updates for you :]

like the title says, i'm in a FREAKISHLY good mood today ((ignore the fact that i failed my math test)) and i am therefor giving you a TRIPLE update :D one chapter from hello, one decently old oneshot, and part one of LETTERS FROM MOTHER FUCKING WAR CHAPTER 20. oh i know, i'm excited too :]

granted, the LFW update isn't very long, nor is it very important, but! it's something. writer's block has been eating me alive for the past few months, but i managed to squeeze the first part of the chapter out and felt like i shouldn't make you wait any longer for it. the hello update will make you all shit birx and possibly shoot me ((*coughthenextfewchaptersareworsecough*)) :] the oneshot is... well it was me in my emo mood, k? the world needs some more fucking HoChul anyway ((yunchul?))

maybe you're asking why i'm in such a good mood? WELLLLL, i got some LFW written, which made me really happy after struggling with it for so long, my depression has gone away, taemin is <3, eunhae have sex on stage in SS3, the first three chapters of hello have broken 1000 hits <33333 ((ch1 has almost hit 2000 ;~;)) and the other three are not far behind the 1000 mark. i wish i could thank every single one of you personally, but... well... that would take me a very long time lol so i'll just say it here: THANK YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU ALL <3

AND now that you've lived through that ^, here is your update :]

Title: Hello
Length: [7/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane

{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6}

On a normal day, it only takes me about 10 minutes to get to the hospital from my office, but today it was a good half hour before I finally showed up at Heechul’s door. Somewhere between the highway and Gareul street, guilt came rushing at me, crushing my body as if I’d been hit by a truck. Really, I hadn’t originally planned on driving in circles around the hospital until it lessened enough for me to breathe (actually I didn’t plan on it hitting me at all) but it happened, and my hands were still shaking by the time I checked in at the front desk and made my way to Heechul’s room.


He was no longer sedated when I finally found the nerve to go in, but the room was still unnervingly quiet. I’m not entirely sure what I expected, I just knew that I probably wouldn’t be prepared anyway and accepted it, (Heechul was a pretty unpredictable person after all) but the room being absolutely silent would have been far from my guessing range.


Siwon had fallen asleep in the chair beside Heechul’s bed, pocket-sized Bible in hand and looking every bit as suave as when I’d first seen him despite being stuck here for 5 days. Heechul on the other hand, had never looked worse. His bright orange hair had faded and his eyes were sullen, staring straight ahead of him and accented with dark circles. My guess: he had been sitting straight up like that for hours, if not the entire day, and he probably hadn’t slept for even longer.


I swallowed hard to find my voice, clearing my throat a few times to get it right. “Heechul-shii?” I called softly, but he did nothing. My throat went completely dry and I closed the door behind me, taking nervous steps toward my patient. He briefly flexed his hand as I came closer, and only then did I notice the open notebook in his lap and pen loosely grasped in his left hand. A few characters had already been written on the page, so I took it as a good sign that Heechul was making an effort to speak again. This was good.


“I came by to drop off your medication and to see how you’re doing,” I started with renewed strength. “The nurse up front told me that you should be going home soon.”


He stayed frozen for a few moments, but just as I had hoped, Heechul soon tightened his grip on the pen and began to scribble characters on the page. I’d convinced myself that this was good too… until I saw what exactly he had written.


“I MISS HANGENG.” Plain, simple, and just enough to make me want to throw myself out the window. I could understand why he’d said it; people who have long-term hallucinations usually are upset when that familiarity is suddenly ripped away from them (especially when they become as attached to their hallucination as Heechul had become to Hangeng,) but it didn’t make me hate it any less. On top of that, he began to write more as I was thinking about it, and the new words made the window dive a very serious temptation.




My mouth dropped to say words I didn’t have, lips twitching slightly without sound. Fortunately for me, Siwon chose that moment to wake up and divert our attention. “Oh, Dr. Jung,” he mumbled, stretching out in the little space he had and snapping back to look completely perfect, as if he hadn’t just been sleeping in a hospital chair for five days. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were coming here today. Is there something wrong Doctor?”


Grateful for the interruption, I waved him off with a smile and shook my head. “No no, everything’s fine. I just came to drop off Heechul-shii’s medication,” I said quickly. “I have to get back to the office before my other patients come in. Sorry for bothering you.”


I tried to bow and leave, but Siwon seemed to have other plans for me. The man jumped to his feet and waved his hands between us, eyebrows sky-high and head shaking. “No, I’m glad you came!” he cut in. “I really wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for us Dr. Jung. I know Heechul doesn’t normally show his appreciation and the events of this week have been a bit hectic but… you should know that what you’ve done for him is truly a blessing from God. I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am for giving Heechul your absolute best and caring so much about him. I just… thank you.” Siwon took my hand in both of his and bowed deeply to me, head down and body bent at the waist. I’d never felt a stronger need to throw up in my life.


Unlike the trip to the hospital, I sped the entire way back to my office and flew out of my car to puke just outside my office. Never before have I had that kind of reaction to an encounter with a patient (even in my most repulsing cases) and I pray that it never has to happen again… for my own good and for that of my patient. Not only does the feeling suck worse than anything I’ve ever experienced, but it would also mean that I’ve failed a patient as badly as I have failed Heechul.


Still, somehow I managed to pull myself together before anyone noticed me outside, but the taste of bile stayed in the back of my throat for long after and reached its worst when I walked inside.


Jaejoong was sitting on the floor across from Hyori’s desk, shaking uncontrollably and pulling at his jacket sleeves as tears streamed down his face. His lips were bleeding and three blood-red roses sat at his feet.


I wanted more than anything to turn and throw up again, but I knew I couldn’t let Jaejoong see me like that; I’d done enough damage to my patients today as it was. Instead, I called out to him as softly as I could while still letting him hear me.


And immediately wished I hadn’t.


Two horribly blood-shot doe eyes looked up at me through a curtain of black silk, their owner falling quiet aside from deep, trembling breaths. He must have been like that for well over half an hour.


“He got here right after you left Dr. Jung,” Hyori said quickly, answering my unasked question. “I tried to call you but you never picked up. He wouldn’t let me get near him so I-”


I cut Hyori off with a sharp wave of my hand. “Go outside for while I get him calmed down,” I ordered.


Jaejoong was staring at me now, his eyes wide and filled with something I’d never seen from him. Thankfully Hyori left without question, but now that Jaejoong and I were completely alone, I didn’t know what to do. His sobbing had stopped but tears still rolled down his face in heavy trails, his breath still catching in choked gasps. All I could think to do was close my eyes, wipe his tears away as gently as I could, and thank God that he didn’t flinch away from me as I pulled him into my arms.


Instead his thin hands clamped onto my wrists and made sure my hands didn’t leave his skin. “You said you would be here,” he whimpered as his hands tightened on my arms. “I was… I wanted to… Why did you leave me with her?”


“I’m sorry Jaejoong,” was all I could say- over and over again as I held him, and eventually he started to relax into my touch. His face found a hiding spot in the crook of my neck and stayed there, warm drops of water splattering on the black fabric of my shirt with every tear that fell from his eyes. “I’m so sorry…”


Five minutes later, I’d carried Jaejoong into my office and closed the door behind us before lying down on my couch, Jaejoong still in my arms but tears no longer being shed. His damp eyelashes fluttered against my neck every time he blinked, and it was driving me crazy.


My heart ached from everything I’d put him through today, the pressure building with every soft puff of air that fanned out on my skin. I knew I’d messed up again… but this time it hurt. Jaejoong crying on my shoulder, the way he still came to me for comfort… everything just hurt, and I knew I needed a way out of it.


I threaded my fingers through Jaejoong’s hair as if asking permission to speak and took him snuggling closer to me as a yes. “Why did you bring roses here Jaejoong?” I asked softly. My words felt like glass shattering against the silence we had created, and honestly, I was terrified. There were so many other things I should have asked Jaejoong, but that was the only thing that came out, uncertain and nothing like what he needed from me. I was just glad he answered.


“They were for you,” he breathed out. The whisper felt like silk against my skin and his fingers skimmed light trails along my arms, teasing almost and making a shiver race through every nerve in my body like only he could do. “It’s Valentine’s Day.”


February fourteenth: Valentine’s Day. Jaejoong brought me roses on Valentines Day.


Before the thought could fully set in my mind, Jaejoong’s head fall limp against my shoulder and his grip on my arm loosened. Soft words spilled from his lips that no longer brushed against my neck, and I was almost sad for the loss. “If you didn’t want to see me that’s okay,” he said quietly. “I would want to spend it with someone else too.”


Jaejoong didn’t say anything else for the entire hour I was with him. Despite all my efforts to reassure him that yes, in fact I did want to be with him on Valentine’s Day, he kept his face pressed into my neck and his lips sealed. What exactly was keeping him silent I still haven’t figured out, but I’m determined to get the answer out of him tomorrow.


February 15, 2003

Entry Sixty-Eight


Jaejoong didn’t come today.


February 16, 2003

Entry Sixty-Nine


My dreams were ridden with all kinds of terrible nightmares and I couldn’t find anything to get my mind off of them.


I think I’ve started to hate not working on Sundays.


February 17, 2003

Entry Seventy


Jaejoong still didn’t come in today, but I did make a few decisions in the free time I had. Well, more like came up with ideas and will make decisions based on how those ideas play out. There are things that I’ve been neglecting to do for Jaejoong’s treatment (as I’ve reminded myself several times already,) and I realize that there are still many crucial bits of information I haven’t gathered from Jaejoong that I need in order to properly treat him both therapeutically and with medication. When (if) he decides to come back, I’ll be ready for it. Screwing around with him isn’t going to help either of us, and all I’ve done so far is waste our time. From now on, things are going to be different, and I mean it this time.


It’s not going to be anything dramatic really- just a few simple methods of getting answers from both Jaejoong and the people he comes into daily contact with. Although what I’m allowed to ask others aside from Jaejoong is limited and my time with them has to be minimal, outside information has helped me a lot with other patients before and I’m hoping it will do the same for him. My more direct method has to do with Jaejoong himself though. Um… obviously? God, what am I rambling about?


Anyway, a typical part of schizophrenia is having trouble with the “action/reward” system in a patient’s brain, and I’ve realized that I have a slight advantage in this area in Jaejoong’s case: he does something that shows that he’s making progress or gives me information I need to help him, I give him a reward. It’s going to be a bit risky and test pretty much every limit of my self control, but it’s also one of the most psychiatrically relevant things I’ve done with Jaejoong since he started coming to me a little over a month ago.


Honestly, I just hope this will work out.


February 18, 2003

Entry Seventy-One


“Mrs. Kim, tell me about your son.”


The woman sitting in my office blinked up at me, her dark brown eyes shining despite the pain that obviously hid behind them. “What would you like me to say?” she asked slowly.


“Anything that comes to your mind. His life before you adopted him, after you adopted him, things you like or dislike about him… anything.”


I watched Jaejoong’s mother carefully as she seemed to think about what exactly she wanted to say. After such a long contemplation, I honestly didn’t expect her to say anything important, but I was wrong.


“He was abused and abandoned as a child,” she said flatly. Her eyes were dead and hollow after the confession, her thin hands tightly clasped together until they practically turned white from the strain of keeping them there. “My husband and I didn’t really know what we were getting in to when we took Jaejoong in. He was always so quiet… We weren’t even sure he could speak at all until a month after we adopted him. But his smile- oh God his smile could make the angels cry. I think I’ve only seen it twice, but I remember it perfectly. It’s beautiful Dr. Jung.” The woman’s eyes glazed over for a second before snapping back to normal, her head shaking slightly as if to get herself back on track. “He never played with any other children, never played with toys, never took an interest in anything at school. He would just… stare. All the time. But he never looked anyone in the eye. We asked his social worker about it once, but she said it was normal for a child in his situation to act that way for the first few years of being taken to a new home.


“After that, we didn’t think anything of it until Jaejoong told us that he was seeing things that didn’t exist… hearing people that weren’t there. He started running away all the time too, sometimes for days. He would always come back fine though- or at least as fine as he could be- and act as though nothing had happened.” A sad smile tilted the corner of the woman’s lips for a moment and she seemed even more lost with each passing second of silence after her words.


“Is that why you weren’t bothered when I told you he was missing?” I prompted, to which she slowly nodded.


“I’ve gotten used to it,” she said simply. “It started when he was eleven. That was when my husband left us too; he said he couldn’t take Jaejoong anymore, so he left. I’m not sure Jaejoong even noticed. The only thing that changed in him was that he stopped making sense sometimes, and it just kept getting worse.”


Her words stopped again, but my pen continued to scribble across the pages in my notebook. There were so many more things that I could use with this new information I couldn’t write fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. “Mrs. Kim, is there any history of mental illness in Jaejoong’s biological family that you know of? Specifically schizophrenia?”


Unexpectedly, my question made her face turn horribly pale. “Is that what’s wrong with him?” she whispered.


I spared her a glance up from my notes but kept my face blank. “Since Jaejoong turned eighteen I am no longer able to disclose that information to you without his consent Ms. Kim. I’m sorry.”


I thought for sure that my words would upset her, but her face and hands surprisingly relaxed. She nodded slowly and caught her bottom lip between her teeth for a moment before speaking again. “He’s terrified of mirrors you know,” she said softly, almost as if she were telling me a secret. “I used to buy them for him all the time when he was little. He was such a pretty child… I thought he would want to see that, but every time he saw one he would cry for hours. I just don’t understand. By the time he was twelve I couldn’t let him go near them or he would start screaming and hitting himself over and over. I honestly think he hates himself Dr. Jung. I don’t understand why, but I think that he does.”


My pen halted at her last statement and my chest tightened badly enough to hurt. “You said that he was abused, correct?” I said as flatly as I could manage.


She nodded. “Yes. By his father.”


“What kind of abuse?”


She blinked at me for a while before answering. “I’m… not entirely sure,” she said slowly. “Jaejoong never said a word about it to anyone, and the only evidence they found were bruises all over his body. If anything beyond the… the physical abuse happened… Jaejoong has completely blocked it out of his mind. We’ll never know about it.”


I hummed in thought and scribbled some more. “Did his mother have any part in the abuse?”


“She ignored it. Ignored him. The case workers were unsure, but they said that it was unlikely that she paid him any attention at all.” Jaejoong’s adoptive mother shifted nervously in her seat after she’d spoken, and her eyes were flickering from one object in my office to the next at light speed. “How much longer is this going to take Dr. Jung? I really have to be somewhere i-”


“Not much longer Mrs. Kim,” I assured. “I just need to ask you a few more questions and we’ll be done.”


She didn’t seem to like my answer much, but nodded anyway, undoubtedly repeating the words in her head.


Again my pen started working. This was it: the final few questions that would get me almost exactly where I wanted to be with this meeting, and judging from the building cloud of tension surrounding Jaejoong’s mother, it wouldn’t be much longer at all. I let loose a ghost of a smile despite myself. “Have you noticed anything unusual or any changes in Jaejoong’s sleeping patterns in the past few years?” I asked, finally taking my eyes away from my notepad to look at her while she answered.


“He doesn’t sleep sometimes,” she said thoughtfully. “I know he has nightmares a lot, but I don’t think that’s the only thing that makes him do it. He… just has issues. Of course, he wouldn’t need you if he didn’t, but I mean he has issues with going to sleep some nights.”


As vague of an answer as that was, it was more than enough to get what I wanted out of this whole meeting. His mother’s fidgeting slowly smoothed out as I brushed my bangs from my eyes and gave her a leveled look. She widened her eyes slightly, but nothing more. “Does that mean anything?” she asked quietly.


I hummed in attempt to keep down my smile and wrote a few more words in my notebook before responding in the most indifferent tone I could manage. “Would you mind if Jaejoong stayed with a professional for a few days when he returns Mrs. Kim?” I offered instead of giving her a real answer. “I’d like to monitor Jaejoong’s sleeping patterns for myself if you don’t mind.”


“Yes!” she answered much too quickly, clearing her throat when she seemed to notice it too. “That would be fine Dr. Jung. Anything that can help him.”


“I assure you that it will be a big help,” I said with a hint of my smile breaking through. “All I need for you to do is contact me when he returns home and bring him here for his normal appointment time the next day. After that, I’ll need him here by 6:00pm every night for about a week. If there are any problems, please let my secretary know and we’ll be sure to arrange transportation for him. Thank you for your time Mrs. Kim.”


We both rose to our feet and I bowed deeply to Jaejoong’s mother as she left, partly to show respect and partly to let my burning cheek muscles finally have their way.

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