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February 26th, 2020


10:55 pm - Master List


THIS LIST IS A WORK IN PROGRESS. I PROMISE IT WILL LOOK PRETTIER LATER <3


All links lead to my writing community crankdatmanboob  that I share with my lovely cousin. Entries in the comm are currently unlocked and hope to keep them that way, so please don't abuse the access. I tend to have long gaps between updates since writer's block seems to love me much more than i love it, and real life often gets in the way.Feel free to join or add me as a friend and don't forget to drop me a comment to tell me how i'm doing ^^ <3

Chaptered FicsCollapse )

Multi-shotsCollapse )

One-shots/DrabblesCollapse )


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April 30th, 2014


04:47 pm - I'll format this when I have more time
yeoseong i'm sorry i did a thing

Title: Lord Have Mercy on the Buttons
Pairing: Kris/Any (written in second person)
Rating: PG-13 for later implications?
A/N: fml FINALS and yet this happens. SIGH.


Lord Have Mercy on the Buttons



Of all things in this world that are not okay, this is definitely in the top ten.

He walks through the front door entirely too casually with exhaustion hanging heavy in his eyes, effortlessly hanging his keys on a hook you have to tip-toe to reach and fluffing his hair when you see it- just a sliver of the white dress shirt he bought last week peaking through the opening of his black jacket and hugging his chest like you desperately wanted to. It only gets worse when he walks further into the room and attempts to remove said black jacket. His shoulders pull back as his long arms loop around behind him to grab the opposite sleeve, the opening of his coat splitting further to reveal the white dress shirt below, pearly buttons pulling the fabric tight and straining to hold on.

“Fuck…”

It’s out before you can even think to stop it, but to Yifan’s credit, he only quirks an eyebrow at you and slides his jacket the rest of the way off as if he wasn’t driving you completely insane.

“Babe,” you call out to him, more consciously this time as he brushes past you and continues into the kitchen to snag a water bottle from the fridge. Again he quirks an eyebrow at you and pairs it with a hum of acknowledgment as he gulps the water down, head back and throat working around each swallow like oh hell no.

You feel something in your face twitch. “Babe… how much did your shirt cost?” you call innocently enough. He pauses for a split second, glances down at the white fabric, shrugs. Your eye definitely twitches this time. “Was it expensive?” you ask slowly, this time stepping closer to him and prying the bottle from his hand to toss it carelessly to the counter.

His eyebrows furrow, bending together in confusion as you come to a stop right in front of him and run your fingers lightly across those poor white buttons. “Umm, I don’t think so?” he answers, and oh my God sometimes he’s so dumb it actually hurts.

You exhale sharply through your teeth and try again. “Do you want to keep it?” you ask before he can get another breath out.

“What?”

“Do you. want. to keep. your shirt?” Your fingers tighten unmercifully around his collar and you swear if he doesn’t catch on within the next five seconds you’re going to explode.

“Um. I guess? Why would I buy it if I didn’t want-”

He never was very good at this part, you muse. You rise up on your toes to press your lips flush against his jawline as it’s still moving around his words, delicate skin skimming over the soft curve just as he cuts himself short. “I want to rip it off of you,” you whisper, and now you’ve got his attention.

He freezes in your hold and you feel his throat work around another swallow as his breathing becomes shallow. “Oh,” he says softly, and a smirk spreads across your face.

“Oh,” you echo back with enough restraint as you can muster right before gripping the other side of his pristine white collar and tearing it apart.


A/N2: so this only took me like less than 10 minutes and i guess this was my celebration for clearing my first final super early? :D?

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April 21st, 2014


02:35 pm - Exo Drabble Dump 2
Title: Radiance
Length: Drabble (~300w)
Pairing: Kris/Suho
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Dark Themes
A/N: this started as something really fluffy, but somehow it... didn't end that way :| it was supposed to be borderline cavity-inducing


RadianceCollapse )



Title: (Untitled)
Length: Drabble (135w)
Pairing: Luhan/Yixing
Rating: G
Genre: General


(Untitled)Collapse )


Title: Holding On
Length: Drabble (~350w)
Pairing: Kris/Suho, implied Changmin/Victoria and Baekhyun/any
Rating: PG
Genre: General


Holding OnCollapse )


<3

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December 18th, 2013


02:21 am - Exo Drabble Dump
Title: Tuesday Sounds Nice
Length: Drabble (~250w)
Pairing: Kai/ Luhan
Rating: PG
Genre: Slight Angst


Tuesday Sounds NiceCollapse )



Title: Maybe Next Year
Length: Drabble (~400w)
Pairing: Kris/Suho
Rating: PG
Genre: Slight Angst
A/N: Based on the Miracles in December MV and written for a prompt in exopromptmeme


Maybe Next YearCollapse )



Title: Replacement
Length: Drabble (~400w)
Pairing: Kai/Luhan, Luhan/Sehun
Rating: PG-13 for implied smut
Genre: Slight Angst


ReplacementCollapse )


<3

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02:02 am - Hi Everyone ^^;
It's been…. a really long time, right? Unfortunately my unplanned hiatus does not end with particularly good news, and I want to let you all know that I have more or less discontinued Hello and Letters From War for multiple reasons ((not really sure if anyone was even still waiting after this long regardless)). First and foremost, I have all but lost inspiration for both of them and Hello honestly just hurts me now with how horribly off and wrong I've been with pretty much all of it. After taking classes and having experiences with people who struggle with some of the things I've brought up in Hello, I've realized that most of my self-research has been in vain and I took more artistic liberty than I can be comfortable with anymore. I knew that it might end up this way when I started this, but I never imagined that it would bother me nearly as much as it does. As for LFW, I just don't have the will to finish.

Both fics are completely finished in my head, so I might one day post abridged versions of what I wanted to happen, but that will be a long time in the making. School has also been eating most of my time since I'm a premed student, so I honestly haven't written anything more than a few short drabbles in the past year or so. I'm really sorry to have to say all of this, but it needs to be done for those of you that were still hanging on. I am honestly and truly sorry.

With all that said though, I have found quite a bit of inspiration in EXO, and those few drabbles are mostly for them ((with a few SuJu ones i think?)). I'll be posting them every now and then, but for now I won't be committing myself to anything longer than a short multi-shot at best.

If any of you really want to know the ending to either LFW or Hello, I can offer you a summary of what I wanted to happen and a few written-out pieces for the end. If you want them, just drop me a message, and I'll be more than happy to give that to you. I told a friend of mine that if I leave anything untouched for two years, that I will tell her the ending and everything else I had for it, so I figured that I should extend the same offer to all of you, even though Hello hasn't quite hit the two-year mark yet. You can't even imagine how sorry I am about having to say this, so I feel that it's the least I can do <3

I still love all of you guys and appreciate you all for your support and for sticking with me for so long, but now I'm shifting gears a bit and carrying on with what gives me inspiration now. Welcome to my new era of shame: EXO

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August 1st, 2012


12:45 am - oh look at that...
Title: Hello
Length: 13/?
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. i haven't been to med school yet and although i have done month's worth of research on this topic, it is nowhere near perfect and i pretty much still have no idea what i'm doing. the medications i will use are real, the side effects that come with these medications are real. however, without talking to a psychiatrist who knows my fictional Jaejoong's unique situation, everything i have done in this fic may be completely wrong. please don't take what you learn from this fic as fact. i took a lot of artistic liberties with some of these things as well. i have romanticized Jaejoong's condition. Yunho violates almost every rule in the book, plays with the lines on concent in some cases, and sometimes completely crosses them (in non-sexual ways). this story is for fictional purposes only.
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: does anyone still read this anymore? yeah? no?


{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7} {Chapter 8} {Chapter 9} {Chapter 10a} {Chapter 10b} {Chapter 11} {Chapter 12}



“Tell me why… and I’ll let you finish.”

A full-on shiver made its way through Jaejoong’s body at my words. His trembling hand sought refuge clutching at my thigh while the other tightened around my fingers. “I… can’t,” he forced out, gripping my pants tighter and visibly clenching his teeth.

I dropped my voice and leaned forward to let my throat vibrate against his skin, pitching myself at just the right level to bring out what I wanted. “You can.”

All the dirty fantasies I’d tried to suppress suddenly burst through their chains as Jaejoong let a breathless little moan slip past his lips. Countless images flashed before my eyes and lust burned deep in the pit of my stomach, fueling my desire and making me only more determined to get this over with. My body worked on its own, canting my hips up and pressing an open mouthed kiss to Jaejoong’s neck.

He loved it.

Desperate pants assaulted my shoulder as Jaejoong struggled to find words. His own desire pressed insistently against my thigh, and I knew I had him. “I… I want to,” he admitted with a shaky breath. “I like this.”

I hummed.

“U-know likes this.”

“Yes… Yunho likes this a lot,” I purred. “But you have to tell me Jaejoong: why is that different?”

My tongue dragging along the shell of Jaejoong’s ear delayed his response, drawing a shuddering moan from his lips instead. The sound spurred me on and I knew I was losing control. Losing sense. My hips lifted and ground against him in a slow, steady rhythm, pressing flush against him only to pull away and return with more force- more burn. “I don’t… I don’t like… with him… you’re not… doing that…” Jaejoong babbled between thrusts. His chest heaved with pent-up release, and I was just waiting for him to beg for it.

I no longer cared about the words that left his panting mouth or that I shouldn’t be shamelessly taking advantage of my patient in the same bed I’d slept with another woman in; all I wanted was to see him- watch his face as the pleasure became too much for the both of us and witness euphoria dance in his eyes when desire consumed him completely.

My own want flared at the mere thought and I knew the end was near. Jaejoong’s nails scraped helplessly down my thigh, desperate to find purchase anywhere that would keep him grounded to this world, but it was all in vain. My lips had returned to mouth at a birthmark just below his jawline as my hips pushed up in a particularly well-angled thrust, and he lost it.

The most beautiful sound I’d ever heard escaped his gasping lips as his body went rigid- a high pitched, trembling wail that went straight to my cock and pushed me over the edge with him. The force of it slammed our bodies against each other, every inch of skin burning for more contact as we rode out our high together. My eyes could barely hold themselves open through the overwhelming pleasure that was crashing over me, but I refused to let them shut. I needed to engrave that face in my memory forever- every curve, every line, every single detail of Jaejoong’s flushed skin that was displayed before me.

I drank it all in greedily before I let my lips cover his and swallowed the rest of his soft mewls, the solid press dissolving into slow, lingering kisses as we floated back down to Earth. Contentment thrummed through my veins as my fingers twined into Jaejoong’s soft hair, tugging ever so slightly when he dropped his head to rest on my shoulder and let our panting breaths fill the silence.

My body was sated- so much more than it had been when I was finished with Hyori- but a part of me still wanted more. I knew exactly what it was I yearned for, but for now I was content with just this; the feeling that rushed through me as I held Jaejoong in my arms and watched the edges of exhaustion nag at his tired mind was nothing short of incredible. He fell under the spell of sleep slowly, tension gradually easing out of his fingers until they lay limp in my hold.

I wanted to stay that way all night. Realistically, I still had a good two hours or so of paperwork I needed to catch up on before I could call it a night, and the fact that Jaejoong had passed out so quickly after such a… light activity concerned me a bit, but my muscles refused to move. As much as I knew I shouldn’t have, I decided to put off my work for tonight and made a deal with myself: be with Jaejoong tonight, pick up the slack tomorrow. It was such an easy decision to make at the time… I just had no idea how badly I would regret it not two hours later.

The anxiety hit me first. I’d carefully rolled Jaejoong off of me and adjusted his position, cradling him to my side as I let his steady breath fan out against my neck. After finally taking the edge off of my insane desire, I figured spending another night with him next to me would be easy. And for a while, it was. I didn’t mind the stickiness of my boxers until they were almost dry and the oxytocin had mostly cleared from my system, but then the feeling of it was all I could think about.

Did Jaejoong feel it too? Did it bother him at all? What would he think when he woke up? Should I move? What if I wake him up? Are our clothes ruined? Would he care? How long have we been like this?

The thoughts consumed me. My heart raced and I was horrified that Jaejoong could hear it hammering in my rib cage- the fluttering beat of unwarranted terror sounding like a thunderstorm in my ears. My chest was ready to explode from the apprehension… but then it shifted. Guilt seeped through the anxiety, mutating and amplifying it until a sheen of sweat coated my skin.

What had I done?

My hand trembled on Jaejoong’s scarred shoulder, conflicted between recoiling in horror and staying still to keep him from suspecting anything. Every point of contact with him burned me to the core, disgust for my actions running wild and making me sick.

I’d lost control. I swore to myself I wouldn’t do this, but I completely lost it. I failed him, failed myself, failed everything. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the innocent boy I’d corrupted, but the images that plagued me when I closed my eyes were worse; his bright smile when he walked into my office, his submissive eyes giving in to everything I wanted… He trusted me. Followed blindly until I got what I wanted. Never doubted me.

I could scarcely breathe with the weight of this horrible guilt crushing my chest, but the feelings didn’t stop. Desire slowly crept into the mixture as I stared at Jaejoong’s pale face, completely smooth as he slept. Defenseless. I could have woken him up, traced wet kisses down his neck until he blinked bleary eyes up at me and smiled. I could have pressed my mouth against his and wrapped my fingers around his wrists. His still kiss-swollen lips would part willingly without me having to say a word, his mouth giving in without hesitation. He wouldn’t be able to refuse me anything; he wouldn’t want to.

The new fantasy smothered me with unbearable lust- the guilt and anxiety drowned by the massive wave of it suddenly crashing over me. My fingers no longer burned to get away from him but to touch more. I wanted to trace every single line of Jaejoong’s gorgeous body- with my fingers, my tongue, anything- just to feel him squirm beneath me. Within minutes I was almost painfully hard from just imagining what it would be like to take him for real… and at that point, I couldn’t stand it anymore.

Every ounce of shattering willpower went into pulling myself away from his limp form, all concerns about him waking up gone as I raced to the bathroom. I made quick work of finishing myself off before sliding to the floor in a miserable heap of regret and shame, body shaking and mind running at a million miles a second. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move.

I lost all sense of time while sitting on this bathroom floor. Maybe I’ve been in here for hours- maybe only a few minutes. At some point I must have composed myself enough to return to my room for this stupid journal and stop shaking enough to actually write legible sentences, but I really have no idea how. I don’t know what the fuck came over me; I just know for certain that I never want to go through that kind of torture again.

All that mental anguish and rapidly shifting emotions have left me absolutely exhausted, almost to the point that I can’t see straight anymore. I need to stop. I need to go to bed. But I can’t- he’s still there.

February 28, 2003
Entry Ninety-Five

I practically had sex with Jaejoong last night. Holy fuck.

February 28, 2003
Entry Ninety-Six

I’m tired. Last night was such a mess…

I wish I could say that I don’t remember what I did, but honestly, it comes back to me with striking clarity. Jaejoong wasn’t exactly subtle in reminding me about it either.

The first thing I could think of when I put my pen down was that I needed sleep. Desperately. Good things never come from me being sleep deprived, and I really didn’t need to add to the pile of shit that was already sitting on my conscience.

Everything tipped sideways for a moment as I extracted myself from the bathroom floor and I shakily rose to my feet. I didn’t know where I was going to go, so I ended up aimlessly wandering my house until my feet brought me back to my room on their own accord. Jaejoong was still sound asleep nestled into my pillows, completely oblivious to the mental turmoil I’d suffered through all night because of him. His fingers were lightly curled around the edge of my blanket and an expression of absolute calm had settled over his features; for a moment, I couldn’t even breathe.

He stayed perfectly still as I watched him in silence, only stirring when I caved in and collapsed beside him. I put the last of my energy into perching on the very edge of my bed, as far away from Jaejoong as physically possible in such a small space. Still, his outstretched arm brought his fingertips dangerously close to my face, and I was powerless to do anything about it. With mute desire thrumming through my veins and guilt towering over my mind, I fell into a fitful, dreamless sleep.

When my eyes opened again Jaejoong was already sitting straight up in bed, body still and face horribly pale. His wide eyes were fixed on the sheets covering his lower body and white knuckles gripped the comforter.

“Jaejoong-ah?” I muttered as I shifted slightly to face him. His chest rose and fell with deep, shuddering breaths and his lips trembled as he formed words.

“He’s angry,” Jaejoong whispered.

Muscles protested as I raised my arms to press my fingertips to the headboard, an unconscious sigh leaving my lips. “Angry about what?” I asked absent-mindedly as I continued to stretch in my limited space.

My mind hadn’t woken up enough to fully grasp our situation quite yet. All I could think about was how beautiful Jaejoong looked with sleep-tousled hair sticking to his porcelain skin, but when he lifted an unsteady hand to point to his jeans that had somehow magically made their way to the other side of the room, it all came rushing back. The desire, the almost sex, the guilt- all of it flooded over me in a tidal wave of emotion and self-hatred.

The sudden weight of it momentarily knocked me off balance and sent a jolt of nausea through my stomach, tilting Jaejoong’s frozen image and forcing my eyes to close. “Jaejoong… I’m so-” I began, but was quickly cut off.

“He’s right, isn’t he?!” Jaejoong suddenly shouted, stiffening his arm and clutching the sheets more tightly. “He is!”

“I don’t know what you-”

“I’m not allowed! I was never allowed. It makes me ugly! Terrible! Only whores are allowed to enjoy it!” he screamed as his arms suddenly jerked away from his body, sheets still clutched tightly between delicate fingers.

My eyes snapped open. “Jaejoong what ar-”

“That’s all you’ve ever been!” Jaejoong screamed, fingers tearing at the sheets as tears gathered in his eyes. “Useless, disgusting whore! Burn in hell!” The accusations flew from his lips as strangled sobs and his entire body shook with the sheer force of them. Something within me snapped.

Without thinking, I drew Jaejoong’s rigid form into my arms, holding him securely when he began writhing and screaming obscenities at an enemy I could not see. His body contorted in any way it could to get away from me, but I wasn’t going to have it. “Look at me Jaejoong!” I shouted as his thin arms pushed against mine in vain, nails desperate to scrape at flesh he couldn’t reach. “I said look-at-me!”

His head snapped to the side at my repeated command, and his struggling weakened the slightest bit. “Look at me Jae…” I said again and again, lowering my voice more as his thrashing dwindled to nothing and his eyes finally rose to look at my face.

“You’re not useless Jaejoong,” I spoke softly as my breath ghosted over his chapped lips and fingers loosened their hold. “You are not a whore, you are not disgusting… You aren’t any of those things, do you understand me? Don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. I don’t care what he says Jaejoong; he is wrong. Don’t ever doubt that.”

My voice shook with every word that escaped my lips, but Jaejoong stopped. His shoulders relaxed and his entire body molded into mine in a lifeless heap, sobs going quiet and eyes losing their focus. Our lips were only centimeters apart as he whispered to me: “You’re lying.”

Those two little words have haunted me all day, scratching at the edges of my brain like tiny mice with nothing better to eat than my sanity. I didn’t answer him. I didn’t stay with him. Not ten seconds after the words had hit my ears had Jaejoong’s head hit my shoulder and sleep overcame him once again.

I’m still shaking. I never stopped.

He watched me with empty, haunted eyes as I stumbled my way through making breakfast and getting ready to leave. It was like being with an entirely different person than he had been just a few hours before.

Had I pushed him too far? Is that what he really thinks of being with me- that it makes him a… disgusting whore? No. He… Jaejoong wanted what we did last night… Didn’t he? He initiated everything. He tempted me first. I tried to stop him. He was the one that moaned my name and came from my touch.

But none of that matters. I should have known better. I should have been in control. He’s my patient- practically a child- and can’t make these decisions for himself God damnit. This is my fault- it doesn’t matter how much I try to put the blame on someone else, I’m the one responsible for what happened. How could I have been so stupid? So selfish?

I can’t… I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t understand how I let myself get so far down into this hole I’ve dug for the both of us; all I know is that we need to get out and I really, truly don’t know how. Sure, I can say that I’m going to be professional from now on, but how long will that actually last? A few days? A few hours? A few minutes? What will happen tonight when we start the whole process over again? I can’t control myself. I know I can’t. I’ve tried to delude myself into thinking that I could maintain this tepid balance between being a lover and a psychiatrist, and my failure to do so is only making everyone suffer.

People who should have never been involved are paying for my mistakes: my other patients, their families, Hyori… Hyori. Fuck.

She was on her feet the second she saw me walking up the sidewalk toward the glass doors, Jaejoong in tow but still eerily silent. Despite her thick makeup, I could still see the dark circles adorning her concerned eyes and immediately regretted everything I had ever put her through. Her slight bow to Jaejoong went unreturned, but I doubt she cared; her gaze was focused solely on me.

“Jaejoong-shii’s mother has already arrived,” she said a she gestured to the woman sitting in the corner of the lobby, eyes still trained the top button of my collar. The pair left without Jaejoong saying a word and Hyori took it as her cue to let everything out. “I was worried about you yesterday,” she admitted after only a few beats of silence. “You didn’t answer your phone.”

“I’m sorry. I was just… sleeping it off. I’m fine now,” I answered with a tight smile, edging my way toward my office as Hyori fretted over what to say next. Her pretty little mouth opened and shut around words she couldn’t bring herself to say, and before she finally made up her mind I was already opening my office door and sticking one foot through. “Is there anything I need to attend to that I missed yesterday?” I asked with my hand on the door handle.

She shook her head and that was that.

I know it was rude. I know it was insensitive. But I had bigger, much more pressing issues to deal with than someone who was putting too much meaning into a drunken romp between the sheets. I really do care for her, but… I couldn’t afford to focus on that today; there was already way too much on my mind.

Gut-churning guilt spurred me into getting a significant chunk of work done after seeing the state my sudden absence yesterday had left Henry in. Had I been paying more attention to him the past few weeks, I would have known that he’d been skimping on his medication lately and remembered that I meant to up his dose of anti-anxiety meds a little over a month ago.

But this revelation got me started: one correction led to another as I edited his case file and moved on to other patients, several of which needed their medications adjusted as well. I ran on complete autopilot as I forced myself to spew out words onto the pages, pointedly ignoring the waves of exhaustion and mental turmoil threatening to spill over the dam I’d put up during my time with Henry. It took me about three hours in total to make all of the necessary corrections (with pauses in between for sessions of course,) and once I began to feel the dull ache in my wrist from the excessive writing I remembered just how long it had been since I’d actually worked on any other case than Jaejoong’s. Granted, my handwriting was sloppy as hell from my shaking hands and I’ll most likely have to go over everything again to make sure it’s actually correct instead of the mindless babble it’s all bound to be, but it was the closest I’ve been in ages to putting real effort into this again.

Just as I was about to call the pharmacy to make the prescription adjustments, another thought flitted through my mind and made my hand freeze in midair above my phone. The little whisper taunted me with it mixture of truth and temptation, and I knew that no matter how dangerous the train of thought was, I couldn’t ignore it.

Jaejoong was still my patient. He still needed medication.

As torturous as last night may have been, yesterday was still largely successful in providing the information I need to at least start Jaejoong off on something. It was very clear to me from the beginning that I needed to put him on some type of antianxiety (although not nearly as strong as the ones for Henry,) an antipsychotic, and possibly a mild antidepressant. The extra research was more about determining what types of these meds in which combinations would be the most suitable for him to start with given the state of his condition and the history behind it.

Since- as far as his medical history and his mother have told me- he’s never been on any kind of prescription drugs before, I don’t have to worry about giving him something that would conflict with a current medication, but I need to be careful with overloading him with all of this. It’s hard enough to get psychiatric patients to stick with their medicine, and given Jaejoong’s young age, condition, and overall circumstances, it’s going to be a challenge to get him mentally prepared for using them consistently long-term and the side effects that go with it. The desired effects can take a few weeks to fully kick in, but it’s entirely possible that the side effects will start sooner and he’ll lose the motivation to stick with them until the hallucinations and other symptoms start to go away.

For this reason, I decided to start him off with a moderately low dose of Ziprazidone for the next six to eight weeks, and given the nature of the drug, I’m foregoing the antianxiety medications for now. Ziprazidone is somewhat of a “starter” antipsychotic for schizophrenic patients like Jaejoong and since it has fewer adverse side effects than some of my other options, it’s a good place to start and I can always change it if things don’t go well. Of course, regardless of what the chances for negative side effects are, I’ll still have to watch him closely for the next few months to make sure he’s progressing well and see where adjustments need to be made. Which, for any other case, would be just fine. For Jaejoong’s… not so much.

Now that I desperately need to get my focus away from Jaejoong, it’s crucial to his health and general wellbeing that I pay special attention to him. It’ll be a completely different type of attention, but given my current track record, I’m not entirely sure I’ll be able to make the distinction.

His session is still a few hours away, but I’m dreading the hours to come. I don’t know how I’m going to react- I don’t know how he’s going to react- and I still have two more nights scheduled with him. But then again… after the episode we had this morning, I’m not even sure he’ll even come tonight at all.





A/N: so it's been a while... nothing like starting off a chapter with almost-porn to celebrate a hiatus break, no? ;] not leaving spots (aside from two) because i really don't know who even reads this anymore/ who is still on livejournal anymore. let me know if you want one in the future :3


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February 4th, 2012


12:29 am

well, this is freakishly long overdue, but here it is anyway. it just came to me out of nowhere ((long after i finished watching PTB)) and i wrote it in about 30 minutes :| it's been burning a hole in my flashdrive for a few months now and i'm honestly not sure why i didn't post it earlier. i just didn't.


Title: Cheap Replacement
Length: One-shot
Pairing: Jaejoong/Jisung, YunJae
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, smut
Summary: Even when he's with Jisung, Jaejoong can't help thinking of someone else.
Author's Note: the title isn't implying that i think jiseong is cheap in any way. i love him hardcore

There are no second thoughts.

All it took was working together, filming together, fighting and rolling around on the floor together for Jaejoong to find a hand on his half hard cock and Jiseong’s breath on his lips whispering more more more.

From the beginning fans said that you would look good together, and they were right: you fit together better than missing puzzle pieces and Jiseong’s lips feel heavenly against your naked skin as you tumble into his bed, script forgotten somewhere on the floor and clothes forgotten not long after.

He breathes out how good you look- how that scene will be impossible to get right on the first take without jumping each other in front of Kanghee and hundreds of cameras.

You agree with a breathless moan and thread fingers through his hair. Use that pretty mouth of yours for something better.

The foreplay comes easy because you’re familiar with it. So familiar, even though it’s different from getting off while rolling in the sheets with Yoochun or pounding out your frustrations with Junsu. With Jiseong… it’s natural. Something you haven’t felt for a really long time.

His hands are strong as they turn you the way he wants and his voice caresses you with pure bass vibrations, heated lips trailing down your spine. He asks if this is your first time and of course you answer no, but it’s been a while.

The first intrusions hurt before they start to feel good enough to make you feel a loss. You beg for more- practically scream for it- and he gives it to you with only teasing hesitation. The slide is easy and he lays gentle kisses all over your skin to make it better, but that’s when you start to lose sight of who you’re with.

Jiseong fucks you good and you know it; the deep slide and pressure in all the right places is all you can ask for, but somehow it’s not enough. Jiseong’s face doesn’t fit the part anymore, and it stops pushing your towards the edge.

Somewhere along the line fake moans infiltrate the real ones and take over, but his pace is getting erratic and you’re hyper-aware of the fact that you aren’t a woman- you don’t quite have the luxury of being able to fake it like they do.

His grip on your thighs tightens with each exhale of your name Jaejoong-ah, fuck, Jae and even though his voice isn’t quite the right pitch, it’s close enough for your mind to start wandering into forbidden territory. Jiseong’s face fades, and once it’s replaced, you feel the spark again. The burn of longing and the desire to please well up inside of you, forcing his name from your lips as your orgasm hits you hard and your come stains Jiseong’s stilling hand. Yunho~

It takes a while after the stars stop exploding behind your eyes and your breath catches up to your racing heart for you to realize that Jiseong’s stopped moving completely. His lips are silent. Your body is empty.

When you find the strength to turn and rise up on your elbows, his eyes are cold- betrayed.

Jiseong I’m s-

It’s fine.

Even though the sweat running into your eyes makes the world slightly blurry, it’s plain to see that while his lips say one thing, his face says another and it most definitely is not fine.

You know you blew it. You had a shot to move forward and get on with your life, but you blew it all to hell and back because he just will not leave you alone.

Some far-back part of your brain registers that Jiseong told you he was going to take a shower. Another tells you to nod, and yet another takes that as your cue to leave, but you don’t. You can’t.

It’s not until he returns that you can move at all, and you walk right through his longing gaze as you put your clothes on on autopilot.

You take out your phone as you walk down the stairs and dial the only number you can.

Yeobaseyo?

Yunho-yah…

A/N: i know i changed POV after the first paragraph. it was intentional. and i probably changed tenses somewhere, probably even multiple times. it's unedited.
A/N2: plus i'm reformatting some stuff because i got annoyed with myself. not sure if it'll stick


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January 19th, 2012


12:01 am - Smoke Part II
Title: Smoke
Length: One-shot (broken into two entries)
Warnings: obvious use of alcohol, inexplicit smut, some language


Smoke Part IICollapse )

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January 18th, 2012


07:53 pm - Suju Fic Challenge: Smoke
Title: Smoke
Status: Fic 25/100
Length: One-shot (broken into two entries)
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Can be read as Leeteuk/Anybody, written with Leeteuk/Shindong in mind
Rating: R
Genre: Angst
Warnings: obvious use of alcohol, inexplicit smut, some language
Summary: Youngwoon is gone and Jungsu is desperate to reach out to anybody
A/N: i really love this one for some reason. it's actually one of my favorites that i've written <3  it took me one day over a year to finally get it perfect, and for once i'm actually satisfied with the outcome :'] i'm not really sure why i did the dialog in italics, but it just felt right to do it that way.
My Challenge Archive


What? No, everything's fine. I'm just- I'm just being stupid. All of this is stupid. I'm fineCollapse )

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September 13th, 2011


01:39 pm - GUESS WHAT GUYS? :D
Title: Hello
Length: 12/?
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. please do not take anything you learn from this fic as absolute fact; i take a lot of artistic liberty, have a lot of inaccuracies, romanticize a mental illness, and play with the lines of consent and legality
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane


{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7} {Chapter 8} {Chapter 9} {Chapter 10a} {Chapter 10b} {Chapter 11}


“Completely lost control…”

“Should have seen it coming…”

“It all happened so fast…”

“Blood everywhere. Absolutely everywhere…”

“Worst thing that could happen…”

“He knew better…”

**~**~**~**~**~**

It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be to keep myself in check throughout the day. Sure, there were a few moments when I just wanted to strip Jaejoong down and take him on the spot, but every time I thought about it guilt from my night with Hyori would taint any desire I once had.

Jaejoong remained quiet throughout most of the morning, his kisses light and touches sparse… except for his right hand. It hardly broke contact with me for a second since he first woke up and grabbed onto my wrist, almost as if he needed to be grounded to me to keep me from flying away. Of course, the constant contact made working a little difficult at times, and I was forced to pry his desperate fingers off when the need for two free hands was too great. At those times his eyes would suddenly go wild, frantically darting around the room before settling in a remote corner and staring until my skin was touching his once again.

“What do you see Jaejoong?” I asked when my curiosity finally became too much to suppress. I resisted the urge to take the young boy’s hand again as it started to tremble and his eyes fixed on the same corner of the room they had twice before.

“He’s still here,” Jaejoong whispered, his voice shaking almost as badly as his hands. Sharp nails bit into his palms, and a wild desperation punctuated the raw fear in his eyes; my empty hand was no more than five inches away from him, yet for some reason he didn’t reach for it. My curiosity peaked when Jaejoong slowly straightened his fingers out toward me, only to recoil them as if he’d been shocked. His lips parted and trembled, but no words came out when he moved them- just silence as he let his mind run wild. Whatever this hallucination was, it was terrifying him beyond belief. 

As his condition is now, Jaejoong can’t deal with the vast amounts of anxiety his hallucination brings. Just the thought of it debilitates him (some days worse than others,) and getting past this fear could open up a whole new world for him- a world that I desperately want him to see. But he can’t do this on his own; he needs me. Jaejoong needs me.

I took a brief look around the room before my eyes settled back on Jaejoong’s rigid form, his hand still suspended in midair and lips still parted. “Where is he now Jaejoong?” I asked as I carefully put more distance between my hand and his body, watching as he began to shake harder.

His eyes practically screamed in horror at the waning proximity, but still he did nothing to change it. Even his voice was noticeably more unstable, his trembling lips forming whispers I could barely catch. “He’s still watching us,” Jaejoong breathed out. “He’s always been watching us. He won’t stop.”

My patient’s fixed gaze told me more than his words, but I interpreted his incoherency all the same. “It’s okay Jaejoong,” I assured, not yet taking his hand. “I’m right here; he can’t hurt you.”

“He’s waiting for you to leave again,” Jaejoong snapped. “He knows you’ll leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I sw-”

“You left me with him before!”

Jaejoong snapped his head around to face me, anger that I had never seen before pulsing in his dark eyes. I couldn’t imagine what he meant by it, but his entire body had gone deathly still, and for the first time, he stared directly into my eyes. His chest heaved with tight breaths, the warm air ghosting over my face and surrounding me with his presence.

“You left me with him,” he repeated darkly, but I ignored it.

“Jaejoong…” I whispered- my voice delicate, careful. “What does he look like?”

“Me.”

All this time…

My mouth opened, air rushing out of my lungs without words to accompany them as tension spilled into the tight space between us. His eyes held me in place, helpless to do anything but absorb the fierce anger in his usually delicate eyes.

My mind was in shambles, racing with possibilities and hopeless solutions. I couldn’t even begin to fathom what I was supposed to do next, but I didn’t have to- not yet.

Out of nowhere, the doorbell rang, startling us out of our haze and jerking us apart. All traces of hostility in Jaejoong’s face instantly vanished and his child-like fear returned, his wide eyes immediately looking away from his reflection. My throat had impossibly tightened, choking off my breath and leaving my brain to oxygen-deprived to think clearly. But the doorbell rang again, and I managed a soft whisper before going to the door. “I’ll be… right back, okay?” I said weakly as I rose to my feet and turned away.

“Promise?” he called after me.

“Yeah… I promise.”

I can’t really say that I expected Donghae to come by, but there he was, standing in my doorway with all his cheerful glory bright, shiny and on display while I was barely able to stay on my lead feet. I had no time to dwell on what had just happened because of his arrival, and in a way I was partially glad for the distraction.

I only managed to force out a smile when I opened the door before Donghae barreled ahead, speaking before I had much time to process who he was.

“Good morning Dr. Jung,” he greeted as he dipped into a bow and came back up with a grin. A small prescription bag dangled from his right hand, rattling slightly as he moved to hand it to me. “I noticed that this hadn’t been picked up for a while when I was making my deliveries and wasn’t really sure what you wanted me to do with it. I hope you don’t mind that I brought it here.”

The bag fell lightly into my outstretched hand (when had I done that?), and rattled softly as I stared at it. “Um. No. That’s… fine Donghae-shii,” I stuttered. “Uh, thank you?”

His smile stretched further at my thanks, but he didn’t move to leave like I expected. Instead, he leaned slightly to the side as if trying to look behind me. “Is everything alright Dr. Jung?” he asked.

Electricity skated across my skin, every nerve awakening with panic as a rock of guilt dropped into my stomach. It was enough for me to temporarily remember myself- remember the situation that Donghae couldn’t see. Without much extra thought, I brought the door closer to me and used my body to block his view of whatever he was trying to look for. If he found out Jaejoong was here… it would only lead to a whole new set of unwanted complications. “Yes,” I answered shortly as I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why?”

He glanced up at my sharp answer and his smile slipped away “What I mean is, are you feeling okay? It’s unlike you to miss a day,” he amended with wide, hurt eyes just as the insanity of it all struck me.

Air rushed out of my lungs as I closed my eyes and tried to get rational thoughts back in my head. “I’m fine Donghae,” I repeated softly. “I was just feeling a little sick this morning. Thank you for your concern.”

The young boy eyed me uncertainly for a few moments longer, lips pressed together and gaze searching before he bowed again- this time much more slowly and executed with an air of caution. “I hope you feel better then Dr. Jung. If there’s anything else you need, just let me know,” he offered. The boy tried for a smile, but the slight incline of his lips fell away quickly and lacked any of his normal sincerity. Mine was no better.

Even after Donghae had left and the door was shut, I couldn’t move beyond the doorframe. My face pressed against the chilled wooden barrier and my legs felt too weak to support me, even with the door’s help. What just… happened?

Donghae just dropped off medications: that was nothing out of the ordinary. But this suspicion… this anxiety… Where was it coming from all of a sudden?

Standing in the doorway did nothing to spark answers, but I knew I had to go back eventually- with answers or without them.

After five minutes and several deep breaths, I forced myself to return to Jaejoong as if nothing had happened at all. A fake smile graced my lips and the prescription Donghae had given me fell carelessly somewhere on the nightstand to be forgotten. Jaejoong looked up at my entrance with a blank face.

“I’m sorry about that Jaejoong-ah. It was just something from work and… um. Work related things,” I muttered, attempting to mask my incoherency by taking Jaejoong’s frozen hand.

I tried my best to push the strangeness to the back of my mind as I continued to speak with Jaejoong, and I (very, very gratefully) had him smiling at me again in less than half an hour- any and all abnormalities seemingly forgotten. I didn’t even think much of it myself until I began to write this entry, but I believe it was for the better; dwelling on it would have only served as a distraction to what I really wanted to accomplish that day. Besides, I can always document it and come back to it later when both of us are a little more prepared for it.

What I did get accomplished was quite a bit more beneficial to both of us: I spoke with him for hours, and slid in simple tests along the way- some he was aware of, some he was not. It was normal. Comfortable.

Jaejoong’s face twitched with confusion as I brought my laptop into the room and sat it in front of him, his earlier fear of losing contact with me apparently forgotten as my presence drifted away. “What’s this for?” he asked, barely sparing a glance at the device as it whirred to life.

“I just want to show you something,” I answered semi-truthfully. Silence fell over us aside from the soft clicking of keys and was only broken when the program I had in mind finished loading.

Four letters appeared on the screen, all the same size and font, but in no particular order. We started off simple; L, B, T, R.

Jaejoong stared at the letters with narrowed eyes for a moment and scrunched his nose in distaste when I asked him what they were, but he read them off with no problems. “Do I have to do this?” he asked after reading the letters to me. “Micky and Choikang said this is stupid.”

I forced a smile and brushed my fingers over the back of his hand. “Just hang in there, okay? This is really important.”

Skepticism played with Jaejoong’s features, but he returned his gaze to the computer just in time for it to flash white and show four new letters- these ones broken and disfigured. “Jaejoong-ah, can you remember what those first four letters were?” I asked, carefully watching his face and readying my pen to scribble down a check mark or an x.

As I expected, Jaejoong narrowed his eyes once again (this time most likely in concentration) and remained silent. I could practically see the severed wires firing off in Jaejoong’s head- all of them desperately trying to relay a message he’ll most likely never receive.

Resigning to this observation, Jaejoong hung his head in defeat. “I don’t remember,” he whispered, confirming that the blank flash has served its purpose. “I’m sorry…”

“That’s okay,” I soothed as I leaned in to press my lips against his temple and slashed an x in my notes. “Just try again with the next one.”

And so my little experiment went on; letters, distraction, new disfigured letters, failed answer, scribbled x, and Jaejoong’s reward for trying. I tried my best to keep from prolonging the torture while still making the test long enough to confirm that he wasn’t doing any better as it went on, but there was only so much I could save him from.

Visual backwards masking tests generally don’t take very long, but I had to repeat the test with a variety of different letter/number/pattern configurations to see if Jaejoong’s ability to remember the initial images improved with repetition, which (in this case) it did not. This kind of result is typical for schizophrenics like Jaejoong, and along with my other tests and previous observations, it fully supported my initial diagnoses. I drew this conclusion just in time too- the anxiety of being unable to correctly answer any of my questions was driving Jaejoong to his breaking point.

The heels of his hands were pressed hard against the sides of his head by the time I closed my laptop and leaned in to give him his final reward kiss. “It’s okay Jaejoong,” I muttered. “We don’t have to do any more today.”

My patient’s frail body leaned into my awaiting arms and his eyes screwed shut. “They hate this,” he said darkly. “They say I’m stupid. If I keep doing this, he’ll find out, and they don’t want you to know.”

Despite being utterly confused, I held Jaejoong’s body close to mine and let his lips brush against my neck as he spoke. “Know what?” I asked.

“About him. He doesn’t want you to know who he is.”

Back to this again.

Maybe I thought it would be better dealt with on another day, or maybe I just wanted to avoid the subject for as long as possible. Either way, I tried to shove the discussion back down as soon as it came up. “Don’t think about him right now Jae,” I whispered into his hair. “He can’t hurt you here; you said it yourself. I’ll protect you.”

My words couldn’t have been more sincere, and their intentions slowly penetrated Jaejoong’s fear and helped dissolve it away. He relaxed in my arms and ‘he’ wasn’t brought up again for the rest of the day.

It was nice being able to stay at home all day like that, especially since I got to spend it with Jaejoong. Even though a lot of his conversations with me strayed from coherency, I still feel like I got to know him more than I ever could have with just one hour a day.

Jaejoong… has a deep-rooted affection for me. I guess I’ve known that for a while now, but today it became glaringly obvious that I’m the sole focus of it.

“I don’t have any friends,” he told me. “Micky and Xiah are my friends sometimes, but Choikang wants to hit me all the time. No one else is nice to me.”

“What about U-know?”

“…He’s different.”

And I left it at that, too afraid to ask about myself. I already know that we’ve both gotten in too deep- maybe even past the point of no return- but hearing it said out loud would make it all too real, and for now, I’m not ready to handle that. I got a lot accomplished today; there’s no need to ruin that with something so irrelevant to his condition.

February 28, 2003
Entry Ninety-Five

Long nights are grueling. Especially long nights of thinking too hard about things you never should have gotten involved with in the first place. My mind is in shambles, and I can’t sleep.

I kept my word to Jaejoong about giving him rewards for cooperation, so I decided that for an entire day’s worth of cooperation, he deserved a pretty big reward. After a quick evaluation of my own self control (just in case he asked to sleep with me again tonight,) I took a hesitant step into the topic of him having a choice.

“I’m really glad that you went along with all of my evaluations today Jaejoong,” I said as he returned from the shower and curled up against my side. “You did really well.” He seemed to take no mind to my comment, just rested his still wet head against my shoulder and absently played with my fingers. “Don’t you think you deserve a reward for that?” I proded.

At first he didn’t respond. His fingers slipped between the spaces in mine and held our intwined hands up towards the light for better examination. Seemingly satisfied, he smiled and returned them to my lap. “Do I get to choose again?” he asked, to which I nodded and kissed his forehead.

“Anything you want.”

I should have known that saying such words was like signing a death warrant, but in my defense, I was expecting him to make a similar request to last night’s. Not this.

Before I really had any idea of what Jaejoong had in mind, he was already shifting to get out of my hold and toss a leg over my hips. Our hands stayed tightly laced together as he closed his eyes and pressed an opened-mouthed kiss to my lips, which I greedily returned. The warning signals weren’t quite registering even as he pressed his hips against mine and the movement was gradual, but unrelenting. We’d made out before. We’d done a bit of (mostly) shameless grinding and groping before. I honestly wasn’t expecting it to go much farther.

Call me an idiot, or blind, or stupid, or whatever, but I wasn’t at all expecting Jaejoong’s hand to slip into my pants and brush his cold fingers against my throbbing need. An instant shock of electricity exploded beneath my skin, making all of my senses go haywire and my brain stutter. Before I could properly react, his hand pressed against me again and my mind went blank.

Jaejoong,” I hissed.

He pressed his mouth to mine and bit down on my bottom lip, drawing a moan from deep within my throat and pushing my desire into overdrive. “Jaejoong… What are you… We don’t- God- we don’t have to… do this,” I choked out between kisses.

“This is what I want,” he breathed against my lips, ministrations not pausing for a second. “Micky said I wasn’t good enough, so I want to try again.”

I protested. “Micky’s wrong. You’re more than good enough,” I said as I half-heartedly tried to roll him off me.

But Jaejoong persisted. “I have to prove it,” he shot back. “I have to show him. He won’t listen.”

“You don’t have to prove anything.” The words came to me automatically, but even though my lips said no, my body was saying anything but: my hands were still threaded in his hair and desperately clinging to the fingers of his free hand, and my hips were still jerking up to meet his icy touch.

“I want to,” he whispered, voice low and full of forbidden longing. “You like it too, don’t you?”

God yes.

“N-no. We can’t. Not this. Jaejoong please.”

I wished more than anything that he could have look into my eyes then- that he could have seen the desperation pouring from them and trying in vain to drown my growing desire. It would have made things so much easier if he just understood why this was so wrong. It was different from kissing- different from cuddling with each other or flashing warm smiles while he lay in my arms. This was too much.

Despite my protests, Jaejoong’s hand kept moving. Up and down, stroking my skin until all I could do was cling to him and gasp for breath. My lips parted in a silent plea as my head fell back to scream it to the heavens, but the only thing that came out was a breathless moan. No matter what I did, the sounds just kept coming, one after another until they blended into a continuous string of incoherency that I was helpless to control.

His fingers never lost their chill even as they stroked me to the edge of completion. Just one more second of his touch and I would have lost it, but he pulled away before the first wave could hit. I could have screamed at the sudden loss of sensation, and I probably would have if I hadn’t seen the look on Jaejoong’s face when he sat back on his heels.

All emotion had completely vanished from his eyes, the dark orbs becoming nothing more than infinite voids of charcoal staring at my chest. Even his grip on my hand went slack, and my desire was quickly fading.

“This is not the same,” he whispered to no one.

“What’s not?” I responded. Although the clouds of lust in my mind were rapidly dissipating, I was still boarder-line incoherent and my voice still scratched at the back of my throat. I couldn’t make any sense of why Jaejoong had suddenly stopped or why he was staring or what he’d said, so I just watched and waited for an answer that would never come as I willed my body to get back under control.

For a moment, I thought I might actually get off the hook. Blood was quickly returning to the head on my shoulders and Jaejoong seemed to have lost interest in using his hands to drive me crazy, but the moment was short-lived. Just as suddenly as he’d stopped, Jaejoong jerked forward and crushed our lips back together in a bruising kiss, sighing against me as his hands returned to my skin.

Had he not caught me off guard, I wouldn’t have let it happen at all. So, with the little bit of sensibility I gained back during the brief pause, I made the decision to gently push Jaejoong away and still his eager hand. “Jaejoong… We have to stop now,” I breathed out, making sure that he couldn’t disobey me by lacing our fingers together.

He drew back slightly but made no other move to protest, both of his hands resting calmly in mine. “Why?” he whispered.

I pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead and let my lips linger. “Tell me why this isn’t the same…” I sighed.

“No. I can’t.” His body began to go rigid again, and I knew my window of opportunity to get an answer was quickly closing. I had to do something.

Against my normal better judgment, I breathed against Jaejoong’s pale skin, inhaling deeply and letting his scent linger in my senses before I signed for my certain death. “Tell me why… and I’ll let you finish.”

A/N: oh God. why did this take me so long? OTL

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