Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: I'M. EXCITED. PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF ENTRY DATES AND NUMBERS. SKIPS ARE INTENTIONAL.
January 13, 2003
Had horrible nightmares last night and never could get back to sleep. Thankfully, I don’t have any patients on Sundays. Feeling: tired.
January 14, 2003
Now that I’m able to think about it with a clear head, Jaejoong’s breakdown from Saturday made much more sense. Before he told me about his hate toward his own reflection, I thought it was just Heechul’s sudden advancements that caused Jaejoong to act the way he did, but after I got some much needed sleep, I began to think otherwise.
Jaejoong must have seen his reflection in Heechul’s eyes when he finally got close enough, which explains why he didn’t have an issue until they got right in front of each other… I don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier. Was it because I was blinded by just how beautiful Jaejoong was to see that he might not think the same way about himself? Was I just not paying enough attention to him? Regardless, I’ve decided to make some changes: my glasses are to be left at home (I put in an order for contacts yesterday morning that I picked up on the way to the office today,) the new mirror has been taken down, and I’m going to be extra careful about getting close enough to Jaejoong for him to see his reflection in my eyes. Maybe this way he’ll feel more comfortable talking to me.
January 14, 2003
Eisoptrophobia: fear of mirrors or seeing one self’s image.
Today, I did not see Jaejoong at all.
January 15, 2003
I stayed up late working on reports and filing prescriptions for my patients today. Everything was fine… until I got to Heechul. He’d started seeing his hallucination again a few days ago, and I decided that the dosage on his medication should be increased this week, even if just a bit.
“Lee Pharmaceuticals, Donghae speaking. Can I help you?”
“Yes, this is Dr. Jung Yunho. I need to re-file a prescription for one of my patients, Kim Heechul. He’s taking-”
“Kim Heechul?” I heard a few clicks and a soft hum before the pharmacist spoke again. “His meds haven’t been picked up since the fifth of this month doctor. Sorry.”
In other words, Heechul stopped taking his medication ten days ago- the same day that he stopped seeing Hangeng.
January 15, 2003
Just as I thought, removing the mirror from my office had an amazing effect on Jaejoong. Well, ok, so I did more than just take out the mirror and get contacts; the curtains were drawn over the window, a tablecloth spread over every piece of polished furniture, and every picture was turned down before he set foot in my office. Thankfully, my efforts were not in vain.
Jaejoong actually looked around for the first time since he’d come in- smooth sweeps with his eyes instead of franticly shifting glances he’d used the previous days. His body moved more freely and he seemed so much less on edge… It was amazing. Beauty whispered in every fiber of his being, calm I hadn’t seen before resonating in his eyes. Even his voice had more strength behind it. “My reflection is gone,” he stated simply.
I nodded. “Of course.”
Jaejoong turned smoothly and looked in my general direction. A sliver of hope shone behind his dark eyes, and the fingers fisted in front of his lips gradually moved away. “You did all this for me?”
I had to admit that I was surprised by just how much Jaejoong’s relaxation calmed my own nerves. But then, I never even knew I was tense in the first place. “My job is to make sure that you’re as comfortable as possible Jaejoong,” I said with a slight smile stretching my lips.
Not a second later, my breath was taken away; Jaejoong looked straight at me for the first time. “Thank you.”
Jaejoong’s tongue was loose when he finally sat down in his normal place, arms still wrapped around his legs and chin still resting between them. But he was looking at me. All of my questions were answered, maybe not exactly how I’d wanted them to be, but he answered them nonetheless.
“I take it you’re feeling better today?”
Jaejoong nodded slowly. “It’s easier when I can’t see myself. They don’t fight as much,” he answered.
My head titled slightly to the side and I recrossed my legs to lean further back into my chair. “Who doesn’t fight as much?”
“Micky, Xiah, Choikang, and the other one. They tell me that I don’t look good and they don’t want to look at me. The other one doesn’t agree with them so they fight.”
Now that’s something new… “Is that why you don’t like the way you look? Because Micky, Xiah, and Choikang tell you that you don’t look good?”
Jaejoong nodded again.
“Well they’re wrong,” I said. The words were simple, but Jaejoong seemed taken off guard by them. He looked at me with wide, questioning eyes and I decided to go on with my thoughts. “I agree with the other one Jaejoong; you’re very attractive.”
A light pink graced my young patient’s cheeks, his eyes shyly averting themselves from mine. “I wish that was true…”
“It is. Maybe one day you’ll be able to look in the mirror and realize that.”
January 16, 2003
The progress I made with Jaejoong yesterday got my spirits up for today. I came in early this morning to go through more files and make another call to the pharmacy; Heechul picked up his medication just a few minutes before. Now, whether he actually takes them or not is entirely up to him, but I believe he will with proper motivation. Beyond that it’s out of my control.
Anyway, my session with Jaejoong today was another success. I’m truly amazed that such a small thing like taking away mirrors could bring about so much change in him, and for once, I got a tiny glimpse of what goes on in his mind.
“Tell me some things you like to do Jaejoong.”
My young patient pulled his focus away from the tree in the corner of my office to look at me through dark lashes. “Does it matter what I like to do?” he asked softly.
Probably not. “Of course it does. I need to know as much about you as I can so I can help you.”
He hesitated at first, looking away from me again before answering. “I like to cook.”
Again he hesitated. “Yes. I could make you something if you want. I don’t think you’ll like it, but I would try.”
I smiled in attempt to reassure him even though I knew he wasn’t looking. “I’m sure it would be delicious Jaejoong.”
Despite my words, Jaejoong’s eyebrows scrunched together and his head fell to rest on his arms. His eyes however softened, his mind lost in thought trying to find the words he wanted to say. “My Umma… says that I shouldn’t cook because I can’t.”
“What do you mean?”
He tightened his hold on his legs, his eyes brimming with an unspoken pain that I wished I could take away from him. “I can’t use the glass things or the metal things. I see my reflection and Umma has to take me away but… that just makes them say more things I don’t like.”
I prayed that my next question wouldn’t turn him away from me again as carefully chosen words spilled from my mouth into the air between us. “What do they say that you don’t like?”
“They say she wants to make me alone again.” His voice trembled and again he tightened his arms, but it was an answer.
“Why do they think she wants you to be alone?”
Unfortunately, that was where I lost him. Still, I got something relevant out of him despite using a pretty irrelevant question to get there. Jaejoong is a good person, no doubt about that… he just has more problems than people normally do. I’m not sure why I feel so drawn to his case. Maybe it’s because he has such a moderate case of schizophrenia, and aside from Dr. Shim, my secretary, and the occasional pharmacist, he is the most sane person I talk to during the day. I don’t know…
Hopefully tomorrow will bring about even more success with him.
January 18, 2003
I’ve felt strange all day today. Not strange as in a sick kind of strange- just… strange. I don’t know how to describe it. Even before my unproductive session with Heechul and my even worse session with Jaejoong, I felt it there. It’s almost like there’s something shoved back to the shadows of my mind that wants to come out and show itself to the world, begging and pleading me to just let it go. I wouldn’t have known how to do that even if I’d wanted to. Still, seeing my patients today just threw me more off balance.
Heechul was… very irritated from the second he walked in to my office until the second he left. My guess was that he’d started taking his medication again and lost sight of Hangeng, which was good; the medication is supposed to take his hallucinations away. But Heechul was not so thrilled. Over and over again he asked me where Hangeng had gone, when he was coming back, why he’d left in the first place without telling him, and called him several colorful names in both Korean and Chinese for it.
It’s not uncommon for this sort of thing to happen with patients of his kind, but when he started spewing Chinese all of that changed. He became irrational, started screaming Hangeng’s name even as I tried to calm him down. Nothing I did worked and I began to do what I knew I shouldn’t have: I told him that Hangeng was only gone for a while and would be back soon. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I told my self I shouldn’t have done it. But I did, and the instant the words left my mouth Heechul calmed down.
I lied to my patient and he believed me.
January 19, 2003
I couldn’t finish what I was writing yesterday. I still can’t even think much about it. Still, Dr. Shim told me to write what bothers me, and more than anything, this bothered me. As much as I’d like to say Heechul’s session was the worst of the day, it wasn’t; Jaejoong’s was just as horrible. No, I didn’t lie to Jaejoong about his voices I just… couldn’t reach him like I have been for the past few days. He was just so far gone.
From the moment Jaejoong set foot in my office I could tell that something was off. His demeanor was the same as it had been his first day here; jerky, controlled movements accompanied with an overall feeling of distress hanging in the air between us.
I double- no, triple checked everything in my office to make sure he couldn’t possibly see his reflection and there was nothing left uncovered.
Ten minutes passed by like this: Jaejoong’s shaking fist covering the soft lips his teeth didn’t hesitate to gnaw bloody. When the first crimson drop slid down his porcelain skin, I’d had enough.
Without thinking much about it, I got up from my chair and kneeled in front of Jaejoong, prying his hands away from his mouth only to have them shoot up and cover his ears. “Jaejoong tell me what’s wrong,” I demanded just before his eyes sealed shut.
“They won’t stop,” he whimpered. He tried to bury his face between his knees, but I held his face up with nothing more than two fingers.
“What are they shouting about?”
“You.” Tears of untold horror created sparkling trails down Jaejoong’s cheeks as they fell from his tightly closed eyes. I couldn’t stop them.
My voice escaped me and I could say nothing as I watched his tears fall. My lips stayed parted in silence, no words registering in my mind that felt right to say. I didn’t want him to cry. I couldn’t let him cry. “What are they saying about me?”
My voice was barely above a whisper, but Jaejoong acted as if I’d screamed it at him. “I can’t tell you! I’m not allowed to tell you!”
“Who says you aren’t allowed to tell me?”
“Who is everybody? I promise, if you tell me they won’t find out.”
“No!” Jaejoong shrieked. “Everybody is everybody and everybody always knows. They can’t know… Not yet… Not yet… Not yet…”
He still wasn’t completely himself after our session, even though his chanting had stopped and I kept him for an extra five minutes. I don’t know what came over me when I saw his tears… all I knew was that I wanted them to go away.
January 20, 2003
The strange feeling from this weekend still hasn’t completely gone away, but I’m glad to say it’s gotten lighter. It was there today, no doubt, and it hung over me from the second I woke up and still lingers now. I just wish it would go away for a while so I could think clearly enough to figure out why I was feeling this way in the first place.
The worst of it came when my office was empty at 9:30am. Despite my secretary reassuring me that Jaejoong’s mother had dropped him off on time, my young patient was nowhere to be found… until twenty minutes later. With my coat wrapped tightly around my body, I stepped out into the cold, unsure of where I was going or what exactly was leading me there. Step by step I wandered further from my office down unfamiliar streets, small flakes of white gently falling from the clouds and dusting my hair.
I needed to be somewhere, find something, I just didn’t know where or what. It didn’t even make sense to me why I didn’t turn around and go back to my office, but I couldn’t stop. I passed alley after alley as minutes ticked away the time I was supposed to spend with Jaejoong, my mind set on nothing yet everything at the same time. It was so ridiculous… until I found him.
Strands of snow-powdered raven and a bright blue jacket caught my eye. My head snapped in his direction, heart racing with a relief I’d never felt before in my life. “Jaejoong!” I called out, a ridiculous smile spreading my lips. Was what I was looking for? It didn’t matter- I didn’t even care. Even if he wasn’t, I couldn’t contain how ecstatic I was to see his beautiful face.
“You found me,” he stated simply. Haunted black eyes looked up at me as I stepped further into the alley, uneasiness growing in them with every click of my heels.
Reflection Yunho… He can’t see his reflection…
“Fancy that,” I said with a smile, my eyes sliding shut as soon as I was close enough to Jaejoong to kneel in front of him. His thin arms were wrapped around his knees like normal, his chin resting between them and bangs falling in front of the gates to his soul. I imagined he was looking at me, but I couldn’t be sure in the darkness that surrounded me. “Why are you out here Jaejoong-ah?”
I imagined him shifting nervously, the ruffling of cloth telling me that he’d moved. “Because you’re mad at me,” he said softly.
My head tilted to the side and I blindly reached for something to steady myself. “Why do you think I’m mad at you?” I asked.
“Because I thought bad things yesterday… They said… you don’t like me anymore…” I heard a soft sniffle and more clothes rustling after his trembling voice.
“That’s not true Jaejoong. What were you thinking that would make me not like you?”
“I can’t… You can’t know. They won’t let me…”
“Won’t let you what?”
I heard skin slapping hard against skin and more cloth rustling in a jerky movement. “Bad things. I can’t tell you the bad things. Not yet… Zero one two six zero three. Seven five one…”
His breath started to shake as he repeated those numbers over and over, my own face only scrunching in confusion. “What do those numbers mean?” I asked, but he kept repeating them as if he didn’t hear me; he probably couldn’t in his state. Trying to get any more answers from him would be useless. “Jaejoong, come back to my office with me. Your umma will be worried if we aren’t there when she comes to pick you up.”
It took fifteen minutes to finally get Jaejoong to get up and follow me, another twenty to find my way back to the office even with Jaejoong muttering directions to me every few minutes. He said nothing else.
January 21, 2003
Today was… better than yesterday for the most part. Heechul refused to speak for the first time since I met him, the usual chatterbox falling silent and glaring at the floor for the entire hour. Jaejoong’s session on the other hand, went slightly better.
He came to office on time without me having to search for him, his face blank and eyes accented with dark circles.
“Did you sleep well last night Jaejoong?”
My young patient’s weary eyes lifted to stare into mine as his body settled in his normal position on the couch. “I didn’t,” he said quietly, his fingers nervously pulling at his sleeves. “I was wondering if I could sleep here.”
A slight pain burned in my chest at the weakness of his voice; he sounded like nothing more than an abandoned child. “Of course you can,” I answered automatically. “Can you tell me why you didn’t sleep first?”
I was afraid that Jaejoong wouldn’t answer me; he flipped his black hood over his head and stretched out on the couch, flipping over to lie on his stomach without saying a word. His slender body took up the entire length of my black leather couch, his pale skin peaking out slightly in a stark contrast to the black fabrics surrounding him. I couldn’t stop staring… Only when he spoke could I tear my eyes away.
“I didn’t want to dream,” he said softly.
“I didn’t sleep last night because I didn’t want to have my dream again.”
I had to clear my throat before I trusted my voice enough to speak and loosed my suddenly tight collar. “What is it that you didn’t want to dream about?”
Jaejoong didn’t answer me for a long time and I had begun to think he fell asleep. His thin chest rose and fell slowly with his silent breaths, the rest of his body completely still. And that was fine; I’d told him he could sleep here if he wanted to. True, I wasn’t exactly supposed to allow that since it was wasting my time and his mother’s money, but I couldn’t say no. Something about him makes me want to try everything in my power to help him, no matter how far-fetched the action might be.
“I don’t think they’ll let me tell you.”
Again I was shaken from my directionless thoughts and forced to say something highly professional. “Huh?”
“Choikang, Xiah, Micky and U-know.”
“Yes.” Jaejoong freed one of his hands from the dark leather and wrote letters in the sky, spelling it in English as he moved his finger. “U-K-N-O-W,” he spelled slowly.
That sounded… very suspiciously like my first name. “Who is U-know?” I asked him.
“The other voice. He told me his name last night.”
Now I know my first name isn’t a secret, but I was positive that Jaejoong didn’t know it; most of my patients never did. To them I was just Dr. Jung, never Yunho. My first name wasn’t even posted on my door! I scribbled a few things in my notes, loosening my collar again with my other hand, and picked my words carefully. “Jaejoong, do you know my first name?” I asked.
The young boy paused in thought as he returned his hand from the air. “No. I’m sorry,” he answered quietly.
So many things poured into my head at once, blending and molding and spinning together until I couldn’t decipher one from the other. The worst part about it? I didn’t know why. Yes, it was a bit concerning that Jaejoong named one of his voices after me, even more so that he said he didn’t even know my first name, but it shouldn’t have been a big deal. Jaejoong could be lying. Or maybe he picked up the name from Heechul that day when he told Jaejoong to ask me for his number. Regardless, it shouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much as it did. U-know huh? “That’s okay Jaejoong,” I said, clearing my throat again afterwards. “Why doesn’t U-know want you to tell me about your dream?”
“Not just U-know. Choikang, Micky, and Xiah too. They don’t want me to tell you. Any of them. They said… you can’t know about the bad things I was thinking yesterday. My dreams… were that. They said you’re not allowed to know yet and I can’t tell you.” He shifted slightly and buried his face further into the couch. “Can I sleep now?”
I nodded despite knowing he couldn’t see it. “Just answer one more question for me.”
Jaejoong hesitated again with his answer, his arm coming up to slowly curl around his head and fingers threading into his silky hair. “Just one?”
I smiled when I heard his soft voice assenting to my request. “Alright then. Why are you okay with sleeping here and not at home?” I asked smoothly. “Wouldn’t your dream be the same here as it would there?”
It took a while for Jaejoong to speak again, and when he did, I still wasn’t prepared for his words.
“Being with you makes the bad things go away.”
A/N: likey? y/n? :D leave me a comment?
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