July 16th, 2010

i'm baaack~

oh yes, i'm back from my trip and excited as hell :] i'm sorry i told a few of you that i would be posting yesterday, but my biffle came over and i got distracted <3 anyway! i come back to you with not just ONE, not just a DOUBLE UPDATE, oh no and not even a TRIPLE UPDATE, but i come back bearing FOUR. BRAND. NEW. UPDATES. YES FOUR. that means TWO brand spankin new chapters from Hello, ((this is the first one)) and two brand new oneshots :] why so many? two things: one, i came back to 23  new comments :D ((yall know who you are and i thank you to no end <3)) and two, i had a LOT of inspiration over my break. i wrote more oneshots actually, but those will come if i get stuck and haven't posted anytihng for a while. anyway, enjoy~ :D 


Title: Hello
Length: [4/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF ENTRY DATES AND NUMBERS. SKIPS ARE INTENTIONAL.


{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3}



“I don’t think he ever got over it…”

 

“Doctor says he never will…”

 

“No one knows why he did it…”

 

“Just snapped, out of nowhere…”

 

“Never stood a chance…”

 

“Tragic…”

 

January 30, 2003

Entry Forty

 

Just as I expected after my late-night epiphany, Jaejoong perked up when he saw that I wasn’t wearing my glasses today. Actually, perked up wouldn’t be the right phrase for it… his hands practically never left my body. They left gentle touches on almost every inch of my skin, and I let it happen; I didn’t want to stop him. After the severe regression I saw in him yesterday I was willing to go along with anything that kept that beautiful smile on his face.

 

“Micky says that white looks good on you,” Jaejoong said as his hand stroked the white fabric covering my shoulder.

 

“Do you think it looks good?” My eyes were locked on his bright smile, and I couldn’t find it in myself to care about anything else.

 

Jaejoong practically sparkled as words pour from his lips. “Yes I like it a lot,” he said smoothly. “I say you look best in black, but they don’t agree with that.”

 

“Only your opinion matters Jaejoong. You don’t have to listen to them.” See? I can still fit some psychiatric advice into this situation.

 

But Jaejoong paid no mind to it. Delicate fingers trailed down my thigh before his head took their place. It was a strange thing to look at really. Jaejoong was so fidgety and on-edge yesterday, but now… I couldn’t think of anything that looked more peaceful. A gentle heat seeped through my skin from where his cheek laid against me, and I just watched his eyes blink slowly until they finally came to a close.

 

“Did you sleep last night?” I asked softly. It was a lot harder then it should have been to stop myself from running my fingers through his hair as he nodded.

 

“I did,” he answered. “But I stayed up late thinking about you.”

 

I found out what it felt like to have your heart explode, and my smile stretched so far my cheeks hurt. “Really?” I asked, trying my best and failing not sound like the happiest man alive as he nodded again.

 

“It was hard though,” he said after a while, causing my smile to falter slightly.

 

Regardless, I shifted to get Jaejoong’s body closer to mine and wrapped the arm not occupied with his hair around his waist; in return I felt soft lips pressed against my neck. “Do you know why?”

 

A tongue peaked out to join the lips so light and briefly I though I’d imagined it. “They were arguing,” he whispered after licking his lips. “They said you did it on purpose but U-know wouldn’t believe them. He likes you a lot- like I do.” Jaejoong smiled brightly against my skin, but I was confused.

 

“What did I do on purpose?”

 

“Your glasses. You didn’t want to see me yesterday so you wore them. It’s okay though; I wouldn’t want to see me either.”

 

Jaejoong’s comment left me absolutely speechless for much longer than it should have. So many things I could have said passed through my mind, but none of them ever made it out. “Of course I didn’t wear my glasses on purpose,” “I would never not want to see you Jaejoong,” “Why would you think that?” “I can’t stand it when you’re afraid of me.” Nothing but silence.

 

All I could do was run my fingers through his hair until he fell asleep in my arms.

 

February 3, 2003

Entry Forty-Five

 

I don’t think I’ve ever been more eager to go to work on a Monday before. Sure, I love my job (I love just about everything about it,) but I’ve never wanted to be in the office this much. The reason? I can finally start the process of deciding which medication to prescribe to Jaejoong. I know that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing all along, but now I get to make it official- written analysis, phone calls, structured evaluations, paper work and such. I’ve been seeing him for almost a month now, and his condition is pretty mild, so this should be a piece of cake.

 

And maybe I’m looking forward to getting a kiss from him today.

 

February 3, 2003

Entry Forty-Six

 

I was… shocked when Jaejoong came in today. No, I don’t think shocked was the right word for it. I guess it would be easier just to write what happened.

 

He looked beautiful. He always does. Lenses of sapphire covered his dark eyes and a light pink dusted his cheeks as he came in, hands secure behind his back and teeth nibbling at his bottom lip. Right away I knew I needed to change all that, no matter how adorable I thought it was. “Is something wrong Jaejoong?” I asked.

 

He blinked at me a moment before giving an answer, his voice unsteady and quieter than normal. “No, I’m fine. I was just… thinking about you last night and… well… I just thought that… maybe you would… want… this…” My patient hesitated for a second before he slowly brought his hands in front of his body and revealed a small bowl of carefully prepared kimchi.

 

My eyes widened as he held it out to me and his blush darkened. “It’s not very good but I hope you like it because I spent a long time on it and I tried really hard to get it right but I don’t think it worked even though I made sure that I did everything exactly like I was supposed to and I still don’t think it’s good enough for you so… I’m sorry,” he said in a rush.

 

My heart fluttered when he put the dish in my hands anyway. “I’m sure it’s delicious Jaejoong,” I said with a smile. I knew cooking was a difficult thing for him to do; just about everything in a kitchen has a reflective surface. If Jaejoong put so much effort into making something for me... Can I write anything other than a smiley face? J “Thank you.” I muttered. A skeptical glint remained in Jaejoong’s eyes, but his lids still closed and he pressed his lips to mine.

 

The kiss was slow; no tongue, no groping, no anything. He laced his fingers through mine and just stayed there like nothing else existed. I didn’t stop him. I didn’t want to.

 

I didn’t care that anyone could walk into my office at any second and see us together, or that I shouldn’t have been kissing him in the first place. I just wanted him to stay there and for our lips to never part. His soft lips seemed to mold into the frame that was my own, and I swear I got a taste of what heaven is like. We’d kissed several times before, but this was just… indescribable.

 

I don’t remember when it happened, but soon the kimchi in my hand was gone and my arm made itself at home around Jaejoong’s slender waist, caressing his side without a care in the world. I could feel him smile against my lips just before we parted, and it lingered long after even though I stayed too close for him to open his eyes.

 

“You’re beautiful,” I breathed against his skin, my forehead falling forward to gently bump into his. It felt like I needed to say that to him; that maybe if I said it enough he would believe me. Jaejoong was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life and I wanted him to know it.

 

February 4, 2003

Entry Forty-Seven

 

I woke up this morning with a massive cramp in my right arm and a pen stuck to my cheek. Despite having only fifteen minutes to get ready, I made absolute certain that I put my contacts in and, for once in a very long time, I took extra care into looking good today. Jaejoong deserved at least that much from me.

 

February 6, 2003

Entry Fifty-One

 

I couldn’t possibly describe how I feel right now. Jaejoong just left. I’m alone in my office. I can’t stop smiling.

 

Every day brings a new opportunity for him to leave me speechless, and he takes it right up as if he’d always known he could. Of course I’m not complaining… I’ve come to terms with our situation and decided that as long as I don’t let it escalate too far, and as long as no one else finds out about this, I can let him be with me for now. It’s a risky and dangerous and probably crazy move, but I can’t deny what I feel towards Jaejoong anymore. He makes my heart shudder in ways that no other person (especially no woman) ever has. Just his smile turns up the corner of my own mouth. It’s so strange how… without any permission at all… Jaejoong has stolen my heart and become the center of my life.

 

The first thing I smiled at all day was when Jaejoong walked in to my office, slender hands once again held behind his back and bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Don’t listen. It won’t be very good,” I barely heard him mutter, the door finally closed behind him. He shifted on his feet slightly and shot a quick glance to the corner of my office. “They told me not to do it so I thought… if you don’t hear me, it might be okay.”

 

I cocked my head slightly. “Listen to what?” I asked.

 

Jaejoong furiously shook his head. “Just don’t listen.”

 

The corner of my lips turned up into a playful smile and I nodded. “Okay,” I said slowly. Let me be honest for a second; when someone tells you not to do something, it’s human nature for you to only want it more and often do it anyway just because they brought it to your attention. Well, believe it or not, I am in fact human, so my ears automatically sought out the sound of Jaejoong’s voice.

 

He spoke so quietly. “Close your eyes,” he ordered.

 

“Alright.”

 

My world was thrown into darkness, but I heard the ruffle of Jaejoong’s clothes and a short, metallic scratching before a soft melody floated to my ears. “Saengil chukha hamnida… Saengil chukha hamnida… (Happy birthday to you… happy birthday to you…)” he sang- beautifully and quietly- and my God it was over far too soon.

 

The sweetness of chocolate laced with the scent of burning candles drifted to me, making my mouth water and eyes desperate to see the world again. I can’t remember a time I’ve ever wanted something so badly, but I knew Jaejoong was too close to me for it to be safe and for the moment, I had to wait. My sense of time had disintegrated while Jaejoong sang; the song too short, the silence after a suffocating eternity.

 

“You can open your eyes and listen now,” his soft voice finally said.

 

I didn’t hesitate for a second. My eyes gratefully flew open and were greeted with a bright orange glow. Three white candles gleamed at me from a small mound of perfectly sculpted chocolate, their glow illuminating Jaejoong’s closed eyelids.

 

“I’m sorry if you don’t like chocolate…” he muttered. “I just thought that maybe you did because I saw a Hershey bar on your desk but you could have just left it there because you don’t like it but I couldn’t be sure so I just guessed and I didn’t know how old you were so I guess that too and I thought it was thirty something so I put three candles, one for every ten years but-”

 

My breath was lodged in my throat. “How did you know?” I cut in.

 

Jaejoong’s brows knitted together. “Huh?”

 

“How did you know my birthday was today?” I took the cake from Jaejoong’s hands and set it on my desk before caressing his cheek with the back of my hand. “Open your eyes. I want to see you.”

 

His muscles noticeably tensed under my touch. “I can’t.”

 

A light sigh escaped my lips and my hand left his face. Two steps should be enough.

 

“How about now?”

 

Jaejoong’s eyes fluttered open and a smile lit up his face. “U-know told me,” he answered.

 

My mouth opened to say something, but the words I wanted changed on me. “He knows a lot about me,” I said.

 

His smile didn’t falter. “He doesn’t know how old you are.”

 

“Thirty-one…” I muttered.

 

And that was when the wrongness of it all hit me again. Jaejoong was eighteen. I was 31- almost twice his age. Guilt twisted my throat into impossible knots, and I found it much harder to speak than it had been a few seconds ago. “Th-that doesn’t bother you?” I choked out as Jaejoong continued to smile at me.

 

He shook his head.

 

“Not at all?”

 

Again, his head shook from side to side. “Choikang says you’re old sometimes, but I don’t mind. Age is just a number, right?”

 

I couldn’t answer. I just flashed an uneasy smile and thanked him again for the cake.

 

“I-I have something else…” Jaejoong’s face burned a deep red and his gaze dropped to the floor. “Micky said that you would like it… but Xiah doesn’t want me to.”

 

“Do you want to do it?” I asked. “Forget what Xiah and Micky say. The only opinion that matters is yours.”

 

The reaction was hesitant, but Jaejoong eventually nodded. “I want it,” he assured; whether he was assuring me or himself I didn’t know. Determination set in his eyes and they locked on my face again. “Sit down and close your eyes. I need to get close to you.”

 

I have to admit, I was a little shocked by the new authority in his voice, but a shiver went through my body and I did what he said. “Can I ask you what you’re going to do?” A slight smile played on my lips, anticipation for whatever he had in store for me sending electricity to every nerve. I felt Jaejoong kneel in front of me, his hand cradling my face while the other took its place around my neck. His breath fanned out on my skin in strong, controlled gusts before he pressed his lips against mine in a luxurious kiss. I almost lost it right then and there, but I was forced back into reality when the top button of my shirt came undone.

 

I abruptly pulled away from his touch. “Jaejoong what-”

 

“Just relax,” he whispered.

 

Honestly, I didn’t know how he expected me to relax. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have even if I did. The rest of my buttons soon joined the first, and my chest was at the mercy of Jaejoong’s icy fingers. They brushed against my skin in delicate sweeps, sending shivers to every part of my body and blood to parts it shouldn’t have been. All I remember thinking was “Oh no, oh God no…” over and over, but he never stopped. His twisted little game continued down to my belt- one step below- and yet I never tried to stop him. “Please Jaejoong, you don’t want to do this. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself in to,” I pleaded in my mind. Only one word came out. “Jaejoong…” It sounded more like a moan than a protest, but he still paused.

 

“I’ve never done this before,” he admitted sheepishly. His hands traced along the hem of my boxers and I could imagine his dark eyes staring at my growing shame. Feather-light touches teased the clothed skin, my toes curling at the sensations I shouldn’t have felt.

 

“Y-you don’t… have to do this,” I choked out. “You shouldn’t do this.”

 

The hand that remained behind my neck shifted slightly, his fingertips softly stroking my skin. “It’s your birthday. I want to make you feel good.”

 

I could still feel his delicate lips on me long after he left, and every time I so much as think about the cake he gave me I can’t help but shiver. Jaejoong sure can put chocolate frosting to good use when he puts his mind to it.

 

February 7, 2003

Entry Fifty-Two

 

I woke up three times because of my dreams. It’s about 4am right now, so I gave up on going back to sleep. I need to do laundry now anyway.

 

February 7, 2003

Entry Fifty-Three

 

I fell asleep against the dryer this morning, but thankfully the buzzer woke me up on time to get ready for work. And I kind of cheated a bit… I had a piece of cake with my coffee before I left.

 

February 7, 2003

Entry Fifty- Four

 

Jaejoong has a wonderful way of making a shitty day better. Just seeing him smile and feeling his kiss first thing when he walks in makes everything that much more bearable.

 

“Do you feel older?” Jaejoong asked, his fingers lightly pulling on his jacket sleeves. He’d been asking these sorts of off-topic questions all day and ignoring mine, so I decided to play along with it.

 

“Not really.” I laughed a bit and drew a smiley face in my notes. “After I hit thirty I tried to stop thinking about it.”

 

Jaejoong just blinked slowly at my answer, ignoring it as far as I could tell. “Do your parents still love you?”

 

Truthfully, I didn’t know how to react to that at first; my heart skipped beats and the room became deathly quiet. I hadn’t spoken to my parents since college, but that had nothing to do with whether they loved me or not. I’ve just never had time to call. Really. “Why would you ask that?”

 

The failed attempt to keep my voice level seemed to go unnoticed, but at least I got an answer from him. Dark, sad eyes stared up at me as he spoke, and I felt my heart breaking anew. “She doesn’t love me anymore. I got too old.”

 

My eyes burned.

 

“I don’t think mothers like old people. My first Umma thought I was old a long time ago, and I guess my Umma now figured out I’m old too.” Everything Jaejoong said, (those heartbreaking things) all came out so passively, like we were talking about anything else. I have to admit, I was expecting him to be… much more upset about it. He’d always talked about his (current) mother as someone he didn’t want to disappoint; someone he wanted to be loved by more than anything. But… it was almost like he didn’t care.

 

“Does that bother you?” I asked.

 

His eyes returned to the corner with the tree, and I was half tempted to follow his action. “Not anymore,” he replied simply.

 

“No?”

 

He smiled slightly and looked right at me. “I have someone better to love me now.”


A/N: :D alright! so! you're probably thinking "bitch you said four updates so where the HELL is the new chapter of letters from war? *raise pitchfork*" well, put your weapons down for a minute ladies ((and gentlemen.))
there is a LOT going to happen in the new LFW chapter so it's taking me a bit longer to write. most importantly, there's a new character coming in who is going to be extremely important in the long run and just so you know ahead of time, i've had this part and his role planned out for about a year and a half. yall will probably shoot me anyway :] but! expect it within the next two weeks :3 thanks for keeping your patience with me <3
COMMENT TO SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME :D


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I Want You to Play a Song for Me

oh yes, i'm back from my trip and excited as hell :] i'm sorry i told a few of you that i would be posting yesterday, but my biffle came over and i got distracted <3 anyway! i come back to you with not just ONE, not just a DOUBLE UPDATE, oh no and not even a TRIPLE UPDATE, but i come back bearing FOUR. BRAND. NEW. UPDATES. YES FOUR. that means TWO brand spankin new chapters from Hello,  and two brand new oneshots ((this is the first one)) :] why so many? two things: one, i came back to 23  new comments :D ((yall know who you are and i thank you to no end <3)) and two, i had a LOT of inspiration over my break. i wrote more oneshots actually, but those will come if i get stuck and haven't posted anytihng for a while. anyway, enjoy~ :D 

Title: I Want You to Play a Song for Me 
Length: One-Shot
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: HenWook 
Rating: PG
Genre: Grab a box of tissues 
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: He knew. They all knew.
Author's Note: Listen to one of these two songs while reading this fic tp get the full affect http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LqKuPPxi_M or the song i had in mind for Henry to be playing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2VX290UOLI


“Henry-ah… I want you to play a song for me.”

 

Ryeowook is dying; it’s no secret. Everyone knew it, everyone saw it coming, but no one accepted it. Leeteuk cried himself to sleep for days- Zhou Mi weeks- and Henry had never stopped.

 

“He’s anemic,” the doctor had told them, news to everyone but Ryeowook himself. He knew and never said a word or took necessary treatment. He didn’t want to show them his weakness, show them that his heart wasn’t as strong as everyone always thought it was, but the already sharp planes of his face soon began to cut through his skin and bones made their appearance in all the wrong places. Everyone knew.

 

He can barely speak or even open his eyes when he calls Henry into his room. Three days tops, and it was still too soon.

 

(“Play me a song Henli-ah…” the boy says, voice trembling and barely there. He knew it was coming.

 

Henry takes the other’s hand and caresses it gently. “Will you still be here when I stop?” he asks.

 

Ryeowook nods and tries to smile. “Of course I will.”)

 

Ryeowook closes his eyes as Henry draws his bow back, takes a deep breath when the first note is played. He knows.

 

He keeps playing until his tears blend with the air he’s breathing, rivers of the darkest blue flowing from the strings of his violin to flood the dorm with the agony of his soul.

 

(Donghae never believed it when Henry told him you can make a violin cry until that day.)

 

Henry didn’t stop playing. Even when he felt like he was suffocating on the air in his lungs and his fingers would bleed, the river kept flowing and the world kept turning.

 

(I can never stop. You promised that you would be here. If I stop I’ll never see you again.)

 

Ryeowook looked at peace in his bed; skin smooth and flawless despite it being drawn too thin, a glimmer of a smile just barely turning up the corner of his lips. Soon the worries of the world would never be able to touch him again.

 

Henry knew. He didn’t want to know. So his fingers kept moving and the tears kept coming. More and more and more until he didn’t know what to do with himself.

 

He couldn’t play anymore.

 

The music stopped, and the only thing left behind were mere echoes lingering in the darkness that surrounded them.

 

Henry kept breathing, but Ryeowook never opened his eyes.



A/N: shoot me not! i love ryeowook and henry hardcore <3 if it helps, i nearly died writing this thing and listening to 'hear our prayers' and 'grandpa's violin' on repeat for a good 30 minutes. it was awful D:
A/N2: :D alright! so! you're probably thinking "bitch you said four updates so where the HELL is the new chapter of letters from war? *raise pitchfork*" well, put your weapons down for a minute ladies ((and gentlemen.))
there is a LOT going to happen in the new LFW chapter so it's taking me a bit longer to write. most importantly, there's a new character coming in who is going to be extremely important in the long run and just so you know ahead of time, i've had this part and his role planned out for about a year and a half. yall will probably shoot me anyway :] but! expect it within the next two weeks :3 thanks for keeping your patience with me <3
COMMENT TO SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME :D


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Hello Chapter 5

oh yes, i'm back from my trip and excited as hell :] i'm sorry i told a few of you that i would be posting yesterday, but my biffle came over and i got distracted <3 anyway! i come back to you with not just ONE, not just a DOUBLE UPDATE, oh no and not even a TRIPLE UPDATE, but i come back bearing FOUR. BRAND. NEW. UPDATES. YES FOUR. that means TWO brand spankin new chapters from Hello, ((this is the second one)) and two brand new oneshots :] why so many? two things: one, i came back to 23  new comments :D ((yall know who you are and i thank you to no end <3)) and two, i had a LOT of inspiration over my break. i wrote more oneshots actually, but those will come if i get stuck and haven't posted anytihng for a while. anyway, enjoy~ :D 


Title: Hello
Length: [5/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF ENTRY DATES AND NUMBERS. SKIPS ARE INTENTIONAL.


{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4}



February 9, 2003

Entry Fifty-Six

 

I still haven’t finished the cake Jaejoong made me for my birthday. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever tasted in my life, but I can’t eat it all day like I’d want. Shame…

 

We never talked about what else he did for me that day, but a new light had taken place in Jaejoong ever since; his kisses had more passion, his touches more bold. I loved it. I found my skin yearning for his touch every time I thought of him, my heart beating just a bit faster and my blood focusing where it didn’t need to be. What’s happened to me is obvious; I’ve developed a strong lust for him that I can’t shake, and I’m not really sure that isn’t what I want anymore.

 

February 9, 2003

Entry Fifty-Seven

 

I didn’t have time to think or worry about my situation with Jaejoong after I wrote the entry from this morning. No, today I had to worry about Heechul. He hadn’t spoken for days/weeks, and I knew it was my job to fix it… I’ve just been too preoccupied with other things lately. It’s no excuse and it has to change, I know, and I swear it will. If Heechul regresses any more… I can’t let a patient down like that. What I feel for Jaejoong can’t interfere with the well-being of my other patients. Today finally opened my eyes to just how bad it’s gotten while my mind has been on its vacation in Jae-Jae land.

 

It was Sunday, but I got a call asking me to come into the office. Two men were waiting at the door when I arrived: one I recognized as the man who took Heechul to and from his appointments, the other my bright-haired patient himself. Heechul stared straight ahead and said nothing as the other man bowed deeply and took my hand in both of his, face serious with a hint of a charming smile.

 

“Thank you so much for coming in today Dr. Jung,” he said with another short bow. “I wish I didn’t have to bother you on a Sunday, but I think Heechul needs you today.”

 

My eyes scanned over the man’s carefully combed hair and neatly pressed suit, stopping on the Bible under his arm with dozens of post-it notes sticking out. Clearly Sunday would not be his day of choice for this.

 

“It’s not a problem um… I’m sorry, I don’t think I ever caught your name,” I said with a forced smile.

 

The man’s eyebrows shot up and he bowed deeply again several times. “Forgive me. I’m Choi Siwon, Heechul’s brother-in-law.”

 

I didn’t even know Heechul had a sister. I glanced at my patient for any kind of reaction, but his face remained a blank slate. “Did something happen today Siwon-shii?” I asked.

 

Said man spared a nervous glance at Heechul and caught his lip between his teeth for a brief moment. “Actually… it’s been going on for a few days now,” he answered as I unlocked the doors and led them into my office. Heechul entered first; Siwon caught my arm before I could follow. “There’s something wrong Dr. Jung,” he said, his voice low and serious. “Heechul’s never been like this before. I don’t… His tongue. There’s something wrong with his tongue.”

 

“I’m a doctor of psychiatry Siwon-shii, not a physician. If he’s having a problem with his tongue I can’t-”

 

“No, no, he’s doing something to it. I know he is. I just don’t know why.” Siwon drew a shaky breath and ran a hand through his once perfect hair. “I thought it would get better since its Hangeng’s birthday but… if anything, he’s gotten worse. Going to church this morning didn’t seem to help him so… I didn’t know who else to turn to.”

 

“Do you see Hangeng as well?” I asked slowly, but Siwon shook his head.

 

“Heechul celebrates his birthday every year, and it’s only two days before mine.” He smiled sadly. “It’s hard to forget.”

 

Helpless silence filled the space between us, suffocating me and robbing my words. “I’ll see what I can do,” was all I could manage.

 

Still, Siwon looked incredibly grateful. “Thank you Dr. Jung,” he breathed out. “Thank you so much.”

 

“It’s nothing. But I’m going to ask that you stay out here while I speak with him. I can’t risk Heechul’s answers changing because of your presence.” Siwon’s face fell at my words but complied all the same. “Hopefully this won’t take long. You can help yourself to the coffee machine,” I added before leaving Siwon behind in the lobby.

 

With a sigh, I closed my office door and turned to Heechul, smiling lightly at him when he acknowledged my presence. “Good morning Heechul-shii,” I greeted with a forced smile.

 

No response. The bright red-head just stared straight at me, face blank and jaw unbelievably tense. Tightly balled fists lay at his sides, (trembling with anger or nerves I couldn’t tell) and I don’t think I’ve ever seen eyes so dead.

 

“Siwon-shii cares a lot about you,” I started lightly as I grabbed my notebook and sat across from Heechul’s still frame.

 

He did nothing.

 

Actual notes flew from my pen for the first time in more than the mindless scribbles it had grown accustomed to. It had been so long since I’d had a mind to do work like this… I couldn’t help the slight smile that appeared on my lips at the feeling. “How is your relationship with him?” I asked.

 

Nothing. So much for the indirect approach…

 

I sighed, re-crossed my legs. “We’ve noticed that you aren’t yourself anymore Heechul. Siwon is very concerned about you.”

 

Again nothing. His jaw tightened.

 

“We want to help you, but he can’t do that unless you tell us what’s wrong.” I let some of my concern leak through to my features and adjusted my glasses. “I’m here to get you through your problems Heechul, so you need to tell me if something is bothering you. I’m perceptive, not a mind reader.”

 

Nothing.

 

“Do you want us to help you?”

 

Nothing.

 

“Do you trust us?”

 

Nothing.

 

A sense of dull frustration pulsed though my veins at his silence, but I willed my expression to remain indifferent. I may have been losing my mind for the past few weeks, but that was no excuse for me to destroy what I’d worked so hard to establish with Heechul; he didn’t deserve that. My lips parted to say something further, and that’s when I saw it.

 

Heechul’s face had gotten horribly pale, and his thin hands were trembling as his nails dug crescents into his palms. But none of that particularly drew my attention; no- my eyes were drawn to the bright crimson lining the seam of his tightly pressed lips.

 

“Heechul…” I breathed, rolling to my feet only to kneel in front of him all in the same motion. His eyes followed me. “Heechul open your mouth,” I demanded.

 

His jaw only tightened, and the first twitch of pain flashed across his face.

 

A sinking terror settled in my chest; I knew exactly what he was he was doing. “Heechul,” I called again. “Heechul let go of your tongue.”

 

He just stared.

 

“Heechul!”

 

Nothing.

 

“Alright then.” I rose to my feet, trying to stay as calm as possible and opened my office door. “Siwon-shii,” I called.

 

Said man was by my side in an instant, eyebrows scrunched together and coffee left abandoned on the table. I could only pray that he would stay this calm.

 

“I need you to stay calm and call an ambulance for me,” I said slowly, looking right into the other man’s eyes and willing him to obey me. It was a lost cause.

 

Siwon’s brows shot up and terror was written all over his expressive face. “Ambulance??” he shouted. “Why? What for? Is something wrong? Is Heechul okay? Are you okay? Am I okay?? What’s going o-”

 

“Siwon!”

 

The frantic man stopped in his tracks and stared at me with wide, fearful eyes. “Yes?”

 

“You need to calm down, and if you can’t do that please allow me to use your phone. The more time we waste, the worse this is going to get. Do you understand?”

 

Siwon nodded slowly and fished a cell phone out of his pocket with trembling hands. “Dr. Jung I-”

 

“Don’t,” I interrupted. “Just stay with Heechul and for God’s sake, please don’t make this worse.”

 

The ambulance arrived in less than ten minutes, but it was a close call. Tongue biting is one of the slowest (and pretty uncommon for a mobile person) form of suicide, but judging by the excessive bruising on his tongue and the amount of blood he’d already lost, Dr. Myung and I concluded that he’d been at it for days. I just… can’t believe I hadn’t seen it before. What if he was doing it right in front of my eyes for all this time? What if he wanted me to notice before and I was too distracted by other things to acknowledge it? I’m not sure I can ever forgive myself for this… There’s no excuse for letting something like this happen… I just… I’ll write it later after I’ve had more time to think.

 

February 9, 2003

Entry Fifty-Eight

 

I’ve made a long-overdue decision: I will no longer let my feelings for Jaejoong distract me from my job. Any of my other patients could be going down the same road without my knowledge, so, starting Monday, I will go back to giving them all my undivided attention.

 

And if that means taking a hiatus from Jaejoong, so be it.

 

February 10, 2003

Entry Fifty-Nine

 

I kept my promise until I saw him. It just got too hard after that.

 

He flew into my arms the second he walked in and refused to let go. “They don’t like it, they don’t like it,” he muttered over and over against my shoulder as I held him.

 

“Don’t like what?” I prodded. He held fistfuls of my shirt in his clenched hands, clinging to it as if he would fall at any second. Nothing I asked granted me an answer, so I slowly led him to the couch to calm down… I knew I’d lost then. “Please tell me what’s wrong Jaejoong-ah…” I whispered softly to him. “I want to help you.”

 

It took almost half an hour of my supplications to convince Jaejoong to stop his chanting and actually speak to me. “They don’t like it,” he said once more. “Micky and Choikang don’t want me to be here.” I involuntarily began to run my fingers through his hair and his grip loosened slightly. “U-know wants me to stay. They don’t but U-know does.”

 

His whispers pulled at my heartstrings. “Do what you want to do Jaejoong. Don’t listen to them.” The words that came out of my mouth were vastly different from my thoughts (“Listen to U-know! Listen to me Jaejoong!”) but no one else had to know that. I just held him close while he trembled against me, combing my fingers through his hair and chastely dropping soft kisses everywhere I could reach. “You don’t ever have to listen to them Jaejoong…”

 

I don’t know why it was so easy for him to make me forget everything I’d thought about for the past few days. Just… seeing him makes me want to do anything for him; I can’t deny Jaejoong anything.

 

February 11, 2003

Entry Sixty

 

I decided to see Heechul in the hospital after writing my last entry. I thought that maybe seeing him would snap me back into reality and help me follow through with my promise.

 

He was on high risk-suicide watch and heavily sedated.

 

February 12, 2003

Entry Sixty-One

 

Jaejoong isn’t here. His mother hasn’t seen him since yesterday.

 

February 13, 2003

Entry Sixty-Two

 

Jaejoong is still missing.

 

February 13, 2003

Entry Sixty-Three

 

I’m probably breaking every single rule imaginable, but I couldn’t help it. I don’t think I could have done anything else if I wanted to.

 

I took a different way home today for some reason; there was no reason for it, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to go to my favorite coffee shop after work. It sounds strange that I would go so far out of my way just for a cup of overpriced coffee from a shop in the middle of nowhere, so I’m not going to assume it was the real reason I took the detour. Regardless, I’m glad I did.

 

I hadn’t been to Sugar and Spice for about a month, but everything was exactly the same as it had been for two and a half years. Same atmosphere, same décor, same slow business.

 

“Here’s your coffee Dr. Jung- just how you like it,” the barista behind the counter said with a bright smile. “No cream and four drops of vanilla.”

 

I bowed slightly and took my drink. “You know me too well Sulli,” I said, returning her smile with only half the sincerity. Sulli was always terribly kind, but I just wasn’t feeling it today; something was off. Despite my coffee being exactly what I wanted, it tasted strangely bitter on my tongue. I thanked her anyway.

 

“Oh, Dr. Jung? Could you take this outside for me when you go? There’s a boy whose been sitting out there by himself since Tuesday. I don’t think he’s eaten and the poor thing’s probably freezing to death. Yoona tried to get him to come inside but he just started freaking out.”

 

I didn’t put nearly as much thought into it as I should have.

 

“You’re a psychiatrist, right?”

 

I nodded and took a sip of my coffee.

 

“Maybe you can help him. He’ll get sick if he stays out there any longer. Well, that is if he isn’t sick already.”

 

I nodded again and took the steaming cup of hot chocolate Sulli offered to me. “Will do,” I assured before making my way toward the door. Why anyone would leave someone outside a coffee shop for two days was beyond me, but I was about to change that. I just didn’t know yet to what extent.

 

Icy wind assaulted my face the second I opened the door, forcing me to awkwardly balance my drinks and pull my scarf over my nose. Really, it should never be allowed to be this cold. Nevertheless, I ventured out to the side of the small shop with warm fingers and frozen everything else.

 

That was when I saw him- curled up against the wall and trembling with his hands tightly pressed against his ears, eyes and cheeks kissed a bright red and streaked with shimmering trails. Coffee and hot chocolate splattered the ground at my feet.

 

Somehow I managed to persuade Jaejoong to let me carry him to my car and wrap him up in my coat, kissing his tear-stained cheeks as he continued to cry. “Close your eyes Jaejoong-ah,” I whispered softly to him. “Cars have a lot of mirrors.”

 

He did as he was told, curling up into a ball under my black coat and tightly closing his eyes. “Don’t take me home,” he whispered. “Please don’t take me home.”

 

I didn’t.

 

So that’s how Jaejoong ended up curled up in my bed wearing nothing but oversized sweatpants and a large wool blanket, his own clothes scattered on my bathroom’s floor and his tears staining my pillow.



 

A/N: :D alright! so! you're probably thinking "bitch you said four updates so where the HELL is the new chapter of letters from war? *raise pitchfork*" well, put your weapons down for a minute ladies ((and gentlemen.))
there is a LOT going to happen in the new LFW chapter so it's taking me a bit longer to write. most importantly, there's a new character coming in who is going to be extremely important in the long run and just so you know ahead of time, i've had this part and his role planned out for about a year and a half. yall will probably shoot me anyway :] but! expect it within the next two weeks :3 thanks for keeping your patience with me <3
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