May 7th, 2009

(no subject)

Title: Letters From War
Length: [14c/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae, Yoosu, Leeteuk and Heechul ((Tuekchul?))
Rating: Overall NC-17 
Genre: Romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: i only own them in my dreams
Summary: In the breaking point of the Korean war, two brothers get drafted into the military and forced to fight for the lives. literally. punishment in camp 409 is just as unforgiving as its officers. attraction? frowned upon. affection? unheard if. love? strickly forbidden. But the training camp they thought they knew gets turned upside down when six of them decide to leave no rule left unbroken
Author's Note: chapter 13 is hella long. like almost 3x the usual length of my chapters. and it's all teukchul for this chapter. but! before you run away screaming in a yunjae-deprived rage, hear me out. it's all leeteuk/heechul's memory except the very end so it's VERY important to the fic. VERY IMPORTANT. so please read it even if you don't like the teukchul.

{Prologue} {Ch 1} {Ch 2} {Ch 3} {Ch 4} {Ch 5a} {Ch 5b} {Ch 6} {Ch 7} {Ch 8} {Ch 9a} {Ch 9b} {Ch 10} {Ch 11} {Ch 12}

Chapter 13a
Chapter 13b

Part C

 

Leeteuk woke up the next morning and found, to his great relief, that Heechul was back in his bed. A slight smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he watched the younger boy sleep; Heechul looked like a child with all the coldness gone from his face. He couldn’t help that he was drawn to the peacefulness that clung to the sleeping boy. Ever so slowly, Leeteuk got up from his own bed and kneeled beside Heechul’s, eyes half closed and just watching the rare sight. The words came out before he could stop them “I love you Heechul,” he whispered as quietly as he could. He paused, waiting for the light sleeper’s eyes to snap open, but they never did. Leeteuk didn’t know what possessed him to say it. Maybe the thoughts he’d lived with for the past three years couldn’t hold themselves back anymore. Maybe something inside him let go when he saw his former best friend so vulnerable. Maybe he was just crazy. Regardless, he wished the moment would stay how it was: uninterrupted and beautiful. “I miss you ya know? I mean, I miss the way you used to be…”

 

As if it had a mind of its own, Leeteuk’s hand reached out for the innocent face, only stopping when there was less than a millimeter between them. Warning bells fired off in his head demanding that he stop his actions immediately and get ready for the day, but he couldn’t move his hand from its spot. “Chullie-ah…” he breathed out. He unconsciously leaned forward as his eyes slid closed and his lips slowly came to rest on the back of his hand. “I wish you could understand. I wish you could accept this…”

 

Right when the words left his mouth, four knocks hit the door and Leeteuk was forced to pull away. He made a dash to the other side of the room and mindlessly rummaged through his clothes as he waited for Heechul’s eyes to open. They didn’t.

 

“Chullie-ah?” he called in a voice louder than normal before he could stop himself. But it didn’t matter; Heechul still didn’t wake up. Panic began to bubble in Leeteuk’s chest as he watched the younger boy just lie in bed. There was no twitch, no groan, no nothing. “Heechul!” Leeteuk called again, taking a step toward the other. Leeteuk shook friend’s shoulder almost violently, but Heechul’s head just felled to the side with no further response. The older boy’s heart pounded against his ribs as he jerked the covers off of the small body, worry choking off his rationality.

 

Four bright red crescents marked each of Heechul’s hands and the dirt that caked his clothes was decorated with small splotches of dark red.

 

Leeteuk couldn’t imagine how he managed to carry Heechul all the way from their room to the medical ward on the other side of camp 409 but he was facing the head medic in no time, panting and borderline hysterical.

 

The head medic scrunched his eyebrows together as Leeteuk burst through the door with Heechul cradled in his shaking arms. “What in the…?” the medic couldn’t even form a full question before words started gushing from Leeteuk’s mouth.

 

“Something’s wrong with him. He won’t wake up and something happened to his hands and he’s usually a really light sleeper and-”

 

“Lay him down over there,” the medic said calmly with a gesture toward one of the many steel-framed beds. His order was instantly followed. “Now, calm down and slowly tell me what happened.”

 

Leeteuk took a few long breaths before answering. “I don’t know. He was gone when I woke up yesterday and when I went to sleep last night. This morning he just wouldn’t wake up.”

 

A grim expression clouded the medic’s face and he stared down at Heechul with dark eyes. “Return to your room Sangsa. I’ll take care of him.”

 

Leeteuk hesitated for a few moments before bowing slightly and leaving the medical ward with a muttered “thank you Jungjang* Lee.”

 

The medic waited for the young officer to be completely out of sight before turning to a boy who watched the whole spectacle from one of the other beds. “Eunhyuk, get me an IV bag from the top drawer on the far left cabinet in my office. Fifteen hundred milligrams if you can find one. And two cannabis** leaves from my bag.”

 

The sixteen year old boy immediately sprang off the bed and nodded. “Yes Appa,” he said before sprinting away.

 

Jungjang Lee sighed when his son left the room and turned his attention back to Heechul. He wrapped his arm around the boy’s shoulders and sat him forward as if Heechul were a glass doll, slowly tearing the boy’s shirt with his teeth as he did so. Just as the medic had suspected, he found a tiny pink dot on both of Heechul’s shoulders and in the center of his neck. He let his eyes linger almost painfully on the three small marks he could see and laid Heechul’s weak body back down without desiring to see the other four. “What in God’s name have you done Sunghe?”

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

Leeteuk went straight from dinner to his room that night. The young officer was exhausted both mentally and physically, unsure if he would even make it to his bed. But the second he opened the door his energy came flooding back. “Heechul!”

 

The said boy looked up as Leeteuk entered with a blank expression on his face. To anyone walking in, it seemed as if Heechul hadn’t been tortured and unconscious for an entire day, but Leeteuk knew everything.

 

A gentle smile spread on the elder’s lips and he kneeled beside the one he loved, taking Heechul’s hand and lacing their fingers together. “I was so worried about you… What happened?”

 

Heechul jerked his hand away and stood up. “It doesn’t concern you Sangsa Park.”

 

“The hell it doesn’t concern me!” Leeteuk shouted as he also rose to his feet. “You’re in my team! You’re my roommate! You’re my friend Heechul!” He shook head and laughed humorlessly. “How can you sit here and tell me that whether you live or die doesn’t concern me?”

 

Heechul said nothing.

 

“Do you think that I don’t care about you?” Leeteuk practically shouted. His eyes stung as they continued to stare at the younger’s emotionless face. “SAY something!”

 

“No one asked you to care about me. It’s probably better that you don’t,” Heechul replied before walking to the door. He was practically out the door when Leeteuk’s words stopped him.

 

“Would you rather have died??”

 

Neither Sangsa said anything for a few breathless moments. Leeteuk was almost shaking with frustration and his eyes burned with suppressed tears. He wanted an answer, he wanted to fling his arms around Heechul and hug him until they couldn’t breathe. He wanted so many things…

 

But Heechul just walked out the door and slammed it behind him. He leaned his back against the polished wood and slid to the floor, closing his eyes as he hit the ground. He breathed out a strained sigh and spoke nothing above a whisper. “Would you still care if I said yes?”

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

New trainees poured off the train and spilled out onto the fields in mobs. Just like every new shipment, the men were all silent as they watched officers flit around the field and bark orders.

 

Nineteen year old Heechul watched the new trainees slowly split into their residents and fall into lines in front of a tall-standing Jungnyeong. The speech of rules and introductions was made just like always. But there was one boy that caught Heechul’s eye and refused to let go. The boy was actually… smiling- laughing almost. Heechul’s heart gave an involuntary flutter at the sight of the boy’s mismatched eyes as he continued to smile brightly at the stiff trainee beside him.

 

“Yunho-hyung you’re crazy. We won’t be able to live if we follow all these rules!” Heechul heard the boy whisper.

 

“Don’t call me hyung. I barely know you,”’ the other whispered back. Judging by the agitation that marked his face, Heechul figured that the older boy had put up with the other for most of, if not the entire, train ride to camp 409.

 

“Why not? You’re older than me. Besides, we’re going to get to know each other really well since we’ll be living together from now on,” the first one said. Heechul’s mouth twitched when he saw the elder roll his eyes.

 

Two days passed since the new set of trainees came in and Heechul had thought nothing of the boy with the mismatched eyes or his “hyung” since. Everything was normal as he walked onto the training fields to watch the trainees spar with each other and occasionally their training officer. Of course, it was normal until he watched a Soryeong fall to the ground at one of the new trainee’s hand. Heechul’s eyes widened slightly and he wandered closer to pick up the words that were flying from several different mouths. The smiling boy and his hyung were both there; the younger cheering as the elder stood over the officer he had just thrown to the ground.

 

“Kick his ass Yunho hyung!” the boy shouted with his thin fist in the air.

 

Yunho extended his hand to the fallen officer, helping the man to his feet before turning to flash the younger boy a half-smile. “How about you give it a shot?” he suggested.

 

The boy’s eyes lit up and he instantly sprang to hid feet. “If you don’t think you can handle Soryeong Yu on your own,” he said with a grin.

 

Soryeong Yu brushed off his clothes and smirked at the boy challenging him. The size difference between the boy and Yunho was obvious: while Yunho appeared well built, the other looked as if he couldn’t leave a mark on someone if he tried. “Alright Ideungbyeong Shim,” he said calmly. “Show me what you got.”

 

“I’ve got plenty of things,” the boy said before flipping out his pockets and showing the Soryeong four paperclips and a bent dog tag. “See? Interesting.”

 

Soryeong Yu glared at the snickering trainees as the boy grinned at him. This is not acceptable. “Stop wasting my time!” he shouted.

 

But the boy’s grin didn’t falter. “I was just doing what you ordered me to sir.”

“We don’t appreciate smartasses here Ideungbyeong,” the officer sneered.

 

The boy’s eyes instantly widened to show as much innocence as humanly possible. Even from the other side of the field Heechul could feel their effect. The Soryeong raised his hand to strike the boy but Heechul instantly rushed to intervene.

 

“’Soryeong Yu!” Heechul shouted as he approached the mob of trainees. All heads turned to him and the atmosphere instantly tensed. “Hit that trainee and you won’t like what happens.”

 

“You think you can boss me around Wonsa Kim?” the Soryeong sneered. He refused to let an inferior officer order him around in front of the trainees no matter what the younger man was to the Daejang.

 

And just as Soryeong Yu hated being ordered around, Heechul would not be disobeyed by anyone. “Let us ask Daejang Kim about that,” he said calmly, his lips turning up into a smirk when the Soryeong’s hand lowered. Sparks flew from the elder’s eyes, but they barely affected Heechul at all. The latter just locked eyes with the trainee and gestured him forward.

 

The boy appeared even younger up close than he did when Heechul first saw him. He was tall for any age, no doubt, and his clothes hung loosely off the boy’s thin body. His brown hair fell just below his ears and almost covered his eyes with obvious softness as the strands shifted slightly in the breeze. He couldn’t be any older than sixteen. “What’s your name?”

 

The trainee’s eyes instantly lost their light as he stared at Heechul. “Shim Yongmin sir,” he replied with a forced smile stretching his lips. Heechul had to admit, he was impressed with just how quickly yet subtly the trainee’s child-like demeanor slipped away. “I just got here a few days ago.”

 

Heechul slowly scanned the boy’s body from head to tow and back up, avoiding the trainee’s eyes. “How old are you?”

 

“Eighteen.” The playful grin returned. “If I remember correctly, they changed the admission age to eighteen last year. If I wasn’t that old I wouldn’t be here.”

 

Heechul made another sweep with his eyes. “Of course,” he said slowly.

 

“No offence sir, but you look barely old enough to be here yourself,” the trainee said.

 

“I’d be lying if I said you were wrong.” A tiny smile tugged at Heechul’s lips before he turned away and left the training fields.

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

For almost a year Heechul heard continuous praise for Shim Yongmin and Jung Yunho (which soon turned into Hasa Shim and Hasa Jung) from the superior officers just as he had heard whispers about Leeteuk so long ago. Yunho was known for his strength and emotional indifference; Yongmin for his intelligence and the fact that nobody could hold anything against him for more than a few seconds. Not a soul was surprised that they moved up in the training camp ranks instead of moving to the combative forces; they wouldn’t kill.

 

Even Heechul showed extreme interest in the pair. He watched Yongmin more than some thought an officer should and seemed to take note on everything the boy did. And where Yongmin was, Yunho was not far away. The elder seemed almost annoyed with his dongsaeng’s presence, but they always worked together so well- almost as if they belonged that way. Yongmin designed strategy, Yunho excelled in applying it. It was a perfect combination that would have been undefeatable in combat, amazing if the knowledge could be passed to those who would actually go into combat.

 

And one day Heechul made a decision.

 

“Daejang Kim, I’ve made my choice.” The Daejang looked up from his papers at the few Sowi with blank eyes. “Have you really?” he asked in and amused tone. He gently settled his pen on the dark wood and leaned back in his chair. “Who is it then?”

 

“Shim Yongmin and Jung Yunho,” Heechul said firmly, refusing to let the Daejang know that his legs felt like jelly from the latter’s intense gaze. He knew there was nothing to fear except the inevitable scolding for being indecisive for so long, but his heart still pounded madly in his ears.

 

“Shim Yongmin and Jung Yunho?”

 

Heechul nodded. “Yes sir.”

 

“You do realize that only one person can take over, correct?”

Yes sir,” Heechul said again. “Hasa Jung is a backup if something should ever happen to Hasa Shim.” Lies.

 

Sunghe’s eyebrows rose slightly at the explanation all the same. “I’m impressed,” he said. Heechul almost felt accomplished until the Daejang finished his thought. “You actually didn’t screw this one up. I was hoping that one of the two would be your choice… Both of them is even better.” He pushed a few papers aside and replaced them with two files, opening the top one to reveal Yunho’s face printed in black and white. “It’s a truly a shame that Hasa Jung didn’t move on from here. He would have been a major asset in the armed forces,” he said as he scanned over the neatly printed words on the page. “Good choice.”

 

Then he removed Yunho’s file and opened the second. “Shim Yongmin…” Sunghe mused quietly, more to himself than to Heechul. “He’s brilliant, truly brilliant. Yes… so much potential…” The Daejang’s words trailed off as he read the Hasa’s file, thoughtfulness and something else entirely streaking his face. “Oh the things he can do if he’s taught correctly…” He finally looked up with a devious glint in his eyes. “I approve of your choices and will move them up when I see fit; two ranks just as I promised. You are dismissed.”

 

The tingling in his skin instantly went away when Heechul left the Daejang’s room and returned to his own. As he lay in his bed, the Sowi couldn’t help but to think of what exactly he had thrown the two beloved Hasa into.

 

Part D

 

(no subject)

Title: Letters From War
Length: [14d/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae, Yoosu, Leeteuk and Heechul ((Tuekchul?))
Rating: Overall NC-17 
Genre: Romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: i only own them in my dreams
Summary: In the breaking point of the Korean war, two brothers get drafted into the military and forced to fight for the lives. literally. punishment in camp 409 is just as unforgiving as its officers. attraction? frowned upon. affection? unheard if. love? strickly forbidden. But the training camp they thought they knew gets turned upside down when six of them decide to leave no rule left unbroken
Author's Note: chapter 13 is hella long. like almost 3x the usual length of my chapters. and it's all teukchul for this chapter. but! before you run away screaming in a yunjae-deprived rage, hear me out. it's all leeteuk/heechul's memory except the very end so it's VERY important to the fic. VERY IMPORTANT. so please read it even if you don't like the teukchul.  this is the last part of chapter 13 :D the non-italic part at the end happened right before the end of chapter 12

{Prologue} {Ch 1} {Ch 2} {Ch 3} {Ch 4} {Ch 5a} {Ch 5b} {Ch 6} {Ch 7} {Ch 8} {Ch 9a} {Ch 9b} {Ch 10} {Ch 11} {Ch 12}

Chapter 13a
Chapter 13b
Chapter 13c


Part D

Twenty year old Jungwi Kim Heechul paced his room, feet mercilessly wearing down the thin carpet below his feet. Today was the day he would push Jung Yunho to the limit to see if the new Sangsa was strong enough to handle their worst. Yongmin’s time would come in two days; he couldn’t deal with the anguish that would come with that day just yet. Still, he dreaded both days, but he knew that they would have to come eventually if he wanted to convince Sunghe that they were worthy of taking his place.

 

His pacing came to an abrupt halt when a Jungnyeong appeared in his doorway. “Daejang Kim said I needed to see you,” he said blankly.

 

Heechul couldn’t bring himself to look at the other man. “Send Jung Yunho to the chambers immediately,” he ordered.

 

The Jungnyeong’s eyes noticeably widened. “Sangsa Jung? What has he done wrong?” he asked with disbelief obvious in his voice.

 

“Don’t question me, just do it.” Shards of feigned ice shot from Heechul’s eyes, his voice like a blizzard. “And you will do the same to Shim Yongmin the day after Sangsa Jung is released at 0200 hours.”

 

The Jungnyeong stiffened. “I know for a fact Yongmin hasn’t done anything to deserve that.”

 

“Did I ask for you opinion Jungnyeong Hanye?”

 

“No, but I don’t have to take unjustified orders from a Jungwi,” the superior officer said firmly.

 

No one ever heard from Jungnyeong Hanye after that night.

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

Heechul made sure that he woke up early to attend Yunho’s release the next day. The morning was still dark and so still Heechul feared walking through could make it all shatter. He approached the small concrete building just as a Jungnyeong began undoing the seven locks.

 

“Someone’s up early Jungwi Kim,” the elder said when Heechul came to stand at his side.

 

“I put him in here. I want to see how he held up,” Heechul replied quietly.

 

The final lock clicked out of place and the Jungnyeong faced the younger man. “Careful Heechul; one might believe that you care.” The door opened to darkness and he returned his gaze to its depths. “Sangsa Jung Yunho, on your feet.”

 

Silence.

 

“Sangsa Jung!” When again the Jungnyeong got no response, he stepped into the chamber. Shuffling and a sharp gasp pierced the silence before the Jungnyeong emerged from the darkness with Yunho’s collar gripped tightly in his hand.

 

The second he saw Yunho’s face Heechul wished he would have never come to see this. Raw fear shone in the trembling Sangsa’s eyes as the nineteen year old boy looked up at him, making him look more like a child than Heechul had ever seen another officer in his life. He could feel the needles piercing his skin from just that one look, ripping away his sense of rationality and forcing him to step away. Flashes of darkness assaulted him and he was hopelessly lost in the younger’s hollow black eyes- both conscious but neither really there.

 

A hellish eternity passed before Yunho finally spoke, his voice reduced to a whisper. “What did I do wrong?” he asked softly.

 

With that one question Heechul knew he would never be able to do this to Yongmin unless he was begging for his heart to be torn to pieces.

 

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

 A thin off-white file shook in Heechul’s trembling hands, fury and a feeling of betrayal piling up into mountains of anger that threatened to topple at any moment. The door opened and his eyes began to sting. How could he do this?

 

“You wanted to see me Jungnyeong Kim?” Yongmin asked as he entered the room. The light in the boy’s eyes had slightly dulled over the years but it still shone brightly as those chocolate brown eyes gazed down at Heechul. He looked so, so innocent… he couldn’t be such a bloody liar.

 

“Where is your brother Jungnyeong Shim?” Heechul asked, repressed anger making his voice waver, his control pulled more tightly than a bow string and ready to snap at any second.

 

The boy stiffened and the light completely vanished. “Changmin?”

 

Heechul slammed a file equipped with Changmin’s name and picture on the Daejang’s desk and his voice dropped low and deadly. “Where is Shim Yongmin?” he demanded.

 

The Jungwi said nothing for far too long. “Do you really want me to explain or is that question just a formality?” he finally asked. His head lowered and soft brown hair shielded his eyes from the other man in front of him.

 

“I’d actually like to know why you deliberately lied to all of us. To me.” The deadly edge in Heechul’s voice sliced through the air and straight into the younger officer.  The Jungnyeong’s blazing stare seemed to burn him alive as they sat in horrid silence.

 

Changmin’s chocolate brown orbs became hollow pits of sorrow as his mind searched for the right words and the ability to hold himself together. “Yongmin is sick. Dying. He can’t… He couldn’t even remember my name when I decided to take his place in coming here. And he’s been getting worse every day. They… don’t know what’s wrong with him. My mother had to quit her job so she could stay home and take care of him…  I knew I’d make enough money here to pay for everything at home.” Changmin took a deep, shaking breath before he finally looked up into Heechul’s eyes. “Please, you have to understand. They need me.”

 

Heechul’s anger instantly shattered and he found himself speechless. Waves of emotion that he’d been without for so long flooded back to him and threatened to spill out, keeping him just as silent as the air surrounding them.

 

“Does Daejang Kim know about this?” Changmin asked quietly.

 

“I’m the only one,” Heechul answered when he finally found his voice. The two officers just stared at each other as time slipped by unnoticed. Heechul’s heart exploded with emotion for the boy, and he couldn’t help remembering that he’d felt this way for someone else long ago.

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

Leeteuk came to the conclusion that he no longer enjoyed promotions. As a Jungnyeong, he knew there was nowhere else for him to go, but it also meant that he could potentially be deciding someone else’s fate. The majority of the decision was left with their new Daeryeong, of course, and Leeteuk agreed with every choice he made… except when it came to a certain Shim Changmin.


Soryeong Shim Changmin was a lying, scheming, manipulative bastard that certainly wasn’t worthy of Heechul’s affection. Not only had he lied though his teeth to everyone about who he really was, but Leeteuk had seen him lie to another officer’s face to cover for someone else more times that it should ever be accepted. And now that same lying, scheming, manipulative bastard has the potential to become a Jungnyeong. Above anything else, Leeteuk was sure he could like Changmin just as the other officers did; the young boy was the only cheerful person in the camp and did everything wonderfully with only one try. Leeteuk just didn’t like competition- and the struggle for Heechul’s attention was a BIG competition.

 

Only one room away, Daeryeong Kim Heechul was having the same exact thought: promotions suck. Only three Jungnyeong positions could be filled. Four Soryeong’s were perfect for the spots. And there lied his dilemma. He stared at the list of names again, running his finger over the four names marked in red. “Choi Siwon, Jung Yunho, Han Chirimi, Shim Changmin…” he read slowly for the nth time that morning. The choice had to be finalized in less than an hour, and yet he was still no closer to a decision than he had been the night before. He knew who he wanted to choose, but a twenty one year old Jungnyeong wouldn’t go over very well with the current Wonsu- not to mention that same Soryeong had lived a lie for the majority of his time in the military.

 

With a deep sigh, Heechul crossed out one of the names, flipped the file closed, and left his room.

 

That night, every officer in camp 409 gathered in the common room, whispering and muttering words of blind arrogance to one another. Soryeong Jung Yunho rushed in behind the others and slid into the chair between his twenty nine year old best friend and twenty seven year old partner. Neither looked at him when he sat down.

 

“You’re late,” Soryeong Han Chirimi whispered from Yunho’s left while the Soryeong to his right fought to hide his smirk.

 

“I know that,” Yunho whispered back. All eyes watched Heechul as the Daeryeong made his way to the front of the room.

 

“Being late certainly won’t help you get that promotion Soryeong Jung.”

 

Yunho glared at the man to his right. “Tell me something I don’t already know Siwon,” he hissed, but fell silent as soon as Heechul began to speak.

 

The speech was short and Leeteuk waited anxiously for the part that they all actually cared about. He sent occasional glances to Changmin while Heechul spoke, hidden fire burning in his chest just begging for an escape that never came.

 

“Starting when you leave this room, you will have three new Jungnyeongs,” Heechul said before taking a deep breath and fixing his eyes on the wall behind the crowd of faces. “Jungnyeong Han Chirimi, Jungnyeong Choi Siwon, and Jungnyeong J-…” he took another quick, deep breath. “And Jungnyeong Shim Changmin.”

 

Just like that, something inside Leeteuk snapped. All sound went mute. Time froze. The only two people remained in the room and one of them was silently freaking the fuck out. Heechul’s face stayed as emotionless as ever, but so tense Leeteuk feared it would all shatter in an instant. He dismissed the officers and they filed out of the room, leaving only Leeteuk behind. The latter approached Heechul and stood a safe distance away.

 

“Is there something wrong Daeryeong Kim?” he asked cautiously.

 

Heechul hastily tucked the file under his arm and walked away without saying a word. A sheet of paper fluttered to the ground in his wake, left as forgotten as Leeteuk felt.

 

“Heechul your-” but Leeteuk was cut off by the Daeryeong’s door slamming shut. He snatched the paper off the ground and scanned the words written on it, his mouth dropping open at the end in a soft gasp.

 

In a list of names four stood out, written in blood red. Shim Changmin’s name had been violently scribbled out.

 

**~**~**~**~**

 

The memories swam in Heechul’s mind all morning from the second he woke up, tearing open the old wounds in his heart that had never quite healed. Everything came crashing down on him, forbidding him to breathe. He needed release. He needed to get away. He needed…

 

Before he could even finish the thought, Heechul found himself digging through his drawer for his green escape. He swore he’d give the stuff up, really he did, but it remained close at hand for a day like this. Nobody knew he’d stolen the cannabis leaves from Eunhyuk; it never crossed their mind that he’d been hopelessly addicted to it for two years before he came into the military. None of his weaknesses ever did.

 

The razor sharp end of his pen had never looked as beautiful as when it sliced through the pale skin on his wrist and the partially healed cut on his finger. But the pen was soon abandoned on the floor underneath a drizzle of scarlet rain.


 

**cannabis is proper name for weed